My system now embraces that we have needs, and that some of them are better or only met with others. This no longer discomforts me or strikes fear into my heart, thankfully it has become something beautiful to be experienced, shared, received and celebrated in relating with beloveds and strangers alike. 

What still goes against the grain of some of my parts is neediness – the grasping, stickiness of its energetics and the undercurrent of self degradation that I sense in it. My avoidant protectors feel an instant ickiness at the proximity of such an energy, even more so when the grasping is directed towards my energy or being.

Thankfully I have clarity on what sets these parts off about neediness and how it is distinct from having needs:

First of all having needs does not make a person needy! 

There are many who, conditioned towards hyper-independence, cannot differentiate between having needs and being needy. And unfortunately suppress or deny their needs and don’t allow themselves to ask for support. Though I do not share that perspective and experience anymore I sure know it intimately and viscerally.

There is no weakness or lack in having a need or perceiving another as having needs, it is merely one facet of human expression in the moment. 

Needs are temporary, consistent or recurrent phenomena we all have to dance with in being embodied. They may shift and change, we may go through periods of being in need of more or less support – none of which defines our value or worthiness. The latter are innate and untouched by life experiences to my mystic’s consciousness. 

Neediness, in my current understanding, is a descriptor for an unskillful way someone expresses and attempts to get their needs met. While having a need is about a sensed, felt, experienced reality – it simply is and therefore is neither good nor bad.

We can express and bid for getting our needs met without ever coming close to being/vibrating neediness, in fact verbalizing of needs and requests for support can be incredibly empowered, admirable and magnetic no matter how vulnerable and tender it might feel to us. 

I welcome open communication of needs, wants and desires as it invites me onto an equal playing field of relating, where I get to inquire into my state of being resourced, my openness and willingness and my capacities to meet said needs, wants and desires or make a counter offer of what I can provide or alternatively express what I am not available for. 

That aligns with my vision of sovereign relating amongst equals, which is my explicit preference.

Neediness happens on a playing field of implicit inequality, assigning to the requesting the one-down position and the requested the one-up position. And it does not approach another with a straight-forward expression of a need and/or bid for support but comes at the other indirectly, often with unconscious and manipulative veneers of wanting to share or “give” to the approached. While there is a strong pulling on the energy of the approached, in some cases even an unconscious vampiristic attempt to utilize the other’s energy in balancing out a perceived lack. There are aspects of learned helplessness, victimhood, etc. which are all predicated on the person giving away their power and asking another to give it back to them, which of course is an impossibility.

I feel compassion for the predicament of living with this conditioning and trauma response, there is love in me for the being that meets me from that energy. And yet I will set very clear and unmovable boundaries with my protective parts, make my energy mercurially in-graspable, while being present with them from the detachment of the indifferent self. 

Essentially throwing them back to their own devices where they play hide and seek with themselves. Yet, wherever I am called to support them in facing their true, underlying need and meeting it in more skillful and honest ways, I will gladly be of service. 

I am just not available for the ‘song and dance of delusion’ their pattern creates for them and all who will step into the miasma of this distortion. My awareness, presence and energy are way too precious to me to invest, or waste, them in such a senseless way.

On the other side I love to meet straightforwardness and courageous expressions of needs with as much of a *yes* and support as I can muster. Reminding us that having needs is a natural and beautiful aspect of being human we share. And making a point of expressing and embodying that it is a privilege to be of service to them in this now, in order to see them soar and shine in the next. 

I happily embrace being a channel the universe uses to support another being, joyfully participating in waves of kindness, compassion and love that ripple and flow through our field of consciousness to the benefit and growth of All That Is.

Neediness is something I am no longer willing to engage with, even less so on its distorting playing field.

Photography: ‘Bad Breakup’ via Everett Collection

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Safety has for the longest time been on the forefront of my mind, though it referred to physical safety from potential harm through violence. But that attachment and focus born out of a protective hyper-vigilance ended years ago. Thankfully. 

