My system now embraces that we have needs, and that some of them are better or only met with others. This no longer discomforts me or strikes fear into my heart, thankfully it has become something beautiful to be experienced, shared, received and celebrated in relating with beloveds and strangers alike. 

What still goes against the grain of some of my parts is neediness – the grasping, stickiness of its energetics and the undercurrent of self degradation that I sense in it. My avoidant protectors feel an instant ickiness at the proximity of such an energy, even more so when the grasping is directed towards my energy or being.

Thankfully I have clarity on what sets these parts off about neediness and how it is distinct from having needs:

First of all having needs does not make a person needy! 

There are many who, conditioned towards hyper-independence, cannot differentiate between having needs and being needy. And unfortunately suppress or deny their needs and don’t allow themselves to ask for support. Though I do not share that perspective and experience anymore I sure know it intimately and viscerally.

There is no weakness or lack in having a need or perceiving another as having needs, it is merely one facet of human expression in the moment. 

Needs are temporary, consistent or recurrent phenomena we all have to dance with in being embodied. They may shift and change, we may go through periods of being in need of more or less support – none of which defines our value or worthiness. The latter are innate and untouched by life experiences to my mystic’s consciousness. 

Neediness, in my current understanding, is a descriptor for an unskillful way someone expresses and attempts to get their needs met. While having a need is about a sensed, felt, experienced reality – it simply is and therefore is neither good nor bad.

We can express and bid for getting our needs met without ever coming close to being/vibrating neediness, in fact verbalizing of needs and requests for support can be incredibly empowered, admirable and magnetic no matter how vulnerable and tender it might feel to us. 

I welcome open communication of needs, wants and desires as it invites me onto an equal playing field of relating, where I get to inquire into my state of being resourced, my openness and willingness and my capacities to meet said needs, wants and desires or make a counter offer of what I can provide or alternatively express what I am not available for. 

That aligns with my vision of sovereign relating amongst equals, which is my explicit preference.

Neediness happens on a playing field of implicit inequality, assigning to the requesting the one-down position and the requested the one-up position. And it does not approach another with a straight-forward expression of a need and/or bid for support but comes at the other indirectly, often with unconscious and manipulative veneers of wanting to share or “give” to the approached. While there is a strong pulling on the energy of the approached, in some cases even an unconscious vampiristic attempt to utilize the other’s energy in balancing out a perceived lack. There are aspects of learned helplessness, victimhood, etc. which are all predicated on the person giving away their power and asking another to give it back to them, which of course is an impossibility.

I feel compassion for the predicament of living with this conditioning and trauma response, there is love in me for the being that meets me from that energy. And yet I will set very clear and unmovable boundaries with my protective parts, make my energy mercurially in-graspable, while being present with them from the detachment of the indifferent self. 

Essentially throwing them back to their own devices where they play hide and seek with themselves. Yet, wherever I am called to support them in facing their true, underlying need and meeting it in more skillful and honest ways, I will gladly be of service. 

I am just not available for the ‘song and dance of delusion’ their pattern creates for them and all who will step into the miasma of this distortion. My awareness, presence and energy are way too precious to me to invest, or waste, them in such a senseless way.

On the other side I love to meet straightforwardness and courageous expressions of needs with as much of a *yes* and support as I can muster. Reminding us that having needs is a natural and beautiful aspect of being human we share. And making a point of expressing and embodying that it is a privilege to be of service to them in this now, in order to see them soar and shine in the next. 

I happily embrace being a channel the universe uses to support another being, joyfully participating in waves of kindness, compassion and love that ripple and flow through our field of consciousness to the benefit and growth of All That Is.

Neediness is something I am no longer willing to engage with, even less so on its distorting playing field.

Photography: ‘Bad Breakup’ via Everett Collection

The post Neediness appeared first on Venuskind.

Safety has for the longest time been on the forefront of my mind, though it referred to physical safety from potential harm through violence. But that attachment and focus born out of a protective hyper-vigilance ended years ago. Thankfully. 

Emotional safety was something I did not actively and consciously look for, as I had rarely experienced it consistently nor (un)consciously believed it could be a ‘normal’ to strive for. Predominantly experiencing emotionally volatile and often unsafe relating  had impressed on me the importance to get better at protecting myself, at taking hits, and fighting more effectively. Habituating me in time to facing high level of distorted and combative energies without even giving myself the opportunity of exiting or becoming skillful at averting them. Awareness of the cost of such energies to my mental and physical health and growing self compassion have motivated me to focus more on listening to my body’s feedback, and being gentle with myself and others while moving away from such dynamics. Yet having gone through countless experiences of unsafe emotional relating has had an interesting side-effect: the knowing that I can and will not only survive but also use it for my growth. 

My focus is not on emotional safety because I know from experience that disruptions are sometimes necessary to break me out of entrenched patterns and therefore gifts of healing and growth, when received appropriately. And I am aware what a privilege it is to be able to say that emotional safety is no longer the focal point of awareness to me. It also means that I have reclaimed enough internal balance, integration, and harmony to focus on more subtle and creative aspects of relating. 

These days my measure and focus for the kind of relating I desire to co-create, experience more, and which is my current growth edge, is sweetness. Sweetness, not in the sense of the saccharine artifice many mistake for it or try to present but as a quality arising within me in certain relational moments or in connections. 

