The past has gifted me the realization of how fundamental acceptance is to my inner peace. And has cultivated an appreciation for how it calms my being and gives me more resources to meet life in a more lighthearted, creative and playful way.

Another aspect for me is that when I cannot accept circumstances or reality as they are I cannot truly change them. Which is why I choose to observe and analyze a situation as multidimensionally as possible, even if I tend to label or communicate it in a short-hand form.

I understand that someone, who is beholden to unconscious or subtle fights with reality, self and conditional about acceptance has a hard time perceiving my way of engaging with life and mistakes outer appearances as being akin to lack of acceptance.

And though I accept it as one of the many sad realities of engaging with others my choice, more often than not, will be to minimize or step away from engaging with such a person. Stepping away is owed to acceptance of my body’s limitations in weathering projections, distorted energy and attacks arising from another’s inner war. 

Acceptance is peace.  And sometimes sustaining peace necessitates an end to the tolerance of proximity to the accepted, out of self love.

The post Acceptance appeared first on Venuskind.

I am becoming gratefully aware how blessed I have been in my life to have preserved and protected the fertility of my inner landscapes and to be surrounded with glorious gardeners of their inner scapes. Not only glorious in their landscaping but also as knowledgable guides and co-adventurers in exploring their and my inner world. 

Thankful for friends, soul kin, and select family members, who generously shared of themselves and their rich inner lives and magical lands. For loving beings generous in their heart’s flow of emotional and affective energy, who express words of affirmation and appreciation with ease and grace.

Living in this abundance and free-flow blinded me to the degree of importance and value which words of affirmation and an unencumbered flow of emotional energy, self revelations, and sharing hold for my wellbeing. And it is in their absence or stark limitation that I realized more about my state and deeper needs for emotional fulfillment and wellbeing.

Holding space for an ever expanding silence in relating, for cumulating reductions or cessation of emotional flow, I experimented with my nervous system and its ability to adapt to a state that was akin to what wounded the child I once was. And to my delight I realized that I can handle this silence, which once would have triggered abject existential fears of abandonment, and be with myself with love and nurturance. An unexpectedly great opportunity to teach my inner child that I am stronger and more capable today and no longer need to fear these experiences.

Once these lessons were learned and the child adapted to this new self state my thoughts turned to the question if I am willing to be in relationships with a minimal and controlled flow of emotional and verbal connection.

I could balance the lack by anchoring deeper into inner abundant flows and by releasing the wish for another to share the opulence and abundance I have cultivated and am habituated to share. It could be an interesting way of relating that may show me colors and textures never gleaned before, which would be a lovely gift.

Inquiring into my heart I felt a deep sadness and feeling of lack which drained it from being the vibrant and joyful portal it usually is. Making it clear that my heart NEEDS to be in a free flow of emotional, spiritual , physical and mental energy to feel balanced and thrive. It has lived through so much neglect and scarcity in the first half of my life that it doesn’t deserve to enter that field of suffering again. My heart deserves to thrive in the love and flow we have created within and cultivated with other aligned souls.

I am very protective of the wounded aspects in me after having unconsciously abandoned them for way too long. I promised myself to be a loving mother, father, protector and guide to all of myself, no matter how hard it may be or how others might feel about it. I will no longer abandon or neglect myself for another’s comfort or wellbeing.

Sadly there are barren landscapes in others, forbidding and reduced to stark rock and ice formations, which induce in me a deep sadness at the intensity of isolation and painful feelings of coldness. They may be not of their (conscious) making yet these can be weaponized and deployed against others who ‘dare’ to seek connection, intimacy or closeness. And regardless if these patterns play out consciously or unconscious they rarely miss their mark and hurt an open heart, especially one that has been traumatized with the same tools of unlove in its early years.

No matter how much I love you I will not allow my heart to be cut by your unconscious icy landscapes, which is why I will boundary up and step away from engaging. 

Like our wise green blooded kin, I shall turn towards sunshine, towards warmth and everything life-affirming. I will joyfully thank you for redirecting me and turn my awareness and energy towards connections rich and juicy with aliveness, flow, affection, transparency, and consciousness. There is no need to dabble in scarcity or impoverished life-averse spaces when lushness and abundance are what I bring to the table and  what my heart desires.

I bow in gratitude to life, the great guru, for illuminating another subtle dark layer in the subconscious and for gifting me corrective experiences to cultivate embodied knowing.

Art: ‘Let’s Dance With The Dark’ by kelogsloops

The post Choosing Flow appeared first on Venuskind.

Accountability

The aspects I want to share pertains to how I currently respond to the needs or neediness of another.

Still not fully comfortable with neediness, which expresses through a victim narrative or whiny tonality, I find myself struggling to calm myself and dig deeper for compassion, as I am triggered to reject and and turn away from the experience. Realizing that the desire to distance myself from the emotions and expressions of the other is no longer solely rooted in conditioning but also in service of a primal knowing. A knowing that engaging with and entertaining such energies feeds the victim/whiny aspects in me, which I no longer wish to feed or strengthen, to the contrary.

And as I take full accountability of reacting in a poorer way than I would like, I am acknowledging the need to use better tools and practice being with energies I am integrating without a feeling of or being ‘tainted’ ,aka ‘contaminated,’ by them. In reflecting deeper on that, I became aware that I already can do so in connections that have a certain emotional depth and fluidity. Pointing towards the relationship of feeling emotionally disconnect, resulting protectivity, and the fragility to such energies. An obvious relationship, but as so often, not something I was conscious of in the moment. This needs some repetition and deepening of knowing to ensure access to it when I feel insecure or triggered.

Choice

A more novel aspect to that is the spaciousness I have gained in how I want to respond to another’s need in the moment.

Until now my nature and conditioning didn’t even allow for a pause and reflection if I want to show up in the way the other needs or asks me whenever I saw or sensed they were in pain. It was as if pain disabled any thought of myself and put me into a self-sacrificing autopilot or trance state of giving my all. Now I am allowing self love to enter and transform this hereto unconscious layer of relating in me.
This trauma reflex is also why I had such a hard time understanding, and respecting, people who could turn a cold shoulder in the face of another’s moment of need or pain. I still see that as an unpalatable thing but the emotional charge has lessened dramatically thanks to this insight and spaciousness entering this contracted aspect of self.

Discernment

Faced with someone whose idea of support consisted of making myself into a receptacle (or ‘dumping ground’ as my protectors would call it) for their narratives and emotions without asking question for clarity nor commenting in any other way, allowed for another insight.

Something in me balked at their expectation, mind you this was not a request to me but an expectations dripping with judgement. Which is why I celebrate my resistance as an expression of progress in setting self loving boundaries.