Emotional safety was something I did not actively and consciously look for, as I had rarely experienced it consistently nor (un)consciously believed it could be a ‘normal’ to strive for. Predominantly experiencing emotionally volatile and often unsafe relating  had impressed on me the importance to get better at protecting myself, at taking hits, and fighting more effectively. Habituating me in time to facing high level of distorted and combative energies without even giving myself the opportunity of exiting or becoming skillful at averting them. Awareness of the cost of such energies to my mental and physical health and growing self compassion have motivated me to focus more on listening to my body’s feedback, and being gentle with myself and others while moving away from such dynamics. Yet having gone through countless experiences of unsafe emotional relating has had an interesting side-effect: the knowing that I can and will not only survive but also use it for my growth. 

My focus is not on emotional safety because I know from experience that disruptions are sometimes necessary to break me out of entrenched patterns and therefore gifts of healing and growth, when received appropriately. And I am aware what a privilege it is to be able to say that emotional safety is no longer the focal point of awareness to me. It also means that I have reclaimed enough internal balance, integration, and harmony to focus on more subtle and creative aspects of relating. 

These days my measure and focus for the kind of relating I desire to co-create, experience more, and which is my current growth edge, is sweetness. Sweetness, not in the sense of the saccharine artifice many mistake for it or try to present but as a quality arising within me in certain relational moments or in connections. 

Sweetness is a softness of spirit, fragrant and sweet to the heart and being, it symbolizes to me a drinking of ambrosia from my own cup. Sweetness can have incredibly healing, nourishing, grounding as well as liberating and inspiring effects on mind and body. There is a shimmering warmth and timeless quality to her. An experience of being without or few overlays of persona and conditioning, where spaciousness is equally present as is a sense of being held in (a welcome) containment. 

Sweetness is a state where oneness and being an individual co-exist in awareness. And from this awareness and fascinating embodied experience the self expression, energy, and needs of an ‘other’ are perceived with awe, embraced, and met in a spirit of loving generosity.

Being met with sweetness in another when I feel distress or dysregulated is still an incredibly magical and tangibly transformative experience to my system. Some aspects of me still need time and a slower pace to allow it in as the specters of facsimiles of sweetness and their poisonous sting are still very present to them. It is lovely to observe them allow it in with more and more trust, as they remember the delight they feel at being met by sweetness from the Self. It is one of the most precious gifts of love the Self offers aspects/parts/exiles/shadow. 

There is no judgement, hierarchy, or harshly contrasting duality in sweetness’ golden shimmering luminosity. Sweetness is a healing salve to wounds of separation (abandonment, rejection, neglect) and disablingly stuck emotions (shame, guilt, fear), a healing frequency emitting ceaselessly towards the inner tribe, an invitation to attune and thrive in the harmonious and joyful resonance it co-creates with them. 

Sweetness does not need the other to be a certain way, she might offer other perspective vantage points as a gift of her spaciousness and to support an easing of contractions and tensions held in the other. Sweetness is effortlessly giving with his warm conscious gaze and welcoming embrace to all that arises and is present. 

Sweetness embraces all things, knows them to to be the One in the many, and honors everything and its role in the unfolding of reality.

Sweetness is the gateway to novel relational co-creative explorations I am open and drawn towards in all relationships. A gateway to walking and exploring unknown lands as the trusting and playful golden children we truly are at heart. 

Safety is a given, when sweetness is present.

Photography: ‘Father and Son’  by Steve McCurry (1980)

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In the beginning of my non-monogamous journey I would spend endless hours with fellow adventurers trying to verbalize the nature of attraction I experienced with different people and the qualities of connection available with them. Ever since these early days I have observed and explored these further in encounters, engagements, and moments of relating that had the feel of meaningfulness. 

And I celebrate every new nuance or version I am experiencing. Appreciating the gift of novelty and variety life presents me in its unceasing generosity.

You become just one more thing screaming for attention; your attractiveness will pass unless you spark the more enduring kind of spell that makes people think of you in your absence. ~ Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

A Recent Experience

As I came across the above quote the mystery of a recently experienced attraction began to reveal more of its occult nature.

I had felt an intense attraction and feeling of peaceful and blissful alignment in meeting someone, inciting a desire for intimacy and connection. Which they only sparingly allowed for, never opening enough to allow me to feel truly connected and in flow with them. That masterfully played into and triggered old patterns created by neglect, rejection, and abandonment in my earliest years.

