In the beginning of my non-monogamous journey I would spend endless hours with fellow adventurers trying to verbalize the nature of attraction I experienced with different people and the qualities of connection available with them. Ever since these early days I have observed and explored these further in encounters, engagements, and moments of relating that had the feel of meaningfulness. 

And I celebrate every new nuance or version I am experiencing. Appreciating the gift of novelty and variety life presents me in its unceasing generosity.

You become just one more thing screaming for attention; your attractiveness will pass unless you spark the more enduring kind of spell that makes people think of you in your absence. ~ Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

A Recent Experience

As I came across the above quote the mystery of a recently experienced attraction began to reveal more of its occult nature.

I had felt an intense attraction and feeling of peaceful and blissful alignment in meeting someone, inciting a desire for intimacy and connection. Which they only sparingly allowed for, never opening enough to allow me to feel truly connected and in flow with them. That masterfully played into and triggered old patterns created by neglect, rejection, and abandonment in my earliest years.

And I am aware that it is these inner dynamics that make walking away challenging, not the attraction or a deeper feeling of connection and fondness for the complex beauty of them. In reflecting and gently liberating myself from this ‘disconnect’ I am gaining awareness of subtle layers to the attraction that had drawn me into it.

Once I shone the light of awareness the faux overlay on reality aka projection, created by this pattern to keep me engaged, starts fading and makes the emptiness and potential for harm embedded in it visible to the mind. It no longer blinds me to their turning away from bids for connection or cold/frozen facial expressions (rejection), their self absorption and lack of regard for me as a sovereign being, the manipulative nature of their sparing expressions of care (control), their discomfort with emotions, repression of them, and the tell-tale oscillation between aloof numbness and powerless over-identification with emotions, resulting in victimhood and feelings of (misdirected) resentment. 

And as my internal glamour fades and wounded parts of me try to fervently to hold on to the illusion of connection, their system responds by revealing more of their coiling darkness through more starkness, coldness, absence (the opposite of presence in a spiritual sense), and the lack of attempts at kindness (end of manipulation). Until it eventually express in casual abject cruelty (feeling defeated and angry).

That being the final wake-up call alerting even my most delusional and wounded aspects to the fact that love is not available here, just more pain.

“One rarely falls in love without being as much attracted to what is interestingly wrong with someone as what is objectively healthy.” ― Alain de Botton

My mind is drawn back to the initial feeling of attraction, dissecting it, over and over, to lay bare its nature. Reminding me that to understand means to begin to transcend. To name means to disempower. To analyze its pattern means to know the weaknesses to be exploited in service of healing. Yet it leads to not much but the most superficial avail, this experience is born out of the subconscious, which the waking mind cannot enter nor ever truly know. It is awareness alone that can enter, illuminate, and transform unknown rooms within the palace of being.

As the relating was happening and I was mesmerized by trauma, I had wondered why this attraction never had the power of creating a gateway for love, and why it ceased to be present in the physical absence of them. A phenomenon that baffled me and yet managed to get lost in feelings of exhaustion and a need to reenergize after encounters. Why did I feel good in their company and only became aware of serious depletion after encounters? What malarky was at play here?

“I was always attracted not by some quantifiable, external beauty, but by something deep down, something absolute. Just as some people have a secret love for rainstorms, earthquakes, or blackouts, I liked that certain undefinable something directed my way by members of the opposite sex. For want of a better word, call it magnetism. Like it or not, it’s a kind of power that snares people and reels them in.” ― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun 

Attraction of Deprivation

There is a type of attraction that is more powerful and blinding than any other, one that pulls me under into the realm of unconsciousness and trauma. The entrancing toxicity of the sirens call of deprivation changes the state of mind and body, the familiar feel of one, who gladly withholds emotional flow and vulnerability, controls relating, and avoids intimacy is an embodied invitation to healing to me. A heady attraction meant to render all shortcomings in the other, dysfunctionalities of dynamics shared, and the poor way it makes me feel and show up – though visible and known, confoundingly inconsequential, i.e. until it has done its work and I have entered the process of awakening and liberating.

It has been a while since I have encountered this dark gem of an attraction, enough time to let me forget its pattern and nature to a degree that made me susceptible enough to its lure.

