As memories birth ever new feelings, thoughts, and sensations my present awareness observes it all, while engaging with the beloved friend. Observing the layering of memory born sensations, watching feelings and thoughts scoring initial moments of reconnection, like music enhances and colors a movie. 

First there are excitement and the apprehensive question: how much they will open to engaging and how deep they will choose to go in sharing and bearing their hearts and souls to me. There is a fear and tinge of sadness at the thought of them maybe choosing to be defended or evasive. 

Then there is the warmth of joy at meeting their openness and affection for me. As threads of affection and soul bonds, are enlivened, and light up joy, expands into ecstatic elation. The intensity of elation coinciding with the opening of boxes of forgotten and unintegrated feelings of the past…

And past pain reminds how we fell into unhealthy relating patterns and wounded each other in the past, admonishing me to be especially mindful and compassionate now that I know better. 

Open questions of a past self present themselves to awareness. 

Conscience speaks of how I expressed in an unhelpful, or even harmful, way towards them and initiates expressions of acknowledgment and heartful apologies. 

Old desires, attachments, and longings return to be remembered, known, honored and given a new place or form in this new adventure in relating. 

There is grief for all that could not have been, the unattainable dreams for this connection, and the time and life not shared or journeyed together. 

And making peace with uncomfortable truths and reality as it was and is. 

And as we share where we are in life, what we have learned and unlearned, all is in a gentle flux, seeking to attune to the relating that wants to unfold for us. There are no definitives or set points beyond our reciprocal love, affection, and choice to relate… All else has to grow into a new form, as time shared waters all that had gone underground in months or years of silence or no contact. A fertile void embraces and ambiguity suffuses this renewed relational meeting of souls. New intentions, agreements, and commitments slowly begin to define the bandwidth and intensity of the flow of relating and energy.

Meeting in reciprocal appreciation, playfulness, and engaging in deep soulful exchanges is more than nourishment on all levels of my being, gently washing away distortions and pain from hurtful relating and misperceptions in past relationships, ours and others. 

The gift of reconnecting with special souls goes beyond returning their unique frequency to my experience, it also induces an integration of relational disruptions and hurts. And feeds the knowing that repair is not just possible but also an opportunity for rebirth and renewal in magical and unexpected forms.

Photography by Unknown

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 Today I want to share one of my playful visioning tools of inquiry into my being’s current vision of an aligned beloved and partner:

Give yourself enough undisturbed time for this explorative journey. Make yourself comfortable and drop into your heart, ask her to show you the relationship that makes your heart and soul sing with bliss, utilizing all of your senses make the journey come alive in full sensory high-definition.

When you have connected you can ask the first question below to get more detailed visions, answers, sensations, and knowing. Listen deeply. Let your heart guide you. Write the answers down when you feel your heart’s revelations are complete. Then pose the next question, listen and repeat until all questions have been answered. 

This is not something that is necessary revealed to you in one go. Contemplate your heart’s answers, feel into them, get to know your most tender, sensual, playful, pragmatic, spiritual needs in intimate relating. Keep revisiting this journey as you feel intuitively guided, become as deeply intimate with the felt and sensed frequency of your beloved as you can. Add whatever questions your heart deems important.

Most of all keep it light, playful, dream big, be outrageous in your wishes and dreams, and trust you deserve all that makes your heart come alive and overflow with love.

Acknowledge whatever limiting beliefs, fears or negative memories might come up and let them know you will give them their own time and space but this is not it. Make time to address them some other time with love and compassion. Heal what needs healing, release whatever needs releasing. 

I wish you clarity and a delicious harmonious resonance in communing with your heart, soul and beloved.

What kind of person are they?

Which core qualities do they embody?

How do they embody self love?

How do they live their life?

How do they show up in relationships?

How do they show up in relating to you?

How do they relate to others?

What makes them special to you?

How do you show up in the relationship with them? 

What do you feel like relating to them?

How do they enrich your life?

What makes them a great partner?

Photography by Unknown

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They often took me by surprise, arising mostly in chance encounters that sparkled with a special kind of glitter. But none of these have been as potent and devastatingly glorious as the one I experienced in an old connection teetering between death and rebirth. 

