Much of what has been written on middle age and becoming a crone only partially resonates with me, if it does at all. I feel the relative truth of what I hear and read, my truth though related is different. From my vantage point my experience and truth feels more expansive, as it does not limit me to a form, gender narratives, nor ancestral myths.
The states I am being initiated into are not as earthbound, or linked to ancestral traditions still known to us. They are ancient in that they have been present on this planet in times before – before the forgetting and atrocities of separation consciousness. The states I am being led to carry in them the frequencies of earth, our galactic origins, as well as the dark formless that preceded all form.
The much glorified and centered rewilding has been a part of my journey, a part that was given to my thirties and which played a part in my liberation. Looking from where I am now it becomes obvious that it was but a preparatory stage, not an end or climax of this path. My Soul calling me to walk further, to remember ancient knowing of *all* my lineages planetary, non-planetary, and all the way back to the source of all form – the numinosity of the void.
One piece of this becoming is the lesson of stripping off all human identities, identifications with personality, body, and mind, to immerse into and know the formless essence of being. In stripping off the aforementioned I find myself no longer beholden to them, seeing them as mere constructs, artificial to the boundless nature of being. Realizing how being human has been limited to repeating patterns and limited possibilities of expressing and being due to the great forgetting and the rule of stark unconsciousness. Our being knows that there is another way of being human and exploring this dimension, and this knowing is calling ever so loudly for embodiment. To do so we have to take off the heaviness of unconscious patterning, and distorted perceptions, only then will we be truly receptive to and have enough spaciousness to call in expanded possibilities to flow through our being and rework our collective field.
Another aspect of this becoming is to wholly embrace oneness. It sounds simple but experience shows how much our mind body system resists it. It will accept it here and there but in the next moment it will hold on to separation consciousness in order to differentiate itself from ‘others’, which it holds in some form of judgement or dislike. So deeply ingrained are these conditioned distortions that we find ourselves once again split within, some part vibrating with the frequency of oneness and others clinging to separation consciousness.
And I am learning that a nervous system which has been dysregulated by complex trauma is slow in releasing the fears and automated responses it has created for survival and open to the deeper meanings and ramifications of oneness. This is where deep compassion and skillfulness are needed to help integrate and heal with the guidance and grace of Self energy. It is a very slow process and yet it is a crucial part of this journey, it is the most important key to unlocking our full potential, expanded knowing, and full alignment with consciousness/life.
While working on the previous a third aspect is being learned and gently entrained in our body: To drink of the poison cup without sickening or dying.
What I mean by it is the capacity to be present with the most harrowing aspects of human doing, with the oppressions, injustices, and violence our plant, animal, and human kin are suffering without resorting to denial, repression, numbing, or acting out. To be a vessel large enough to feel and hold it with compassion and perceive with eyes of consciousness, witnessing it fully and honoring the experiences observed, and act where it is in our power with love and care to alleviate and balance what we can. To feel and know the suffering of all – victim, perpetrator, bystanders, and saviors alike – knowing the underlying distortions and conditioning that keep recreating these experiences across millennia.
Being, seeing, feeling, reflecting at the same time, side-stepping explanations and resolutions of the conditioned mind, and opening to the mystery while leaning into not-knowing with trust. Letting the love at the core of our being call to the mystery to reveal knowing, a path to change or healing, and support us in holding it in a way that doesn’t poison us to be a(n unwitting) part of it.
This is what embodying a different frequency and holding it in a dissonant field is to me.
Being a change agent on this dimension of being is not about external activism but about internal depth work. The kind that stays invisible to most eyes, the one you cannot carry like a banner for the ego to feel good about itself or get acknowledgement for, not the kind where it suffices to do some mental work and change some of your behavior, nor the kind that wants to change the other. This activism has no external opponent that needs to be fought or won over, it is all about changing the parts in us that are unconsciously aligned with the narratives, roles, and patterns of the past, to awaken and integrate all parts in us to firmly anchor in the present and in the timeless wisdom of consciousness. It is from this inner work and its fruits that our actions in the external are being born, showing up in ways that express and manifest oneness, love, compassion, and wisdom beyond current human knowledge.
It takes a great deal of consciousness and alertness to walk such a path with integrity, without allowing the powers of conditioning and trauma to reassert themselves in subtle or egregious ways. It takes a great tenderness and self love to forgive ourselves our many shortcomings, and failures along the way while gently striving to do better. And it takes a persistence and discipline to keep at the inner work and not let ourselves be distracted by things that call from the inanity of media. There has to be a consistency to our intentionality, a depth of commitment that will not flinch at obstacles and pain along the way but keep gently returning to the work. And it takes trust. A trust that has to be reclaimed from the murkiness of pain, trauma, and false beliefs. Trust that has to be chosen and then slowly rebuilt and reaffirmed with every experience until it becomes a default way of engaging with life/consciousness.
To the eyes of unconsciousness we will look passive, selfish, or any other manifestation of a lack of care. Which is understandable as they cannot see how their conditioning and trauma is pushing them to play the savior role in the narrative. Blinding them to the fact that it too is part of the dysfunction and distortion we all feel and know deep inside in engaging with this infinitely rebirthing suffering.
Equally to other unconscious minds this may serve as an excuse to keep themselves disconnect, numbed, apart from the suffering in the world. Their mind remaining unconscious of how their mind is still playing out their trauma and keeping them from being present in their wholeness, regardless of how spiritual or conscious they pretend to be.
And yet regardless to how it may be judged or perceived this is a path that will not be denied, a call of the Soul that cannot be side-stepped without causing tremendous harm to self and possibly others. There is a sense deep in my being that we have to hold these frequencies and dimensions of consciousness as a way of opening the gateway and preparing the field for the ones who are to follow and initiate the next wave of consciousness evolution on this planet. Just like our illumined predecessors prepared the field to create the space that allowed us the level of remembrance and evolution we are blessed to experience and bring to the collective.
This is what I experience on my path, in becoming a crone, an elder, a wise woman.
In gratitude and honoring of ancestral wise women who walked before me, the ones I am privileged to have by my side, and the ones that shall follow us in ever new paradigms of life unfolding in the loving embrace of this beautiful mother planet.
Maybe this speaks to your experience or maybe you feel some resonance but also a difference that allows you to know your path more clearly in its uniqueness?
Whatever it maybe, I hope it serves your soul path and becoming.