And it is the foundation of deprivation and its function as a blesson (lesson and blessing) that rendered this attraction incapable of rooting in love. The lack of emotional flow, which felt painful and confusing, was at the core of the blessing ensuring that extrication from this would be easy and gentle on my heart. After all it generally is the emotional bond that makes it hard for my heart to let go, in its absence my heart aches in a different and less harrowing way. It ached with the pain of exclusion, letting go of an illusion, anguish over the legacy of pain inflicted long ago, and the sadness about the abuse being visited on the one armoring and hardening their heart as well as others. 

The Hidden Seed 

But this time had something special, a spin if you like, to not only draw me in but make me stay long enough in the experience to dislodge and purge more of the old pain and confusion while seeding something unexpected. A little treasure hidden in midst of the murkiness, the seed of a lotus meant to grow and transmute this mud into beauty.

A ‘usual’ wound-mate or trauma bond would not have made me stay long enough in the encounter, a novelty had to be thrown into the mix to keep me coming back in curiosity and fascination with this unknown dimension of experience. 

And what could be more powerful than initiating the unlocking of a dimension of physical connectivity I have never experienced before. Not lust, not emotional connectivity, not spiritual highs but a clear and expansive sense of total physical safety and openness with another. Something that has almost an addictive quality to the parts of me, who lived thanks to early sexual abuse in an ongoing protective stance and vigilance until this encounter.

It is hard to let go of the first one feeling safe enough to let these guards down, open up, breathe, and open to pleasure as I have never before. To let go of the opportunity which allowed me to open up and play where the most painful abuse of innocence and pleasure had happened has been a feat for this wounded aspect of me. Especially as it did so without falling into the darkness of victimhood.

But this is a moment that speaks to the level of integration, loyalty and love in my tribe of selves. Their compassion and love for each other allows this wounded aspect to let go, trusting the guidance and love of the other selves who seek disconnection on the basis of self compassion and love. The other selves commiserate with the aspect and its feeling of loss, while being committed to creating new experiences of this flavor in healthier and more loving connections to come.

I sense the activation in this experience, the beginning of an unraveling of this aspect of my embodied experience. An opening of what had been contracted in fear and self protection for decades. An opening that allows awareness and mind to work in connecting these aspects with my core, the core that lives in indelible trust in and alignment with life. To strengthen inner reconnection and enlivening of what was once severed. 

Well played dear universe, I see what you did there!

“If you know how to make good use of the mud, you can grow beautiful lotuses.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

This is But a Beginning

I know there are many layers and blessings in this experience, much more than my mind can make sense of or put words to right now. As time goes by, and the transformative and expansive effects alchemically change my perceptions, more insights and revelations are sure to follow. This is one of the gifts that keep on giving when met with open-hearted awareness.

A new cycle of unlearning and learning has begun with the ending of this encounter. Walking away activated the process of rebirthing and reworking deep inside, it has summoned a network of beloveds to come closer and share in this journey, and opened the floodgates of love and emotional flow. It took a conscious choice to open wide, counter-instinctively, and intentionally create more present, vulnerable, and raw exchanges with beloveds, new connections, and random encounters. 

And I keep hearing my indifferent self remind me ‘what is wounded in relating, heals in relating’ whenever I feel like contracting. She is reminding me to choose flow over protection, authenticity over playing to social scripts, and heartfulness over cold intellectuality.

I am hearing the clear call of intuitive guidance as it directs me towards new adventures and experiences while awareness is redecorating and making some of the unknown rooms of my palace of being conscious. I shall joyfully follow the bread crumb trail of Soul and Self in our magical game of embodied mystic adventures.

I bow in gratitude and promise to keep opening myself to novel attractions. 

Art by Unknown

The post Alchemizing appeared first on Venuskind.

With changes to my cosmology, the way I make sense of existence and my experiences, a lot has changed in my perceptions and being on this journey. I have reclaimed generously loving and caring aspects of me which were locked away for protection from a culture which tended to run rough shod over sensitivities and emotional realities of those who did not align with the mythical norm of ‘normal’ that was upheld. Being unable to live from these loving and open-hearted aspects has cut me off from my aliveness – to the point of clinical depression. Which is why I am committed to living and loving from the abundance of my core, even if it incurs pain or conflict.