Energy so strong it shook my being to the core, undoing any armoring, blockages and blinders to flood me with all that I had been keeping hidden from my mind. Confronting me with seemingly novel aspects of self, their desires, dreams and passions. Oh their vast passions and depth of strength that arises from them.

Exploding and rippling through me like bolts of lightning, my mind forced into a helpless and confused surrender as the deluge of insights, emotions, sensations and energetic flow, unlocked by this catalytic moment, kept swelling and speaking new truths that held me in numinosity. Not in a religious definition of the term but in the unique quality of feeling that interweaves awe for the beauty of an experience with a hint of trepidation. 

Never did I realize in the headiness of the experience that it was only to be a beginning to a long and confounding process of falling apart in a kaleidoscope of fragments and reuniting into a new wholeness.

Grounding myself and allowing the experience to reveal its medicine, meaning and potentiality took a lot of energy and time as it was but the circumstances and interactions with the catalyst were also meant to trigger old abandonment, betrayal and neglect wounds with a surprising ferocity. And again I surprised parts of me with how well I could multi-task on growing different dimensions of being, perceiving and engaging while ‘carrying water and chopping wood’ as well as most days.

This has to be the most profound catalytic soul connection and activation moment I have experienced in this life. Maybe it has come now as I have developed enough perceptive acuity to know it for what it is, to understand the workings of higher selves and souls enough to recognize their handwriting on this and surrender to the process. A prearranged energetic healing sequence to rip the veils, release emotional hangups, balance karma and free me to walk my path unhindered by limitations and blockages that have fulfilled their teaching capacity. 

The experience has tested my ability to hold space for myself while doing so for another, expanded my capacity of disconnecting old energies and emotions from the reactivity they habitually trigger, and given me an opportunity to practice loving discernment in balancing the needs of another with my own. Making me experience and know the vastness of space within being and the immensity of strength, resilience and equanimity that spring from 

I have visceral knowing of where to draw the boundary when another’s feelings and actions impact my wellbeing negatively without allowing the past to make me feel unloving, shame or wrong in doing so. I know to discern the difference between impulsive self-protection from wounding and boundaries asserted by self love and self care. It has taught me many lessons on the subtle difference between fragility of ego/wounding and tenderness of heart and fed my preference and courage to remain in the latter.

I understand what it takes for me to sustainably hold space for another without causing harm to myself in that process, deepening my commitment to honoring other’s free will and sovereignty with compassion and love and giving me clarity on where the honoring has to be interwoven with justice and standing by higher truths. 

I intuit that this  was also unique in that the effect was not one-sided as previous catalytic experiences had been but a two-way energetic activation. Which makes it even more magical and precious to me. I cannot be sure how my latest catalyst perceived this or if they even have the tools to make sense of it or integrate the effects of the activation as they retreated into silence and disconnection. 

As beloved as they are to my soul and heart their choice to act in ways unworthy of them and myself preclude any contact or connection between us in the human dimension until justice has rebalanced the scales of our relationship. 

Making the decision to uphold the standards of relating in my life towards them was so hard it sent my inner tribe of selves into weeks of inner dissent until the voices of self love managed to unite them eventually in a new peaceful union. Still, walking away was not easy nor something I wanted, in fact it was the opposite of my desire for a deeper more intimate union and bond with them. Yet I know this boundary is part of what I have to embody fully to walk through the portal of ascendence opening through this energetic shift and rebirth. 

“If the full moon loves you, why worry about the stars?” ~ Tunisian Proverb

The Beloved has painstakingly made it visible and visceral to me in the past decade that toxicity often wears the face of family, friends or a beloved and that loving them does not equal sacrificing my heart, needs and wishes to accommodate their presence in my life. He has taught me to prioritize my soul path, wellbeing and visions for life encoded in my being over and over again. It doesn’t get easier to choose me over them as the Beloved ups the ante with every experience. And how else could he make me feel my strength and capacity to be without those who will not stop abusing, betraying, manipulating and disrespecting me?