Their expectation was reminiscent of something I observed and verbalized in my mid twenties about the dynamics of relating with men. I felt they used me as ’emotional landfill’ as they would come to me and dump their unresolved shit to then saunter off and enjoy their new-found lightness in pretty much total disregard of me. A lightness bought at the cost of my emotional balance and energy. Infuriatingly they remained ignorant of the fact that they have dumped their emotional shit on me, necessitating me to carry the weight of it as enabler of their avoidance. Yuck! Thankfully another murky pattern I have patiently worked my way out of. Which is why I did not show up in the way they wanted but in a way that was aligned with what I know to be healthy for me and caring for another.

I am expressing ever more clearly a resounding NO to subtle ways others (un)consciously try to avoid doing their work, non-consensually dumping their load, and abusing my willingness to support another. Even if someone is in pain, or pulls on my heart-strings I am no longer blind to the pattern of turning me into a complicit in their self-disempowerment and avoidance of taking full responsibility for themselves and their experience of life. I am putting an end to my part in this dysfunctional dynamic pattern. And I cannot express how happy it makes me to see the expansion of this transformative process.

It makes it worth having had the low vibe experience that allowed for these insights and reflections.

Sovereignty

If it really needs mentioning:
The final say on if and how I support someone lies with me. Even though I am inviting you to share your requests, and open to negotiating with you what and how I can offer – No one gets to decide how and where my energy is invested apart from Self, Spirit and myself.

Trying to manipulate your way to controlling my behavior and self expression will get you one thing only: The end of relating as I walk away.

I remain fully available to growth-oriented relating based on sovereignty, freedom, humor, playfulness, self knowledge, compassion, and love/consciousness. And when I speak of growth, I am using the term in a deeply spiritual definition of the willingness and capacity to face, acknowledge, love, and integrate one’s shadow and learn to do the same with the shadow of the other. I am fully aware that this is calling for the master class of relating, it takes a ton of courage, resilience, responsibility for self, self knowledge, and willingness to vulnerably and openly share your internal world to allow another know and feel you in your light and shadow. And I am fully willing to learn to fail better in this way of relating and learning with another, to deepen in awareness and discernment, to become better at repair and gentleness with self and other… to go through all highs and lows of this path as long as we meet on this ground.

This is my baseline for relating.

Meet me there or watch me move on to better aligned experiences and beings.

Photoart by Zac Cannon

The post Relational Insights appeared first on Venuskind.

How do I explain that my mind is reeling while trying to differentiate and keep apart timelines, feelings and persons?

How do I own and express to him that I know it’s unfair that he is affected by my childhood trauma and that I choose to protect and love my inner child even if it means hurting his feelings in the process?

How do I hold space for his hurt without collapsing into abandoning myself  while gently advocating for my wounded child?

How do I express my gratitude for our meeting because it revealed an unconscious effect of my past and helped me avoid hurting myself and others in this way again now that I gained an understanding of this trigger?

~ June 2016

Art by Unknown

The post Questions from the Void of a Flashback appeared first on Venuskind.

This definition of what constitutes a dealbreaker, red, orange, or green flag is part of how I discern who cannot meet me as an equal and who can do so effortlessly. It serves as a touchstone I can come back to whenever relating gets messy and I need to analyze a relationship, its quality, and value.

This is a very personal list and can by no means be generalized to all because it arose from lessons learned through my karmic patterns, early woundings and other conditioning. Therefore it might contain things that are of no relevance to others or lack aspects that are key to their joy and fulfillment in relationships. Yet it may serve as an inspiration for contemplation and maybe even writing of your own list. 

Getting clear on our boundaries, needs, wants, desires and what we no longer are willing to tolerate before engaging with a potential partner, friend, family member, or colleague makes a huge difference in my experience. 

Regularly checking in with myself and updating my Relationship Q&A’s and this list is immensely insightful, as it tracks how my boundaries move and settle in new places. And it helps me know my current self and new experiences that are opening up in relating as old ones are released. Being clear and committing myself to being true to Self helps me make wiser choices in service of my wellbeing and that of others.

 I define the 4 categories below as follows:

Absolute Dealbreakers are (consistent) negative behaviors or traits which immediately and non-negotiably disqualify someone from any kind of relationship with me.  

Red Flags are troubling behaviors or traits that show up occasionally yet are alarming and unwelcome in my friendship circles and all the more so in close relationships or intimate partnerships. The more red flags I encounter the more I will be motivated to distance myself or disengage totally.

Orange Flags are behaviors and traits that point to underlying red flags or dealbreakers which need observation to discern if they are a sign of someone releasing negative traits or of their attempts at presenting themselves more favorably. 

Green Flags are welcome and desirable behaviors or traits which open doors to trust and closer relating.

Absolute Dealbreakers:

Lack of self love

Lack of integrity

Lack of intimacy

Lack of intelligence

Lack of communication skills

Lack of self work

Lack of accountability

Lack of self reflection

Lack of emotional availability

Imbalance of giving & receiving

I feel a lack of trust or respect for them

I feel a lack of alignment or meeting on the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual dimension

I feel unsafe, unseen, unheard, limited and unbalanced in their presence

Red Flags:

Lack of self love

Lack of sovereignty

Lack of full responsibility for self

Lack of self reflection

Lack of self work

Lack of shadow work

Lack of emotional intelligence

Lack of emotional availability

Lack of vulnerability

Lack of depth

Lack of kindness

Lack of compassion

Lack of consideration

Lack of curiosity

Lack of playfulness 

Lack of creativity

Lack of passion

Lack of hygiene

Lack of intrinsic motivation

Lack of awe for existence

Ego-centricity

Superficiality

Neediness 

Messiness

Stuck in analysis-paralysis

Stuck in self-sabotage or self-destruction

Stuck in outsourcing emotional labor

Stuck in low self-esteem/grandiosity

Lack of openness to change of behavior, thinking or patterns

Lack of capacity to create change

Lack of honor for other’s perspectives, needs and sovereignty

Inability to express love freely and with generosity

Inability to express their appreciation for me

Inability to see, hear and value me adequately

Inability to see and acknowledge their ego’s cruelties

Orange flags:

Evasiveness

Extreme need for privacy

Secrets

Selfishness

Stinginess

Wastefulness

Tone deafness

Phlegmatism

Lack of sensitivity

Lack of dignity (self respect)

Lack of boundaries

Lack of self care

Lack of openness about themselves

Lack of expressions of appreciation or gratitude

Lack of consideration for nature ( incl. others, animals, planet)

Green flags:

Depth

Presence

Mindful

Integrity

Intelligence

Accountability

Reliability and trustworthiness

Self work has become almost second nature

Knows own shadow and ego, has an effective shadow work practice

Ease and quality of self reflection proving a longstanding practice

Taking responsibility for his life, experience, actions, words and energy

Good self care (mental, emotional, spiritual & physical)

Good balance in giving and receiving

Good communication skills

Good emotional literacy, availability and intelligence

Good levels of self love apparent in choices, actions & thinking

Beautiful inside and out

Caring and compassionate

Cherishes and prioritizes relationships

Respectful of boundaries and need for consent

Quick to repair damage or misunderstandings

I feel an effortless and easeful connection with them on all dimensions

I feel a deeper sense of respect and admiration for them

I feel appreciated, cherished, respected and valued by them

I feel open, safe, seen, heard, free, playful and balanced in their presence

Photography: ‘The Golden Imprint I’ by Viet Ha Tran

The post Relationship Dealbreakers and Flags appeared first on Venuskind.

