How do I explain to him that something about his physique triggered deep feelings of repulsion and disgust, which are owed to experiences with an abusive person from my childhood?
How do I explain that my mind is reeling while trying to differentiate and keep apart timelines, feelings and persons?
How do I own and express to him that I know it’s unfair that he is affected by my childhood trauma and that I choose to protect and love my inner child even if it means hurting his feelings in the process?
How do I hold space for his hurt without collapsing into abandoning myself while gently advocating for my wounded child?
How do I express my gratitude for our meeting because it revealed an unconscious effect of my past and helped me avoid hurting myself and others in this way again now that I gained an understanding of this trigger?
~ June 2016