Sweetness is a softness of spirit, fragrant and sweet to the heart and being, it symbolizes to me a drinking of ambrosia from my own cup. Sweetness can have incredibly healing, nourishing, grounding as well as liberating and inspiring effects on mind and body. There is a shimmering warmth and timeless quality to her. An experience of being without or few overlays of persona and conditioning, where spaciousness is equally present as is a sense of being held in (a welcome) containment. 

Sweetness is a state where oneness and being an individual co-exist in awareness. And from this awareness and fascinating embodied experience the self expression, energy, and needs of an ‘other’ are perceived with awe, embraced, and met in a spirit of loving generosity.

Being met with sweetness in another when I feel distress or dysregulated is still an incredibly magical and tangibly transformative experience to my system. Some aspects of me still need time and a slower pace to allow it in as the specters of facsimiles of sweetness and their poisonous sting are still very present to them. It is lovely to observe them allow it in with more and more trust, as they remember the delight they feel at being met by sweetness from the Self. It is one of the most precious gifts of love the Self offers aspects/parts/exiles/shadow. 

There is no judgement, hierarchy, or harshly contrasting duality in sweetness’ golden shimmering luminosity. Sweetness is a healing salve to wounds of separation (abandonment, rejection, neglect) and disablingly stuck emotions (shame, guilt, fear), a healing frequency emitting ceaselessly towards the inner tribe, an invitation to attune and thrive in the harmonious and joyful resonance it co-creates with them. 

Sweetness does not need the other to be a certain way, she might offer other perspective vantage points as a gift of her spaciousness and to support an easing of contractions and tensions held in the other. Sweetness is effortlessly giving with his warm conscious gaze and welcoming embrace to all that arises and is present. 

Sweetness embraces all things, knows them to to be the One in the many, and honors everything and its role in the unfolding of reality.

Sweetness is the gateway to novel relational co-creative explorations I am open and drawn towards in all relationships. A gateway to walking and exploring unknown lands as the trusting and playful golden children we truly are at heart. 

Safety is a given, when sweetness is present.

Photography: ‘Father and Son’  by Steve McCurry (1980)

The post From Safety to Sweetness appeared first on Venuskind.

Accountability

The aspects I want to share pertains to how I currently respond to the needs or neediness of another.

Still not fully comfortable with neediness, which expresses through a victim narrative or whiny tonality, I find myself struggling to calm myself and dig deeper for compassion, as I am triggered to reject and and turn away from the experience. Realizing that the desire to distance myself from the emotions and expressions of the other is no longer solely rooted in conditioning but also in service of a primal knowing. A knowing that engaging with and entertaining such energies feeds the victim/whiny aspects in me, which I no longer wish to feed or strengthen, to the contrary.

And as I take full accountability of reacting in a poorer way than I would like, I am acknowledging the need to use better tools and practice being with energies I am integrating without a feeling of or being ‘tainted’ ,aka ‘contaminated,’ by them. In reflecting deeper on that, I became aware that I already can do so in connections that have a certain emotional depth and fluidity. Pointing towards the relationship of feeling emotionally disconnect, resulting protectivity, and the fragility to such energies. An obvious relationship, but as so often, not something I was conscious of in the moment. This needs some repetition and deepening of knowing to ensure access to it when I feel insecure or triggered.

Choice

A more novel aspect to that is the spaciousness I have gained in how I want to respond to another’s need in the moment.

Until now my nature and conditioning didn’t even allow for a pause and reflection if I want to show up in the way the other needs or asks me whenever I saw or sensed they were in pain. It was as if pain disabled any thought of myself and put me into a self-sacrificing autopilot or trance state of giving my all. Now I am allowing self love to enter and transform this hereto unconscious layer of relating in me.
This trauma reflex is also why I had such a hard time understanding, and respecting, people who could turn a cold shoulder in the face of another’s moment of need or pain. I still see that as an unpalatable thing but the emotional charge has lessened dramatically thanks to this insight and spaciousness entering this contracted aspect of self.

Discernment

Faced with someone whose idea of support consisted of making myself into a receptacle (or ‘dumping ground’ as my protectors would call it) for their narratives and emotions without asking question for clarity nor commenting in any other way, allowed for another insight.

Something in me balked at their expectation, mind you this was not a request to me but an expectations dripping with judgement. Which is why I celebrate my resistance as an expression of progress in setting self loving boundaries.

Their expectation was reminiscent of something I observed and verbalized in my mid twenties about the dynamics of relating with men. I felt they used me as ’emotional landfill’ as they would come to me and dump their unresolved shit to then saunter off and enjoy their new-found lightness in pretty much total disregard of me. A lightness bought at the cost of my emotional balance and energy. Infuriatingly they remained ignorant of the fact that they have dumped their emotional shit on me, necessitating me to carry the weight of it as enabler of their avoidance. Yuck! Thankfully another murky pattern I have patiently worked my way out of. Which is why I did not show up in the way they wanted but in a way that was aligned with what I know to be healthy for me and caring for another.