To survive I emulated these attitudes consciously and subconsciously in parts of my internal tribe. Inadvertently and sadly taking up the role of abuser towards myself and others in its wake. Rarely allowing myself to feel or own moments of sensitivity or tenderness, my subconscious numbing and repression being instant and almost total in all but a few situations. Recoiling from, feeling uncomfortable with and irrespectful of those who expressed their sensitivity and tenderness, all the more harshly if they were male. And yet I felt attracted to the more artistic, poetic and creative types who tended to be more on the sensitive side – nothing about trauma and wounding is ever logical in my experience.

Concurrently I incarnated with a strong warrior spirit willing to protect whoever was marginalized or attacked, most often than not the weak, the powerless, and the sensitive and tender. And so this specific internal war was seeded and took a great part of my energy, attention, and capacity to live life in inner peace and full creative expression away. Decades of moving from one perception to the other, feeling good about myself in one and painful shame when the harshness overtook.

I began my work on this in my late teenage years with whatever tools I could find in a world that was still pre-internet and little psychological and neuroscientific research being accessible to ‘normal’ people. I learned to manage the external expressions of the abuser, by sheer willpower, and had to endure many defeats and failures without the soothing balm of self compassion, which heaped more shame to the mountain I already held in the subconscious. In my thirties things thankfully began to take a turn as better tools and practices became available to me and I opened more to ‘esoteric’ tools. This is where my true and most effective work commenced. Everything before could only be compared to putting bandaids on a deep and infected wound. A temporary solution at best but mere useless actionism in the long run.

Fragility

Reclaiming my tenderness and sensitivity only happened once I had learned to differentiate it from the fragility of my wounded parts. In my mind fragility is an expression of the egoic nature, its existence serves to protect the status quo and is counterproductive to true healing and integration. Fragility is what makes us reactive, defensive and stubbornly avoidant to all that would heal its underlying pool of emotions, sensations, memories distorting and festering in the depth of the subconscious expertly hidden from our waking awareness. 

Fragility being a function of the ego is cunning, a shapeshifter and spinner of illusion which manage to enchant us into believing them to be reality. Fragility’s rationalizations and emotive reactivities have an intensity of pull that effortlessly highjacks our awareness into its states of hyper-activation and limited higher brain functioning.

To calm fragility I have to face, feel and integrate trauma and shadows – it is, of course, an ongoing process as we keep experiencing new traumas which express in novel ways and necessitate new and better adapted tools of knowing and healing. 

Trauma and Shadow work

A lot of people speak about trauma and shadow work these days but when I look at them and their words I can often sense with clarity that they only ventured to do the most superficial work on these themselves. Rare is the voice of wisdom and the glint in the eyes of those who went deep into the abyss of trauma and shadow.

I have written and shared some insights into my ongoing trauma and shadow work here, but admittedly only in the lightest way, as to write about it as I experience it is nigh impossible as our language lacks words to aptly describe the depth of despair, excruciating pain and abject sense of disorientation and lostness and all the other hues of sensations and emotions that I have to sit with as I contain my impulse to flee and deny whatever arises. This work is not for the faint at heart, it is definitely not for those lacking in discipline, honesty or the lazy.

Shadow and trauma work necessitate much courage, resilience and willingness to begin them and stick through the challenging moments, but the most precious qualities needed are cultivated in the process when handled right: self compassion, self love, self trust.

Without self compassion and love we cannot gauge in a helpful way how much work is needed, when to take breaks, when to resource ourselves by doing things we love and by taking loving care of our body, mind and spirit like the amazing parents and lovers we never had. Without self trust we will crumble whenever our fragility speaks in the language of fear and catastrophizing instead of trudging on the seemingly endless path of self work. And in my case I will add that I needed my inner light and spirit, the aspect at the core of my being, which has always led and gently pushed me towards healing and integration and picked me up whenever I was down on my knees.

In shadow and trauma work I learned to feel and engage with my sensitivity and tenderness in wholly new ways.

Sensitivity and Tenderness

When sensitivity and tenderness are released from the repression of our wounded patterns we might easily feel overwhelmed by them and with the old judgements still echoing in our minds we might feel like stepping back or distracting ourselves in order not to feel them. And we might even feel shame-anxiety or the shame that was induced into us when we showed ourselves in tenderness. 

It is key how we respond in these mystical moments of new beginnings. We are learning emotional intelligence and competence here. It takes time, effort, compassion and a playful attitude to navigate this with grace. This is where our trust in ourselves deepens: In daring to experience how much we can stretch, how much more than our mind believes we can actually take and what happens when we mindfully move past the boundaries of our thinking. 

It is uncomfortable to be sensitive or tender, things get under our skin much more than they ever did in our previous armored iterations of self, therefore we will have to learn ways of dealing with sensations and emotions as they arise and keep tinkering away until we find our stride. It helps to train the mind to look out for the gifts of these states: What are we experiencing, learning and accessing through being sensitive and tender? Where do we need to set new boundaries now that we are becoming softer and more receptive to energies and life? 

I have found, with an infinite sense of awe and wonder, how much strength and resilience I derive from reconnecting with and making ample spaces for sensitivity and tenderness. Once I had my critical selves come around and welcome them, external comments or dis-ease could not get to me as much anymore. I am more sensitive, I feel more of the violence and harshness that has been normalized and embedded in human relating and communicating. And yet it is by far easier to balance and integrate any harm encountered in a state of tenderness and sensitivity than it ever was to do so from states of fragility. 

In other words it is SAFER to be in open, sensitive and receptive states than it ever could be to be armored, protected and therefore in fragility. Read that again and ponder it!

Yes, it may seem that people can hurt me more easily than they could hurt previous iterations of myself. But to an awakened and self-knowing observer, who has done quite a bit of deeper trauma and shadow work, it is clear that the cost of armoring and hyper-activations are much higher and self-destructive than open-hearted living could ever incur. 