It hurts me more than I wish to verbalize to have to walk away from those I hold dear, it takes more energy for self-care and healing to get back to balance than I would ever want to expend. But what else is there to do but accept reality as it is and work with it?

There is a deep knowing in my being that this death and rebirth cycle is a quantum leap towards the manifestation of everything my heart desires and I have been working towards for a long, long time. And it is manifesting – with them in the picture or without.

Another precious reminder of this catalytic soul activations is to hold the visions of love, connection and unions with clarity and consistency and to release any attachments to the presence of specific people in it. 

These moments where the Beloved flows through the form of another human to meet me in the physical are some of my most priced jewels of experience, even though they often come with pain and at the price of parts of self and beliefs that I am called to shed and leave behind. 

They are unique and profound moments of enlightenment, treasured gifts of initiation by the Beloved. 

Initiation into deeper union with Self and the Beloved, within as without. 

Therefore I shall keep saying, even when I am down on my knees and feeling the unbearability of death and rebirth, over and over again: 

Unbreak and let me Blossom in Wholeness and Union Beloved

So we may create a higher multidimensional dance of love 

Spiraling and leaping from the heart of consciousness and creation magic

For this is my Soul’s sacred dream and joyful path of the phoenix.

Art: ‘In bloom, not broken’ by Justin Ifill-Forbes, ⁠model: Windela

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There is something deeply enlivening, healing and joyful in observing your being meet a beloved’s being, needs, wants, dreams and wishes with yes and yes and yes again. The magic of effortless, authentic and whole-hearted welcoming of the multi-dimensional wholeness of him is sublime and intoxicating in the best of ways.

Where do I find the words to describe the sensations and delights of feeling, sensing, seeing and hearing his YES to my being? The flutter and waves of energy, feelings and emotions flooding my body due to being wanted in playful delight, ever the blissful recipient of his enchanting presence and giving nature.

Thank you, Love.

Photography by Vadim Stein

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“The waves hit the cliff with more intensity than the shore, because the ocean knows the cliff has that masculine intensity which won’t complain about her feminine energy.” ~ Nityananda Das

If I would have seen the above quote years before I would have laughed and asked to see such a man. The only people I had ever experienced meeting feminine energy in her wild and intense emanation with strength and awareness were a few exceptional women. 

Most people I have met, regardless of their gender, would have complained and fought or denigrated the other even if the feminine energy flowed in a rather mellow way. After all there is a conditioned brittleness and fragility in the way masculine energy in all of us expresses and meets the feminine energy until the energy has been freed from the distortions effected by culture and programming. 

I will admit freely that it takes mastery and a conscious equanimity to stand in the storm of another’s intense energy. And especially so if it is the dark feminine in its intensity. I myself cannot handle it at times and therefore cannot fault anyone who feels overwhelmed or momentarily incapable of dealing with it. These are the moments where we need to own our momentary limitations in meeting the other and self care, not moments to blame the other and/ or project our made up ego storyline on them. That is a messy work in progress.. and challenging.

Last year I learned that what I has taken to be as a “strong man” in my still conditioned/ blind spotted mind was another fragile expression of the masculine energy which in turn had a darkly fascinating way of triggering quite unhealthy reactivities from a distorted feminine energy in me. A loud and clear pointer to the inner work I still needed to do in order to free my inner feminine energy from distortions and to disarm her trigger-happy dysfunction.

I have been immersing myself in deep shadow work and not specifically addressing the above therefore I was quite surprised to witness myself having an inspiring new experience with masculine energy which the above words reminded me of.

Being aware of the distorted egoic game between a shadow-ridden masculine energy and mirroring feminine energy (and vice versa) seems to have created the space for another possibility of relating. It sure helped to have met someone who effortlessly matches my intensity, commitment to self work and who is grounded and stable in areas I am not (yet). A gorgeous mirror and complementary being, a wonderfully passionate and playful partner in this dance of souls, bodies and minds we call relationship.

