Safety has for the longest time been on the forefront of my mind, though it referred to physical safety from potential harm through violence. But that attachment and focus born out of a protective hyper-vigilance ended years ago. Thankfully. 

Emotional safety was something I did not actively and consciously look for, as I had rarely experienced it consistently nor (un)consciously believed it could be a ‘normal’ to strive for. Predominantly experiencing emotionally volatile and often unsafe relating  had impressed on me the importance to get better at protecting myself, at taking hits, and fighting more effectively. Habituating me in time to facing high level of distorted and combative energies without even giving myself the opportunity of exiting or becoming skillful at averting them. Awareness of the cost of such energies to my mental and physical health and growing self compassion have motivated me to focus more on listening to my body’s feedback, and being gentle with myself and others while moving away from such dynamics. Yet having gone through countless experiences of unsafe emotional relating has had an interesting side-effect: the knowing that I can and will not only survive but also use it for my growth. 

My focus is not on emotional safety because I know from experience that disruptions are sometimes necessary to break me out of entrenched patterns and therefore gifts of healing and growth, when received appropriately. And I am aware what a privilege it is to be able to say that emotional safety is no longer the focal point of awareness to me. It also means that I have reclaimed enough internal balance, integration, and harmony to focus on more subtle and creative aspects of relating. 

These days my measure and focus for the kind of relating I desire to co-create, experience more, and which is my current growth edge, is sweetness. Sweetness, not in the sense of the saccharine artifice many mistake for it or try to present but as a quality arising within me in certain relational moments or in connections. 

Sweetness is a softness of spirit, fragrant and sweet to the heart and being, it symbolizes to me a drinking of ambrosia from my own cup. Sweetness can have incredibly healing, nourishing, grounding as well as liberating and inspiring effects on mind and body. There is a shimmering warmth and timeless quality to her. An experience of being without or few overlays of persona and conditioning, where spaciousness is equally present as is a sense of being held in (a welcome) containment. 

Sweetness is a state where oneness and being an individual co-exist in awareness. And from this awareness and fascinating embodied experience the self expression, energy, and needs of an ‘other’ are perceived with awe, embraced, and met in a spirit of loving generosity.

Being met with sweetness in another when I feel distress or dysregulated is still an incredibly magical and tangibly transformative experience to my system. Some aspects of me still need time and a slower pace to allow it in as the specters of facsimiles of sweetness and their poisonous sting are still very present to them. It is lovely to observe them allow it in with more and more trust, as they remember the delight they feel at being met by sweetness from the Self. It is one of the most precious gifts of love the Self offers aspects/parts/exiles/shadow. 

There is no judgement, hierarchy, or harshly contrasting duality in sweetness’ golden shimmering luminosity. Sweetness is a healing salve to wounds of separation (abandonment, rejection, neglect) and disablingly stuck emotions (shame, guilt, fear), a healing frequency emitting ceaselessly towards the inner tribe, an invitation to attune and thrive in the harmonious and joyful resonance it co-creates with them. 

Sweetness does not need the other to be a certain way, she might offer other perspective vantage points as a gift of her spaciousness and to support an easing of contractions and tensions held in the other. Sweetness is effortlessly giving with his warm conscious gaze and welcoming embrace to all that arises and is present. 

Sweetness embraces all things, knows them to to be the One in the many, and honors everything and its role in the unfolding of reality.

Sweetness is the gateway to novel relational co-creative explorations I am open and drawn towards in all relationships. A gateway to walking and exploring unknown lands as the trusting and playful golden children we truly are at heart. 

Safety is a given, when sweetness is present.

Photography: ‘Father and Son’  by Steve McCurry (1980)

The post From Safety to Sweetness appeared first on Venuskind.

I am becoming gratefully aware how blessed I have been in my life to have preserved and protected the fertility of my inner landscapes and to be surrounded with glorious gardeners of their inner scapes. Not only glorious in their landscaping but also as knowledgable guides and co-adventurers in exploring their and my inner world. 

Thankful for friends, soul kin, and select family members, who generously shared of themselves and their rich inner lives and magical lands. For loving beings generous in their heart’s flow of emotional and affective energy, who express words of affirmation and appreciation with ease and grace.

Living in this abundance and free-flow blinded me to the degree of importance and value which words of affirmation and an unencumbered flow of emotional energy, self revelations, and sharing hold for my wellbeing. And it is in their absence or stark limitation that I realized more about my state and deeper needs for emotional fulfillment and wellbeing.

Holding space for an ever expanding silence in relating, for cumulating reductions or cessation of emotional flow, I experimented with my nervous system and its ability to adapt to a state that was akin to what wounded the child I once was. And to my delight I realized that I can handle this silence, which once would have triggered abject existential fears of abandonment, and be with myself with love and nurturance. An unexpectedly great opportunity to teach my inner child that I am stronger and more capable today and no longer need to fear these experiences.

Once these lessons were learned and the child adapted to this new self state my thoughts turned to the question if I am willing to be in relationships with a minimal and controlled flow of emotional and verbal connection.

I could balance the lack by anchoring deeper into inner abundant flows and by releasing the wish for another to share the opulence and abundance I have cultivated and am habituated to share. It could be an interesting way of relating that may show me colors and textures never gleaned before, which would be a lovely gift.

Inquiring into my heart I felt a deep sadness and feeling of lack which drained it from being the vibrant and joyful portal it usually is. Making it clear that my heart NEEDS to be in a free flow of emotional, spiritual , physical and mental energy to feel balanced and thrive. It has lived through so much neglect and scarcity in the first half of my life that it doesn’t deserve to enter that field of suffering again. My heart deserves to thrive in the love and flow we have created within and cultivated with other aligned souls.

I am very protective of the wounded aspects in me after having unconsciously abandoned them for way too long. I promised myself to be a loving mother, father, protector and guide to all of myself, no matter how hard it may be or how others might feel about it. I will no longer abandon or neglect myself for another’s comfort or wellbeing.

Sadly there are barren landscapes in others, forbidding and reduced to stark rock and ice formations, which induce in me a deep sadness at the intensity of isolation and painful feelings of coldness. They may be not of their (conscious) making yet these can be weaponized and deployed against others who ‘dare’ to seek connection, intimacy or closeness. And regardless if these patterns play out consciously or unconscious they rarely miss their mark and hurt an open heart, especially one that has been traumatized with the same tools of unlove in its early years.

No matter how much I love you I will not allow my heart to be cut by your unconscious icy landscapes, which is why I will boundary up and step away from engaging. 

Like our wise green blooded kin, I shall turn towards sunshine, towards warmth and everything life-affirming. I will joyfully thank you for redirecting me and turn my awareness and energy towards connections rich and juicy with aliveness, flow, affection, transparency, and consciousness. There is no need to dabble in scarcity or impoverished life-averse spaces when lushness and abundance are what I bring to the table and  what my heart desires.

I bow in gratitude to life, the great guru, for illuminating another subtle dark layer in the subconscious and for gifting me corrective experiences to cultivate embodied knowing.

Art: ‘Let’s Dance With The Dark’ by kelogsloops

The post Choosing Flow appeared first on Venuskind.

I am fascinated how hard it is for the tender and longing aspect in me to let go of the hope that existing connections can change and take a form that is mutually nurturing and expansive. The naive rationale that where there is sympathy or love there has to be a way of connecting deeper and finding the flow that nourishes and makes our hearts come alive. I have sat in contemplation of what it is that keeps our repetition compulsion going when our behavioral patterns never bring about the desired or needed outcome. How young and vulnerable these aspects within are that engage with life from the limited and magical thinking of a young child.