I am expressing ever more clearly a resounding NO to subtle ways others (un)consciously try to avoid doing their work, non-consensually dumping their load, and abusing my willingness to support another. Even if someone is in pain, or pulls on my heart-strings I am no longer blind to the pattern of turning me into a complicit in their self-disempowerment and avoidance of taking full responsibility for themselves and their experience of life. I am putting an end to my part in this dysfunctional dynamic pattern. And I cannot express how happy it makes me to see the expansion of this transformative process.

It makes it worth having had the low vibe experience that allowed for these insights and reflections.

Sovereignty

If it really needs mentioning:
The final say on if and how I support someone lies with me. Even though I am inviting you to share your requests, and open to negotiating with you what and how I can offer – No one gets to decide how and where my energy is invested apart from Self, Spirit and myself.

Trying to manipulate your way to controlling my behavior and self expression will get you one thing only: The end of relating as I walk away.

I remain fully available to growth-oriented relating based on sovereignty, freedom, humor, playfulness, self knowledge, compassion, and love/consciousness. And when I speak of growth, I am using the term in a deeply spiritual definition of the willingness and capacity to face, acknowledge, love, and integrate one’s shadow and learn to do the same with the shadow of the other. I am fully aware that this is calling for the master class of relating, it takes a ton of courage, resilience, responsibility for self, self knowledge, and willingness to vulnerably and openly share your internal world to allow another know and feel you in your light and shadow. And I am fully willing to learn to fail better in this way of relating and learning with another, to deepen in awareness and discernment, to become better at repair and gentleness with self and other… to go through all highs and lows of this path as long as we meet on this ground.

This is my baseline for relating.

Meet me there or watch me move on to better aligned experiences and beings.

Photoart by Zac Cannon

The post Relational Insights appeared first on Venuskind.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand
and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn…
With every goodbye, you learn.

~ Veronica Shoffstall

We all grow up with countless narratives on the pain, devastation, and overwhelm we can feel after a break up. Countless movies, songs, and books have colored our collective consciousness for centuries and millennia.

With the commitment to my spiritual journey, ongoing practices as well as psycho-spiritual integration work the nature of break ups has slowly begun to shift for me.

Prior to that a break up would ‘shred my heart’ and trigger a ceaseless storm of emotions in my being which ranged from abandonment, unlovability, and grief to anger, disappointment, and at times even disgust. Months of my lifetime would be absorbed by this inner turmoil and diminish my inner fire and life energy. All of which neatly follows our collective expectations and conditioning.

With the beginning of my journey I realized that the duration of this state pretty quickly dropped from several months to weeks. And with the focus on self love and my relationship with Source and Self the intensity of above mentioned emotions began to lessen tangibly. In the moment of a break up the thought of it happening in service of my growth and wellbeing was more and more present. While my inner tribe told the wounded parts that the one who was leaving my life was making place for someone who would be better aligned and more loving.

But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved like you never have known
The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred
But someday you will be loved

~ Death Cab for Cutie, Someday You Will Be Loved

In all of these years past I thought it would become easier to navigate break ups and the pain they caused me but not once did I imagine it to be possible to experience a break up and not feel pain. Why did the possibility never cross my mind? Because the belief that parting is painful is very deeply entrained, so deeply that I could not even conceptualize a reality where pain is not part of the picture. Looking back it saddens me how blinded my mind was to this whole new range of experiences which opened up for me a year ago.

On reflection I feel it is a deepening in surrender to Self-leadership and Soul guidance as well as trust in the benevolence of Source and life which allowed this shift to express through my being. And addressing codependency and enmeshment patterns in myself released a lot of the unhealthy attachments to past pains and misbegotten beliefs, which were at the root of the pain and turmoil I felt whenever I broke up with someone or a friendship ended.

I find myself strongly rooted in the knowing that what is mine to have will not miss me or be taken from me and that all that can be taken or end was not mine to keep. My hands which used to be sticky and grasping in their unconscious service to enmeshment and codependency, have been cleaned and opened up by knowing and devotion, only lightly hold what is given to me. Always ready to let everything go when their time has come. Trusting that they shall be replaced with more beautiful and enchanting things, people, feelings, places, or beliefs.

Now a parting is colored by the overflowing of gratitude for the times we had, the beauty and joy co-created, and trust in the wisdom of consciousness which is leading us in different directions. Even if my human dislikes certain behaviors of the other in parting, she doesn’t linger on those but follows the lead of the heart into gratitude and the lead of spirit into the field of infinite possibilities opening at this point of parting.

My latest experience of a breakup felt eerily equanimous verging on joyful.

There were no feelings of loss, anger, or disappointment but feelings of awe for the beauty of the experiences had, the lessons learned, and gratitude. Gratitude that there is more that life has in store for me as I integrate the insights and lessons and that I do not have to settle for less than the dream which is alive in me.

Of course I am cognizant of the shortcomings in him and myself, as well as the aspects that render us incompatible, nonetheless my focus lies intentionally on what was great, special, or exceptional. I can appreciate the poet, and the joy of being loved in my own love language, the delight to delve into the bliss of presence with another. And I can see the aspects of myself that need healing and discipline in order to prevent them from overriding my integrity. My internal self work focus lies on the aspects of my being which enabled, attracted, and were meant to be illuminated by this experience in their need for balance and/or growth.