And I am aware that it is these inner dynamics that make walking away challenging, not the attraction or a deeper feeling of connection and fondness for the complex beauty of them. In reflecting and gently liberating myself from this ‘disconnect’ I am gaining awareness of subtle layers to the attraction that had drawn me into it.

Once I shone the light of awareness the faux overlay on reality aka projection, created by this pattern to keep me engaged, starts fading and makes the emptiness and potential for harm embedded in it visible to the mind. It no longer blinds me to their turning away from bids for connection or cold/frozen facial expressions (rejection), their self absorption and lack of regard for me as a sovereign being, the manipulative nature of their sparing expressions of care (control), their discomfort with emotions, repression of them, and the tell-tale oscillation between aloof numbness and powerless over-identification with emotions, resulting in victimhood and feelings of (misdirected) resentment. 

And as my internal glamour fades and wounded parts of me try to fervently to hold on to the illusion of connection, their system responds by revealing more of their coiling darkness through more starkness, coldness, absence (the opposite of presence in a spiritual sense), and the lack of attempts at kindness (end of manipulation). Until it eventually express in casual abject cruelty (feeling defeated and angry).

That being the final wake-up call alerting even my most delusional and wounded aspects to the fact that love is not available here, just more pain.

“One rarely falls in love without being as much attracted to what is interestingly wrong with someone as what is objectively healthy.” ― Alain de Botton

My mind is drawn back to the initial feeling of attraction, dissecting it, over and over, to lay bare its nature. Reminding me that to understand means to begin to transcend. To name means to disempower. To analyze its pattern means to know the weaknesses to be exploited in service of healing. Yet it leads to not much but the most superficial avail, this experience is born out of the subconscious, which the waking mind cannot enter nor ever truly know. It is awareness alone that can enter, illuminate, and transform unknown rooms within the palace of being.

As the relating was happening and I was mesmerized by trauma, I had wondered why this attraction never had the power of creating a gateway for love, and why it ceased to be present in the physical absence of them. A phenomenon that baffled me and yet managed to get lost in feelings of exhaustion and a need to reenergize after encounters. Why did I feel good in their company and only became aware of serious depletion after encounters? What malarky was at play here?

“I was always attracted not by some quantifiable, external beauty, but by something deep down, something absolute. Just as some people have a secret love for rainstorms, earthquakes, or blackouts, I liked that certain undefinable something directed my way by members of the opposite sex. For want of a better word, call it magnetism. Like it or not, it’s a kind of power that snares people and reels them in.” ― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun 

Attraction of Deprivation

There is a type of attraction that is more powerful and blinding than any other, one that pulls me under into the realm of unconsciousness and trauma. The entrancing toxicity of the sirens call of deprivation changes the state of mind and body, the familiar feel of one, who gladly withholds emotional flow and vulnerability, controls relating, and avoids intimacy is an embodied invitation to healing to me. A heady attraction meant to render all shortcomings in the other, dysfunctionalities of dynamics shared, and the poor way it makes me feel and show up – though visible and known, confoundingly inconsequential, i.e. until it has done its work and I have entered the process of awakening and liberating.

It has been a while since I have encountered this dark gem of an attraction, enough time to let me forget its pattern and nature to a degree that made me susceptible enough to its lure.

And it is the foundation of deprivation and its function as a blesson (lesson and blessing) that rendered this attraction incapable of rooting in love. The lack of emotional flow, which felt painful and confusing, was at the core of the blessing ensuring that extrication from this would be easy and gentle on my heart. After all it generally is the emotional bond that makes it hard for my heart to let go, in its absence my heart aches in a different and less harrowing way. It ached with the pain of exclusion, letting go of an illusion, anguish over the legacy of pain inflicted long ago, and the sadness about the abuse being visited on the one armoring and hardening their heart as well as others. 

The Hidden Seed 

But this time had something special, a spin if you like, to not only draw me in but make me stay long enough in the experience to dislodge and purge more of the old pain and confusion while seeding something unexpected. A little treasure hidden in midst of the murkiness, the seed of a lotus meant to grow and transmute this mud into beauty.