Teaching this aspect that the connection, flow and love it seeks is already available in my life, even if not in the connection it is focused on. Learning to redirect her focus on where love and affection are always available and flowing, making her realize that she no longer lives in scarcity and can let go of the grasping pattern. Showing her that focusing and fully opening to and engaging in the connections that naturally and effortlessly take to depths and heights more than fills all our cups of love, wellbeing, and joy. No need to make other connections be anything else than what they naturally are.

One of the most challenging lessons is teaching these young and tender aspects within to let go of their grasping, their asking for reality to change, for others to be different to who they really are instead of accepting reality as it presents and finding creative ways to fulfill needs and find joy in circumstances as they are. On a mental and cognitive dimension this is a simple thing to understand but the emotional and physical are slow to embrace changes in perception. Maybe this is the reason why it takes long and repeat periods in the ‘hanged man’ position, to speak once again in tarot, for us to shift out of old survival or adaptive patterns. There is something to these periods of suspension in the in-between that works on the subconscious and emotional body in healing and integrative ways.

Nothing compares to the massive feeling of relief and peace that take hold when said aspects embrace reality as it is and find they not only survive in doing so but begin to live and thrive for it. Even though it is accompanied with a depth of grief that may surprise and challenge us to be present and gentle with ourselves as it makes itself felt and known. Yes, there is a deep sadness, a feeling of loss and deprivation that wants to be felt as a message from years long gone and a self not allowing and capable of feeling these truths of experience.

When my adult eyes and mind surveyed my connections from this new inner state of healing I was able to let go of connections, which used to trigger this aspect in me as they ‘starved’ me emotionally for various and individual reasons. I let them go in love and gratitude for showing up in my experience as teachers and healing lessons and with wishes of goodness and blessings to them. 

Similar to the hopeful self-torture of keeping clothes that no longer fit our bodies in our closets as ‘motivation’, my subconscious patterns kept connections in my experience which were not aligned with my being. Now I could see the connections in their emptiness, their anachronism, and incompatibility with effortless clarity and no longer felt a need to stay connected.

Disconnecting and moving on brought on a feeling of ‘rightness’ or better alignment and flow into my experience of my relational field. Though not all connections that remained are connections at the depth of bonding and flow I prefer, they all feel good and aligned with me as they are. 

I celebrate depth where it is available and everywhere else I show up in a mirror of the depth, presence, affection, and care or from whatever level my authenticity wants to engage with them.

Instead of unconsciously trying to futilely deepen connections beyond their natural capacity and form, I consciously accept them for what they are from wholeness and emotional abundance within. Given my acceptance of the reality that what my heart seeks may be rare and not available in relating with the majority of people, I am even more appreciative, grateful, protective and nurturing of the connections which show up in said form.

I remain open to more beings meeting me in the depths and heights of heart and consciousness and the possibility of shared magical and transcendent explorations and experiences. Committed to compassion and acceptance with all the other relations which lack the glitter of stardust and droplets of the water of life.

And I bow to life as it unfolds in it multidimensional form, to the breadth of experiences available to us on our planet, and to the ability of consciousness to direct our path through this wild, magical and messy playground.

I bow in gratitude to the lessons that taught me the sweetness of yielding to life.

Art: Blanc Arctique by Sophie Wilkins 

The post The Unmet Yielding into Wholeness appeared first on Venuskind.

These are some of my reflections at the end of this adventure in humaning.

Men of my age and older

Having been surrounded for more than a decade by very aware, caring and spiritual people has upped all my baselines for communicating and relating. And engaging with mainstream ‘normal’ men gained a surreal retro feel thanks to the evolution and growth shared in various communities. I caught myself over and over in surprised and speechless moments of “People are still doing this and not aware enough to see it for what it is and change or grow?”

Habituated to fellow growth-minded people the slow pace of progression and learning in others, coupled with an unadulterated and unapologetic rigidity in holding on to dysfunction felt not only alien but put me off, even if the man had other good qualities.

A history of immersion in psychology, communication sciences and being part of the polyamory community has taught me early on about communication, consideration and respect for another’s needs and feelings. So much so that it has become second nature and my world is primarily populated with people who are eloquent practitioners of it. Therefore the disjointed communication styles, absence of consideration of my needs and feelings, unabashed egocentricity, unconscious mind games, ego tantrums and other manipulative attempts felt jarring and alienating. And I realized these block communicating and relating so much that even the most basic levels of these are repeatedly or permanently unavailable with these men. Though the reasons for said blockages are amalgamated by individual unaddressed patterning and wounding the general dynamic was quite repetitive.

Overall I observed the immensity of emotional and spiritual poverty rampant in men of my age, the ways they try to compensate or flee it (sex, status, money, etc.) and the suffering, fragility and loneliness underneath all their striving or posturing as they have achieved enough of their goals to be confronted with their fecklessness in the face of the hole within they tried to fill with them.
I am saddened by how few of them are courageous and willing enough to face their shadow and integrate it now. Too many messages and conversations had men acknowledge that they probably should address this or that and then giving me rationalizations and excuses why they won’t just now or ever. Of course change and healing is impossible, shouldn’t I know?

With men who are spiritual and have their own self work journey the fault lines lie along similar lines though in a more tempered and less obvious way. They also strive and posture by displaying their spiritual practices, jobs, achievements – the more integrated have a humorous awareness of it when pointed to it while others will react with the same fragility to be found in other men. I cannot help but see a lack of decisive actions and investment in things of value due to the ease of being distracted or too sluggish to leave the (spiritual) comfort zone. A lack of ability to slay the Buddha on the path and progress beyond on the one hand and the inability or unwillingness to marry spirituality with the mundane on the other.

Conditioning is truly strong and finds ways to operate in new ways along old lines, the spiritualized ego is just one of the more visible ways this shows itself. If we do not keep alert, sharpening our awareness and consciousness our human affinity for comfort and consistency will limit our progress and insert unhealthy stagnation and calcification. A valuable reminder to be honored.

Power differentials

The most fascinating experience I made for the first time in this intensity and across all encounters is a dynamic power differential which put me in the stronger position without any intent or effort on my side.
All the disappointments, heartbreaks, and subsequent ongoing self work that emotional unfulfilment has brought into my experience has blossomed and is bearing a magical fruit. Said fruit is twofold as it manifests as the ability to fill my own cup by having a variety of ways and flexibility to fulfill my needs independent of a singular other. Sitting alone and dropping inside already washes away all burdens, worries, and needs in the luminosity of presence and equanimity. Taking full responsibility for my experience has grown and transcended me beyond the strangling grip of trauma and conditioning into a state of compassionate self love that allows me to navigate life with awareness, trust, playfulness and inner strength.
The second manifestation is the curated life I have been slowly building from the inside out, rich in connections and relationships that can nurture me more than *enough* and which evolve and grow steadily and healthily. When filling my cup internally or from Spirit doesn’t quite hit the point there are cherished friends and acquaintances who will do it. And often it takes only a word or sentence here, a hug, moments of shared laughter or commiseration. Even little things are superfoods to my heart and Soul in this web of love that lights up around and in me.