I woke the next morning with sunshine in my heart and being to a day filled with synchronicities, serendipity, and abundance of love. And that is how it remained. This is what it feels like to part ways when I am more fully integrated and aligned than I ever was: Easeful, grateful, compassionate, appreciative, loving, and light.

Who knows maybe this was available all along?
And maybe it is time to write new narratives about breakups?
It sure is for me.
So why not for you?

I am sure there are many beautiful experiences of breakups out there…
Please feel free to share yours and make them more visible and accessible as a seed of hope and change for others!

Photography by Unknown

The post Changing the Narrative on Break Ups appeared first on Venuskind.

How do I explain that my mind is reeling while trying to differentiate and keep apart timelines, feelings and persons?

How do I own and express to him that I know it’s unfair that he is affected by my childhood trauma and that I choose to protect and love my inner child even if it means hurting his feelings in the process?

How do I hold space for his hurt without collapsing into abandoning myself  while gently advocating for my wounded child?

How do I express my gratitude for our meeting because it revealed an unconscious effect of my past and helped me avoid hurting myself and others in this way again now that I gained an understanding of this trigger?

~ June 2016

Art by Unknown

The post Questions from the Void of a Flashback appeared first on Venuskind.

I am writing this as a shared inquiry for you and me and allow reflections on expressions of power and inquiry into our experiences answer what makes power in or of a couple an expression of healthy/balanced dynamics or individuals and when it is an unhealthy/unbalanced expression for us individually. Abstaining from sharing my take on what makes a power couple feel dysfunctional/unhealthy and what qualifies and sets a powerful couple apart for me, though I have gained quite some clarity on it, allows more space for your explorations and truths sans coloring or limitations due to my perceptions and biases.

Power is never static, for power is not a thing that we can hold or store, it is a movement, a relationship, a balance, fluid and changing. The power one person can wield over another is dependent on a myriad of external factors and subtle agreements.
~Starhawk

Expressions of Power

Let us begin by touching on the different expressions of power we may be observing or unconsciously conflating. They might help us discern differences, make new layers visible, and inspire reflections on how we wish to express and nurture power in all our relationships. For the sake of brevity I will only share short definitions, which are far from exhaustive but hopefully give you an idea of the mentioned expressions of power.

Power Over

Most of what we have learned to think of as power is power over. This type of power is derived from and built on hierarchy, domination, coercion, force or control. It necessitates someone to have power while others have none or little, it can be as benign as a chair having power over our posture and as dangerous as someone having coercive power over another’s wellbeing or life.
Power over arises from a (un)conscious belief in scarcity and separation consciousness.

Power Within

Power within arises from an individual or collective sense of self-worth, value, dignity, capacity and includes the ability to recognize differences while respecting others. This is enhanced on the spiritual path as we cultivate self love and embrace as well as experience more of our capacity to change ourselves and our realities.

Power To

This power is rooted in the belief (or knowing) that every individual has the power to make a difference. Arising from the unique potential of every being to shape their life and world, it is a power to make a difference, create something new, or to achieve goals and visions. This is where our gifts to the world express as an aligned and blessing form of power.

Power With

Power with is shared power which arises from cooperation and relationships, the ability to act together. It helps build bridges across different interests, experiences, and knowledge and is about bringing resources, capacities and knowledge together to co-create synergistically resolutions and innovations. This power is amplified on our spiritual path when it takes us into mystical experiences and knowing of the oneness of all that is.

“The key to wisdom is this – constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question, by questioning we arrive at the truth.”
~ Peter Abelard

Inquiry

With these expressions of power in mind I found following lines of inquiry or questions to yield fruitful insights and discernment. Please feel free to add whatever questions and contemplations feel relevant to you and your experiences. And feel free to share them with me if you feel inclined to.

What kind of power is it?

Which of the above manifestations of power am I sensing/observing/experiencing in the couple/ my relationship? Does this power manifest to move and shake, from social clout, from physical beauty, through career or financial success, from alignment with cultural expectations and social scripts? Is it manifested beyond mundane aspects as love, compassion, wisdom, etc. or expressing as shared growth and creativity?

Where does the power arise from?

Is the power will driven (lower mind), driven by unconscious shadow aspects, driven by desires born of scarcity and separation consciousness? Does it arise from Self, to serve creative expression, to serve love, life and others from a knowing of oneness?

Is this power being felt, experienced or expressed, and if so on which level?

Is the power expressing on the emotionally, intuitively, mentally, spiritually dimension?
Is it felt by the pair and/or others? Is the couple experiencing said power primarily through its manifestations and workings (impossible obstacles are overcome, cooperation is given by hostile parties, etc.) and by the level of trust in and/or knowing of their union? Are they expressing power from a place of will, self-attributing being a power couple, and do they have a strong or obsessive attachment to being perceived as a power couple?

Relationship as an Entity of its Own

In further contemplations an aspect of my inner vision of relating and relationships proved quite central in my reflections of power in couple hood.

