This year, in retrospect, was an intense course on ‘Emotional Fulfillment’ I seemed to finally have been ready for. There is a sense of “at last” and a deep exhalation within as the lesson’s layers are sinking in.
Spirit is raining down insights in waking and dreams on me like candy from a carnival procession. Insights which triggered all kinds of emotions, responses and reactivities thereby illuminating and revealing layers of conditioning whose time for release has come.
There are several facets to the nature of emotional fulfillment that are being revealed not merely to my mental perception but a whole being knowing, a process of becoming one-with, or said differently: integration of emotional fulfillment with emotional lack.
The first piece I received was that emotional fulfillment on the human or whole being dimension doesn’t necessitate a romantic relationship or a specific other. For my human it suffices to have an open-hearted and loving connection with nature in her various manifestation, regardless if its plant, animal, human, elemental or energetic kin. I lived for decades under the codependently colored misperception that I NEEDED enmeshed human relationships to be well and emotionally fulfilled.
My spiritual path has led me to deepen and strengthen my connection with Source and Self which created a new embodied reality for me. The unhealthy fear-driven fixation on human relationships, romantic and otherwise, has been fading away with the degree of inner integration and growing sense of wholeness. Now I welcome connections and relationships but no longer feel compelled to overlook or sacrifice my needs for them, nor center them unduly in my everyday life.
A new voice is ringing in my inner tribe which has called the codependent and romantic conditioned aspects out and illumined more blind spots in my relational system. She ruthlessly laid bare the aspects of relating I used to hide from my awareness. Making me face how costly romantic partnerships truly had been to my wellbeing, energy levels, and how little they gave for what they costed. Don’t get me wrong, they all had their meaning, function and treasures but of that I have been aware of all along what I avoided facing were their shadow aspects and that is why that was highlighted to me.
And with that reviewing and highlighting another layer of the romantic dream and conditioning died away.
I find myself in a new self perception which dissolves all previous ideas of needing a (or several) intimate partnerships at the center of my life. I no longer seek or subtly long to establish them as the foundation of my life vision. My focus has shifted to envisioning my being as the sole foundation of my life and to keep cultivating, nurturing, and weaving a network of loving, caring and deeply spiritual connections and relationships around me (community).
I cannot stress enough what a huge shift this is to my system and perception of life and vision for my future.
Another guidance received was the need to integrate those parts of me who long for scripted external relationships to be the source of my emotional fulfillment. Understanding their plights and needs and integrating them into my inner tribe in a loving way to help them release these conditioned dreams and attachments in their own time. Showing and teaching them the difference in embodied and felt sense of fulfillment between the relationships they attracted and the quality of relationships which are present, free, precious, blissful, growth-inducing, and available without their overlay of conditions.
I am learning to release the sticky hands of codependent parts from my life and relating, and in equal measures to set boundaries to the sticky hands of other’s codependent aspects when they grab at me or my energy in unhealthy and unwelcome ways. The second part being the more challenging at times.
My higher Self called me to retreat into internal oneness to rebalance and recalibrate more of my being to this new sense of self and to engage from it with my network of beloveds for attunement, shared joy, and to experience what this new state co-creates with them and life in general.