“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”
~ Bell Hooks
You could change the gender and see the same and related coping mechanisms in way too many humans who are partly of wholly emotionally unavailable.
The wounds of rejection and abandonment by our primary caretakers profoundly shift our relationship with love in deeply subconscious and sometimes even conscious ways. Our definitions and ideas of love and relating are skewed and distorted by the experiences we had in our early childhood. The healing and transcendence of our unhelpful coping strategies and misperceptions can only happen in relationships just as the wounds happened in relationships, which of course is a challenge as we usually attract mostly people who will repeat our past experiences and not be wise companions for our healing journey as long as we live from subconscious patterns we blind ourselves to.
Even in making our woundings and patterns conscious we will be attracting those who will repeat our past dynamics and hurts with us, offering us a chance to find new and healthier responses to such occurrences. The degree to which we have developed self acceptance and self love and inner strength defines how much emotional resilience we will have in coping with situations and challenges taking us back to our core wounds.
I have encountered many men who play out complex or twisted unconscious coping games who are adamant that their relationships with their primary caretakers were nothing but loving and perfect. Often emotionally unavailable as they live in a disconnect from their emotions, though they might believe themselves to be connected to them. Those whose ego keeps them in the belief of all being fair and “normal” are the hardest people to be in relationships with, as you clearly see their drama play out while they remain decidedly blind and in denial. Many a conversation, tearful moments and sleepless nights of my life has been wasted on making sense of it of trying to find a way to help them see, make them understand. And yet almost all attempts were to no avail. It took me many years of self work to not allow such painful relationships to last and keep shredding my heart.
These days I leave these men the moment I realize that they are incapable of stepping into a meta level of reflecting on their own behaviors and words. And really who am I to change their survival strategies when they are not ready to let them go? Who am I to dictate their soul’s timing for healing?
I chose to honor our shared sovereignty, the rightness of our individual journeys and to love and honor myself, my needs and wants in relating by loving such beautiful but troubled souls from a distance. There is no denigration in accepting that we are incompatible and do not relate in ways that assure loving and joyful growth and expansion with each other. I trust that both of us will find others better suited for our unique needs and trajectories.
Unfortunately some men choose to react in immature and unworthy ways as they frame my retreat in their ongoing narrative of unlovability, (ab)using me in their mental self harm rituals. Which truly saddens me but I no longer waste my precious lifetime on trying to change what is. I can see these patterns clearly because my ego has been doing the same often enough to teach me. See, there is no judgement just clear observations and definitely no mincing of words to protect fragile egos which limit and torture.
I have my own patterns and failings in relating therefore I appreciate those who bring them to my awareness, and I point to the dysfunctional patterns I see if I care for someone and believe they are capable and willing to deal with those things. In my world it is seen as a gift of love to shine a light on these things.
If you prefer to live in Lalaland and not be made aware of subconscious patters I will accept it but it will exclude you from being in my inner circle and world if you are new. In my world everything is about awareness, consciousness, respect, truth, honesty and growth – if you do not bring these to the table you have to keep it moving, simple.