In Alchemical Process

My current experience is allowing me to realize and release misperceptions about my being. For as long as I live I had a knowing that I can ‘read’ other people’s emotions and conceptual/cosmological backgrounds. And the unspoken assumption was that I picked it all up energetically and through empathetic knowing of the frequencies offered. 

Novel Observations and Insights

What I am now learning is that I read said energy primarily off their words and tone of VOICE and only at a small percentage from their energy and body language. In the absence of spoken conversations the ‘data’ I perceive and read feels vague and inconclusive to me as it lacks the clarity and brilliance of what my ‘other sensory channel’ conveys to me. Of course the differentiation is quite subjective and owed to habituation and the nature of past experiences.

I am observing my dislike for not-knowing and feeling blindsided in these encounters, it throws me off my flow. A humbling of my ego is occurring here, as I experience myself in a powerless position and need to meet to the unfolding without a sense of precognition and knowing. Trust and surrender are what are asked for as I am invited to grow past this contraction. Trust primarily in Life and Self, not necessarily the other.

In deeper inquiry I have realized how much of my love languages are fed through this channel of feeling-knowing of the other. It is only in the markedly lessoning or absence of this flow I am now able to make this discovery, as it was hidden in plain sight before. Experiencing a limitation of the flow of energy through this channel and less self-initiated verbal expressions of care and love (not cued by mine) I find parts of myself reeling with insecurity. Struggling to feel or hold on to a feeling of being loved and cared for they are in greater need for love and care from other parts of me. Again asking for more trust and a lot of self love and holding of younger and wounded aspects as they shake and shiver through this experience.

My preferred approach to meeting new insights and challenges is to go within to explore and get to know them and their effects, then to decide how to manage my selves and meet the situation as I keep these tender processes protected from the energy and sights of others. Walking a path of healing and integration in the absence of a partner has ingrained a reflexive retreat into self and default to self reliance. No one to share the process with or consult, apart from sharing of experiences and tools with friends and fellow journeyers.

The Urge to Share

I do not know how to share this process with another. Especially if they do not walk a similar path and know from embodied experience what I am doing or on which premises and cosmological perception these intuitive actions are based. 

I find myself speechless and struggling for words that will translate into their reality and be understood as I mean them. It makes me feel vulnerable, raw, isolated, and in mute sadness as the gap between consciousnesses reveals itself. Nowhere is distance more painful and disheartening to my selves than in the inner workings and pathways of spiritual self work. 

Which of course only points to an attachment and fragility to be observed and transmuted in divine time. First, though, I shall sit with my sadness and disappointment at not being able to share this in a meaningful, fulfilling, or expansive way with a beloved.

I am aware that the hope or wish to be able to share all with the one my heart chooses is an amalgamate of the Soul’s longing for union with the One and romantic narratives of patriarchy. And I know from experience that when I enter the core of my being all separation and otherness falls away as delicious all-encompassing oneness is the absolute reality.

The Wise One Speaks

A wise inner voice reminds me of the insight gained years ago that the innermost sacred hall of my inner temple is only to be entered alone. And only in entering their innermost sacred hall can beloveds ‘meet’ me there. They either find their way or they don’t -this is not a domain of human willfulness, it is in the realm of Spirit and Consciousness.

Surrender little girl, yield to the wisdom expressing in your experience and trust the magnetism of Love. What you seek, seeks you. Breathe. Trust. Practice. Be. Show up best you can. Tinker. Laugh at and learn from your failures, get up and try it again, and again. Until you get to the gift hidden in this challenge.

Remember, little one, life is to be experienced, not mastered and understood (right away). 

Mastery lies in allowing the Self to lead you on the path of your Soul in the knowing of its eternal and boundless love and care for you.

Whereto Now

My intuitive guidance is to start a new sadhana (ritualized practice) to expand the flow of Self/Source energy in support of these processes of recalibration and meet these new experiences on a higher vibrational ground. A sadhana to help my body rebalance the health issues that have shown up in the past months, address blockages to chi and keep it moving better through my beloved body, and thereby give consciousness a better home to fill. A sadhana to invite higher consciousness into my being to remake what needs remaking and build what is needed for what wants to be expressed and experienced through me. A sadhana to invite, make room for quality time, communion with the great Beloved, and to soothe my heart’s longing for union.

And though it might seem to some like it is a flight or bypass, to me this inner retreat is very intentional and meant to address the obstacles to experiencing and engaging with reality in less obstructed and distorted ways. It is fueled by love for my beloved and self, as well as my wish to find a better way of meeting him and myself best I can. To burn away the hold of conditioned narratives in the fire of Spirit, to wash away the hold of memories (mine and ancestral) that stand in the way of being present as an undefended and fully connected being, to fill my own cup and keep it refilled as I pour it out in greater quantities than before. Intending to open the inner channels of love to flow unhindered and with conscious aliveness to feed my selves to their contentment and joy, as well as the selves of others I encounter and relate with.

I welcome the process of birthing of a new version of my being who is more integrated, less contracted and beholden to the lies, misperceptions, and distortions of the past. Grateful for the strengths and resilience acquired along my path and experiences, which allow me to step into this new cycle of learning with courage, confidence, and trust. And welcoming all cooperative, supportive, and co-creative energies which want to be part of this experience and process of unbecoming and becoming.

It is a blessing to be alive and experiencing the play of consciousness in the nourishing and inspiring web of love, of soul kin, physical and non-physical.


Art: ‘Entwive Yavanna’ by izuniaaafoto
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