In my experience and knowing a relationship or the “we’ is an entity in its own right with its own needs, preferences and purpose, and in deeper reflection I realized that it sometimes becomes an ‘egregore’ of sorts. The power and expression of it by the relational egregore is dependent on the energy and intentions it is fed by the couple. It can be a force of healing and growth, be ambivalent, or a force of imbalance and harm. For the most part such feeding happens unconsciously and with material from individual un- and subconscious of the partners and the collective un/conscious field.
But, as with most things thankfully, there is a possibility to make these unconscious effects more conscious allowing us to intentionally feed our relationship entity through conscious attunement to each other, shared inquiry and vision quests into the current state of the relationship, co-creation of higher vision for the relationship, developing tools and practices for growth and to embody more of the higher vision, and much more.
Regardless of the intentional or unconscious nature of the cultivation relational egregores express and radiate power, visible or tangible power which the couple and others perceive as differentiated from the partners.

My personal attraction to powerful relationships and wish to be in such arises from my fascination with the mystery, dynamics, and potentiality of the relational egregore and creative challenge in shaping it into a power for change, growth, harmonious resonance with life, and blessing to all who are touched by it. I have a clear and deep seated sense of what it feels like to be in such a connection, from flashes of insights or experiences shared in previous or ongoing relationships and from a deep knowing and magnetic pull of my heart and soul.

Photography: Aragorn & Arwen, Return of the King, Movie Still

The post Powerful Couple or Power Couple appeared first on Venuskind.

Making a home of ourself in his spiritual sense means the cultivation and practice of self compassion, loving embrace of all that arises, and turning towards our suffering with compassion.

In my vision of relationship, born out of my experiences, current physical realities and higher visions, there are two more pieces missing from the above that are indispensable and non-negotiable to an intimate relationship with me: an active self practice of shadow work and conscious integration of trauma.

Lovingly holding and embracing our suffering mostly will not help us to know and liberate ourselves to a degree which allows us to understand the dynamics of our trauma responses and how they link into other’s pattern, and most of all how to step out of their destructive dynamics. It also doesn’t necessarily teach us individual practices to calm our nervous system, resource ourselves and retrain our brain in a timely way. There is much to be gained by wedding eastern and mystical wisdom with western scientific insights, it is wise to embrace our suffering and also wise to drop some of it when we have tools to do so in an integrative and healthy way. But I digress.

Making a home of ourselves, clearing the house of our Soul to be a welcoming, warm, clean, beautiful and safe space for self and other is a pleasant way of describing my path and journey.
It has been a slow and rewarding process to get to this current degree of inner peace, coherence of my inner tribe and their acceptance of the leadership of the impersonal self. She has been busy co-creating lasting peace between selves that had contrasting approaches and goals, teaching parts lacking boundaries to cultivate and uphold them fluidly and those whose boundaries were too rigid to ease up and become more fluid, lovingly nurturing the wounded parts and their protectors into more ease and a sustained sense of safety. Over and over my inner tribe has unified behind an updated vision of selfhood and path to walk, the years of intense resistances and infighting are thankfully behind me.
Almost every self trusts that it will be heard, taken seriously, be part of decision making processes, and their real needs will be fulfilled even if it may be delayed to serve a more pressing need. Internal disruptions are mostly dealt with calmly and with curiosity about the insights and learning available for all selves in the process. There is an acquired culture of knowing, trust, cooperation and compassionate kindness which is sustained and supports the growth, peace and joy of my self.

In other words I have come a long way of making myself from a war zone into a beautiful home.

This home of mine is deeply precious to me, as it was built at the cost of years, sacrifices and strife to get to its current state. Not everyone is welcome in it, no matter how much I may love them. Those that bring the taint of war and disruption to my door are sent their way with a blessing for their own healing and protection along their path. Those who approach with muddy boots and littering habits are told to clean up and shape up before they can enter my sacred space of serenity.

Potential partners, especially if they want to share my life center (co-habit, co-work, share finances, etc.), have to have built a home of a comparable quality and beauty if I am to answer the question “Are they a home to me?” in an affirmative.

I have worked hard to create this home of mine and have earned the right to no longer accept invitations into cold, drafty and unsafe shacks of people lacking boundaries, to sit in the entryways of the dark starkness of windowless fortresses of the emotionally unavailable, or any other inhospitable environment I encounter.

Another piece of insight completed contemplations I had on the aspect of safety in choosing another as a home. Safety, is a painfully lacking translation of the German term Geborgenheit at the center of this inquiry, which describes beyond ‘safety’ also a sense and/or feeling of being protected, cared for, cozy, secure, belonging and more.
In my reflections on what constitutes a good home in another I realized that safety stood for a dual quality I need to feel and sense. For one I have to trust the other to be capable of standing up for and protecting me, even if my warrior self can do that job very well I want to know that if she is down there is a reliable and strong second line of defense. On the other hand I have to trust the other not to carelessly or willfully neglect, abandon or hurt me and thereby act as a trigger dysregulating my nervous system.
Both qualitative aspects of safety are not simply known by what another professes or their track record with others, the assessment is mainly intuitive. Now that my trauma and mind no longer override the voice of my intuition in this, whenever my body says no it becomes an amplified whole being NO. A non-negotiable boundary which I gladly and lovingly uphold for my body and nervous system she suffered decades of abuse at the hands of my ignorance and distorted thinking.

With these and other reflections on being a home to self and others it becomes self-evident why someone who has not made a home of themselves cannot be a safe and homely refuge for another.