Living in our trauma and without integration of shadow has deeply destructive costs to our mental and physical health down to changes of our DNA and limits our capacity of making a good life for us in all other aspects of life. That is why I often silently shake my head at those who are health fanatics, experts on nutrition, body work, health hacks, etc. but deeply avoidant of anything that would take them deeper into trauma and shadow work. And though working on your psyche and subconscious unlocks positive effects for your physical health, merely focusing on the body only has a lightening but not a consistently healing effect on our psyche and subconscious. 

The only adjuvants or partial alternatives to doing self work I have observed are conscious and shamanic plant medicine treatments and highly charged and focused energy healing work, which both take a level of mastery most energy healers unfortunately cannot access due to their own states of fragmentation and lacking spiritual mastery.

From my current vantage point I am observing on the global plane humanity experimenting with fragility and clashes of fragilities.

My hope is that we are becoming aware of the immense costs of egoic games of protection, victimhood, abuse and dominance and that we heal and transcend them in our race consciousness. Ending the need for endless replays of hurtful and destructive patterns and opening the pathway to higher and new ways of engaging with each other, with animals, plants, and our beloved mother planet.

I see the opportunity for us as a collective to learn and evolve past fragility and learn to live with sensitivity and tenderness instead. Deeply empowered by the gifts of tenderness and enriched by the dimensions of life, joy and fulfillment it unlocks for us.

This is the dream, hope, and vision I hold at my core.

Art “Neuroses in Blossom” by Shikeith Cathey 

The post On Fragility, Tenderness and Sensitivity appeared first on Venuskind.

In the past 5 years I have shared a little on the disruptions, betrayals and ending of friendships that were very dear and precious to me. Yet I did so only haltingly and while keeping the depth of pain, disappointment and devastation I have felt mostly contained to myself. Not out of fear of burdening you or making myself ‘too’ vulnerable but out of a sense of sacredness of those feelings. They were mine to feel and hold in their entirety and to share them with another necessitated, in my healing phase, a deep degree of intimacy and trust with another as well as the knowing they can and know how to hold this space with me as I was feeling and processing.

Now I feel I have come to the end of said cycle of learning and can more holistically and openly share my experience and process as I stand in a space of enough integration and transformation that I can communicate it in a way that makes this a sharing of medicine and not of distortion or affirmation of imbalance. As I progress on my path I am learning the importance not only of the intention behind my words but also their form and accompanying energy and to hold myself more accountable in being mindful of all three.

Looking back from where I stand now I understand how these 3 friendships ended in a way that opened a gateway to my three core woundings and original trauma triggers:

The first outright abandoned me in a rare and precarious moment I turned to him for help. 

The second crossed boundaries, triggered inadvertently my childhood sexual abuse and manipulations and denied me an opportunity to talk about it and ground myself through reconnecting, co-regulation and save our friendship which was very precious to me. 

The third neglected our relationship, took my being there for her for granted, without any willingness and capacity for reciprocity and distanced herself from intimacy and sharing in a time of extraordinary challenges and hardships in my life.

It is hard to convey in words the depth of abject pain I felt at the betrayal and abandonment, the disorientation, the distrust in my relational system and capacity to choose and cultivate friendships… the regression into the wounded child I was, feeling the vastness of despair, disconnection and loneliness and the need to hold my raging protectors in all their anger, resentment and vengeful feelings. All of which lasted for years.

It is fascinating how I was guided to respond to all three in a unique way and how that staid the same or shifted in unexpected ways. 

The first one I dismissed out of my life without any further communication or attempts at repairing because I sensed the impossibility of it and my total unwillingness to accept that in any of my relationships. If he crossed my path now I would be polite but I would not be open to a reconciliation. Maybe if he led with an embodied apology which expressed in all of his words and actions. And even then, he would have to re-earn my respect and trust which I willfully would not make easy for him.

The second one I unfriended after a period of trying to see them in person and process together what happened and repair the sudden disruption. It was his unwillingness to show up that made me choose to unfriend him although I still loved him deeply and ending the friendship hurt me like little in my life ever managed to hurt me.

The third I didn’t unfriend, I chose to divest my energy and engagement to equal hers and reframe our connection as an acquaintanceship, which is its own kind of ending a friendship in my universe. Though she wanted to repair and work on the friendship, after having gone dark for a long time, I was no longer interested and willing to invest more of my energy. In the grieving process of observing the changes in our connection in the period of her silence I realized a fundamental imbalance in our connection and its inherent limitations. I understood we could not travel into new lands of friendship and connection that were calling me and emerging in my other friendships and connections. And here a rather ruthless aspect of me emerged to insist my energy kept being invested in what was blossoming and not in what has become a part of the past. 

In the past years of tending to my core woundings, confronting my trauma and its distortions to my perceptions and most of all to my relational system I had to get very clear, honest and intentional with how I define relationships, how I am willing to show up and invest in them, where I am unavailable or outright unwilling to engage and where I am willing to extend myself even if it is challenging and painful. These have been years of reclusion and hermiting, pulling back from almost all real life social engagements apart from a select few that made me come out of my shell with their love and persistence. Years of deep contemplative inquiry, shadow work, self love and internal consolidation, while holding my remaining inner circle with as much love and care I could muster.

Now I look back with gratitude and see the immense gift these endings have been, each in its own way was a portal into healing the most armored and tender woundings of my past, initiations into a major part of the integration and healing I needed to bring to my being. The anger and resentment I felt have been transmuted into a changed inner landscape and wonderfully forged, nurtured and cultivated close friendships on whom I know I can rely and lean  and who have been my light in the darkest passages of this journey. The disappointment has been balanced with compassion for their humanity and storylines of trauma and wounding. All that is left in my wounded child and protectors is compassion, love, gratitude for them and a clarity on my needs, wants, desires and boundaries for friendships.

And with that a fundamental shift in my relational system has come about that fills me with amazement and awe as I observe its unfolding and blossoming. 

For most of my life my system could only conceptualize, feel and allow people to be in my life if the connection aligned with my wishes and expectations and if we had a huge falling out it was impossible to repair or reconnect. Now there is a spaciousness in me which can accept and adapt to the shifts of relationships and allow for others to weave in and out of my life within my internal framework of sovereignty and self love. Which means that I need not create strict boundaries and walls to keep people out or in, I trust myself to respond adequately or repair where I stumbled and allow others to do the same as long. I no longer lose sight of my sovereignty, wellbeing and self love in my friendships.

Another gift of this painful cycle is my ability to fully surrender to the leadership of my higher self or soul. A surrender and total trust which allowed me to fully be present and open-hearted with the second friend when he crossed my path a couple of weeks ago. This synchronistic event allowed me to experience the healing of residuals of the above mentioned themes of this cycle with full consciousness in the slow and measured pace of my soul, body and heart. To witness the grace of liberation of past pain and limitations is beyond words. All I verbalize is that I feel a depth of humility and awe for the becoming I am gifting myself, for the blessings I now can fully appreciate in unison of all parts of my being, for the excitement of the possibilities that are opening up and a warm welcome and receptivity for what wants to be born from this.