I was amazed how in one of our conversations the above mentioned energies were triggered and present yet there was a decidedly different quality to this experience. He had the capacity to hold space and meet me with openness, compassion and wisdom even though he felt the intensity of my reactive intensity and wouldn’t let himself be baited into reactivity. He stood calmly in the storm of my emotions and helped me stay connected with him while allowing my emotions and thoughts to move through me. Did I ever mention that I have a massive weakness for guys capable of conscious meta dialogues in the midst of emotional fires and storms? Oh my heart, even sensing the possibility of observing together what unfolds as it happens is amazing but truly experiencing a man capable of holding space and standing up to me… I was floored.

To have a passionate discussion and weaving in and out of the dimension and knowing of our union and observing patterns playing out with equal compassion and self compassion is so precious to me. What an epic moment of self mastery and so much sweeter by sharing it with a beloved!

This is huge for me. Having had to deal with multiple layers of trauma laying siege to my nervous system and an intergenerational familial culture of heated debates and fights instead of calm discussions… every moment I can move beyond all of that and get closer to acting like the loving and caring essence of my being is beyond words. 

I feel so much gratitude for all who helped me get here, my teachers, guides, ancestors, the hard work I have put in, the beautiful man that is taking me and my nervous system to a this new dimension of trust and safety and allowing me to experience my expanded resilience and all the people who came before and showed me how unhelpful and wrong my protective patterns have been. But most of all I thank Source for guiding me along this wondersome path of integration and self leadership.

And I need to point out that this experience wouldn’t be possible if the man I shared this experience with had not tempered his energies and ego with self work and met me equally in his masculine power and feminine receptivity. I feel grateful and honored to learn from this gracious soul. 

It is fascinating to me to observe how quickly my system began to mirror his temperance and open to more vulnerability and trust “simply” by him holding that energy so well. He wouldn’t even know or say that that was what he was doing because to him it probably is just what he does. Sometimes we can be blind to the extent of our greatness and the gift our being is to another.

A beautiful moment of possibility and connection in-midst of the intensity of pain, vulnerability and love.

A moment which gives me hope that this raging ocean in me might have found a veritable cliff after all and not a sandy shoreline masking as a cliff… enabling the vast possibility of a truly passionate dance in all of our forms, allowing all aspects to play and be free flowing as we live and love one another.

Only time will tell… but even if this one moment was all there is to this connection, I would already be immensely grateful. Fortunately there is much more and it seems that way more is meant to come our way and I cannot wait for my next lesson from my personal love guru.

Photography by Unknown

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“in the in-between spaces of being, in the multitude of questions with no answers yet, in the disconcerting not-knowing i will meet your rawness in its multi-facetted beauty with tenderness. in the training grounds of compassion and love i will meet your growing trust and brightening light with delight. in the eye of the storm of your fears i will meet your excitement and dance with your spirit… in your vulnerability and openness i surrender to you in love’s embrace. beloved, will you meet me there?”

~ 05.02.2013

Photography: Dennis Carney and Essex Hemphill by Rotimi Fani Kayode, London 1988

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I have a soul deep yearning for the light in his eyes, the brilliant vivaciousness of his voice and the warmth with which his heart held all of me.

Today I am being pulled to you with a gentle ferocity, your heart calling me back to you, to emotional fulfillment and visions of a higher form of relationship only the two of us could co-create.

And so I sit here and hold space as waves of feelings, images and thoughts come and fill the house of my soul with heart wrenching beauty.

I tell myself I will not resist nor will I grasp at any of this to give it a label or make sense of it in words or concepts, I remind myself to open myself wholly to these feelings, to let every cell embody them and vibrate with the miracle tones of our connection.

My mind is lost for words as none of this makes any sense. 

How do such feelings arise with such unfathomable intensity and trueness without the slightest indication of their existence for years? Where did they lay in slumber? Were they biding their time till I was ready for them? Are these feelings mine alone or are you feeling this too? 

I dare not allow my mind to wonder about these things too much as I would not want the magic of this mysterious experience to be lessened by its clumsy attempts at making sense of it.

I have no idea if this is just mama Venus sprinkling her magic of healing on the past to close it out on a sweet note or if this is a rebirth and rekindling. 

I just know that my heart longs to be united with yours in more than the spiritual dimension and that I will leave it up to you and Source to decide.

And so I surrender to this longing and welcome whatever it means or does not mean.