Having worked on my childhood trauma and with my sexual desires and energy has shifted my relationship with sex in ways I haven’t had a chance of being so acutely aware of in the absence of viable sex partners. I realized that the past years had taught me to transform the dense, sharp, burning imminence of sexual desire into other forms of energy in service of my spiritual practice or into a gentle, encompassing, warm, expansive erotic energy that is more akin to a wide flowing river than the intensity of burning fiery sexual need. My urges no longer hijack or control my being, I can feel, sense and take pleasure in them without having to act on them right here and now, frustration, or loss of the energy. There is no enslavement nor opposition to sexual desires, just an allowing, awareness and loving intentional engagement. Which is very different to the way it dominated and drove the decisions and action of the men I encountered, even the spiritual with a few exceptions (true tantric practitioners). This dominating drive was often the reason why connection was impossible as their system had concept of relating and connecting outside of sex. Not only a mental poverty but also a terrible pattern of starving the emotional body.

I enter every encounter as a whole being open to new experiences, cognizant of the goodness and abundance of life, while these men act from mindsets built on scarcity, competition, domination and neediness. A power differential asserts itself as I am less driven than them, moving at the pace of my awareness and intuition, my desires for the encounter being for it to be respectful, kind, and interesting/expansive. While on the other side they are under pressure to fulfill their burning needs and desires for ‘the one,’ sex, admiration, alleviation of loneliness, filling the emptiness in their life, etc. The exception being that spiritual guys have less of a pressure and more of a desire and the best of them meeting me in a similar openness to mine.

This calls for extra mindfulness and compassion in my words and actions in order not to enter into the dysfunctional patterns this power difference might invite and to be kind and caring towards the tender aspects of the man. Gifts always come with new responsibilities to keep relating balanced and fair.

Take away for me

All the work to disempower and dismantle romantic conditioning and be more spacious about relating and loving has changed how I perceive relationships, my visions and needs in relating with an intimate partner or friend, and lastly me. I can smile at my inner romantic when she starts going off creating Hollywood movies in her future projections, and still stay anchored in awareness and act from my higher senses and mind.
No longer a slave to these narratives by blindly following them nor by rebelling against them, I have learned to allow life to write an authentic and healthier narrative into every encounter with potential while practicing detachment from outcomes and surrender to the way life unfolds.

And so here I am in a state of awe of the wholeness this path has gifted me. Grateful for the expansion of my awareness, the learning of skills that help me navigate challenging feelings and pains of the past with tender compassion and firmness in service of the wellbeing of all. Grateful for the lessoning of the selfishness and self absorption of the ego which used to blind me to the needs, wants, desires, and feelings of others in the pursuit of my emotional fulfillment. Thankful for leaning into interdependence, allowing vulnerability, honesty and tenderness to strip me to my essential nature and truths in the face of worthy beloveds, learning and practicing how to keep filling another’s cup while keeping mine full *enough*.

I bow in gratitude for my teachers in the past months for the insights and learning they co-created with me. Grateful for them helping me realize that companionship and friendship are fundamental to me and my vision of an evolutionary and fulfilling relationship and that many fail to meet the basic skills and awareness needed for that starting point, let alone the evolutionary trajectory I see as intrinsic to my life and loving. Grateful for making me realize how unique and special a man has to be to co-create a relationship and life with me that would be worthwhile to surrender my aloneness for. Laying the foundation for the proper appreciation and gratitude for the one that will take this role in times to come. Grateful for making me more committed to my path and consciousness work to avoid the pitfalls of conditioning, rigidity, and stagnation which render us lifeless.
Hoping from the bottom of my heart that our encounter was in some little way enriching and nourishing to them and that their Soul flourishes and delights along the path she choose.

Last but not least I bow in gratitude and awe to Life/Self/Source for the playfulness, love, creativity, care, and challenges they pepper my life experience with. And for the blessed and indomitable knowing that what is mine will never pass me by!

Photography Karen Williams by Paul Innis

The post Online Dating appeared first on Venuskind.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand
and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn…
With every goodbye, you learn.

~ Veronica Shoffstall

We all grow up with countless narratives on the pain, devastation, and overwhelm we can feel after a break up. Countless movies, songs, and books have colored our collective consciousness for centuries and millennia.

With the commitment to my spiritual journey, ongoing practices as well as psycho-spiritual integration work the nature of break ups has slowly begun to shift for me.

Prior to that a break up would ‘shred my heart’ and trigger a ceaseless storm of emotions in my being which ranged from abandonment, unlovability, and grief to anger, disappointment, and at times even disgust. Months of my lifetime would be absorbed by this inner turmoil and diminish my inner fire and life energy. All of which neatly follows our collective expectations and conditioning.

With the beginning of my journey I realized that the duration of this state pretty quickly dropped from several months to weeks. And with the focus on self love and my relationship with Source and Self the intensity of above mentioned emotions began to lessen tangibly. In the moment of a break up the thought of it happening in service of my growth and wellbeing was more and more present. While my inner tribe told the wounded parts that the one who was leaving my life was making place for someone who would be better aligned and more loving.

But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved like you never have known
The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
But someday you will be loved

~ Death Cab for Cutie, Someday You Will Be Loved

In all of these years past I thought it would become easier to navigate break ups and the pain they caused me but not once did I imagine it to be possible to experience a break up and not feel pain. Why did the possibility never cross my mind? Because the belief that parting is painful is very deeply entrained, so deeply that I could not even conceptualize a reality where pain is not part of the picture. Looking back it saddens me how blinded my mind was to this whole new range of experiences which opened up for me a year ago.

On reflection I feel it is a deepening in surrender to Self-leadership and Soul guidance as well as trust in the benevolence of Source and life which allowed this shift to express through my being. And addressing codependency and enmeshment patterns in myself released a lot of the unhealthy attachments to past pains and misbegotten beliefs, which were at the root of the pain and turmoil I felt whenever I broke up with someone or a friendship ended.

I find myself strongly rooted in the knowing that what is mine to have will not miss me or be taken from me and that all that can be taken or end was not mine to keep. My hands which used to be sticky and grasping in their unconscious service to enmeshment and codependency, have been cleaned and opened up by knowing and devotion, only lightly hold what is given to me. Always ready to let everything go when their time has come. Trusting that they shall be replaced with more beautiful and enchanting things, people, feelings, places, or beliefs.

Now a parting is colored by the overflowing of gratitude for the times we had, the beauty and joy co-created, and trust in the wisdom of consciousness which is leading us in different directions. Even if my human dislikes certain behaviors of the other in parting, she doesn’t linger on those but follows the lead of the heart into gratitude and the lead of spirit into the field of infinite possibilities opening at this point of parting.

My latest experience of a breakup felt eerily equanimous verging on joyful.

There were no feelings of loss, anger, or disappointment but feelings of awe for the beauty of the experiences had, the lessons learned, and gratitude. Gratitude that there is more that life has in store for me as I integrate the insights and lessons and that I do not have to settle for less than the dream which is alive in me.

Of course I am cognizant of the shortcomings in him and myself, as well as the aspects that render us incompatible, nonetheless my focus lies intentionally on what was great, special, or exceptional. I can appreciate the poet, and the joy of being loved in my own love language, the delight to delve into the bliss of presence with another. And I can see the aspects of myself that need healing and discipline in order to prevent them from overriding my integrity. My internal self work focus lies on the aspects of my being which enabled, attracted, and were meant to be illuminated by this experience in their need for balance and/or growth.

I woke the next morning with sunshine in my heart and being to a day filled with synchronicities, serendipity, and abundance of love. And that is how it remained. This is what it feels like to part ways when I am more fully integrated and aligned than I ever was: Easeful, grateful, compassionate, appreciative, loving, and light.

Who knows maybe this was available all along?
And maybe it is time to write new narratives about breakups?
It sure is for me.
So why not for you?

