Forgiveness and Relating

“Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.”                           ~ William P. Young

I am grateful for stumbling on the above quote because it opened the floodgates of what has been wordlessly percolating within me for weeks and finally allowed me to form words where there were mainly sensations and feelings.

Someone I loved fell short of love and acted in way that was hurtful and unacceptable to my being. Though I forgave them I chose to distance myself and later to embrace their choice of a cessation of our contact. 

Knowing that emotionally triggering situations can cloud my discernment as the ego is quite versed in using all sorts of wiles to make its unloving nonsense appear like a loving choice… I wondered if I had truly forgiven them or was unconsciously acting from old woundings.

On deeper inquiry I felt that I wasn’t acting from feeling hurt or ego but couldn’t make sense of the seemingly abrupt decision to end the connection with such finality.

Reading the words “When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established” ripped the veils of confusion: I had forgiven them yet I knew there was no true change and no hope of such change in a near future.

When another neither feels, senses, knows or is capable of reflecting what their wrongdoing was there is no realistic hope for change. And the last incident was merely the last straw that broke the camels back, I had experienced several confusing expressions of their limitations… the moment they made their issues not only into a passive aggressive jibe on social media but an elaborated exhibition of lachrymosity across several public posts I was thoroughly disabused of my predominantly positive perceptions of them.

There was no relationship of trust left. 

I do not choose to trust people who assign responsibility for their own feelings to others, I do not choose to  trust people who disrespect the privacy of our relating by posting about it publicly. 

Attempting to shame me by tagging me on said posts isn’t loving in my book either. That kind of emotional blackmail hasn’t worked on me for the past two decades. More malicious and expert players at this game have taught me too early and well to make me fall for this trap any longer.

“Forgiving you is my gift to you.                                                                    Moving on is my gift to myself.”                                                                    ~ Unknown

I harbor no resentment towards them, there is compassion and understanding in my heart for them as well as a crystal clear knowing they are not my kind of person after all. Which was disappointing and disillusioning but also insightful and eventually freeing. 

There are things I would do differently now thanks to the experiences I had. This shall inform future connections and other relationships and further gentle my responses with compassion even when they trigger core wounds.

I am grateful for the experiences I shared with them, the magic and beauty of connection, the catalytic effects I had on them and the lessons they taught me. In my mind our karmic contract has been fulfilled and paid in full. I wish them well wherever their path leads them. And I hope we are granted the grace of not crossing paths anymore unless our vibrations are truly aligned.

Integrity is one of my core values, therefore I am glad that I have been gentle and loving with myself while also vigilant that I do not entrap myself in darkness. 

As in all of life’s twists and turns, I remain a grateful, messy, learning, loving and playful work in progress.

Photography: Unknown
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