“Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture, males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.”
~ Bell Hooks

Photography: Tribesmen in the Masai Mara, Kenya, by David Lazar

The post Caring about Men appeared first on Venuskind.

I had witnessed with increasing awareness the emotional charge held in my body around men denigrating themselves or acting out of integrity due to feelings of inferiority and lack of worth. 

So when this pattern crossed my awareness in a meditative introspection today I asked to see its roots. Opening myself to feeling, sensing and knowing whatever might arise with gentle curiosity and acceptance. 

The first images, emotions and knowing that emerged were of my father as he was in my toddler years. I felt his weakness, discomfort at feeling inadequate, not measuring up and feeling less than my mother. I felt the urge to control it by posturing as secure and invoking biblical hierarchy to gain authority whenever he found himself questioned by my mother. I saw my mother and her strength as well as her intense and unforgiving expectations of integrity of herself and others and the lack of gentleness and understanding.

After observing and delving deeper into those memories and sensations I asked both for forgiveness for using their emotive, sensate and spoken experience to hurt myself and forgave them for bringing their unresolved issues to my innocent being.

When I felt into my body I sensed a lessening of sensations of contraction and heat but also sensed chords painfully tugging at my solar plexus and sacral chakra. Touching them I asked to be lead to their origin and suddenly patriarchal concepts and beliefs started surfacing in my mind. Letting me realize, once again, how deeply ingrained and alive this toxic programming is even after decades of self work.

I waited till I got a sense of having received all related beliefs with their corresponding emotions and images.. then I invoked memories of men whom I had uncomfortably experienced in such a state recently, sitting with the memories and feelings while asking myself why it hadn’t allowed for my natural empathy and compassion to flow towards them, asking to be led to the origin of this. And my emotional reactions of disgust, repulsion and rejection lead me to my shadow aspects of weakness and cowardice, my numbness and coldness to a blockage of my natural empathy by subconscious beliefs and rationalizations of their unworthiness and the underlying fear of touching into the shame and pain I felt and encapsulated from moments of weakness and cowardice of my own. 

It was easy to release the patriarchal beliefs but quite painful to embrace my lack of compassion, to own the pain and harm this has caused the men I had engaged with. It took a while to get to the point where I was able to forgive myself and integrate weakness and cowardice as parts of my self expression. Disarming my defense to owning, accepting and laughing about myself being in any of these states and letting go of the contractions, tensions and judgements by bringing self-compassion and love to it all and my affected chakras.

I am grateful to have a multitude of tools of inquiry, knowing and intuitive integration of unconscious and painful dualities within me. I bow in gratitude to the healer in me, my countless teachers and ancestral helpers along my path.

A profound sadness enfolds me as I reflect on the intricate web of contradictory beliefs, judgements and blockages the patriarchal cultures have seeded and grown in us. My heart hurts for the messages of unworthiness men have to live with internally and which are consciously and subconsciously being reflected back to them by all of us (not just male code and men). 

To witness how deeply we have been and are being manipulated and affected in our psycho-social being and relating by distorting programs meant to divide and oppress us in a multitude of ways and our co-creative part in it is hard. To have to own the responsibility in upholding, reaffirming and fueling patriarchy even though my conscious beliefs and principles are not aligned with it in the least saddens me and equally fuels my intention to keep doing my work.

And I wonder how I will meet feelings of inferiority in a man next time I encounter them.

What lies in my power to help heal this distorted perception in the other? 

Have I done sufficient work to no longer hold that distortion in me? 

Can I make it my conscious practice to bring the reality and frequency of worthiness and wholeness to the men I engage from a truthful perception and reflection of their being? 

How do I engage or gently disengage when someone is not willing, ready or capable to do the work and embrace their worthiness? 

How can being a silent witness be of service or is silence enabling?

When will we collectively end the torturous patterns embedded in our patriarchal programming?

This is just a small part of the processes of integration and unification of dualities those walking a similar path are being called to keep up and reverberating into the field. Cleansing ourselves and the collective with love and consciousness from the distortions of the controller matrix is an ongoing process. Every little moment of insight and healing is rippling out into the collective consciousness and changing the frequency of reality and calling in new timelines of healthier relating and being. 

May humanity keep rising above the evil interwoven into our psyches.