I am sure there are many beautiful experiences of breakups out there…
Please feel free to share yours and make them more visible and accessible as a seed of hope and change for others!

Photography by Unknown

The post Changing the Narrative on Break Ups appeared first on Venuskind.

I am naturally generous

I love giving and sharing what is mine to share, there is no joy for me in hoarding things while another could make good use of them to enhance their experience and joy.
As I have gone through several cycles of lessons with takers, selfish people, and abusers which are never far from generous people, there are clear and non-negotiable boundaries to my giving. You might not sense them or come against them until I sense a lack in adequate reciprocation, a sense of entitlement to what is mine, taking me for granted, or trying to play games. Then, depending on the degree of seriousness, you will see the boundary illuminating my generous self in a way that reveals my warrior heart underneath it or make you taste some medicine.

I take full responsibility for my life

In the beginning many enjoy this as novel and intriguing as it takes expectations and coercions, which are normalized in relationships, off the table in engaging with me. Especially selfish/player types feels like they can get away with more or dupe me.
Though I do not expect others to share my beliefs and lifestyle, their choices do define if and where they may or may not fit into my experience. Living from a perceptive vantage point running contrary to common culture creates a need to keep a close eye on the energy of those close to me and my circles in general. Which means that I will keep stepping back from someone, who does not embody responsibility for their life, until the distance makes it feasible to have that person in my life. Which also translates as getting less and less of my energy, attention, and time until I eventually move on and end the connection.

Integrity is key to my life path

I am held to learning about and living from integrity in this life.
And having circled a few times around the sun while learning lessons on integrity from master manipulators, intimate betrayals, and more from the narcissistic playbook, I have functional boundaries and best practices in place even if they are not initially visible.
Generally I prefer to disconnect from anyone consciously choosing to walk a path lacking in integrity. Mind you, not because it is inherently evil but because I had my fill of experiences based in the shadow aspects of integrity and now intend to learn from the light aspects for a change.
The point of discernment if someone stays or goes is how they engage with their current lack of integrity. Are they struggling with it and doing their best to grow and move into integrity? Are they smug or in total denial of it? Does their ego feign incompetence and victimhood in order not to be held accountable and responsible to change?
Expect less leeway if our dynamic has veered me away from my integrity. I will put my whole effort into getting back into integrity, once done, the gaze on you will be compassionate but the steel of my commitment to integrity will stand against you and keep you at a distance appropriate to energies which are not conducive to my purpose. I might move slow, for my own benefit, but once I decide to move there is no turning back.

Learning, growth and wisdom are key to my life path

Whatever supports me in learning is welcome, even if painful in nature. Whatever stands in the way of my growth, holds me back, or slows me down by trying (non-consensually) to ride my coat tails is not welcome and will be dealt with swiftly and unapologetically.
I do not take kindly to things which stand in the way of my learning, regardless if they are internal/external or positive/negative. At best I take them as a playful challenge to work/grow around and leave behind, at worst I take them as something asking for my Taurean horns and power.
Don’t play yourself and think that someone who will ruthlessly root out even beloved patterns within her will be swayed by your cuteness or a shared history. Everything is fair game if it stubbornly takes the form of an obstruction.

I choose to surround myself with people I love, admire, and learn with

I understand how surrounding energies subtly yet profoundly influence us, which is why I am very clear on which energies I accept in my inner/outer circles, and which will block access to my life.
My life has thankfully been blessed with connections of immeasurable value next to the wild mix of contrast it offers. And I am not speaking of celebrity status or money but of true value gained and cultivated by hard work across lifetimes, gifts, energetic frequencies, and showing up consistently with qualities of wisdom, kindness, love, joy, playfulness, insightfulness in the face of life’s adversities and pleasures equally.
I have no interest in being surrounded by people who are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually lazy or complacent in their deliberate ignorances, though theirs is an equally valid way of ‘doing human’ to me.
I am only mildly interested in those who chose lives of self-destructivity or self-sabotage, regardless if they do it in what is deemed a glamorous or destitute way.
My interests firmly lie with those who chose specific types of excellence that speak to my soul and consciousness, those who silently and persistently work towards inner mastery and service to the All from higher consciousness not their ‘pain body.’ Everything else is at best an entertaining and at worst a background noise to be silenced.

I am loyal

I am fiercely loyal to my friends, will stand by their side and in front of them if necessary. My friends are what family is to others, they are my family of choice, family of spirit, and soul family. It takes a lot to make me walk away from a long standing friendship or relationship!
As long as you walk in integrity, honest, accountability — read as trustworthiness — we are golden. If you should fall out of these, for more than a short while, I will support you in your journey and growth of reclaiming them should you ask me to and show sincere effort.
But if you show lack of trustworthiness, avoid contact though I reach out repeatedly, become disrespectful of my time, energy and person I will move on in a heartbeat. And no, I will not first talk to you about it as from my vantage point we are no longer treading common ground.

I am playful but I do not play

Don’t mistake my lightheartedness and playfulness for a lack of seriousness or grit. I can step at any given moment into full warrior mode and use my swords of truth and intuition to cut through smoke screens, lies, games, and other BS. Which is a fun exercise to me really and no hardship. Invite me and you will get a taste of its glorious joyful flow or the bite of said blades revealing truths and falsities, depending on where you stand.

I will not hurt you intentionally

No longer am I wasting my energy on illusions of retaliation, no longer do my wounded parts get to avenge themselves for a painful past on the current protagonists.
My shadow and darkness are allowed to express internally but rarely allowed to come out and play in the old ways. And as they have come to accept the truth that Karma knows to make you pay justly in a currency that is dear to you, I have become good at walking away and letting life deal with people who show up in hurtful, disrespectful, manipulative, etc., ways. I no longer make them my problem and respect that they belong to Lady Karma, to deal with in her divine time.

I choose to take my energy and invest it into life-giving, expansive, joyful things, relationships, projects, thoughts. Or I channel the energy into self love for delicious dividends from the drama observed and happily side-stepped.

The benefits of my way of engaging

Whatever I do, I always end up thanking the adversarial energy or person for enriching my life by creating contrast, making me learn, stretch and get better at inner mastery.

I simply cannot lose in this little game of BEING human because everything enhances my experience and offers me an opportunity for growth or pivoting towards more fruitful endeavors and connections.

It is up to you and your behavior if you are, and remain, part of this playful unfolding of magic or need to be left to the past.

Sculpture by Bruno Walpoth

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Spirit is raining down insights in waking and dreams on me like candy from a carnival procession. Insights which triggered all kinds of emotions, responses and reactivities thereby illuminating and revealing layers of conditioning whose time for release has come.

There are several facets to the nature of emotional fulfillment that are being revealed not merely to my mental perception but a whole being knowing, a process of becoming one-with, or said differently: integration of emotional fulfillment with emotional lack.

The first piece I received was that emotional fulfillment on the human or whole being dimension doesn’t necessitate a romantic relationship or a specific other. For my human it suffices to have an open-hearted and loving connection with nature in her various manifestation, regardless if its plant, animal, human, elemental or energetic kin. I lived for decades under the codependently colored misperception that I NEEDED enmeshed human relationships to be well and emotionally fulfilled.

My spiritual path has led me to deepen and strengthen my connection with Source and Self which created a new embodied reality for me. The unhealthy fear-driven fixation on human relationships, romantic and otherwise, has been fading away with the degree of inner integration and growing sense of wholeness. Now I welcome connections and relationships but no longer feel compelled to overlook or sacrifice my needs for them, nor center them unduly in my everyday life.