Photography: Unknown

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With eyes of awe and a heart overflowing with gratitude and love I gave myself to revisiting memories of K. who shall forever have a special place in my heart and memory for ours was one of the two “healing” relationships I have had in my life. The kind that come into your experience to create the space in which you can reclaim aspects of yourself and do so in the most safe, loving, expansive and healing container. Different to “learning” relationships where there is more tension and conditional or limited safety to make for another kind of learning.

He is by far the most beautiful man I have loved, inside and out. And when I say beautiful it is an understatement for he is radiantly gorgeous! I wished I had words worthy of describing the outstanding quality of love and embodied presence this man brought to my life and heart.

Relating with him allowed me for the first time in a love relationship to be unfiltered, authentically me and know I was safe and loved no matter what I did and said. And I mean KNOW deep down in my bones and from countless experiences. Very different to other guys who you hope can take most of you as your gut keeps signalling they can’t until they prove you right and let you down.

The only lover, man and being I have told my sexual abuse experiences in full and multi-dimensional details and who could listen, be present and himself without burdening me with his pity, discomfort, insecurities or framing me as broken. A man who could make me laugh through any sadness or tears and kick my ass intellectually while expanding my horizons.

The differences in our preferences, life styles, interests or challenges of our circumstances never touched or took away from the love, respect and adoration I felt and feel for him. And that is saying a lot for me.

One whose love style was totally mirroring mine in that he never held back parts of himself and gave all of himself and constantly worked on being a better partner… though he did it in a more elevated and integrated way than I could at that time. To this day he remains the only guy I sensed was fully open, honest and transparent in all things with me. Trusting him was easy and relying on him was not disappointed.

He got me on my knees owning that I had still much healing and growth to do until I could match him in his unparalleled nigh unconditional relating and capacity of lovingly setting boundaries to follow his heart’s desires.  And though I choose to walk away from him and the challenges of our long distance relationship in order to focus on healing, growing and sorting out my familial karma… my love for him has not faded, to the contrary it deepened and expanded as the years went by.

This love we are does not necessitate us to be a couple or in touch, being born of freedom and spaciousness as it is. I am happy to just know he is on this planet being his luminous and gorgeous self, loving with all of his being and expressing his magnificent soul with so much play and creativity it is a well of inspiration to all who know or observe him.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and the way he lights up my life like no other ever could. And yet I respect the circumstances that parted our paths, the fullness of the lives created which do not allow for the level of meaningful connection we both enjoy and want to share in friendships or more. And I trust our reality now to be perfect as it is, in its service to our soul’s journeys.

I hope this makes you recall when and by whom you have most blissfully been loved and whom you love(d) with all your heart.. or lets you know that outstanding and blissful relationships are possible even if you have a lot of growing and healing to do!

Photography: Raul Bova by Adriano Russo

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here in this beautiful now i am standing alone at the precipice of a new life. a life you might become a part of or a life in which you might turn into a transient memory slowly fading away as the years roll by. only time can tell what it will be and so i widen my heart to love you more fully because now is all we have for sure and because you are the one i hope life chose to be mine…


yet every time my love for you deepens i have to make myself let go more – let go of my attachment to wanting to be with you, let go of my imagining a common future and let go of my minds obsession with thoughts of you. 

never have i felt the impermanence of life and my vulnerability more than in my love for you. there are uncried tears in my eyes when i smile at you, a melancholy coloring my joy and laughter as the writings on the wall tell me to open my hands and let you go… then my hands slowly let go as i do not want to lose you!

“To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.“ 
~ Lao Tzu

I wrote these words 4 years ago. Reminding me of relationship and love  transformational and elegant in its uniqueness. A man I still adore and love deeply even if our paths parted and we are no longer connected on a human level.

I had the honor of learning to open my heart in the face of fears, uncertainty, to allow for my vulnerability and let it all in, surrendering fully to the impermanence of our human experiences while embracing the eternity of love with an exceptional being.

I had let you go as you did me and yet I love and hold you more deeply today than I was capable of then my beloved K..

With gratitude, love and blessings for all you have been, are and will be!

Photography: Unknown

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