Photography by Marcus Branch

The post Male Feelings of Inferiority and Patriarchy appeared first on Venuskind.

he was beautiful though not my type – whatever that is. something about him triggered my interest and when we started talking made me instantly switch into playfulness. my curiosity happily leapt at the prospect of exploring the vast depth i sensed behind these irresistibly blue eyes. underneath his reserved behavior i could sense the openness of his spirit and a lovely awareness connected with mine in fascination.


oh the infinite possibilities of one moment…
until something prompted him to disconnect.


leaving me wondering why some let such moments go by as if there are millions of them to be had every day? don’t they understand these moments are gifts meant to be explored and enjoyed in all their colorful nuances? it does’t mean you are promising a rose garden, just being fully in the moment and opening yourself to the surprises hidden in it.


another beautiful moment faded unexplored into oblivion…
men and their behavior never cease to fascinate me! 

Photography by Caitlin Worthington

The post Moment appeared first on Venuskind.

I have been committed to working on being a better friend, lover and partner. Therefore it has saddened me to realize and own how deeply my conditioning has distorted my perceptions of our being and my capacity of relating with you.

Allow me to apologize, again, for all the ways I was blind to, infringed upon or denied your sovereignty, for the unloving and hurtful actions and patterns I mistook as expressions of love, care and friendship. Please forgive me my actions, words and ignorance!

Allow me to propose rebuilding our connection as fellow sovereign beings, meeting each other in equality, honor, consciousness, playfulness, compassion and kindness. Creating a new foundation of relating which holds both of us to higher expressions of our being and creates spaciousness for sharing and co-creating the evolution of our beings and self expressions.

In order to manifest this new paradigm of being with each other we need to set a couple of intentions and ground rules. Intentions to open us for a more embodied beingness and ground rules meant to keep us from falling back into old patterns of unconsciousness we have explored to our fill.

My intention is to show up with these qualities, give and receive as much as is aligned with our sovereignty and the highest outcome for all:

• with knowing and honor of our sovereignty
• with an open heart and mind
• with presence, love and freedom
• with honesty, integrity and respect
• by loving you in freedom and commitment to your unfolding
• by celebrating your magnificence and unique youness
• by sharing joys and pleasures
• by facing and lighting the darkness by your side
• by sharing insights and knowing
• by holding space for your self work
• by shining light on your blind spots when necessary
• by co-creating a life of vision and inspiration
• by supporting the manifestation of your dreams
• by asking and receiving your help
• by helping you if you ask for it and need it
• by nurturing you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually
• by allowing you to nurture me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually
• by exploring the whole range of experiences, emotions, challenges and moments of bliss we can co-create together

My invitation to you is to meet me there by showing up with a committed co-creative spirit and by mirroring the intentions listed. This shall unlock doors that have remained closed in previous years. Doors opening to greater freedom, ease, connection, understanding, joy, bliss and so much more.

Unfortunately I cannot end here as our egoic selves need clear reminders what cannot and will not be on the menu any longer as we are creating the change our hearts have been longing for. So see the following as a message to your lower self and mine equally.

These are the things I am not willing to be and which need to be understood if we are to be friends or maybe even more:

• I am not your emotional dumping ground or externalized emotional processing service
• I am not in indentured servitude to you as a cook, cleaner, therapist, prostitute or caretaker
• I am not any kind of secret of yours – illicit or otherwise
• I am not yours, you do not decide for me or hold sway over my innate freedom
• I am not one you will lie to or betray and hope to get away with it
• I am not one you can use to make yourself feel small and unlovable
• I am not one you can use for self-aggrandizing ego games
• I am not one who will coddle you or stroke your ego
• I am not a silent witness of your self sabotage
• I am not your guru
• I am not your savior

If you can wholeheartedly agree to these ways of relating and being with one another as they align with your desires and visions, I welcome you once again to walking this wonderfully messy and magical life path with me.

If you feel this needs additions, clarifications, changes or negotiations I shall listen with an open heart and work with you on a framework that feel aligned to both of us. I will always (strive to) honor your assertion of sovereignty.

If you cannot step into your sovereignty, I will accept and let you go with gratitude for the moments or years we shared and most of all with love and best wishes for the path you chose.

And please do yourself the kindness not to pretend to accept and then play at coaxing or gaslight me into old relating patterns. You will taste the deep cuts of my sword of truths as I am unapologetically fierce with those who disrespect and try to play games with me.                                                                                                          Spare us the unnecessary drama and yourself the pain, will you? Thank you!