A new voice is ringing in my inner tribe which has called the codependent and romantic conditioned aspects out and illumined more blind spots in my relational system. She ruthlessly laid bare the aspects of relating I used to hide from my awareness. Making me face how costly romantic partnerships truly had been to my wellbeing, energy levels, and how little they gave for what they costed. Don’t get me wrong, they all had their meaning, function and treasures but of that I have been aware of  all along what I avoided facing were their shadow aspects and that is why that was highlighted to me.

And with that reviewing and highlighting another layer of the romantic dream and conditioning died away.

I find myself in a new self perception which dissolves all previous ideas of needing a (or several) intimate partnerships at the center of my life. I no longer seek or subtly long to establish them as the foundation of my life vision. My focus has shifted to envisioning my being as the sole foundation of my life and to keep cultivating, nurturing, and weaving a network of loving, caring and deeply spiritual connections and relationships around me (community).

I cannot stress enough what a huge shift this is to my system and perception of life and vision for my future.

Another guidance received was the need to integrate those parts of me who long for scripted external relationships to be the source of my emotional fulfillment. Understanding their plights and needs and integrating them into my inner tribe in a loving way to help them release these conditioned dreams and attachments in their own time. Showing and teaching them the difference in embodied and felt sense of fulfillment between the relationships they attracted and the quality of relationships which are present, free, precious, blissful, growth-inducing, and available without their overlay of conditions.

I am learning to release the sticky hands of codependent parts from my life and relating, and in equal measures to set boundaries to the sticky hands of other’s codependent aspects when they grab at me or my energy in unhealthy and unwelcome ways. The second part being the more challenging at times.

My higher Self called me to retreat into internal oneness to rebalance and recalibrate more of my being to this new sense of self and to engage from it with my network of beloveds for attunement, shared joy, and to experience what this new state co-creates with them and life in general.

Art by Daniel Taylor

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I am writing this as a shared inquiry for you and me and allow reflections on expressions of power and inquiry into our experiences answer what makes power in or of a couple an expression of healthy/balanced dynamics or individuals and when it is an unhealthy/unbalanced expression for us individually. Abstaining from sharing my take on what makes a power couple feel dysfunctional/unhealthy and what qualifies and sets a powerful couple apart for me, though I have gained quite some clarity on it, allows more space for your explorations and truths sans coloring or limitations due to my perceptions and biases.

Power is never static, for power is not a thing that we can hold or store, it is a movement, a relationship, a balance, fluid and changing. The power one person can wield over another is dependent on a myriad of external factors and subtle agreements.
~Starhawk

Expressions of Power

Let us begin by touching on the different expressions of power we may be observing or unconsciously conflating. They might help us discern differences, make new layers visible, and inspire reflections on how we wish to express and nurture power in all our relationships. For the sake of brevity I will only share short definitions, which are far from exhaustive but hopefully give you an idea of the mentioned expressions of power.

Power Over

Most of what we have learned to think of as power is power over. This type of power is derived from and built on hierarchy, domination, coercion, force or control. It necessitates someone to have power while others have none or little, it can be as benign as a chair having power over our posture and as dangerous as someone having coercive power over another’s wellbeing or life.
Power over arises from a (un)conscious belief in scarcity and separation consciousness.

Power Within

Power within arises from an individual or collective sense of self-worth, value, dignity, capacity and includes the ability to recognize differences while respecting others. This is enhanced on the spiritual path as we cultivate self love and embrace as well as experience more of our capacity to change ourselves and our realities.

Power To

This power is rooted in the belief (or knowing) that every individual has the power to make a difference. Arising from the unique potential of every being to shape their life and world, it is a power to make a difference, create something new, or to achieve goals and visions. This is where our gifts to the world express as an aligned and blessing form of power.

Power With

Power with is shared power which arises from cooperation and relationships, the ability to act together. It helps build bridges across different interests, experiences, and knowledge and is about bringing resources, capacities and knowledge together to co-create synergistically resolutions and innovations. This power is amplified on our spiritual path when it takes us into mystical experiences and knowing of the oneness of all that is.

“The key to wisdom is this – constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question, by questioning we arrive at the truth.”
~ Peter Abelard

Inquiry

With these expressions of power in mind I found following lines of inquiry or questions to yield fruitful insights and discernment. Please feel free to add whatever questions and contemplations feel relevant to you and your experiences. And feel free to share them with me if you feel inclined to.

What kind of power is it?

Which of the above manifestations of power am I sensing/observing/experiencing in the couple/ my relationship? Does this power manifest to move and shake, from social clout, from physical beauty, through career or financial success, from alignment with cultural expectations and social scripts? Is it manifested beyond mundane aspects as love, compassion, wisdom, etc. or expressing as shared growth and creativity?

Where does the power arise from?

Is the power will driven (lower mind), driven by unconscious shadow aspects, driven by desires born of scarcity and separation consciousness? Does it arise from Self, to serve creative expression, to serve love, life and others from a knowing of oneness?

Is this power being felt, experienced or expressed, and if so on which level?

Is the power expressing on the emotionally, intuitively, mentally, spiritually dimension?
Is it felt by the pair and/or others? Is the couple experiencing said power primarily through its manifestations and workings (impossible obstacles are overcome, cooperation is given by hostile parties, etc.) and by the level of trust in and/or knowing of their union? Are they expressing power from a place of will, self-attributing being a power couple, and do they have a strong or obsessive attachment to being perceived as a power couple?

Relationship as an Entity of its Own

In further contemplations an aspect of my inner vision of relating and relationships proved quite central in my reflections of power in couple hood.

In my experience and knowing a relationship or the “we’ is an entity in its own right with its own needs, preferences and purpose, and in deeper reflection I realized that it sometimes becomes an ‘egregore’ of sorts. The power and expression of it by the relational egregore is dependent on the energy and intentions it is fed by the couple. It can be a force of healing and growth, be ambivalent, or a force of imbalance and harm. For the most part such feeding happens unconsciously and with material from individual un- and subconscious of the partners and the collective un/conscious field.
But, as with most things thankfully, there is a possibility to make these unconscious effects more conscious allowing us to intentionally feed our relationship entity through conscious attunement to each other, shared inquiry and vision quests into the current state of the relationship, co-creation of higher vision for the relationship, developing tools and practices for growth and to embody more of the higher vision, and much more.
Regardless of the intentional or unconscious nature of the cultivation relational egregores express and radiate power, visible or tangible power which the couple and others perceive as differentiated from the partners.

My personal attraction to powerful relationships and wish to be in such arises from my fascination with the mystery, dynamics, and potentiality of the relational egregore and creative challenge in shaping it into a power for change, growth, harmonious resonance with life, and blessing to all who are touched by it. I have a clear and deep seated sense of what it feels like to be in such a connection, from flashes of insights or experiences shared in previous or ongoing relationships and from a deep knowing and magnetic pull of my heart and soul.

Photography: Aragorn & Arwen, Return of the King, Movie Still

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Making a home of ourself in his spiritual sense means the cultivation and practice of self compassion, loving embrace of all that arises, and turning towards our suffering with compassion.

In my vision of relationship, born out of my experiences, current physical realities and higher visions, there are two more pieces missing from the above that are indispensable and non-negotiable to an intimate relationship with me: an active self practice of shadow work and conscious integration of trauma.

Lovingly holding and embracing our suffering mostly will not help us to know and liberate ourselves to a degree which allows us to understand the dynamics of our trauma responses and how they link into other’s pattern, and most of all how to step out of their destructive dynamics. It also doesn’t necessarily teach us individual practices to calm our nervous system, resource ourselves and retrain our brain in a timely way. There is much to be gained by wedding eastern and mystical wisdom with western scientific insights, it is wise to embrace our suffering and also wise to drop some of it when we have tools to do so in an integrative and healthy way. But I digress.

