There are people who invoke a heart-rending helplessness in me, which turns into hot anger when I observe their unwillingness or inability to do even the most minuscule thing to serve their health or wellbeing while relishing with stubborn willfulness in self-destruction.
Not choosing to do for themselves what they would do for others, if only temporary as their consistency is equally weakened by the tyranny of the shadow of self sabotage.
Not wanting to reflect on why they act this way, not wanting to put in a little effort in shifting out of this pain.
Not wanting to give up on the ‘rewards’ of complaining to others about all their drama, pains, and aches.
Defiantly parading their self abandonment and painfully obvious self destruction, eating, drinking, doing all the things they know are bad for them. While telling others to live healthy, expressing knowledge about what would serve their health as well, which they will pretend to not know about when confronted with their choices.
“Well, we don’t know what kind of food is truly good for us, one scientist says x is good for you another says its bad…”
“Don’t I deserve to have some joy in life?”
“What is it to you what I eat/drink/do? This is my life after all!”
Avoiding any treatment or change to lifestyle that could bring healing or betterment, but making a production of turning disjointedly and unskillfully to home or folk remedies they have heard something about somewhere. Not even investing in knowing how and when to apply these remedies.
It is asking too much of them to research their ailments, try to understand the workings of their body or psyche, though they have the capacity and time for it. But they will generously pour vast amounts of time and energy is researching or engaging with meaningless stuff or into their favored form of distraction and avoidance.
Why on earth can’t I stop ‘caring’ or rather engaging?
Why can’t I accept their self-destructivity as a given reality and redirect my attention elsewhere?
Why haven’t I learned after watching them do this for years, even decades?
How much of the anger this triggers is anger at them, how much of it is anger at myself, at the parts that act like them and at the parts that cannot let go?
Which part of this anger is healthy and which part could be self-harming?
What in me needs integration to free me from this old shadow dance?
What does it take to reclaim detachment to this distortion in my perceptive field?
Who is it that seethes with anger at this experience?
It is not I is it?
I know this is my issue – of my creation. It has nothing to do with them, or their choices.
The perceptive lens needs cleaning and correction:
I am not this body.
I am not this mind.