In parting I bow in recognition to all who choose to take up and wear their crown and sword with grace!

Photo: Iain Glen by Joey L.

The post Letter to the Men in my Life appeared first on Venuskind.

The spiritual path is not all love and light as most of us know from experience and others are about to find out — especially in the earlier stages of our awakening process. The joy of having found truth and meaning that resounds within our hearts is often accomplished with layers upon layers of disillusionment as the untruths of our lives become glaringly obvious and unavoidable.

One aspect we do not talk much about is how our individual spiritual practice and awakening affects our intimate relationships.

In my life, traveling to Bali and being brought back to life by its magical energy and the power of meditation and yoga has had a profound transformational effect on my intimate relationships by my choice and commitment.

Contemplating about my life made it very clear to me that I was unfulfilled and unhappy in my life and relationships, no matter how much I loved my then partners. And I had a clear intuition that I needed to be single to be able to focus on my inner work and healing and not use my partners as an excuse and distraction from it.

After spending a third of my life with my longterm partner it was quite a surprising and rewarding adventure to reacquaint myself with myself in a non-coupled and non-other-pleasing-state. 

That is when a deepening of my journey into introspection, spiritual practice, self knowledge and self love took off.

I met amazing men on this journey whom I am honored to call brothers and friends, who have allowed me to see through their eyes, partake in their perceptions of life and relating in novel and insightful ways. Which is saying a lot because I had pretty amazing poly partners and friends with whom I had been having deep ongoing exchanges on the male experience, relationships, sexuality, communication and more. Later I would see that my poly friends were very versed in relationship, communication sciences, reflective, knowledgable about their emotions and psyche  though not as connected with their hearts, spirit and energetic aspects as my spiritual friends were who in turn were often lacking in the strengths of my poly brethren.

7 years of single life with fluctuating, changing and shifting attitudes towards intimate relationships, sexuality and men as conditionings and programming on gender, relationships, sexuality and romanticism were dismantled. Years of magical encounters turning into friendships, playful moments of connection which had a defined ending date by virtue of travel schedules, beautiful connections that felt like they could be my next longterm relationship but turned sour, etc., all of which came to me as teachers and catalysts on my healing path.

I realized it would be hard to meet someone and build a relationship worthy of my energy and time while I was traveling without and within. When you are constantly falling apart and pulling yourself together in a new form, oscillating through your days and weeks it is hard to keep up a connection unless it is of the lightest and non-attached kinds. 

What is more I was working my way through healing many of the relational traumas of this life, my ancestral line and karmic accumulated burdens in intimate relating. I know, I chose to incarnate into this life to clear all of this and other darkness surrounding my entry into this body.

While going through my healing and integration work I recognized quite a few narratives that are distortions of the collective conditioning we share and which sadly reverberate in the New (C)age community.

“We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Why does the New Age still hold people hostage to ideas of heteronormativity conveniently treating the energetic gender principle as if it was the conditioned matrix gender? I dislike using the terms like “divine/inner feminine” or “divine/inner masculine” because so many cannot read it without the toxic matrix conditioning of gender. Often I will choose to say yin or yang because with those terms people get that this is describing types of energy signatures and not human traits. But this is a rant for another time.

Why do so few spiritual teachers talk about the fluidity of our paths and the changes we go through in this life? Why uphold the monogamous ideal of having just one partner or staying with them for a lifetime as the ultimate ideal? I cannot help but see in it unreflected Judeo-Christian religious programming in need of elevation by the law of one and spiritual teachings like the hermetic principles for a higher and less distorted perception of reality. 

Humans do change and evolve, rigid relational systems that do not allow for the change and expansion of the people in it or at least offer tools to help them relate and overcome times of dissonance are not aligned with our reality. To uphold narrow definitions and ideals of monogamy and glorification of duration of a relationship is to create a matrix of suffering for others.

Don’t get me wrong I have no attachment to any relationship style or configuration as being better or higher, my vision is to see every human to be free to choose, live and thrive in consensual, loving and expansive relationships or not.

And what is especially painful, yet a reality many have faced is when our growth paces are no longer aligned and we do not find ways to bridge the ever growing gap between us. There is no “one dogma fits all” in this. Everyone has to assess if staying with their partner or moving on is the right thing for their soul and the souls of their children. Discerning if the gap and dissonance of vibrating on different levels is just an interim phenomenon or the sign of a more permanent misalignment is impossible for the mind. These deep levels of discernment necessitate us to connect with the wisdom of our bodies and the guidance of our higher selves. These conversations and contemplations take time and cannot be rushed nor should we feel bad about the time we stayed although we knew it wasn’t serving us.