A ‘usual’ wound-mate or trauma bond would not have made me stay long enough in the encounter, a novelty had to be thrown into the mix to keep me coming back in curiosity and fascination with this unknown dimension of experience. 

And what could be more powerful than initiating the unlocking of a dimension of physical connectivity I have never experienced before. Not lust, not emotional connectivity, not spiritual highs but a clear and expansive sense of total physical safety and openness with another. Something that has almost an addictive quality to the parts of me, who lived thanks to early sexual abuse in an ongoing protective stance and vigilance until this encounter.

It is hard to let go of the first one feeling safe enough to let these guards down, open up, breathe, and open to pleasure as I have never before. To let go of the opportunity which allowed me to open up and play where the most painful abuse of innocence and pleasure had happened has been a feat for this wounded aspect of me. Especially as it did so without falling into the darkness of victimhood.

But this is a moment that speaks to the level of integration, loyalty and love in my tribe of selves. Their compassion and love for each other allows this wounded aspect to let go, trusting the guidance and love of the other selves who seek disconnection on the basis of self compassion and love. The other selves commiserate with the aspect and its feeling of loss, while being committed to creating new experiences of this flavor in healthier and more loving connections to come.

I sense the activation in this experience, the beginning of an unraveling of this aspect of my embodied experience. An opening of what had been contracted in fear and self protection for decades. An opening that allows awareness and mind to work in connecting these aspects with my core, the core that lives in indelible trust in and alignment with life. To strengthen inner reconnection and enlivening of what was once severed. 

Well played dear universe, I see what you did there!

“If you know how to make good use of the mud, you can grow beautiful lotuses.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

This is But a Beginning

I know there are many layers and blessings in this experience, much more than my mind can make sense of or put words to right now. As time goes by, and the transformative and expansive effects alchemically change my perceptions, more insights and revelations are sure to follow. This is one of the gifts that keep on giving when met with open-hearted awareness.

A new cycle of unlearning and learning has begun with the ending of this encounter. Walking away activated the process of rebirthing and reworking deep inside, it has summoned a network of beloveds to come closer and share in this journey, and opened the floodgates of love and emotional flow. It took a conscious choice to open wide, counter-instinctively, and intentionally create more present, vulnerable, and raw exchanges with beloveds, new connections, and random encounters. 

And I keep hearing my indifferent self remind me ‘what is wounded in relating, heals in relating’ whenever I feel like contracting. She is reminding me to choose flow over protection, authenticity over playing to social scripts, and heartfulness over cold intellectuality.

I am hearing the clear call of intuitive guidance as it directs me towards new adventures and experiences while awareness is redecorating and making some of the unknown rooms of my palace of being conscious. I shall joyfully follow the bread crumb trail of Soul and Self in our magical game of embodied mystic adventures.

I bow in gratitude and promise to keep opening myself to novel attractions. 

Art by Unknown

The post Alchemizing appeared first on Venuskind.

It has been an enchantingly romantic idea of my inner child that every relationship (familial, intimate, friends) and hurt can, and will, be reconciled, if you love each other and try hard enough. Of course life’s experience has proven that idea to be mostly unrealistic. 

Humans often prefer to gloss things over or fall into unhealthy bonded patterns of attempts of resolving it (aka fighting) without truly confronting the underlying issues and bringing about a true resolution that growth all parties. 

To effectively reconcile and heal a relationship takes more than forgiveness, which in itself is challenging enough, all parties need to drop their judgements, self-righteousness or self-deprecation, blaming or shaming, and find constructive ways of communicating and healing the dynamics, misunderstandings, hurts, and pain underlying it. Repairing the damage done to our trust and the relationship takes unflinching honesty with self and other, a capacity of confronting and owning our part in the dynamics that had part in the demise and the dedication to see the process through to its end without giving in to the egoic games of resistance and deflection. Otherwise resentments and dysfunctionalities will linger or worse fester in the underbelly of the relationship only to explode and cause more damage down the road.

Most of us say we want to work things out, and we probably do on a conscious level, yet in our subconscious we rarely wish to get too close to our shadow, wounds and mistaken beliefs that need to be addressed to truly do so. And so while we say one thing we will unconsciously, yet clearly, signal the other in our wording, actions or lack thereof that we are not fully committed to reconciling but slyly sidestepping it. Hello shadow play.