Making a home of ourselves, clearing the house of our Soul to be a welcoming, warm, clean, beautiful and safe space for self and other is a pleasant way of describing my path and journey.
It has been a slow and rewarding process to get to this current degree of inner peace, coherence of my inner tribe and their acceptance of the leadership of the impersonal self. She has been busy co-creating lasting peace between selves that had contrasting approaches and goals, teaching parts lacking boundaries to cultivate and uphold them fluidly and those whose boundaries were too rigid to ease up and become more fluid, lovingly nurturing the wounded parts and their protectors into more ease and a sustained sense of safety. Over and over my inner tribe has unified behind an updated vision of selfhood and path to walk, the years of intense resistances and infighting are thankfully behind me.
Almost every self trusts that it will be heard, taken seriously, be part of decision making processes, and their real needs will be fulfilled even if it may be delayed to serve a more pressing need. Internal disruptions are mostly dealt with calmly and with curiosity about the insights and learning available for all selves in the process. There is an acquired culture of knowing, trust, cooperation and compassionate kindness which is sustained and supports the growth, peace and joy of my self.

In other words I have come a long way of making myself from a war zone into a beautiful home.

This home of mine is deeply precious to me, as it was built at the cost of years, sacrifices and strife to get to its current state. Not everyone is welcome in it, no matter how much I may love them. Those that bring the taint of war and disruption to my door are sent their way with a blessing for their own healing and protection along their path. Those who approach with muddy boots and littering habits are told to clean up and shape up before they can enter my sacred space of serenity.

Potential partners, especially if they want to share my life center (co-habit, co-work, share finances, etc.), have to have built a home of a comparable quality and beauty if I am to answer the question “Are they a home to me?” in an affirmative.

I have worked hard to create this home of mine and have earned the right to no longer accept invitations into cold, drafty and unsafe shacks of people lacking boundaries, to sit in the entryways of the dark starkness of windowless fortresses of the emotionally unavailable, or any other inhospitable environment I encounter.

Another piece of insight completed contemplations I had on the aspect of safety in choosing another as a home. Safety, is a painfully lacking translation of the German term Geborgenheit at the center of this inquiry, which describes beyond ‘safety’ also a sense and/or feeling of being protected, cared for, cozy, secure, belonging and more.
In my reflections on what constitutes a good home in another I realized that safety stood for a dual quality I need to feel and sense. For one I have to trust the other to be capable of standing up for and protecting me, even if my warrior self can do that job very well I want to know that if she is down there is a reliable and strong second line of defense. On the other hand I have to trust the other not to carelessly or willfully neglect, abandon or hurt me and thereby act as a trigger dysregulating my nervous system.
Both qualitative aspects of safety are not simply known by what another professes or their track record with others, the assessment is mainly intuitive. Now that my trauma and mind no longer override the voice of my intuition in this, whenever my body says no it becomes an amplified whole being NO. A non-negotiable boundary which I gladly and lovingly uphold for my body and nervous system she suffered decades of abuse at the hands of my ignorance and distorted thinking.

With these and other reflections on being a home to self and others it becomes self-evident why someone who has not made a home of themselves cannot be a safe and homely refuge for another.

And a new dimension of inner work, of decorating one’s home to support and delight one’s beloved opens up when meeting one another on an equal footing. A joyful journey of explorations and shared creative play is gifted to those who will receive and expand into it.

Photography by Unknown

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This definition of what constitutes a dealbreaker, red, orange, or green flag is part of how I discern who cannot meet me as an equal and who can do so effortlessly. It serves as a touchstone I can come back to whenever relating gets messy and I need to analyze a relationship, its quality, and value.

This is a very personal list and can by no means be generalized to all because it arose from lessons learned through my karmic patterns, early woundings and other conditioning. Therefore it might contain things that are of no relevance to others or lack aspects that are key to their joy and fulfillment in relationships. Yet it may serve as an inspiration for contemplation and maybe even writing of your own list. 

Getting clear on our boundaries, needs, wants, desires and what we no longer are willing to tolerate before engaging with a potential partner, friend, family member, or colleague makes a huge difference in my experience. 

Regularly checking in with myself and updating my Relationship Q&A’s and this list is immensely insightful, as it tracks how my boundaries move and settle in new places. And it helps me know my current self and new experiences that are opening up in relating as old ones are released. Being clear and committing myself to being true to Self helps me make wiser choices in service of my wellbeing and that of others.

 I define the 4 categories below as follows:

Absolute Dealbreakers are (consistent) negative behaviors or traits which immediately and non-negotiably disqualify someone from any kind of relationship with me.  

Red Flags are troubling behaviors or traits that show up occasionally yet are alarming and unwelcome in my friendship circles and all the more so in close relationships or intimate partnerships. The more red flags I encounter the more I will be motivated to distance myself or disengage totally.

Orange Flags are behaviors and traits that point to underlying red flags or dealbreakers which need observation to discern if they are a sign of someone releasing negative traits or of their attempts at presenting themselves more favorably. 

Green Flags are welcome and desirable behaviors or traits which open doors to trust and closer relating.

Absolute Dealbreakers:

Lack of self love

Lack of integrity

Lack of intimacy

Lack of intelligence

Lack of communication skills

Lack of self work

Lack of accountability

Lack of self reflection

Lack of emotional availability

Imbalance of giving & receiving

I feel a lack of trust or respect for them

I feel a lack of alignment or meeting on the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual dimension

I feel unsafe, unseen, unheard, limited and unbalanced in their presence

Red Flags:

Lack of self love

Lack of sovereignty

Lack of full responsibility for self

Lack of self reflection

Lack of self work

Lack of shadow work

Lack of emotional intelligence

Lack of emotional availability

Lack of vulnerability

Lack of depth

Lack of kindness

Lack of compassion

Lack of consideration

Lack of curiosity

Lack of playfulness 

Lack of creativity

Lack of passion

Lack of hygiene

Lack of intrinsic motivation

Lack of awe for existence

Ego-centricity

Superficiality

Neediness 

Messiness

Stuck in analysis-paralysis

Stuck in self-sabotage or self-destruction

Stuck in outsourcing emotional labor

Stuck in low self-esteem/grandiosity

Lack of openness to change of behavior, thinking or patterns

Lack of capacity to create change

Lack of honor for other’s perspectives, needs and sovereignty

Inability to express love freely and with generosity

Inability to express their appreciation for me

Inability to see, hear and value me adequately

Inability to see and acknowledge their ego’s cruelties

Orange flags:

Evasiveness

Extreme need for privacy

Secrets

Selfishness

Stinginess

Wastefulness

Tone deafness

Phlegmatism

Lack of sensitivity

Lack of dignity (self respect)

Lack of boundaries

Lack of self care

Lack of openness about themselves

Lack of expressions of appreciation or gratitude

Lack of consideration for nature ( incl. others, animals, planet)

Green flags:

Depth

Presence

Mindful

Integrity

Intelligence

Accountability

Reliability and trustworthiness

Self work has become almost second nature

Knows own shadow and ego, has an effective shadow work practice

Ease and quality of self reflection proving a longstanding practice

Taking responsibility for his life, experience, actions, words and energy

Good self care (mental, emotional, spiritual & physical)

Good balance in giving and receiving

Good communication skills

Good emotional literacy, availability and intelligence

Good levels of self love apparent in choices, actions & thinking

Beautiful inside and out

Caring and compassionate

Cherishes and prioritizes relationships

Respectful of boundaries and need for consent

Quick to repair damage or misunderstandings

I feel an effortless and easeful connection with them on all dimensions

I feel a deeper sense of respect and admiration for them

I feel appreciated, cherished, respected and valued by them

I feel open, safe, seen, heard, free, playful and balanced in their presence

Photography: ‘The Golden Imprint I’ by Viet Ha Tran

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What is transparency in relationships?

