Beloved Catalyst

Once again the fabric of life has woven our threads together and rekindled feelings of love in my heart as fond memories came to life. I doubt the flame ever died down in me, though I rarely allowed myself to dwell on us in the years since our break up.

Maybe the strange experiences of the past months served to show me that I had kept loving you way more than any of my other ex partners? Whatever the reasons might be, something about us had remained unfinished until you closed it out now.

But with you I am deeply passionately,         unrequitedly in love.                                                       ~ Virginia Woolf

And as I read this quote today I realized I am finally OK to still be feeling this way as I walk away.

I wonder why it was so hard to simply acknowledge this and move on for the past weeks?

What part of me wanted me immersed in confusion and despair every time someone rejected my offer of love, be it in friendship or more?

Thanks to you I have learned to make peace with the transience of relationships and connections and release more of the expectation of continuity and permanence.

Thanks to you I have had the opportunity to release more of the pain of my original experience of abandonment and rejection. The way you have been triggering this repeatedly makes me believe this to be one of the main functions of our connection: helping me heal my core wounds.

Thanks to you I have observed my reactivities and have clarity on where my self work needs to focus to free myself from this old script.

Thanks to you I had an opportunity to practice loving another in sovereignty, freedom and with compassion even if it challenges and pains my egoic aspects.

Thanks to you I have been able to balance my Karma by paying some of my debts.

Thanks to you I have experienced again the intensity and vastness of my love as I gave what you rejected to myself. And I realized, again, that it is more than enough to be loved by myself. The love that abundantly surrounds us in life is an overflowing surplus assuring the absence of lack.

Thank you for redirecting me towards my dreams, goals and teaching me to stay mindful of my needs and wants when relating.

As I reflect upon the experience of the past months I cannot help but laugh at the silly games we play with ourselves and others. What a strangely hilarious note to end my year on.

And, though I initially felt confused and pained by your silence and coldness, I bid you farewell with nothing but feelings of gratitude and joy, my darling catalyst. Every encounter and exchange with you has made me stronger and helped me become a better version of myself. In our early days the lessons came in light while in the end they came in darkness. A perfect dark yin void to our golden yang beginnings.

Thank you for the blessings and gifts you brought to my life. I hope you are rewarded generously with bliss and contentment.

With my best wishes, love and blessings!

Photography: Unknown
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