In my experience humans tend to act cowardly or aggressively when their actions or experiences have triggered deeply embedded patterns of shame or guilt. We would rather avoid, deny or rather gloss over whatever triggered those feelings than have to feel the pain of facing them. We try to bargain, deflect, distract or delude ourselves and others instead and thereby block the pathway to true reconciliation and freedom.

With all that said I am not generally averse to the idea and reality of reconciliation, awareness of its scope and cost does not make me shrink back from it, to the contrary. I am willing and committed to work on repairing my relationships and invest my time, energy and effort into those who are dear to me. And thankfully in closer relationships or with smaller issues it has become easier for me to overcome the resistances within to address and repair where damage has happened. Easier, not easy, mind you! 

When it comes to reconciling relationships that ended my few attempts at reconciliation were not very successful for lack of tools or lack of equal investment of the other. Which definitely added to the resistance and unwillingness I feel at the thought of it.

Observing the effects of trauma has taught me that ongoing unresolved and unaddressable issues in relationships put me in an intensifying state of stress and anxiety which eventually floods my system rendering it nigh impossible to attend to life in the way I want to. In my self love I chose to walk away from situations and relationships where resolution is not attenable and reclaim peace. Therefore I am extra cautious and wary of taking back people with whom I had such an experience.

Though my feelings towards reconciliations are rather reserved in view of the above there are a couple of connections and people from my past I would be open to reconcile with on some conditions. As I keep saying for nigh two decades my love may be unconditional but my relating is not. I am open to my relating evolving and being unconditional one day yet until then I shall honor my boundaries and conditions.

If someone came to me with a wish to reconcile I would surely listen to them, accept or give an apology, intuit their honesty and capacity to put in the necessary work, reflect on the value the relationship once held for me, feel into what the person means to me now and then decide if I choose to put my effort, time and energy into reconciliatory work. This is my choice, and my choice alone. The other cannot try to cajole, convince or negotiate in this otherwise they are expressing their disregard for my sovereignty. 

We either have a mutual, passionate and committed YES or all else will spell a NO in my book.

I give myself full permission to say lovingly no to an offer of reconciliation without any explanations or justifications and I honor and champion everyone else’s right to do the same. 

Photography: Jean Pierre Karenzi & Viviane Nyiramana by Pieter Hugo “Portraits of Reconciliation”

The post Reconciliation appeared first on Venuskind.

A confluence of new insights and knowing which created more internal cohesion, new spiritual tools and practices that enabled the healing of deep childhood traumas and more self loving choices on my part created a bountiful inner garden.

It is an awesome feeling to look back at a year and feel more than content with the work I accomplished and the freedom, joy and creative flow it allowed for.

What a change to the past 9 years that felt like an endless grind of cycles of painful losses, purging and disintegration to now experience the reclaiming of inner landscapes and seeing them bloom as I gain mastery of my selves and learn to embody my sovereignty in more and more areas of my life with clarity,  ease and flow.

Nothing beats this feeling of inner cohesion, joyful and creative interplay of selves after decades of inner conflicts and sabotaging.

And the cherry on the pie is the freeing of the relationship with my first love and healer from the pain, limitations and blockages past betrayals, disappointments and fears caused… welcome back Music, it has been too long! 

How is your spiritual gardening? 

What are the gifts this year brought to your life? 

Are your inner landscapes thriving and blooming? 

Which new seeds do you plan on seeding for the next cycle? 

Art: Arctic-Designs via DeviantArt

The post Spiritual Gardening appeared first on Venuskind.

• choose someone who calls all of gaia his home and longs to explore as much of her beauty and human expressions, cultures, life styles, architecture, art and life’s dance as he can.

• choose someone who brings joy, lightness and love to life as well as intelligence, equanimity, creativity and a heart that loves adventure and diversity.

• choose someone who has mastered practices of self reflection and meta perception of self as well as behavioral and thought patterns.

• choose someone you have the capacity to hold space for in the way they need it and who chooses to lean into it and grow.

• choose someone whose shadows play well with you, whose darkness cannot douse your love and joy with persistence or keep triggering you past the window of tolerance.