It lies in the nature of the human state that we adapt to a given circumstance as other skills and abilities adapted to absent circumstances begin to fade. But on the spiritual path another dimension is added to this as the journeyer rebirths new versions of their being by integrating what was split off and changing internal hierarchies of aspects to move from egocentric to Self-led being. As the shifts are usually quite subtle we only realize the nature and form of changes when confronted with novel experiences and observe our capacity to respond and spaciousness in the moment. Old skills will be called upon to manifest in a new form, letting us stretch and strive to find a more fluid and adaptive way of embodying them. We learn to embrace a pause between trigger and response while internally redirecting the reactive response of old, should it come up. In time we taste the sweetness of the void space of the pause, connecting more deeply and joyfully to its innately creative energy. And if we look more deeply into the subtleties of it we can see our spirit revel in the elixir of potentiality every venture into the void offers. But I digress…

This year has led me to interact more consistently with people more aligned to the usual way of relating. It was interesting to observe how ways of behaving, speaking and being, which wouldn’t have fazed a younger version of me, suddenly felt starkly brash, cold, and lacking in empathy for self and other. In a sense it felt as if I had become more raw and fragile to it, when what I was experiencing was aspects, once protected, were now exposed to the behavior and expressive habits of the other. A need to translate these behaviors into a calming reframe for conditioned responses and to attune to a new reality of relating arose. Eventually leading me to teach tender parts to be with this kind of human manifestation in equanimity, while being mindful of the awareness levels they point to. Unlearning reflexive protectivity to give the tender ones repeat experiences of their new capacity to meet the harshness and egocentricities with kindness and compassion in ways that have not been available before, is very challenging as it feels counter-intuitive but the rewards are sweet beyond imagination. The grace of watching what once was wounded and weak remember its true nature is magnificently beyond words… and well worth the pain and struggle on the path.

I choose to make sense of this experience by perceiving it as an opportunity to heal the conditioned mind-body reactivities in areas, where it is prone to feel vulnerable and victimized by the way another shows up and expresses or doesn’t express. After all a sovereign or whole being is not disrupted in its flow of being and self-worth by the way another chooses to express, they take note of it and meet it from grace and compassion. That which is fragile and easily rendered insecure cannot be Self but an expression of the distortions I hold due to earlier incarnational experiences. 

In my case it is the imprinted memory of the little girl who anxiously listened to most nuanced shifts in tones, visual expressions, and behaviors of her parents to preempt and prevent experiencing devastating pains of rejection, abandonment, and neglect. Now I am strong enough to hold space for the gentle recalibration and integration of these memories and parts into the fluidity of my being. That in itself is a miracle given where this journey started.

Nonetheless my preference for relating, especially with close and beloved people, clearly lies in a more verbally expressive, appreciative, and loving way of relating. Especially in the face of German culture, which traditionally leans towards limited emotional expressivity (most defined as too mushy, weak), and operates on the misconception that making expressions of love and praise scarce renders them more precious. Which of course makes for rather cold and austere relating, devoid of most emotional warmth, starving the heart and emotional body. I do not care to perpetuate, nor participate in, this distortion and rather practice being a source of a different frequency set point and relational baseline. Living in this field, though, has a way of affecting and making me regress into these patterns, whenever I fall into unconsciousness. That is the dance I signed up for when choosing to leave behind the culturally conditioned norms and contracts of relating and communicating. I consider this to be one of my juiciest current growth edges.

It is a strangely empowering experience to intentionally show up, in what feels more warm and generous to me, by being verbally expressive of genuine appreciation and words of affirmation, when most people choose to be morose, aloof, or to express their negative biases and discontent. 

An even more tender and overflowing gratitude arises for all the beings who showed up in my path to teach and support me in the unlearning of unlove, and especially for those who journey with and are interconnected with me in a web of love. Thank you for being radiantly loving, kind and compassionate companions, friends, and beloveds in my experience!

What a dance of multiple dimensions and experiences this life can be, when lived with growing awareness, lessening attachments and identifications, and growing trust in the benevolence of life! 