Sometimes staying serves us complete a cycle of healing or integration we might not be aware of but we will know when the time to move on has come, the clear alignment of all our parts in telling us to go. And man, it is scary to leave the security of the familiar to step into the unknown! 

But there is no alternative to stepping repeatedly into the void, the unknown, if growth and service to Life/Source/the divine is our goal.

“I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other.” ~Virginia Satir

My wish for us to create ways of connecting and relating intimately with each other without a need to own, limit or encase ourselves in constructs of the mind arises from my fundamental values of love, sovereignty, honesty and freedom.

My dream would be to live in a world or community of beings who have let go of the tyranny of religious and cultural constructs to explore, live and learn from their individual embodied soul expression with utmost love, curiosity and care for each other. 

Living in a consciousness and value system which honors loving relationships, regardless of their duration, constellations and type. 

Capable of Un-coupling when our paths are diverting, honoring the beloved teacher and divine in the other as we accept the completion and fulfillment of our union in this now.

Meeting each other in our sovereignty and loving one other without reserve, not just as long as our relationships last, but for eternity.

Letting it be love for Self in us and the other which works on bridging gaps between us or moving apart, whatever is intuitively right in the now.

Letting us drop the negativity and fear based programming around sexuality and learning to approach and enjoy our sexuality with playful, creative, passionate and sacred awe.

Learning to merge our energies on many different levels of our being and taste the diverse flavors of uniting Self with Self with love and in ever new and joyful ways.

A collective of sovereign, loving and powerful creators immersed in a joyful and passionate dance of love exploring itself.

My insights and reflections won’t necessary align with yours as we may have different incarnational trajectories, missions and soul paths chosen for this life… only you know your path and what is right for you. This is simply a sharing and invitation for reflection and exchange.

Art: Dreams of Scorpion Heart by Cameron Grey

The post The Spiritual Path & Intimate Relationships appeared first on Venuskind.

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.” 

~ Bell Hooks 

You could change the gender and see the same and related coping mechanisms in way too many humans who are partly of wholly emotionally unavailable.

The wounds of rejection and abandonment by our primary caretakers profoundly shift our relationship with love in deeply subconscious and sometimes even conscious ways. Our definitions and ideas of love and relating are skewed and distorted by the experiences we had in our early childhood. The healing and transcendence of our unhelpful coping strategies and misperceptions can only happen in relationships just as the wounds happened in relationships, which of course is a challenge as we usually attract mostly people who will repeat our past experiences and not be wise companions for our healing journey as long as we live from subconscious patterns we blind ourselves to.

Even in making our woundings and patterns conscious we will be attracting those who will repeat our past dynamics and hurts with us, offering us a chance to find new and healthier responses to such occurrences. The degree to which we have developed self acceptance and self love and inner strength defines how much emotional resilience we will have in coping with situations and challenges taking us back to our core wounds.

I have encountered many men who play out complex or twisted unconscious coping games who are adamant that their relationships with their primary caretakers were nothing but loving and perfect. Often emotionally unavailable as they live in a disconnect from their emotions, though they might believe themselves to be connected to them. Those whose ego keeps them in the belief of all being fair and “normal” are the hardest people to be in relationships with, as you clearly see their drama play out while they remain decidedly blind and in denial. Many a conversation, tearful moments and sleepless nights of my life has been wasted on making sense of it of trying to find a way to help them see, make them understand. And yet almost all attempts were to no avail. It took me many years of self work to not allow such painful relationships to last and keep shredding my heart.

These days I leave these men the moment I realize that they are incapable of stepping into a meta level of reflecting on their own behaviors and words. And really who am I to change their survival strategies when they are not ready to let them go? Who am I to dictate their soul’s timing for healing?

I chose to honor our shared sovereignty, the rightness of our individual journeys and to love and honor myself, my needs and wants in relating by loving such beautiful but troubled souls from a distance. There is no denigration in accepting that we are incompatible and do not relate in ways that assure loving and joyful growth and expansion with each other.  I trust that both of us will find others better suited for our unique needs and trajectories.