• choose someone who remembers you are not the abuser of his past when you gently point it out to his triggered self, someone who has a capability of effectively self soothing and calming his nervous system when triggered.

• choose someone who can sense, ask and receive support and help when he needs it or recognize the need when made aware of it.

• choose someone who loves himself and does not justify or rationalize patterns of unlove towards his heart, soul and body but works on deepening his self love.

• choose someone who would not think of outsourcing emotional labor, mood management and his mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing to anyone but himself.

• choose someone who sees himself as your equal and works effectively on releasing any beliefs and thoughts of being less than or not good enough.

• choose someone who supports you in stretching and becoming a more balanced and whole you.

• choose one who can challenge you and make you own your bullshit and receive the same gift of honesty and reflection.

• choose someone who has seen you in your darkest and can be with you lovingly without allowing your darkness to infringe on their wellbeing.

• choose someone who with compassion and discernment holds space as you remind your inner child they are not the one who hurt or abandoned you but one come to love you and walk by your side.

• choose someone who teaches you to love yourself fiercely and open your heart through all the fears and impulsive constrictions by their own example and love. 

• choose someone with erotic intelligence who is willing and playfully skilled at exploring vast pleasures to be elicited from our amazing bodies, spirits and hearts with you.

• choose someone who meets you in your passions, your fragility, your playfulness, your wisdom, your silliness, your love, your kindness, your sacredness, your radiance… your youness.

• choose someone you could easily live without but choose to be with because they evoke a unique melody from your heart which harmonizes enchantingly with his.

• choose someone whose eyes dance with sparks of the unknown and pull you into a blissful surrender to the eternal dance of lover and beloved.

Photograph by Erik Almås

The post Notes to Self – Choose Someone appeared first on Venuskind.

“Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.”                           ~ William P. Young

I am grateful for stumbling on the above quote because it opened the floodgates of what has been wordlessly percolating within me for weeks and finally allowed me to form words where there were mainly sensations and feelings.

Someone I loved fell short of love and acted in way that was hurtful and unacceptable to my being. Though I forgave them I chose to distance myself and later to embrace their choice of a cessation of our contact. 

Knowing that emotionally triggering situations can cloud my discernment as the ego is quite versed in using all sorts of wiles to make its unloving nonsense appear like a loving choice… I wondered if I had truly forgiven them or was unconsciously acting from old woundings.

On deeper inquiry I felt that I wasn’t acting from feeling hurt or ego but couldn’t make sense of the seemingly abrupt decision to end the connection with such finality.

Reading the words “When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established” ripped the veils of confusion: I had forgiven them yet I knew there was no true change and no hope of such change in a near future.

When another neither feels, senses, knows or is capable of reflecting what their wrongdoing was there is no realistic hope for change. And the last incident was merely the last straw that broke the camels back, I had experienced several confusing expressions of their limitations… the moment they made their issues not only into a passive aggressive jibe on social media but an elaborated exhibition of lachrymosity across several public posts I was thoroughly disabused of my predominantly positive perceptions of them.

There was no relationship of trust left. 

I do not choose to trust people who assign responsibility for their own feelings to others, I do not choose to  trust people who disrespect the privacy of our relating by posting about it publicly. 

Attempting to shame me by tagging me on said posts isn’t loving in my book either. That kind of emotional blackmail hasn’t worked on me for the past two decades. More malicious and expert players at this game have taught me too early and well to make me fall for this trap any longer.

“Forgiving you is my gift to you.                                                                    Moving on is my gift to myself.”                                                                    ~ Unknown

I harbor no resentment towards them, there is compassion and understanding in my heart for them as well as a crystal clear knowing they are not my kind of person after all. Which was disappointing and disillusioning but also insightful and eventually freeing. 

There are things I would do differently now thanks to the experiences I had. This shall inform future connections and other relationships and further gentle my responses with compassion even when they trigger core wounds.

I am grateful for the experiences I shared with them, the magic and beauty of connection, the catalytic effects I had on them and the lessons they taught me. In my mind our karmic contract has been fulfilled and paid in full. I wish them well wherever their path leads them. And I hope we are granted the grace of not crossing paths anymore unless our vibrations are truly aligned.