I bow in gratitude to life and its endless teachings and expansive humor in guiding me along the path.

Photography by Unknown

The post Expressing Appreciation appeared first on Venuskind.

I am fascinated how hard it is for the tender and longing aspect in me to let go of the hope that existing connections can change and take a form that is mutually nurturing and expansive. The naive rationale that where there is sympathy or love there has to be a way of connecting deeper and finding the flow that nourishes and makes our hearts come alive. I have sat in contemplation of what it is that keeps our repetition compulsion going when our behavioral patterns never bring about the desired or needed outcome. How young and vulnerable these aspects within are that engage with life from the limited and magical thinking of a young child.

Teaching this aspect that the connection, flow and love it seeks is already available in my life, even if not in the connection it is focused on. Learning to redirect her focus on where love and affection are always available and flowing, making her realize that she no longer lives in scarcity and can let go of the grasping pattern. Showing her that focusing and fully opening to and engaging in the connections that naturally and effortlessly take to depths and heights more than fills all our cups of love, wellbeing, and joy. No need to make other connections be anything else than what they naturally are.

One of the most challenging lessons is teaching these young and tender aspects within to let go of their grasping, their asking for reality to change, for others to be different to who they really are instead of accepting reality as it presents and finding creative ways to fulfill needs and find joy in circumstances as they are. On a mental and cognitive dimension this is a simple thing to understand but the emotional and physical are slow to embrace changes in perception. Maybe this is the reason why it takes long and repeat periods in the ‘hanged man’ position, to speak once again in tarot, for us to shift out of old survival or adaptive patterns. There is something to these periods of suspension in the in-between that works on the subconscious and emotional body in healing and integrative ways.

Nothing compares to the massive feeling of relief and peace that take hold when said aspects embrace reality as it is and find they not only survive in doing so but begin to live and thrive for it. Even though it is accompanied with a depth of grief that may surprise and challenge us to be present and gentle with ourselves as it makes itself felt and known. Yes, there is a deep sadness, a feeling of loss and deprivation that wants to be felt as a message from years long gone and a self not allowing and capable of feeling these truths of experience.

When my adult eyes and mind surveyed my connections from this new inner state of healing I was able to let go of connections, which used to trigger this aspect in me as they ‘starved’ me emotionally for various and individual reasons. I let them go in love and gratitude for showing up in my experience as teachers and healing lessons and with wishes of goodness and blessings to them. 

Similar to the hopeful self-torture of keeping clothes that no longer fit our bodies in our closets as ‘motivation’, my subconscious patterns kept connections in my experience which were not aligned with my being. Now I could see the connections in their emptiness, their anachronism, and incompatibility with effortless clarity and no longer felt a need to stay connected.

Disconnecting and moving on brought on a feeling of ‘rightness’ or better alignment and flow into my experience of my relational field. Though not all connections that remained are connections at the depth of bonding and flow I prefer, they all feel good and aligned with me as they are. 

I celebrate depth where it is available and everywhere else I show up in a mirror of the depth, presence, affection, and care or from whatever level my authenticity wants to engage with them.

Instead of unconsciously trying to futilely deepen connections beyond their natural capacity and form, I consciously accept them for what they are from wholeness and emotional abundance within. Given my acceptance of the reality that what my heart seeks may be rare and not available in relating with the majority of people, I am even more appreciative, grateful, protective and nurturing of the connections which show up in said form.

I remain open to more beings meeting me in the depths and heights of heart and consciousness and the possibility of shared magical and transcendent explorations and experiences. Committed to compassion and acceptance with all the other relations which lack the glitter of stardust and droplets of the water of life.

And I bow to life as it unfolds in it multidimensional form, to the breadth of experiences available to us on our planet, and to the ability of consciousness to direct our path through this wild, magical and messy playground.

I bow in gratitude to the lessons that taught me the sweetness of yielding to life.

Art: Blanc Arctique by Sophie Wilkins 

The post The Unmet Yielding into Wholeness appeared first on Venuskind.

For letting me repose in and relish desireless EMPTINESS and delight in embodying the void.

For making me ask myself how I can bring more of the qualities of the VOID to my experiences and encounters.