Unfortunately some men choose to react in immature and unworthy ways as they frame my retreat in their ongoing narrative of unlovability, (ab)using me in their mental self harm rituals. Which truly saddens me but I no longer waste my precious lifetime on trying to change what is. I can see these patterns clearly because my ego has been doing the same often enough to teach me. See, there is no judgement just clear observations and definitely no mincing of words to protect fragile egos which limit and torture. 

I have my own patterns and failings in relating therefore I appreciate those who bring them to my awareness, and I point to the dysfunctional patterns I see if I care for someone and believe they are capable and willing to deal with those things. In my world it is seen as a gift of love to shine a light on these things. 

If you prefer to live in Lalaland and not be made aware of subconscious patters I will accept it but it will exclude you from being in my inner circle and world if you are new. In my world everything is about awareness, consciousness, respect, truth, honesty and growth – if you do not bring these to the table you have to keep it moving, simple.

Photography: Unknown

The post Emotionally Unavailable appeared first on Venuskind.

Men. It is imperative that we respect a woman’s “No”.

Bow to it. Really really hear it.

And if her “No” brings us pain and discomfort, it is imperative that we own that pain, take full responsibility for it. That we give ourselves full permission to feel disappointed, rejected, sad, afraid, abandoned. That we own these uncomfortable feelings, and do not ‘take them out’ on her in our search for discharge and relief.

We acknowledge our own vulnerability. We breathe into the tender and fiery sensations in the belly, chest, throat.
We protect her from our rage and control and passive aggressiveness. We protect ourselves too.

When we are connected to ourselves, we will not judge or shame her for her feelings, needs, boundaries. We will not find ourselves trying to control her, persuade her, fix or advise or ‘heal’ her.

(Spiritual gurus, please take note!)

We will never, ever call her ‘afraid’ or ‘weak’ or ‘trapped in ego’.

We will deeply respect her God-given right to do and say what is best for her. To tell her raw truth. To want us to come closer, or to come no closer. To set limits. To say “this is not okay for me”.

It is imperative to listen. To listen without assumptions.

And we will, in turn, be respecting our own right to say no, to have boundaries, to protect ourselves, to value and trust and express our own feelings of safety and unsafety.

Boundaries do not shut others out – they help us connect, get to know each other, protect our vulnerability, build trust, and keep us safe.

We are all One, all the same, and yet we live in different worlds, and we are so different, and so we have to listen to each other. Boundaries help us navigate this gorgeous paradox.

Boundaries are love, in form.

I love it when people say “No” to me. It feels so honest. I love their freedom. Their autonomy. Their truth. As I love my own.

~ Jeff Foster

Art: Team Lab, Transcending Boundaries immersive installation

The post The Beauty of Boundaries appeared first on Venuskind.

“Women have been sacrificed throughout history, yet we women are today sacrificing the feminine on a large scale within. And then we are blaming the masculine. We want to offer our deepest apologies to man for all the hurt we have caused you.

We carry anger for past abuse, and unconsciously we are punishing the masculine even when you show up as love. We lead you on and reject you sexually. In our wounds we don’t see and honor your sexuality as sacred and beautiful. In this way we are feeding into the cycle of wounding between the genders.

We have denied our power, given it away, blamed you for taking it and we have forgotten to embrace our femininity. Through various conditioning of society and not following our hearts, wombs and intuition to flourish and blossom, through our forgetfulness and avoidance we have denied both men and women liberation.

In our bitterness and feminine starvation we empower ourselves by making you small and ridiculous. We speak of the masculine with contempt and disrespect and instead we took it upon ourselves to compete with men, when this was a futile competition to start with.

We want to loudly and clearly commit to supporting each others as sisters to break these destructive patterns so that we all, both men and women can re-member, re-integrate, re-marry, and re-unite with awakening love to create the balance and harmony on earth we all so deserve. Now is the time.”
~ Chameli Ardagh & Stella Fairbairn

Healing is an inside job beginning with the integration of all aspects of our selves, it necessitates us to take full responsibility and to step out of a victim mindset regardless of gender.
We have to learn to address the dysfunctionalities of our relationships and world without reverting into blame, shame and guilt which so conveniently spare us to own our shadow and part in co-creating what we are lamenting.
Rising from our woundings does not lead us past survival to thriving and peace if we do not honor and unite the masculine and feminine we hold within, which will lead to honoring and finding common ground without.

The post Women appeared first on Venuskind.