I have no idea if the reconnection is a process of closure before parting, or if it is the beginning of a new friendship, which may be based on a more conscious and heartful foundation, or whatever else it could be. All I know is that I have grown and get to taste the beauty of freedom and wholeness in sweeter ways than I have ever tasted them in this incarnation. For this I give thanks with all of my being!

So my loves if your friendships break, if people fall away, love yourself into wholeness and sidestep best you can any temptations to frame them as toxic, unworthy or similar. 

See it is our dearest soul kin who will volunteer to teach us our most painful and lessons, not out of negativity but their souls generosity and love toward ours. They avail themselves to enter the field of trauma and take the karma upon themselves of hurting us for our consciousness and soul expansion. I bow to these souls in gratitude and in the knowing of the costly gift they have given me, even if their human expression is unconscious and not capable to show up in the love of their soul essence or if my human decides they no longer have a place in my life.

May our human family evolve into a state where we can co-create our lessons without utilizing pain as the messenger and pathway of learning. And may we be gentle with each other and hone our skills of healing self and our relationships until we get there.

And may we hold the ones who stand by us in loyalty and love with the gentlest and most nurturing embrace and keep showing up for them in all the ways they need. I bow to my beloveds who carried me through this time of pain and healing with their love, presence, compassion, humor, being and radiance. 

The post Friendships, Betrayal, Abandonment, Neglect & Healing into Wholeness appeared first on Venuskind.

My (small) self has come a long way in my healing journey utilizing therapy as much as self work in order to achieve inner peace and wellbeing. I am grateful for what I did eventually achieve and learn along the way. Yet I also had to concede that psychology had its limits, that deeper set distortions as well as the unconscious patterns necessitated the tools of spirituality. And as the years progressed intuition guided me to more and more powerful modalities, tools and perception changes. Making me often wonder where I could be today if said tools would have been available to me in my mid or late twenties and leaving me feeling grateful that younger generations will be able to heal faster and better for it.

For the past year I have been in a sublime internal dance of love, care and surrender which deepened my primary relationship with my own being. I observe the way my Self is teaching and healing my self whenever she surrenders and makes space for her to take the lead. Life has slowed down to a crawl internally as the Self illuminates and helps the self figure out the patterns and futilities of patterns to inspire the self to experiment with novel responses and derive joy from this newfound playfulness and ease. There are moments that trigger thoughts and feelings of “I can’t do this!” or “This is too much!” and my Self simply smiles and asks “Are you sure this is not your fear or trauma speaking? Do you know who I am? Do you know what I am?” And my whole being relaxes, leans into the knowing of the Self as the illusions of smallness and fragility fade into historic memories.

Coached by the Self into more balance and inner peace more consciousness and wisdom keeps coming into my knowing. The inner Guru is making every breath and every moment a teaching opportunity which leaves me feeling contemplative and appreciative of the vastness and complexity of life. An inner radiance arises from this dance of love and wisdom, a light that renders my being unshakable yet deeply compassionate.

As I was in deep meditative writing today I realized how things that once would have triggered all sorts of trauma and shadow responses simply make me laugh within. And I think to myself well met old friend, thank you for alerting me to the quality of my frequency which invited you into my experience. Then I recalibrate, rebalance internally while not paying the external event or trigger no mind. I have finally understood what the eastern masters mean when they say “There is nothing to do” when my Self showed me the ineffectivity and waste of energy of the constant toiling and activism of the self. I no longer feel the need to respond or sort things out externally unless intuition clearly nudges me to. Otherwise I am practicing my default of sorting things out in the subtle and energetic realms by sorting out my vibrational state. At first I felt like all kinds of drama and pain might ensue if I did not follow the desires of the self to engage, respond, act upon what had happened. But I chose to trust my Self and practice self composure and containment even if my emotions were in a turmoil and it was rewarded with less and less turmoil and a calming down of the hyper-reactive triggers I used to have. 

I have been living in the experience and knowing of my wholeness for years now but this experience is adding a whole new layer of feeling safe, content and powerful to my inner state of being. Where once co-dependency made me feel existential fears of abandonment and losing another, I feel spacious and complete enough to speak my truth, be myself and dare to lose another. Not from a rebellious or avoidant energy, as part of my trauma let me respond in certain circumstances but from a deep feeling of being whole, loved, cared for, abundant and part of a magnificent universe of love. 

Another realization that made me laugh and shake my head is this:

I used to think that self-realization was about experiencing and knowing one’s Self. Now I see that it can only be the beginning, as self-realization, if it is not a sudden and sustained state of enlightenment, necessitates the self to surrender and hand over the rains to the Self while aligning itself with her and serving her. 

This is where I find true freedom, a freedom which is based on universal truths and truths of Self leadership. And this is also part of the vast magic of love, which I have only begun to explore.

I bow in gratitude and awe to Life, my greatest and most benevolent Guru!

Photography by Venuskind

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The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others. That action is the testimony of love as the practice of freedom.
~ bell hooks, Outlaw Culture

My journey of self-integration and healing can be narrated as a journey of commitment to love for my inner tribe of selves.

I have come through many stages of committing to loving aspects of myself, building habits and practices of self love and care, and slowly and gently acknowledging, facing and loving shadow aspects back into a more whole and hale self. This is an ongoing journey, as it is all too easy to fall into unloving thinking, feeling and acting towards myself when I am low in resources and energy.

And yet I have come a long way on this challenging road to freedom.

Of course that was only half of the commitment to love journey I have consciously committed to. The other half is equally important and challenging in its own ways. To learn to love another in all their aspects, light and shadow, to extend compassion, kindness and generosity even when they prick and pain me, to protect them from unconscious hurtful expressions and actions from me and to do all this from sovereignty feels quite daunting at times.

To balance self love and love for another, to let it flow in a circular system of reciprocal nourishment, inspiration, joy and compassion is the holy grail for a fractured and traumatized self. A goal that can only be achieved by the alignment of self, higher Self and consciousness for more and more extended periods of time until it becomes our default setting. At least in my perception and experience.

This year I am called to teach my wounded and shadow aspects, which were created as per our soul contract with my mother, to CHOOSE to be loving, act with kindness and compassion even in moments of triggered CPTSD while being true to my own needs and boundaries. I am not saying this is what everyone has to do, nor that you are not entitled to your emotions of anger, resentment, hate and whatever else might arise for you in your primary wounding relationships. This is what I have been called to do after years of expressing openly my anger, sadness, grief and hate, a new stage, a new way of relating opening up for me now that foundations for self nurture and self love are firmly set.