For teaching me to face REALITY as it is and stop fighting, denying, or projecting upon it from fear and a lack of acceptance.

For helping me get crystal clear who ‘my kind of people’ are by correcting my perceptions of embodied and lived SPIRITUALITY and alignment with my being.

For making me read Alexandra Stein’s “Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems” and plunging me into revisiting my past to purge more of the damages incurred by MANIPULATION, BETRAYAL, COERCION and OPPRESSION. A harrowing and dark experience which liberated me and created space for more possibilities in my perceptions and life.

For ongoing and potent DREAMWORK to release past woundings and misperception, inspire new lines of inquiry, and to introduce new emotional and energetic set points.

For deepening my lessons on FULLY SURRENDERING to SELF, teaching me to let go of willing and instead to intend and show up, while trusting deeply in the fulfillment of my Soul’s desires. Releasing more of my identifications with my tribe of selves as well as becoming more compassionate and considerate of them.

Teaching me that the BLISS the mystics speak of is not just to be found in ‘peak experiences’ or ‘peak phenomena’ but also in the elation derived from surrender to Self, heart-centered being (not emotion-centered being there is a crucial difference), the integration of shadow, and the transmutation of the conditioned self through the luminous power of consciousness. This kind of bliss is not reliant on external circumstances or the absence of pain or suffering, its subtle and pervasive nature shines through all of experience and brings levity and joy to the attuned being, which in turn allows for even more expansion into being and blissfulness.

For healing more of my MISPERCEPTIONS and ATTACHMENTS to one of my parents, moving me from the toxicity of neediness and resentment towards compassionate detachment.

For DEARMORING me and teaching me to feel more and cultivate useful skills in navigating life from a more open and vulnerable state by deepening my trust and Self-leadership.

For guiding me to expand into PLAYFULNESS and release limiting thinking and self censorship.

For teaching me to RELATE and LOVE in a new way by gifting me with deeply meaningful and expansive explorative experiences with evolutionary minded Souls. Allowing me to get intimate with all aspects of myself and become clear on what I truly need, want, and desire in relationships and how to manifest it, whilst reminding me to beware of settling for ‘less than’ my being desires.

For giving me the realization that I no longer turn to LOVE RELATIONSHIPS as a panacea for a deficit of love, as that has been taken care of by self and tribe love, but to co-create evolutionary containers for shared magical and extraordinary adventures.

For making me conscious of the unconscious AMBIVALENCE towards men that steeped relating with them into a dualistic dynamic of desire/delight on the one hand and fear/repulsion on the other.

For teaching me about the importance of an internal felt sense of EQUALITY, POWER, and ADMIRATION in love relationships.

For giving me opportunities to practice OPENING FULLY to a man and surrendering to the experience of relating with trust. And also reminding me that having an attraction, great connection, or feelings of love for someone doesn’t imply a need for turning it into a committed relationship.

For helping me remember, reclaim, and update old DREAMS and aspects of my being.

For inspiring me to create a new VISION BOARD from a knowing of wholeness and understanding of what fulfills and grows me instead of the distortions of desires and unconscious scarcity beliefs.

For giving me an opportunity to actively and PHYSICALLY CHANGE what doesn’t align with or serve me, which was unbelievable rewarding and important at this point of my journey. After years of having been taught to be patient and trust the unfolding without physically intervening this felt especially liberating and delightful.

For reminding me what great delight and pride I take in the WORK OF MY OWN HANDS and that it is way sweeter than enjoying the luxury of having someone else take care of stuff for me. And that no matter how tired, sore or exhausted I felt my little bull’s heart was aglow with glee.

For giving me ample opportunities to be sensing, experiencing and seeing the vastness of my STRENGTH, DISCIPLINE, and PERSISTENCE in expression and enjoy how amazing it feels.

For allowing me to discard things, which my mother had held onto without my consent or knowing, and which kept unwanted energetic cords alive with past aspects of my life. And for the delight that followed said DISCARDING as rushes of energy returned to my body and being.

For granting me the knowing that every part of me and the ego mind which operates on adversarial perceptions and narratives becomes a SLAVE to duality.

For teaching me that mastering DUALITY does not mean directing or dominating it but rather knowing its true nature and engaging it from consciousness without submitting to identifications, attachments, and dogma.