Transparency means to be open, honest and truthful.In the context of relationships, it is vital to the evolution of the partnership. It shows trust in our partners and our ability to be vulnerable and let someone in to what we are experiencing. Without transparency, there is no sharing and it shuts down growth.

Lack of transparency or openness can cause issues in relationships. Deflection can occur which gets us nowhere and keeps us trapped in a never ending cycle. Keeping someone in the dark and treating them like they have no right to care or to information breaks down communication and leads to the erosion of the partnership.

Why is transparency in relationships so important?

Transparency is important as it sets the depths in which the partnership is able to penetrate. If there is constant deflection, avoidance, excuses, or games there is no way to move deeper. Trust is broken. Communication becomes impossible. The party that is being deflected stops trying. Intimacy is shut down. It closes doors and builds walls. The relationship is effectively frozen.

Relationships are never easy, but they are built for two. If you’re constantly having to beg for someone to let you in, it’s time to walk away. Yes, sometimes we have to spend time alone to figure things out or deal with things. It’s important to have space in relationships in order to figure that out. But if someone is always leaving you in the dark or deflecting when you try to reach out, you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship that really nourishes you. Open, honest communication is vital for the continuation and expansion of relationships. Without this cornerstone, the pillars crumble. The more we open, the deeper we are able to go.

The truth is some people are happy in the shallow end of the relationship stream.

They don’t want to travel the intricate levels of the spirit. They don’t want to open up or have a soul deep connection. And no matter how hard you try to pry them open, you can’t. The important thing in these situations is to acknowledge your own need for greater depth and move on to something that provides that. You deserve someone who is open and willing to let you in. Life is too short to spend begging for someone to open up to you.

~ Ara Campbell

Photography: ‘White Gauze’ by Robert Mapplethorpe

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This is how I deepened my love relationship with my body, feeling more attuned, healthy, stronger, energized, balanced and peaceful.

This year Spirit has stopped me in my tracks and made me contemplate where my preference for diversity and desire to connect with a variety of people, energies, mindsets and lifestyles was serving my wellbeing and where it was detrimental to it. In the process I had to release some unconsciously held beliefs and fears, change what I expose my mind and being to, become more discerning and reflective of the energies I experience and the feedback my body gives me about them. I had to discard another layer of good girl programming that used to override my own needs in service of useless ideas or principles. Within the same lesson Spirit guided me to choose the reality, timeline, story I want to live in and release my attachment to being connected to all other realities, timelines and narratives in unhealthy and ego-driven ways.

This is how Spirit healed my mind and spirit and revitalized my being.

This year I am wrapping up a long karmic cycle of unbalanced, unfulfilling, unloving and disheartening relating and relationships. I was lead into extensive self-observations, deep introspections, reflections and knowing of what in me attracts, co-creates, enables, nurtures and holds on to these painful experiences. Another layer of how the ego abuses and tortures me was revealed to me with the gracious help of an external catalyst who artfully combined all the tones of my ‘core woundings’ to trigger the unraveling of what still remained hidden to my awareness.

Parallel to it I have been exploring new dimensions of relating and communing with my innermost circles of friends and family, tasting new states of oneness in diversity, joyful embracements of similarities and differences alike, new frequencies and tones of blissful co-being. My heart is opening to more love and experiencing a delicious multitude of subtleties and nuances to love, friendship, affection, tenderness, support, nurturing and care. I have been learning to show up in my relationships with more vulnerability, playfulness, discernment and self love than I would have been capable of or even dreamt it possible just a year or two ago. I am being met in kind, with effortless reciprocity, appreciation, compassion, joy, playfulness and love that exceeds my most daring dreams. And yet I know it to be just a beginning…

This is how my heart and emotional body have been purified from the dark tendrils of karma, ancestral patterns and trauma and infused with luminous rainbow colored threads of love’s potentiality and soothing.

It has been a year of refocusing on my dreams, of manifesting my heart’s desire for a life filled with a multitude of loves, for a community of like-hearted dreamers, magicians, alchemists and creators, for creating spaces of potentiality, transformation, the magic of being and the effervescence of life. A year that allowed me to witness these dreams begin to take form in the physical dimension and nurture their unfolding with eyes of awe, glittering with the light of age old galaxies. This year has shown me the change of the tides-the time for my visions to take form has finally come. It has been a year of answered prayers of old, a year of my consciousness visioning in the realm of the unknown, touching the impossible wanting to be manifest through me and us.

This is how my trust has been nourished and expanded, this is how my dreams have been resurrected into a higher vibrancy, free, fluid, playfully and creatively shapeshifting with the flow of conscious harmonic resonance.

I release what cannot be part of my becoming and unfolding with heartfelt gratitude and blessings and welcome whatever awaits to teach me, enrich my life and expand my consciousness and love with open arms and heart.

And I bow in gratitude to Source, life, 2020, catalysts, teachers, students, friends, beloveds, family and Self for a subtly yet profoundly transformational year. 

Art by Marcel van Luit

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“If we think that other people can do us good, we will also think the opposite, that they can do us harm. It is an esoteric principle that neither is true. It is a subtle form of idol worship to think that anyone of himself does anything good or bad for us. However, others can be channels for our good.

Genuine fulfillment arises from within yourself. To feel alive only when we are with another person is false vitality, which we fear losing with the loss of the other. By extinguishing that part of us which feels alive only when with another is to live truly.

I want to give you a profound principle which, when absorbed, enables you to live as you like with other people.

You cannot establish a solid and satisfying relationship with another through human devices, such as gifts, promises, persuasions, threats, flatteries. You might temporarily get what you want, but the relationship will not be a happy one, and it will most likely break up.

Satisfying relationships can exist only between people who are more or less on the same high level of psychic maturity. They can enjoyably exchange endless benefits with each other on the psychic level, such as love and understanding. They can, also, without tension, enjoy all the benefits of the human and physical level, like conversation, companionship, sex. But two people on a low level of maturity can only anxiously exchange gifts on the human level, for that is all they have.

This leads us right back to the same conclusion: Raise your own level of psychic understanding, of mental maturity. Then you automatically attract people on your new level and with them you can have happy relations.”

~ Vernon Howard, The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power

Art: ‘Electric Love’ by Android Jones

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The moment I KNEW that I am ready and fully capable of loving another in their light AND darkness, EVEN if my darkness is raging in the loudest language of trauma.

This is a self mastery I wouldn’t have believed I was capable of just a few years back and yet I choose to work towards it nonetheless. Choosing to keep getting up from my knees, look back, forgive, learn and do or fail better. Again, and again. 

And here I AM.

Reposing in this knowing, celebrating another milestone, thanking the Beloved for all the lessons that led me here and the grace that empowered me to transcend more of the past. 

Grateful to my closest friends of the past decade who had a big part in helping me grow towards this NOW by co-creating relationship with me where I could safely practice showing up as a more whole version of me and allow more of my soul to embody. Without our beautiful connections, your role modeling and love this would have been a more arduous and maybe even impossible journey. 

