As many things in my experience the health issues I had to face in the past year served as an initiation into subtler levels of the mystery of embodied life. Which I, as usual, only can realize more fully now. Illness, especially one that is connected with a potential for death, has a way of triggering existential fears. Fears as old as our ancestral lineages, fears embedded in every...
I have been noticing lately several people pointing out that what they are currently looking for in relating is emotional safety. And it made me reflect on why that didn’t fully resonate with what I am experiencing and wanting to delve into more. Safety has for the longest time been on the forefront of my mind, though it referred to physical safety from potential harm through violence. But that...
Reconnecting with beloved connections, which had been absent for a while from my life, has a gentle healing effect on my relational system. As memories birth ever new feelings, thoughts, and sensations my present awareness observes it all, while engaging with the beloved friend. Observing the layering of memory born sensations, watching feelings and thoughts scoring initial moments of reconnection, like music enhances and colors a movie. First there...
Giving generously and freely, something that nourishes my being through full alignment with my soul’s nature and I love dearly, has often been turned into a pathway to harm in my experience. Years back, I have been guided to step away from generosity and taught to painstakingly observe, witness, and analyze the dynamics of giving and receiving in my relationships. Learning to differentiate between healthy flow of generosity and...
It took me 49 years to finally accept and make peace with the fact that many friendships, and almost all friendships with men, will leave parts of me deeply unmet and starved in regards to emotional connectivity and flow. This made itself repeatedly, painfully and non-negotiably clear on an emotional level of perception and knowing of my experience. I am fascinated how hard it is for the tender and...
I realize that many people do not get the full scope of the meaning the word healing holds for me and others who are on a similar life path or who engage in their and other people’s healing with discernment and awareness. For most people the word healing describes a goal-focused process akin to the healing of a cut in our skin: a localized process of hurt, inflammation, scabbing...
How do I explain to him that something about his physique triggered deep feelings of repulsion and disgust, which are owed to experiences with an abusive person from my childhood? How do I explain that my mind is reeling while trying to differentiate and keep apart timelines, feelings and persons? How do I own and express to him that I know it’s unfair that he is affected by my...
This year, in retrospect, was an intense course on 'Emotional Fulfillment' I seemed to finally have been ready for. There is a sense of "at last" and a deep exhalation within as the lesson's layers are sinking in....
This year has been about realizing and embracing uncomfortable truths, making hard decisions and holding myself accountable to a higher standard than before. It has been a year of illuminating and cleaning up what my ego successfully hid under carpets and in dark corners of my mind. A year of cutting out little and not so little ways my ego cuts corners with regards to my health and wellbeing...
I was raised in adverse circumstances that favored and rewarded strength and harshness and mercilessly exploited tenderness and sensitivity to torture and deride the little girl I once was. To survive I emulated these attitudes consciously and subconsciously in parts of my internal tribe. Inadvertently and sadly taking up the role of abuser towards myself and others in its wake. Rarely allowing myself to feel or own moments of...