And a new dimension of inner work, of decorating one’s home to support and delight one’s beloved opens up when meeting one another on an equal footing. A joyful journey of explorations and shared creative play is gifted to those who will receive and expand into it.

Photography by Unknown

The post Being a Home appeared first on Venuskind.

 Today I want to share one of my playful visioning tools of inquiry into my being’s current vision of an aligned beloved and partner:

Give yourself enough undisturbed time for this explorative journey. Make yourself comfortable and drop into your heart, ask her to show you the relationship that makes your heart and soul sing with bliss, utilizing all of your senses make the journey come alive in full sensory high-definition.

When you have connected you can ask the first question below to get more detailed visions, answers, sensations, and knowing. Listen deeply. Let your heart guide you. Write the answers down when you feel your heart’s revelations are complete. Then pose the next question, listen and repeat until all questions have been answered. 

This is not something that is necessary revealed to you in one go. Contemplate your heart’s answers, feel into them, get to know your most tender, sensual, playful, pragmatic, spiritual needs in intimate relating. Keep revisiting this journey as you feel intuitively guided, become as deeply intimate with the felt and sensed frequency of your beloved as you can. Add whatever questions your heart deems important.

Most of all keep it light, playful, dream big, be outrageous in your wishes and dreams, and trust you deserve all that makes your heart come alive and overflow with love.

Acknowledge whatever limiting beliefs, fears or negative memories might come up and let them know you will give them their own time and space but this is not it. Make time to address them some other time with love and compassion. Heal what needs healing, release whatever needs releasing. 

I wish you clarity and a delicious harmonious resonance in communing with your heart, soul and beloved.

What kind of person are they?

Which core qualities do they embody?

How do they embody self love?

How do they live their life?

How do they show up in relationships?

How do they show up in relating to you?

How do they relate to others?

What makes them special to you?

How do you show up in the relationship with them? 

What do you feel like relating to them?

How do they enrich your life?

What makes them a great partner?

Photography by Unknown

The post Who Does my Heart Desire? appeared first on Venuskind.

This definition of what constitutes a dealbreaker, red, orange, or green flag is part of how I discern who cannot meet me as an equal and who can do so effortlessly. It serves as a touchstone I can come back to whenever relating gets messy and I need to analyze a relationship, its quality, and value.

This is a very personal list and can by no means be generalized to all because it arose from lessons learned through my karmic patterns, early woundings and other conditioning. Therefore it might contain things that are of no relevance to others or lack aspects that are key to their joy and fulfillment in relationships. Yet it may serve as an inspiration for contemplation and maybe even writing of your own list. 

Getting clear on our boundaries, needs, wants, desires and what we no longer are willing to tolerate before engaging with a potential partner, friend, family member, or colleague makes a huge difference in my experience. 

Regularly checking in with myself and updating my Relationship Q&A’s and this list is immensely insightful, as it tracks how my boundaries move and settle in new places. And it helps me know my current self and new experiences that are opening up in relating as old ones are released. Being clear and committing myself to being true to Self helps me make wiser choices in service of my wellbeing and that of others.

 I define the 4 categories below as follows:

Absolute Dealbreakers are (consistent) negative behaviors or traits which immediately and non-negotiably disqualify someone from any kind of relationship with me.  

Red Flags are troubling behaviors or traits that show up occasionally yet are alarming and unwelcome in my friendship circles and all the more so in close relationships or intimate partnerships. The more red flags I encounter the more I will be motivated to distance myself or disengage totally.

Orange Flags are behaviors and traits that point to underlying red flags or dealbreakers which need observation to discern if they are a sign of someone releasing negative traits or of their attempts at presenting themselves more favorably. 

Green Flags are welcome and desirable behaviors or traits which open doors to trust and closer relating.

Absolute Dealbreakers:

Lack of self love

Lack of integrity

Lack of intimacy

Lack of intelligence

Lack of communication skills

Lack of self work

Lack of accountability

Lack of self reflection

Lack of emotional availability

Imbalance of giving & receiving

I feel a lack of trust or respect for them

I feel a lack of alignment or meeting on the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual dimension

I feel unsafe, unseen, unheard, limited and unbalanced in their presence

Red Flags:

Lack of self love

Lack of sovereignty

Lack of full responsibility for self

Lack of self reflection

Lack of self work

Lack of shadow work

Lack of emotional intelligence

Lack of emotional availability

Lack of vulnerability

Lack of depth

Lack of kindness

Lack of compassion

Lack of consideration

Lack of curiosity

Lack of playfulness 

Lack of creativity

Lack of passion

Lack of hygiene

Lack of intrinsic motivation

Lack of awe for existence

Ego-centricity

Superficiality

Neediness 

Messiness

Stuck in analysis-paralysis

Stuck in self-sabotage or self-destruction

Stuck in outsourcing emotional labor

Stuck in low self-esteem/grandiosity

Lack of openness to change of behavior, thinking or patterns

Lack of capacity to create change

Lack of honor for other’s perspectives, needs and sovereignty

Inability to express love freely and with generosity

Inability to express their appreciation for me

Inability to see, hear and value me adequately

Inability to see and acknowledge their ego’s cruelties

Orange flags:

Evasiveness

Extreme need for privacy

Secrets

Selfishness

Stinginess

Wastefulness

Tone deafness

Phlegmatism

Lack of sensitivity

Lack of dignity (self respect)