Integrity is one of my core values, therefore I am glad that I have been gentle and loving with myself while also vigilant that I do not entrap myself in darkness. 

As in all of life’s twists and turns, I remain a grateful, messy, learning, loving and playful work in progress.

Photography: Unknown

The post Forgiveness and Relating appeared first on Venuskind.

I sense for one an undertone of affirming separation (self vs. other) and on the other hand a strong potential to feed the christian martyr programming (selflessness, sacrificing yourself for the other). Both of which to me are unhelpful distortions of this matrix maximizing polarity and duality to the point of losing our inherent oneness out of sight. These undertones might of course be owed to the distortions of my experiences and lifetimes.

I decided to go on differentiating the two approaches to life as Service to Self and Service to SELF.

Whereby “self” stands for the limited, conditioned egoic sense of self and “SELF” represents our eternal undying essence, the divine spark and fractal of the One Source in which we are one with all existence.

This way of differentiating the two paths has more integrity to me as it underscores the Law of One and sidesteps the trap of “othering” and separation or getting lost in the illusion of dualities as contrasts, as well as feeding the unloving conditionings of self abandonment and lack of self love and care.

Furthermore it resonates with a rooting in the foundational principles of Oneness and an understanding that all things having arisen from the One Source and will eventually merge back into the One Source. 

When I chose a Service to SELF path I choose to live a life of caring for myself so I can show up everyday to serve all of existence to the best of my abilities and knowledge. To me that is more encompassing and resonant with a higher frequency of love than what the term Service to Other evokes in my mind, body, heart and spirit.

What do you think, sense and feel when reflecting on these terminologies?

What helps you come alive and shine your light brighter?

Whatever you call it I hope you choose a life of service to more than your egoic self, to your own benefit and the benefit of all!

Photograph: Little boy helps one-legged companion across street, Naples/ Italy, August 1944, by Lt. Wayne Miller

The post Terminology of Service to Self and Service to Other appeared first on Venuskind.

The spiritual path is not all love and light as most of us know from experience and others are about to find out — especially in the earlier stages of our awakening process. The joy of having found truth and meaning that resounds within our hearts is often accomplished with layers upon layers of disillusionment as the untruths of our lives become glaringly obvious and unavoidable.

One aspect we do not talk much about is how our individual spiritual practice and awakening affects our intimate relationships.

In my life, traveling to Bali and being brought back to life by its magical energy and the power of meditation and yoga has had a profound transformational effect on my intimate relationships by my choice and commitment.

Contemplating about my life made it very clear to me that I was unfulfilled and unhappy in my life and relationships, no matter how much I loved my then partners. And I had a clear intuition that I needed to be single to be able to focus on my inner work and healing and not use my partners as an excuse and distraction from it.

After spending a third of my life with my longterm partner it was quite a surprising and rewarding adventure to reacquaint myself with myself in a non-coupled and non-other-pleasing-state. 

That is when a deepening of my journey into introspection, spiritual practice, self knowledge and self love took off.

I met amazing men on this journey whom I am honored to call brothers and friends, who have allowed me to see through their eyes, partake in their perceptions of life and relating in novel and insightful ways. Which is saying a lot because I had pretty amazing poly partners and friends with whom I had been having deep ongoing exchanges on the male experience, relationships, sexuality, communication and more. Later I would see that my poly friends were very versed in relationship, communication sciences, reflective, knowledgable about their emotions and psyche  though not as connected with their hearts, spirit and energetic aspects as my spiritual friends were who in turn were often lacking in the strengths of my poly brethren.

7 years of single life with fluctuating, changing and shifting attitudes towards intimate relationships, sexuality and men as conditionings and programming on gender, relationships, sexuality and romanticism were dismantled. Years of magical encounters turning into friendships, playful moments of connection which had a defined ending date by virtue of travel schedules, beautiful connections that felt like they could be my next longterm relationship but turned sour, etc., all of which came to me as teachers and catalysts on my healing path.

I realized it would be hard to meet someone and build a relationship worthy of my energy and time while I was traveling without and within. When you are constantly falling apart and pulling yourself together in a new form, oscillating through your days and weeks it is hard to keep up a connection unless it is of the lightest and non-attached kinds. 