Embracing on a mental level the commitment to love and choosing to be loving to others as an expression of my core being and not because their behavior deserved it was easy. For it is comparatively easy to disentangle from the concept of giving people what they deserve and drop the distorted concept of deserving/undeserving on the mental plane. Doing this on an emotional and physical plane is a decidedly different dimension of challenge to my self leadership.

Higher Self and consciousness lead the way to more equanimity in the mental/emotional which allows me to gently magnetize the emotional/physical into a state of homeostasis or balance. It is an excruciatingly slow progress for the mind, as the wounded parts and shadow feel like running towards old soothing strategies and reactivities at the slightest discomforting trigger and I observe the old scripts play out with all their negative ramifications for my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing. It takes many repetitions and regressions as well as the unswerving love and support of all other aspects of self and higher Self before the wounded and shadow parts can acknowledge the futility of their go-to-solutions and concede to trying something else. And much cheerleading, loving reminders and celebration of small wins is necessary in order for them to stay on course. Especially when their first attempts and steps are not reciprocated in kind.
Another layer of learning lay here for me: We (inner tribe of selves) are not loving to others in a game of barter or in expectations of getting our needs met by them. We are loving because this is our true nature to which we choose to return. Being loving is all the reward it needs.

It will still take a while and many repetitions of consciously choosing to be love and act as love in a variety of relationships until I can even remotely say that I have laid a foundation similar to the one I have built for self love. And yet I am already reaping the rewards of this work by virtue of the feeling of alignment within, the joy of oneness within and embodying integrity and love in relating whenever I wholly choose to act from love. It feels good to extend myself in love to others knowing that I can and will do my best to show up, be accountable and responsible, caring and mindful in my relationships. No longer having to fear being helplessly highjacked by my shadow aspects into painful catastrophizing abysses or loops of hurtful behavioral patterns towards others. Knowing that I have what I need to see and stop these patterns, and if they manage to bypass my awareness, knowing I have the tools, knowledge and commitment of my inner tribe to repair and make amends best we can in cooperation with another.

This is what empowerment through love feels like to me.

Grateful for the selves, people, lessons and experiences which help me anchor more deeply into my nature and lighten the heaviness of trapped distortions in my field.

May we all be free from suffering,
may we all be love.

Photography by Brenda Del Rao

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Hungry ghosts

Some of the parts that operate in the shadow of our unconscious I call “hungry ghosts” as they are residues of our past (own, other lifetimes or ancestral). They are seeming black holes of need which are masked and keep replaying the same patterns to try to haphazardly fulfill their unacknowledged or repressed needs. When still weakened they only haunt our minds but if they gain strength or find a weakness in the repression that held them down they come out with a vengeance. And in their hunger and pain they will ransack, destroy and sacrifice anything standing in their way. Relationships, livelihoods, homes – everything is up for grabs when they take the wheel of selfhood.

I was able to observe a hungry ghost in action and learn about its ego-centric if not narcissistic logic at play. What was most fascinating to observe was that the person who houses it remained wholly blind to its nature as their identification with the thoughts and expressions were complete and they lacked the distance to question where the thoughts expressed came from and how they align with their values, previously expressed wishes, their wellbeing or the person they are speaking to. It is always easier to observe it in others than in ourselves as we lack identification with the ghost but it necessitates to be dis-identified to whatever counterpart in us is triggered by them.

Hungry ghosts are the parts of ourselves we have split off and starved of our acknowledgement, attention, consciousness and love. They are geared towards getting their needs met externally and focus all their energy and dramatic play on external engagements to take, get or manipulate others into giving them what they want. But no amount of external love, attention or care will ever be enough – this black hole of extinction can only be filled and transformed by our own love, attention, forgiveness and making amends with the gentlest of care towards that part.

Appeasing and reigning in our hungry ghosts is a journey, it takes disciplined mindfulness, self-compassion and self love – lots of love to balance out the neglect and violence perpetrated by us in decades. No half-hearted attempts or dishonesty will do here, they are acutely aware of these and need us to show up in full integrity or with honesty as to our current state. It is truly an art to listen to their needs, worries, beliefs and integrate them into a balanced tribe of selves in a healthy and enriching way. Yet feeding and healing our hungry ghosts is non-negotiable to living a conscious, prosperous, creative, healthy and joyful life with thriving relationships and spirits.

Another’s hungry ghost

I will listen to expressions of wishes, wants, needs, dreams and goals others share but I especially look out and give more weight to the pattern of choices, actions, slip ups and other expressions of unacknowledged parts of their selves.

When faced with a hungry ghost in most people I try to simply be a calm witness to them and their underlying story. Acknowledging them energetically without feeding them my energy or enabling their harmful patterns by engaging them. I sometimes fail in this and catch myself in an entanglement with them but I am working on getting better at it.

Depending on the level of consciousness or dearness of the other to me I will gently or fumblingly put questions to them that might act as a disruptor in the identification with the ghost. Seeding awareness and curiosity in the most light-hearted and non-judgmental way I can muster and making the observation and analysis of the ghost pattern a fun and playful dance. What is the value of our relationships if we are not in service to each other’s awakening to self limitations and unconscious patterns?

With some, who not only consent to but are also capable of having a meta conversation and reflection of their dynamics and mine, I will be acting as a mirror and share impressions, bringing their blind spots into their range of vision to inform their self work. 

With the right people these can be magical moments of sharing impressions that trigger cascading domino effects of reflections, realization and knowing of the driving motivations, thought forms, beliefs, old wounds, effects of the behavior on self and others in both or all participants. Such are moments of blissful value even if they may be painful to our ego and its game of hide and seek. The unraveling, the ripping of a veil and the light of spirit in their eyes as they take back more of their power and freedom to embody more of their sovereignty is a magnificent sight & sense. To me this ranges amongst the peak experiences we can share with another being!

Of course it doesn’t mean that we won’t lapse back into behavioral patterns after such revelatory insights but we will no longer be able to blind ourselves fully to the dynamic and its cost anymore which is an important milestone in the journey towards freedom.

The impersonal self

There are of course the painful moments where we have to accept that another is not ready or capable to face his hungry ghosts or hasn’t cultivated enough self-compassion and self love to feed and heal themselves. Nothing left but to accept it and trust and honor their soul’s path to be perfect as it is.

It often leaves me a bit at a loss when the person with the raving hungry ghost is new to my life. Typically two selves in me will take the stage, one arguing for complete disengagement as I have committed to give my energy and service primarily to those who are already in my life and dear to me and those intuition explicitly guides me to and no longer waste it where it will have no positive effect. My service self argues that I would not want to deny another the service of having a compassionate witness which he needs and this part thrives on giving. As both sides discuss and other selves chime in with current priorities in need of my finite time, energy and attention this might come to an impasse necessitating my impersonal self to save the day. 

