In my early teens I read this sentence “Be like an Empress in love” which resonates to this day with me. Its meaning has deepened and expanded into different dimensions over time. From where I am today it stands for loving from a knowing of my own abundance, wholeness and sovereignty, and it speaks to loving, caring, nurturing and giving generously from a discerning and conscious heart. Loving like an empress means bringing much to the table and asking another to meet you on an equal level of investment, capacity, knowing and vision.
This definition of what constitutes a dealbreaker, red, orange, or green flag is part of how I discern who cannot meet me as an equal and who can do so effortlessly. It serves as a touchstone I can come back to whenever relating gets messy and I need to analyze a relationship, its quality, and value.
This is a very personal list and can by no means be generalized to all because it arose from lessons learned through my karmic patterns, early woundings and other conditioning. Therefore it might contain things that are of no relevance to others or lack aspects that are key to their joy and fulfillment in relationships. Yet it may serve as an inspiration for contemplation and maybe even writing of your own list.
Getting clear on our boundaries, needs, wants, desires and what we no longer are willing to tolerate before engaging with a potential partner, friend, family member, or colleague makes a huge difference in my experience.
Regularly checking in with myself and updating my Relationship Q&A’s and this list is immensely insightful, as it tracks how my boundaries move and settle in new places. And it helps me know my current self and new experiences that are opening up in relating as old ones are released. Being clear and committing myself to being true to Self helps me make wiser choices in service of my wellbeing and that of others.
I define the 4 categories below as follows:
Absolute Dealbreakers are (consistent) negative behaviors or traits which immediately and non-negotiably disqualify someone from any kind of relationship with me.
Red Flags are troubling behaviors or traits that show up occasionally yet are alarming and unwelcome in my friendship circles and all the more so in close relationships or intimate partnerships. The more red flags I encounter the more I will be motivated to distance myself or disengage totally.
Orange Flags are behaviors and traits that point to underlying red flags or dealbreakers which need observation to discern if they are a sign of someone releasing negative traits or of their attempts at presenting themselves more favorably.
Green Flags are welcome and desirable behaviors or traits which open doors to trust and closer relating.
Absolute Dealbreakers:
Lack of self love
Lack of integrity
Lack of intimacy
Lack of intelligence
Lack of communication skills
Lack of self work
Lack of accountability
Lack of self reflection
Lack of emotional availability
Imbalance of giving & receiving
I feel a lack of trust or respect for them
I feel a lack of alignment or meeting on the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual dimension
I feel unsafe, unseen, unheard, limited and unbalanced in their presence
Red Flags:
Lack of self love
Lack of sovereignty
Lack of full responsibility for self
Lack of self reflection
Lack of self work
Lack of shadow work
Lack of emotional intelligence
Lack of emotional availability
Lack of vulnerability
Lack of depth
Lack of kindness
Lack of compassion
Lack of consideration
Lack of curiosity
Lack of playfulness
Lack of creativity
Lack of passion
Lack of hygiene
Lack of intrinsic motivation
Lack of awe for existence
Ego-centricity
Superficiality
Neediness
Messiness
Stuck in analysis-paralysis
Stuck in self-sabotage or self-destruction
Stuck in outsourcing emotional labor
Stuck in low self-esteem/grandiosity
Lack of openness to change of behavior, thinking or patterns
Lack of capacity to create change
Lack of honor for other’s perspectives, needs and sovereignty
Inability to express love freely and with generosity
Inability to express their appreciation for me
Inability to see, hear and value me adequately
Inability to see and acknowledge their ego’s cruelties
Orange flags:
Evasiveness
Extreme need for privacy
Secrets
Selfishness
Stinginess
Wastefulness
Tone deafness
Phlegmatism
Lack of sensitivity
Lack of dignity (self respect)
Lack of boundaries
Lack of self care
Lack of openness about themselves
Lack of expressions of appreciation or gratitude
Lack of consideration for nature ( incl. others, animals, planet)
Green flags:
Depth
Presence
Mindful
Integrity
Intelligence
Accountability
Reliability and trustworthiness
Self work has become almost second nature
Knows own shadow and ego, has an effective shadow work practice
Ease and quality of self reflection proving a longstanding practice
Taking responsibility for his life, experience, actions, words and energy
Good self care (mental, emotional, spiritual & physical)
Good balance in giving and receiving
Good communication skills
Good emotional literacy, availability and intelligence
Good levels of self love apparent in choices, actions & thinking
Beautiful inside and out
Caring and compassionate
Cherishes and prioritizes relationships
Respectful of boundaries and need for consent
Quick to repair damage or misunderstandings
I feel an effortless and easeful connection with them on all dimensions
I feel a deeper sense of respect and admiration for them
I feel appreciated, cherished, respected and valued by them
I feel open, safe, seen, heard, free, playful and balanced in their presence