What is more I was working my way through healing many of the relational traumas of this life, my ancestral line and karmic accumulated burdens in intimate relating. I know, I chose to incarnate into this life to clear all of this and other darkness surrounding my entry into this body.

While going through my healing and integration work I recognized quite a few narratives that are distortions of the collective conditioning we share and which sadly reverberate in the New (C)age community.

“We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Why does the New Age still hold people hostage to ideas of heteronormativity conveniently treating the energetic gender principle as if it was the conditioned matrix gender? I dislike using the terms like “divine/inner feminine” or “divine/inner masculine” because so many cannot read it without the toxic matrix conditioning of gender. Often I will choose to say yin or yang because with those terms people get that this is describing types of energy signatures and not human traits. But this is a rant for another time.

Why do so few spiritual teachers talk about the fluidity of our paths and the changes we go through in this life? Why uphold the monogamous ideal of having just one partner or staying with them for a lifetime as the ultimate ideal? I cannot help but see in it unreflected Judeo-Christian religious programming in need of elevation by the law of one and spiritual teachings like the hermetic principles for a higher and less distorted perception of reality. 

Humans do change and evolve, rigid relational systems that do not allow for the change and expansion of the people in it or at least offer tools to help them relate and overcome times of dissonance are not aligned with our reality. To uphold narrow definitions and ideals of monogamy and glorification of duration of a relationship is to create a matrix of suffering for others.

Don’t get me wrong I have no attachment to any relationship style or configuration as being better or higher, my vision is to see every human to be free to choose, live and thrive in consensual, loving and expansive relationships or not.

And what is especially painful, yet a reality many have faced is when our growth paces are no longer aligned and we do not find ways to bridge the ever growing gap between us. There is no “one dogma fits all” in this. Everyone has to assess if staying with their partner or moving on is the right thing for their soul and the souls of their children. Discerning if the gap and dissonance of vibrating on different levels is just an interim phenomenon or the sign of a more permanent misalignment is impossible for the mind. These deep levels of discernment necessitate us to connect with the wisdom of our bodies and the guidance of our higher selves. These conversations and contemplations take time and cannot be rushed nor should we feel bad about the time we stayed although we knew it wasn’t serving us.

Sometimes staying serves us complete a cycle of healing or integration we might not be aware of but we will know when the time to move on has come, the clear alignment of all our parts in telling us to go. And man, it is scary to leave the security of the familiar to step into the unknown! 

But there is no alternative to stepping repeatedly into the void, the unknown, if growth and service to Life/Source/the divine is our goal.

“I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other.” ~Virginia Satir

My wish for us to create ways of connecting and relating intimately with each other without a need to own, limit or encase ourselves in constructs of the mind arises from my fundamental values of love, sovereignty, honesty and freedom.

My dream would be to live in a world or community of beings who have let go of the tyranny of religious and cultural constructs to explore, live and learn from their individual embodied soul expression with utmost love, curiosity and care for each other. 

Living in a consciousness and value system which honors loving relationships, regardless of their duration, constellations and type. 

Capable of Un-coupling when our paths are diverting, honoring the beloved teacher and divine in the other as we accept the completion and fulfillment of our union in this now.

Meeting each other in our sovereignty and loving one other without reserve, not just as long as our relationships last, but for eternity.

Letting it be love for Self in us and the other which works on bridging gaps between us or moving apart, whatever is intuitively right in the now.

Letting us drop the negativity and fear based programming around sexuality and learning to approach and enjoy our sexuality with playful, creative, passionate and sacred awe.

Learning to merge our energies on many different levels of our being and taste the diverse flavors of uniting Self with Self with love and in ever new and joyful ways.

A collective of sovereign, loving and powerful creators immersed in a joyful and passionate dance of love exploring itself.

My insights and reflections won’t necessary align with yours as we may have different incarnational trajectories, missions and soul paths chosen for this life… only you know your path and what is right for you. This is simply a sharing and invitation for reflection and exchange.

Art: Dreams of Scorpion Heart by Cameron Grey

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That is what I do when “doing nothing” and being quiet.

~ 27.07.2012

Art: Reptile Queen by Alexéy Kashpersky

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