I am so in love with this part of my being which has awakened last year to full power and action and has brought peace to my inner tribe wherever fault lines had kept conflicts going for decades.

She is a dispassionate and impersonal (read as non-ego-driven) assessor, weighing the experiences shared with the other and looking at the dynamics, personalities from all sides available to her, listening to all selves participating in this conversation, calling in other selves to give their input and calling in communion with intuition to discern if this connection is necessary to my soul’s path or theirs… once all is said, heard, seen, felt, sensed and weighed she makes a decision all other selves align with and peace leads my being back to love and harmony. 

She is the only one that can talk sense to my hungry ghosts in their most triggered state as they know her as an unswervingly loving and fierce ally, she is beloved to all in my tribe of selves and acts in service of all that is to the best of her knowing. And even if at times she feels cold and heartless to the more dependent or co-dependent selves they surrender to her in trust as they keep learning from her that love doesn’t mean self-sacrifice and martyrdom and that loving others tempered by self love is a gateway to vaster love and blissfulness than their patterns allow for.

If I walk away from people these days it is no longer a reactive response from fragility, even if that may have played into it, it is a harmonious decision of my tribe of selves which has taken the other’s wellbeing into equal consideration. And I am grateful for this process of integration of all selves by nourishing the hungry ghosts back to life and the feeling of more integrity in my actions and words which result from it.

Aligning more with my essence… a beautifully messy work in progress that fills my life and heart with wonder, adventure and gratitude!

Photography: The ghosts of my past by Mrs-White via DeviantArt

The post The Hungry Ghosts appeared first on Venuskind.

“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”                                                  ~ Nayyirah Waheed

These moments are some of the most bittersweet to be had in romantic love. Moments of almost good relationships which leave parts of us unmet. I am speaking here of parts that are key to our wellbeing and happiness in life not just superficial egoic desires.

There are many different ways we deal with such a painful or sad experience: avoidance, denial, adaptation – aka self-sacrifice – in the name of love which leads to resentments and dysfunctional dynamics of suffering, futile battles to get ones needs met by nagging, seducing or cajoling the other or any mix of these.

And then there is becoming very still, going inwards to sense, feel and know our truth and be brutally honest and crystal clear with ourself. Choosing to sit and ponder what is unmet, why it is of importance for this to be met, how to meet this part of ourselves with love, compassion and gentleness and sitting with the pain, frustration, sadness, disillusionment as we let the messages of our body in the form of sensations and flitting images guide us through this process of intimacy with self. Firmly committed to face the reality of our experience as it is, to observe and know it without the embellishments and distortions of our mind, asking for the deeper truth to be known, the hidden aspects to be seen and to listen intently and with tender compassion as it unravels within us.

Being a lovingly protective mother to all our tender and prickly parts, a fierce warrior in creating safety, space and love for them and their need to be heard, a magician in manifesting diverse sources of joyful and free fulfillment of our needs, a weaver of a network of love, connection and healing within as well as without, a sovereign being who takes full responsibility for herself.

This is the path of self love and becoming I choose every time I find myself alone on a bridge. 

It is good to know that all I need is within me and within my life, regardless if someone can find their way to the bridge or not. I am grateful for the knowing:

“There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

Photography by Sasin Tipchai

The post The Bridge appeared first on Venuskind.

“In short, the path of service consists of doing that which is before your vision at this time with as much love as you can. Most paths of service are anything but dramatic, and all paths of service are equal. The quieting of a crying child, the smile to a stranger upon the street, the sharing of the self, of food, of shelter, of listening, the doing of a job which seems to lack an opportunity for service, with faith that indeed it is of service that you have not yet penetrated, these attitudes will keep you in a positive and loving relationship to yourself. Each needs a path of service. Each needs a high self-esteem. These are gifts you give to yourself in will, in faith, and in constant self-forgiveness.

May you love yourself infinitely, for you are a child of God. Your mother, your father, is the universe, love itself. Rest, and have peace and confidence in who you really are. See the illusion for what it is, as much as you can. And when you fail and fail and fail again, as you will inevitably think that you do, never chide yourself, but with patience and care and love grasp once again your desire, your hope, your dreams and your ideals, and go forward on this path of mystery.”

~ Q’uo -The Law Of One

Photography: Isilda Moreira by Frederico Martins

The post Service to Other appeared first on Venuskind.

A confluence of new insights and knowing which created more internal cohesion, new spiritual tools and practices that enabled the healing of deep childhood traumas and more self loving choices on my part created a bountiful inner garden.

It is an awesome feeling to look back at a year and feel more than content with the work I accomplished and the freedom, joy and creative flow it allowed for.

What a change to the past 9 years that felt like an endless grind of cycles of painful losses, purging and disintegration to now experience the reclaiming of inner landscapes and seeing them bloom as I gain mastery of my selves and learn to embody my sovereignty in more and more areas of my life with clarity,  ease and flow.

Nothing beats this feeling of inner cohesion, joyful and creative interplay of selves after decades of inner conflicts and sabotaging.

And the cherry on the pie is the freeing of the relationship with my first love and healer from the pain, limitations and blockages past betrayals, disappointments and fears caused… welcome back Music, it has been too long! 

How is your spiritual gardening? 

What are the gifts this year brought to your life? 

Are your inner landscapes thriving and blooming? 

Which new seeds do you plan on seeding for the next cycle? 

Art: Arctic-Designs via DeviantArt

The post Spiritual Gardening appeared first on Venuskind.

Fascinating how our healing paths are perfectly individual, giving us lessons and insights that open up doors to resources within us, which later on turn out to be much needed for more challenging lessons and revelations down the road. I see with clarity that I am always cared for on this path of self realization and always, always guided via all kinds of signs, prompts, helpful messages, thoughtful friends giving me much needed wisdom, validation or clarification of vague intuitions.

I have learned that the habits of the mind are harder to change than emotional habits. Even if it may seem to be the other way around on the surface, on a cursory glance or brush with them. 

Emotional habits even if they resort to knee-jerk responses can be eventually managed or even controlled by a disciplined mind. 

Yet who will manage an uncooperative or unhealthy mind?

Consciousness of course. Yet consciousness does not operate with strictness or harshness and often utilizes the mind in engaging with us and this dimension. It also speaks and acts through the heart – but again the feelings and emotions permeating us from consciousness are not the forceful, flooding kind our subconscious creates.

Which makes for a slower pace and more challenges in finding pathways to bring our minds back on track and free them from their bad habits and conditioning.

It has been a relief to find ways of detaching myself or moving out of spaces where my own mind bullied or tortured me. To know that I have the power to rid myself from this experiences of internal oppression has been freeing and a shining tether to wellbeing whenever I lost myself in the artificial realities my thoughts conjured.

