To many the idea of a relationship questionnaire might seem highly unromantic and a buzz kill as it counters the mainstream gender and relationship narratives of it all having to happen without much talking. My polyamorous as well as monogamous relationship experiences have proven such tools to be more than helpful in sussing out where we might not be on the same page with a potential partner. Things which usually take months and years to show themselves and create pesky and unhealthy dynamics in our relating are realized early on and managed without having to go through the throes of the disruptions they might have caused otherwise.
I prefer to get as much of these out of the way before deciding to explore the possibilities of deeper connection with someone than to deal with the drama of fallouts and annoyances further down the road. Every time I have not used these tools I have come to regret it later on.
So here is a list of questions I compiled for my new relationship questionnaire today. My personal list is longer than this as there are individual questions relating to my preferences which I am not sharing here but this is an overview to give you an idea of it.
If you can approach creating and sharing your relationship questionnaire with a playful and honest spirit it can make not only for great conversations and insights into each others perceptions and inner worlds but also be very enriching. And if done well this will be an important part of building a solid foundation of honesty, transparency, intimacy, trust and love for your relationship.
The process of composing your questions and answers to them allows you to see your needs, wants and wishes black on white and gives you a deeper sense of clarity. It helps to go back to it whenever you experience or remember situations from past relationships that have been wonderful or challenging to keep expanding it. Once you have been at it for a couple of years and have grown and changed in the meantime, you will see where your needs and boundaries have shifted and what has gained in weight as other things have lost their meaning. Giving you a more tangible way of knowing your fluidity and growth.
These questionnaires are a pleasurable way I track my changes and shifts and a fun way of inviting others to meet on deeper levels of self reflection and co-creation. I hope this inspires you to venture into reflecting and maybe doing something like this for your benefit and other’s as well. It can be a great way of sparking reflections on the current state of your relationship with your partner and get you to playfully envision how you can grow and expand within the container of your relationship.
Whatever you choose to do with this, I wish you blessed and blissful relationships with self and others!
- What is your idea/vision/definition of a great relationship?
- How does a great relationship make you feel?
- What helps you to feel loved, appreciated, validated, respected, safe, free and any of the feelings you answered the previous question with?
- Are you willing to work on relationship issues with the help of others (coach, therapist, healer)?
- What is your vision for your life?
- What is your soul’s purpose in this incarnation?
- Do you practice any form of self work and if so how?
- How do you work with ego, shadow and darkness?
- What practices do you have to nourish your soul, heart, body and mind?
- How often do you practice these?
- What are your faults and woundings that have shown up in your relationships?
- What helps you find back to balance or equanimity in those moments?
- What do you want a partner to bring to the table?
- Which unmet needs would constitute a dealbreaker and reason to end a relationship?
- What are your non-negotiables about your life and where are you open to changes?
- Are there “best practices” or rituals you would like to bring to a new relationship?
- How enmeshed or independent do you want your relationships to be?
- How do you envision a shared life?
- How much alone time do you need?
- What are your primary love languages?
- What is your erotic blueprint?
- How do you feel about public displays of affection?
- What are your erotic and sexual preferences?
- Which functionalities does sex have for you?
- What turns you on and what turns you off?
- What do you want a partner to bring to your shared sex life?
- How open are you to experimenting and expanding your sexuality?