Lack of boundaries

Lack of self care

Lack of openness about themselves

Lack of expressions of appreciation or gratitude

Lack of consideration for nature ( incl. others, animals, planet)

Green flags:

Depth

Presence

Mindful

Integrity

Intelligence

Accountability

Reliability and trustworthiness

Self work has become almost second nature

Knows own shadow and ego, has an effective shadow work practice

Ease and quality of self reflection proving a longstanding practice

Taking responsibility for his life, experience, actions, words and energy

Good self care (mental, emotional, spiritual & physical)

Good balance in giving and receiving

Good communication skills

Good emotional literacy, availability and intelligence

Good levels of self love apparent in choices, actions & thinking

Beautiful inside and out

Caring and compassionate

Cherishes and prioritizes relationships

Respectful of boundaries and need for consent

Quick to repair damage or misunderstandings

I feel an effortless and easeful connection with them on all dimensions

I feel a deeper sense of respect and admiration for them

I feel appreciated, cherished, respected and valued by them

I feel open, safe, seen, heard, free, playful and balanced in their presence

Photography: ‘The Golden Imprint I’ by Viet Ha Tran

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What is transparency in relationships?

Transparency means to be open, honest and truthful.In the context of relationships, it is vital to the evolution of the partnership. It shows trust in our partners and our ability to be vulnerable and let someone in to what we are experiencing. Without transparency, there is no sharing and it shuts down growth.

Lack of transparency or openness can cause issues in relationships. Deflection can occur which gets us nowhere and keeps us trapped in a never ending cycle. Keeping someone in the dark and treating them like they have no right to care or to information breaks down communication and leads to the erosion of the partnership.

Why is transparency in relationships so important?

Transparency is important as it sets the depths in which the partnership is able to penetrate. If there is constant deflection, avoidance, excuses, or games there is no way to move deeper. Trust is broken. Communication becomes impossible. The party that is being deflected stops trying. Intimacy is shut down. It closes doors and builds walls. The relationship is effectively frozen.

Relationships are never easy, but they are built for two. If you’re constantly having to beg for someone to let you in, it’s time to walk away. Yes, sometimes we have to spend time alone to figure things out or deal with things. It’s important to have space in relationships in order to figure that out. But if someone is always leaving you in the dark or deflecting when you try to reach out, you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship that really nourishes you. Open, honest communication is vital for the continuation and expansion of relationships. Without this cornerstone, the pillars crumble. The more we open, the deeper we are able to go.

The truth is some people are happy in the shallow end of the relationship stream.

They don’t want to travel the intricate levels of the spirit. They don’t want to open up or have a soul deep connection. And no matter how hard you try to pry them open, you can’t. The important thing in these situations is to acknowledge your own need for greater depth and move on to something that provides that. You deserve someone who is open and willing to let you in. Life is too short to spend begging for someone to open up to you.

~ Ara Campbell

Photography: ‘White Gauze’ by Robert Mapplethorpe

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“If we think that other people can do us good, we will also think the opposite, that they can do us harm. It is an esoteric principle that neither is true. It is a subtle form of idol worship to think that anyone of himself does anything good or bad for us. However, others can be channels for our good.

Genuine fulfillment arises from within yourself. To feel alive only when we are with another person is false vitality, which we fear losing with the loss of the other. By extinguishing that part of us which feels alive only when with another is to live truly.

I want to give you a profound principle which, when absorbed, enables you to live as you like with other people.

You cannot establish a solid and satisfying relationship with another through human devices, such as gifts, promises, persuasions, threats, flatteries. You might temporarily get what you want, but the relationship will not be a happy one, and it will most likely break up.

Satisfying relationships can exist only between people who are more or less on the same high level of psychic maturity. They can enjoyably exchange endless benefits with each other on the psychic level, such as love and understanding. They can, also, without tension, enjoy all the benefits of the human and physical level, like conversation, companionship, sex. But two people on a low level of maturity can only anxiously exchange gifts on the human level, for that is all they have.

This leads us right back to the same conclusion: Raise your own level of psychic understanding, of mental maturity. Then you automatically attract people on your new level and with them you can have happy relations.”

~ Vernon Howard, The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power

Art: ‘Electric Love’ by Android Jones

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“A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on this deeper level. This kind of mutual recognition provides the catalyst for a potent alchemy. It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials. While a heart connection lets us appreciate those we love just as they are, a soul connection opens up a further dimension — seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence. This means recognizing that we both have an important part to play in helping each other become more fully who we are… A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion.”  

~ John Welwood

Photography by Unknown

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My mind assumed it to be a call for assessment of how well I did in the past year or where I failed to show up in my core relationships, oh how stunned it was to realize it was wrong. 

At first the retreat was met with a silence of both, reminding me of the importance of patience, stillness and being. Once my being leaned into the silence and simplicity of being a sweetness and blissful flow of harmony arose in me. A sweetness that had lessened in the engagement with loved ones and catalysts in the past months. Yet its rising was not accusatory but a gentle reminder of what the baseline of my existence has become through the hard work of the past years and the grace bestowed by Spirit. 