MASTERY in the mystical sense is not about domination, as that is beholden to fear not love, it is about being ONE WITH duality and playing with its seeming contrasts in creative, joyful, aligned and expansive ways. Seeing through its appearance of duality and contrast to perceive the underlying oneness.

For teaching me about the need and joy of living from ALERT PRESENCE. Not an alertness in the sense of vigilance (which is mostly rooted in fear) but alertness arising from being fully present, open and in harmonic resonance with the rhythm and flow of life.

For giving me the realization that these times call me to be with WHAT IS without getting entangled or invited into shadow play by narratives and stories wanting to wrap themselves around it. They call for my ability to stand strong in my discerning sovereignty and Self while engaging with the moment from curiosity, playfulness, compassion and love. To be CONCURRENTLY SEPARATE and ONE WITH ALL.

Teaching me to no longer allow my mind/body to be pulled in false dichotomies, meet dualities with a knowing and intent of ‘both/and’ to break the spells of limitations and distortion, and to allow Consciousness to offer new perspectives and pathways to INFINITE POSSIBILITIES from the vastness of its wisdom. New perspectives and solutions which not only help me navigate the challenges set before me but also to thrive and delight in engaging with them.

For sensitizing me to the fact that due to my experience of spiritual trauma and entrainment of a narcissistic God, I have to be mindful that the deep-set distrust and ambivalence towards said deity does not CROSS CONTAMINATE subconsciously my relationship with inner Presence (higher Self) or Source.

For teaching me to reclaim and step into my INNOCENCE and access the immense power and spaciousness it comes with as I consistently love on my inner child.

For challenging me to get past linguistic obstacles and learn to express VULNERABILITY as easily in German as I have learned to do in English. Helping me drop some of the unhelpful cultural conditionings and reigniting my love for the poetry and richness of the German language.

For bringing back old and new MALE FRIENDS into my life and teaching us to relate on higher levels of awareness, authenticity, vulnerability, compassion and love. I appreciate and welcome the replacement of friendships lost in years back and the upping of masculine energy in my circles. Acknowledging the fulfillment of longheld wish.

For ending on a gift and high note, which give me a knowing and positive outlook on 2022’s oncoming magic and gifts.

Photography: Chelsea Jackson Roberts by Francesco Mastalia

The post Thank You 2021 appeared first on Venuskind.

This is how I deepened my love relationship with my body, feeling more attuned, healthy, stronger, energized, balanced and peaceful.

This year Spirit has stopped me in my tracks and made me contemplate where my preference for diversity and desire to connect with a variety of people, energies, mindsets and lifestyles was serving my wellbeing and where it was detrimental to it. In the process I had to release some unconsciously held beliefs and fears, change what I expose my mind and being to, become more discerning and reflective of the energies I experience and the feedback my body gives me about them. I had to discard another layer of good girl programming that used to override my own needs in service of useless ideas or principles. Within the same lesson Spirit guided me to choose the reality, timeline, story I want to live in and release my attachment to being connected to all other realities, timelines and narratives in unhealthy and ego-driven ways.

This is how Spirit healed my mind and spirit and revitalized my being.

This year I am wrapping up a long karmic cycle of unbalanced, unfulfilling, unloving and disheartening relating and relationships. I was lead into extensive self-observations, deep introspections, reflections and knowing of what in me attracts, co-creates, enables, nurtures and holds on to these painful experiences. Another layer of how the ego abuses and tortures me was revealed to me with the gracious help of an external catalyst who artfully combined all the tones of my ‘core woundings’ to trigger the unraveling of what still remained hidden to my awareness.

Parallel to it I have been exploring new dimensions of relating and communing with my innermost circles of friends and family, tasting new states of oneness in diversity, joyful embracements of similarities and differences alike, new frequencies and tones of blissful co-being. My heart is opening to more love and experiencing a delicious multitude of subtleties and nuances to love, friendship, affection, tenderness, support, nurturing and care. I have been learning to show up in my relationships with more vulnerability, playfulness, discernment and self love than I would have been capable of or even dreamt it possible just a year or two ago. I am being met in kind, with effortless reciprocity, appreciation, compassion, joy, playfulness and love that exceeds my most daring dreams. And yet I know it to be just a beginning…

This is how my heart and emotional body have been purified from the dark tendrils of karma, ancestral patterns and trauma and infused with luminous rainbow colored threads of love’s potentiality and soothing.

