Today I woke to the most sublime contemplations of all the beautiful and expansive ways I have been loved and met by some of my lovers and partners. A thoroughly pleasurable reminder of what has been more than worthy of my love, attention, time and work. A morning that had me following the lead of mama Venus and reminiscing in the best possible way about the most elevated relating I have had the honor to be co-creating, the sweetest and most healing love I have experienced, remembering how it feels when my heart can open and dance in love with the utmost elegance and fluidity when with the right partner. Lying in my bed I was listening to the voice of wisdom within speaking of the vastness of joy, depth of connection and interdependent dance of contraction and expansion with a beloved when aligned with all of my being and not just with select aspects.
With eyes of awe and a heart overflowing with gratitude and love I gave myself to revisiting memories of K. who shall forever have a special place in my heart and memory for ours was one of the two “healing” relationships I have had in my life. The kind that come into your experience to create the space in which you can reclaim aspects of yourself and do so in the most safe, loving, expansive and healing container. Different to “learning” relationships where there is more tension and conditional or limited safety to make for another kind of learning.
He is by far the most beautiful man I have loved, inside and out. And when I say beautiful it is an understatement for he is radiantly gorgeous! I wished I had words worthy of describing the outstanding quality of love and embodied presence this man brought to my life and heart.
Relating with him allowed me for the first time in a love relationship to be unfiltered, authentically me and know I was safe and loved no matter what I did and said. And I mean KNOW deep down in my bones and from countless experiences. Very different to other guys who you hope can take most of you as your gut keeps signalling they can’t until they prove you right and let you down.
The only lover, man and being I have told my sexual abuse experiences in full and multi-dimensional details and who could listen, be present and himself without burdening me with his pity, discomfort, insecurities or framing me as broken. A man who could make me laugh through any sadness or tears and kick my ass intellectually while expanding my horizons.
The differences in our preferences, life styles, interests or challenges of our circumstances never touched or took away from the love, respect and adoration I felt and feel for him. And that is saying a lot for me.
One whose love style was totally mirroring mine in that he never held back parts of himself and gave all of himself and constantly worked on being a better partner… though he did it in a more elevated and integrated way than I could at that time. To this day he remains the only guy I sensed was fully open, honest and transparent in all things with me. Trusting him was easy and relying on him was not disappointed.
He got me on my knees owning that I had still much healing and growth to do until I could match him in his unparalleled nigh unconditional relating and capacity of lovingly setting boundaries to follow his heart’s desires. And though I choose to walk away from him and the challenges of our long distance relationship in order to focus on healing, growing and sorting out my familial karma… my love for him has not faded, to the contrary it deepened and expanded as the years went by.
This love we are does not necessitate us to be a couple or in touch, being born of freedom and spaciousness as it is. I am happy to just know he is on this planet being his luminous and gorgeous self, loving with all of his being and expressing his magnificent soul with so much play and creativity it is a well of inspiration to all who know or observe him.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and the way he lights up my life like no other ever could. And yet I respect the circumstances that parted our paths, the fullness of the lives created which do not allow for the level of meaningful connection we both enjoy and want to share in friendships or more. And I trust our reality now to be perfect as it is, in its service to our soul’s journeys.
I hope this makes you recall when and by whom you have most blissfully been loved and whom you love(d) with all your heart.. or lets you know that outstanding and blissful relationships are possible even if you have a lot of growing and healing to do!