Leading me to reflect on why I allowed my inner wellbeing to lessen, how I participated in or instigated the lowering of my vibration. Then my inner Guru pointed to the experiences of the past months that challenged me to meet unlove with love over and over again. Showing me the patterns and scripts I have been enacting while observing it with awareness and working on responding from love even if it felt nigh impossible. Proving once again that the mind and its beliefs on what I can or cannot do are stuck in the past and need to be left behind on a path of growth. Highlighting where I still hold attachments and blind spots in need of my loving illumination, integration and transmutation in order to follow the call that has been stirring within and becoming louder by the day.

A call I sensed and knew deep in my cells. 

A call into Divine Union and a new path announcing its opening.

This union is first and foremost internal, a higher state of union of inner feminine and inner masculine, of polarities and energies within. A union that enables and necessitates a higher kind of relating, relating based on the foundation of knowing and values I have embraced and learned to embodied throughout the past years. This inner union demands a higher level of integrity, clarity and alignment to be embodied and lived by me than I have ever done. No more letting things slide or allowing aspects of me to rationalize holding on to the dysfunctions and superfluousness of what is belongs to the past. Consciously offering it all on the altar of the eclipse season and letting it be transmuted by Spirit to be of service of the experiences to come.

This new path of being and creating life comes with its own soul family, tribe and fellow journeyers. Holding on to the status quo or trying to fit in what isn’t energetically aligned with it will create unnecessary suffering for all involved. 

Source is illuminating where I need to let go, where relationships have to be adjusted to a form and level of engagement that befits their energetic reality and where the interfering fantasies of the mind need to end now. 

I am being reminded how important it is to start a new part of your life with care, awareness and integrity. Any kind of laziness, be it emotional, spiritual, mental or physical, in preparation of my new beginning will have larger ramifications in the time to come. 

The quality of the seeds planted in this time is of utmost importance and that is why we are collectively called into reflection and meditative contemplations. We are calibrating and attuning our energy, by releasing whatever obstructs the flow of Source energy or distracts from our inner callings and evolution of consciousness and thus the seeds of the new realities we are building on various dimensions are purified and elevated.

May our inner divine union help us seed external divine unions, families and tribes of love and creativity which serve all of life in the highest and best way.

Art: “The Beginning” by Anna Ewa Miarczynska

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I cried over the perpetuations of pain across generations, the relational mutilation of the men I know intimately and love, the pain their pain brought to our relationships and me, I cried over all the wasted energy in attempting to understand, help and support when the men were too blind or afraid to truly face their truth and do their work, I cried for the friends I see flee from healing and the masked unhappiness they hold themselves in. I cried for the painful and long journey a man has to undertake to get to a state of being capable of relating in any healthy or meaningful way.

I cried over all the ways I misunderstood and couldn’t relate to my father and him to me, for the pains of his childhood that caused his covert depression and fear-inducing presence and cold absence in my life, I can see now why he teeters on wanting to reach out and then deciding not to. I cried for the shame and self-rejection I carried for him and my grandfather too. I cried over the patterns of trauma, active and passive abuse that run in my family clans and the way they keep an unhealthy hold on self esteem, self love and interpersonal relationships.

And I looked deeper into the abyss of relational dysfunctionality seeded with the pathology of patriarchy suffusing our culture and subconscious minds. 

Realizing more why relating has grown ever more difficult as I proceeded in my healing journey. Understanding with more clarity why my system rebels when a man unconsciously expects or demands me to mother him, tests me incessantly to affirm the belief of his unworthiness, lashes out and keeps hurting me whenever my love became unbearable in the hell of (un)conscious self hate and rejection. 

I understand why my intuition tells me to retreat from men whose relating and “love” is self referential (I love you for what you do for ME, for how you make ME feel. No value is given to the other beyond the fulfillment of a role to serve their needs). I can see how much of a journey of healing and integration lies ahead of them and how incompatible we are due to the work I have already invested into my integrational self work.

This has been an unexpected and deeply cathartic journey into aspects of my past and subconscious I rarely got to illuminate. Simply by being open, empathetic and reading a much needed and valuable work on male psychology.

I shall never fully understand people who denigrate book knowledge and think it useless and dead. Books have been some of the most potent catalysts in my life. Authors can become wise ancestors to our lives and journeys when they distill the treasures of their journey and make them accessible to us.

If you are curious about the book I read, its title is “I Don’t Want To Know” by Terrence Real and I cannot recommend it enough. Regardless of your gender or feelings towards men, this work of heart will bring unexpected healing insights and expansive perspectives to your life and experience. Especially if you are striving to relate consciously with the people in your life this will be a valuable and insightful resource.

Photography: Rachida Brakni & Eric Contona by Gianluca Fontana

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There is something deeply enlivening, healing and joyful in observing your being meet a beloved’s being, needs, wants, dreams and wishes with yes and yes and yes again. The magic of effortless, authentic and whole-hearted welcoming of the multi-dimensional wholeness of him is sublime and intoxicating in the best of ways.

Where do I find the words to describe the sensations and delights of feeling, sensing, seeing and hearing his YES to my being? The flutter and waves of energy, feelings and emotions flooding my body due to being wanted in playful delight, ever the blissful recipient of his enchanting presence and giving nature.

Thank you, Love.

Photography by Vadim Stein

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