My main tools and resources in dealing with repetitive patterns of thinking which would take me into states of stagnation, unhappiness or depression are such that need cultivation and nourishment even in times of ease but also serve me in countless other ways:

Having a strong connection with Source

Being anchored in the felt sense, experience, knowing and feeling of the oneness of all, the love and beauty of existence at my core. To have that inner space of calmness, clarity and love no matter what chaos, storms or darkness might be raging in my mind and emotions is a gift I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is the protector of my sanity, my respite and succor.

Humor – not taking myself and life too seriously

It has taken a couple of years to learn and practice this. Looking for the humor or absurdity in any given situation, no matter how “serious” we are told it is or believe it to be. Allowing myself some ‘comical relief’ is such an important break from my cult conditioning and brings spaciousness to moments! Being serious has often a constricting effect on our mind, body and energy. Humor allows us to breathe deeper, take more space and find our way back to the bigger picture of life and connect with the vast possibilities life holds as it operates outside of the limitations of linear thinking and perception.

Having an actively engaged Healer

Looking back I have always had a part in me that pushed me towards healing and growth. I have consciously amplified this parts voice within me, given it knowledge (book knowledge, education) and knowing (intuition, claires, etc.). And she is the one who engages the mind on its own ground, meaning she reasons artfully with the mind. My inner healer points out irrationalities, logical fallacies, harmful effects, the track record of failure of this line of thinking and while thanking the parts/ thoughts/ mind for their efforts she suggests better and more successful ways of protecting me from disappointment/ rejection/ pain/ shame/ guilt and other feelings it is attempting to avoid. She is strict where she needs to be but otherwise compassionate, playful and inspiring… and she never tires in meeting the parts who stray and bring them back to path of integration and growth.

Create timeouts from thinking and emoting

This might take the form of meditation, yoga, qigong, dance, time in nature or any creativity or expression that gets me in the zone e.g. mantras, cooking (my longtime favorite). Sometimes I just shake the funk out of my body, which appears to be truly stupid to my mind but eventually even my most stuck up aspects give way to laughing and the doorways to ease and grace open up.

Please remember you can be the creator of your experience. You have the power to create new doorways where your mind tells you there are none. Just educate yourself, practice and laugh yourself through the times you stumble and fall.. until you fall less and make a stumble part of your unique and beautiful dance.

May all beings find their golden door to freedom and love!

Photography: The Golden Door by Patrizia Guerresi 

The post When Your Mind is a Bully appeared first on Venuskind.

“A good apology is like antibiotic, a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.” 
~ Randy Pausch

I used to think of apologies as the panacea of healing or an adding of insult to injury depending on their delivery and subsequent actions. As I operated from the idea that people “made me” feel one way or another that was a logical. The more I learned to take responsibility for my emotions, as my choice by virtue of reverting to habitual perceptions and scripts my subconscious keeps reenacting and buying into, the less this idea aligned with my felt and sensed reality.

The presence or absence of an apology and its quality no longer had total control of my wellbeing. They affect it in moments of triggering or in close familial relationships but they lost their strangling hold on my emotions. I have developed more spaciousness in me to pause, reflect and choose my response consciously.

These days the quality and form of an apology is an expression of another’s state of consciousness, awareness and an (unconscious) expression of the value of our relationship or my person to them. These things I observe, take in and reflect on before responding. 

The absence or form of an apology does not define if and when I forgive someone. I choose to work towards authentically forgiving everyone and everything as a gift of love and freedom to self and other.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” 
~ Benjamin Franklin

Often an apology will be accompanied by an excuse or a worse a string of them and my response will be a knowing smile as it tells me they are not taking full responsibility for their actions, not quite honest and/ or are avoiding touching on wounds of shame or guilt they hold around wronging or hurting another.

Repeated apologies lacking a change of actions or more enlightened awareness are often an expression of a lack of true understanding or acceptance of the wrongness of their action and show a lack of internal alignment of all parts in pursuit of change.

Apologies and changed behavior without a verbal or behavioral expression of a willingness and active participation in repairing the damage caused to other and relationship are the well meaning acts of people who haven’t contemplated, intuited or cared to researched the dynamics of relating and beingness.

Different to earlier years, I tend to accept all types of incomplete apologies because I have no wish to hold them hostage to their misstep and I take full responsibility for my feelings in response to the situation and right things internally. 

Understanding that I have the power to affect or define how to perceive, think and feel about what happened by choosing my thoughts and paradigms has gifted me with more peace and less feelings of powerlessness and helplessness due to external control over my wellbeing. 

But none of my shifts has  lead to making myself a doormat or being accepting of abusive or denigrating behaviors by others to the contrary. I have become more perceptive and deliberate in choosing what kind of people or relationship dynamics I want and allow to remain in my experience.

Every incomplete apology, that is any apology that doesn’t entail all of the following:

• fully taking responsibility for one’s perceptions, thoughts, actions and behaviors
• clearly owning and admitting failing
• genuinely asking for forgiveness
• changing awareness and behavior
• willingness and efforts to repair the relationship (e.g. trust)

will have me step back, sense my intuitions, reevaluate the relationship, person, shared history and decide if and in what way I want to invest in keeping, up-leveling or letting go of the relationship.

Relationships built on a long or deep history of trust, loyalty and kindness often don’t need more than a simple “Sorry.”and yet they are the ones in which I experience the most complete apologies. 

In my experience it is in new or superficial relationships that I most want to see complete apologies as part of building trust and experiences of good and effective repair in relating. And it is often in these that people overestimate the substantiality of the relationship and believe that a simple “Sorry.” will resolve things.

I am increasingly opting out of connections with people who show themselves unconscious and uncaring of the needs of friendships and relationships, the ones who are highly fragile while expecting others to be thick skinned, the ones who whine that they cannot help knowing less about relationship dynamics and consistently choosing to ignore chances to learn about them.

Interestingly enough the most challenging kinds of apologies are not the dishonest or even insultingly transparently fake ones. No the most challenging apologies are given for being yourself, for existing, for having an opinion, for breathing, for a different in preferences or tastes – apologies as expressions of painfully low self esteem and lack of self love.

I am well aware that my heightened sensitivity and reactivity to them is owed to the fact that I am unlearning patterns of unconscious low self esteem and unlove. And I know that I attract such encounters as an opportunity for growth and movement towards neutrality. But I dislike them immensely nonetheless! 

In the end it all depends on the energy with which an apology is offered, if it comes from love and/ or feelings of remorse even an incomplete apology will be accepted by me without loss or change to our relationship. If my system detects any trace of deceit or artifice in it though, I most likely will distance myself and change our relating until a full repair and restoration of trust occurs.

Photography: Unknown

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