Thank you for the gift of your being, your medicine and unique soul expression which keeps enriching life and making this world a brighter place!

I also thank those who made it unsafe to show up as myself, those that triggered my core woundings and gave me opportunities to feel and release the raw pain that was still stored in my body. They might no longer be part of my life but I do not want to forget their part in awakening me to the need for growth, for confronting me with my complicity in my suffering and for teaching me discernment in recognzing and choosing my people.

Now I am raising my gaze towards new horizons expanding before my newfound eyes and envisioning how this new skill can be utilized to live more dangerously, grow in novel magical ways, serve others in their journey of healing and growth and serve the ALL as a ‘more hollow’ bamboo.

Will you journey further with me into the mysteries of love?

The post Milestone appeared first on Venuskind.

In the past 5 years I have shared a little on the disruptions, betrayals and ending of friendships that were very dear and precious to me. Yet I did so only haltingly and while keeping the depth of pain, disappointment and devastation I have felt mostly contained to myself. Not out of fear of burdening you or making myself ‘too’ vulnerable but out of a sense of sacredness of those feelings. They were mine to feel and hold in their entirety and to share them with another necessitated, in my healing phase, a deep degree of intimacy and trust with another as well as the knowing they can and know how to hold this space with me as I was feeling and processing.

Now I feel I have come to the end of said cycle of learning and can more holistically and openly share my experience and process as I stand in a space of enough integration and transformation that I can communicate it in a way that makes this a sharing of medicine and not of distortion or affirmation of imbalance. As I progress on my path I am learning the importance not only of the intention behind my words but also their form and accompanying energy and to hold myself more accountable in being mindful of all three.

Looking back from where I stand now I understand how these 3 friendships ended in a way that opened a gateway to my three core woundings and original trauma triggers:

The first outright abandoned me in a rare and precarious moment I turned to him for help. 

The second crossed boundaries, triggered inadvertently my childhood sexual abuse and manipulations and denied me an opportunity to talk about it and ground myself through reconnecting, co-regulation and save our friendship which was very precious to me. 

The third neglected our relationship, took my being there for her for granted, without any willingness and capacity for reciprocity and distanced herself from intimacy and sharing in a time of extraordinary challenges and hardships in my life.

It is hard to convey in words the depth of abject pain I felt at the betrayal and abandonment, the disorientation, the distrust in my relational system and capacity to choose and cultivate friendships… the regression into the wounded child I was, feeling the vastness of despair, disconnection and loneliness and the need to hold my raging protectors in all their anger, resentment and vengeful feelings. All of which lasted for years.

It is fascinating how I was guided to respond to all three in a unique way and how that staid the same or shifted in unexpected ways. 

The first one I dismissed out of my life without any further communication or attempts at repairing because I sensed the impossibility of it and my total unwillingness to accept that in any of my relationships. If he crossed my path now I would be polite but I would not be open to a reconciliation. Maybe if he led with an embodied apology which expressed in all of his words and actions. And even then, he would have to re-earn my respect and trust which I willfully would not make easy for him.

The second one I unfriended after a period of trying to see them in person and process together what happened and repair the sudden disruption. It was his unwillingness to show up that made me choose to unfriend him although I still loved him deeply and ending the friendship hurt me like little in my life ever managed to hurt me.

The third I didn’t unfriend, I chose to divest my energy and engagement to equal hers and reframe our connection as an acquaintanceship, which is its own kind of ending a friendship in my universe. Though she wanted to repair and work on the friendship, after having gone dark for a long time, I was no longer interested and willing to invest more of my energy. In the grieving process of observing the changes in our connection in the period of her silence I realized a fundamental imbalance in our connection and its inherent limitations. I understood we could not travel into new lands of friendship and connection that were calling me and emerging in my other friendships and connections. And here a rather ruthless aspect of me emerged to insist my energy kept being invested in what was blossoming and not in what has become a part of the past. 

In the past years of tending to my core woundings, confronting my trauma and its distortions to my perceptions and most of all to my relational system I had to get very clear, honest and intentional with how I define relationships, how I am willing to show up and invest in them, where I am unavailable or outright unwilling to engage and where I am willing to extend myself even if it is challenging and painful. These have been years of reclusion and hermiting, pulling back from almost all real life social engagements apart from a select few that made me come out of my shell with their love and persistence. Years of deep contemplative inquiry, shadow work, self love and internal consolidation, while holding my remaining inner circle with as much love and care I could muster.

Now I look back with gratitude and see the immense gift these endings have been, each in its own way was a portal into healing the most armored and tender woundings of my past, initiations into a major part of the integration and healing I needed to bring to my being. The anger and resentment I felt have been transmuted into a changed inner landscape and wonderfully forged, nurtured and cultivated close friendships on whom I know I can rely and lean  and who have been my light in the darkest passages of this journey. The disappointment has been balanced with compassion for their humanity and storylines of trauma and wounding. All that is left in my wounded child and protectors is compassion, love, gratitude for them and a clarity on my needs, wants, desires and boundaries for friendships.

And with that a fundamental shift in my relational system has come about that fills me with amazement and awe as I observe its unfolding and blossoming. 

For most of my life my system could only conceptualize, feel and allow people to be in my life if the connection aligned with my wishes and expectations and if we had a huge falling out it was impossible to repair or reconnect. Now there is a spaciousness in me which can accept and adapt to the shifts of relationships and allow for others to weave in and out of my life within my internal framework of sovereignty and self love. Which means that I need not create strict boundaries and walls to keep people out or in, I trust myself to respond adequately or repair where I stumbled and allow others to do the same as long. I no longer lose sight of my sovereignty, wellbeing and self love in my friendships.

Another gift of this painful cycle is my ability to fully surrender to the leadership of my higher self or soul. A surrender and total trust which allowed me to fully be present and open-hearted with the second friend when he crossed my path a couple of weeks ago. This synchronistic event allowed me to experience the healing of residuals of the above mentioned themes of this cycle with full consciousness in the slow and measured pace of my soul, body and heart. To witness the grace of liberation of past pain and limitations is beyond words. All I verbalize is that I feel a depth of humility and awe for the becoming I am gifting myself, for the blessings I now can fully appreciate in unison of all parts of my being, for the excitement of the possibilities that are opening up and a warm welcome and receptivity for what wants to be born from this.

I have no idea if the reconnection is a process of closure before parting, or if it is the beginning of a new friendship, which may be based on a more conscious and heartful foundation, or whatever else it could be. All I know is that I have grown and get to taste the beauty of freedom and wholeness in sweeter ways than I have ever tasted them in this incarnation. For this I give thanks with all of my being!

So my loves if your friendships break, if people fall away, love yourself into wholeness and sidestep best you can any temptations to frame them as toxic, unworthy or similar. 

See it is our dearest soul kin who will volunteer to teach us our most painful and lessons, not out of negativity but their souls generosity and love toward ours. They avail themselves to enter the field of trauma and take the karma upon themselves of hurting us for our consciousness and soul expansion. I bow to these souls in gratitude and in the knowing of the costly gift they have given me, even if their human expression is unconscious and not capable to show up in the love of their soul essence or if my human decides they no longer have a place in my life.

May our human family evolve into a state where we can co-create our lessons without utilizing pain as the messenger and pathway of learning. And may we be gentle with each other and hone our skills of healing self and our relationships until we get there.

And may we hold the ones who stand by us in loyalty and love with the gentlest and most nurturing embrace and keep showing up for them in all the ways they need. I bow to my beloveds who carried me through this time of pain and healing with their love, presence, compassion, humor, being and radiance. 

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