It has been a year of refocusing on my dreams, of manifesting my heart’s desire for a life filled with a multitude of loves, for a community of like-hearted dreamers, magicians, alchemists and creators, for creating spaces of potentiality, transformation, the magic of being and the effervescence of life. A year that allowed me to witness these dreams begin to take form in the physical dimension and nurture their unfolding with eyes of awe, glittering with the light of age old galaxies. This year has shown me the change of the tides-the time for my visions to take form has finally come. It has been a year of answered prayers of old, a year of my consciousness visioning in the realm of the unknown, touching the impossible wanting to be manifest through me and us.

This is how my trust has been nourished and expanded, this is how my dreams have been resurrected into a higher vibrancy, free, fluid, playfully and creatively shapeshifting with the flow of conscious harmonic resonance.

I release what cannot be part of my becoming and unfolding with heartfelt gratitude and blessings and welcome whatever awaits to teach me, enrich my life and expand my consciousness and love with open arms and heart.

And I bow in gratitude to Source, life, 2020, catalysts, teachers, students, friends, beloveds, family and Self for a subtly yet profoundly transformational year. 

Art by Marcel van Luit

The post 2020 Hindsight appeared first on Venuskind.

My (small) self has come a long way in my healing journey utilizing therapy as much as self work in order to achieve inner peace and wellbeing. I am grateful for what I did eventually achieve and learn along the way. Yet I also had to concede that psychology had its limits, that deeper set distortions as well as the unconscious patterns necessitated the tools of spirituality. And as the years progressed intuition guided me to more and more powerful modalities, tools and perception changes. Making me often wonder where I could be today if said tools would have been available to me in my mid or late twenties and leaving me feeling grateful that younger generations will be able to heal faster and better for it.

For the past year I have been in a sublime internal dance of love, care and surrender which deepened my primary relationship with my own being. I observe the way my Self is teaching and healing my self whenever she surrenders and makes space for her to take the lead. Life has slowed down to a crawl internally as the Self illuminates and helps the self figure out the patterns and futilities of patterns to inspire the self to experiment with novel responses and derive joy from this newfound playfulness and ease. There are moments that trigger thoughts and feelings of “I can’t do this!” or “This is too much!” and my Self simply smiles and asks “Are you sure this is not your fear or trauma speaking? Do you know who I am? Do you know what I am?” And my whole being relaxes, leans into the knowing of the Self as the illusions of smallness and fragility fade into historic memories.

Coached by the Self into more balance and inner peace more consciousness and wisdom keeps coming into my knowing. The inner Guru is making every breath and every moment a teaching opportunity which leaves me feeling contemplative and appreciative of the vastness and complexity of life. An inner radiance arises from this dance of love and wisdom, a light that renders my being unshakable yet deeply compassionate.

As I was in deep meditative writing today I realized how things that once would have triggered all sorts of trauma and shadow responses simply make me laugh within. And I think to myself well met old friend, thank you for alerting me to the quality of my frequency which invited you into my experience. Then I recalibrate, rebalance internally while not paying the external event or trigger no mind. I have finally understood what the eastern masters mean when they say “There is nothing to do” when my Self showed me the ineffectivity and waste of energy of the constant toiling and activism of the self. I no longer feel the need to respond or sort things out externally unless intuition clearly nudges me to. Otherwise I am practicing my default of sorting things out in the subtle and energetic realms by sorting out my vibrational state. At first I felt like all kinds of drama and pain might ensue if I did not follow the desires of the self to engage, respond, act upon what had happened. But I chose to trust my Self and practice self composure and containment even if my emotions were in a turmoil and it was rewarded with less and less turmoil and a calming down of the hyper-reactive triggers I used to have. 

I have been living in the experience and knowing of my wholeness for years now but this experience is adding a whole new layer of feeling safe, content and powerful to my inner state of being. Where once co-dependency made me feel existential fears of abandonment and losing another, I feel spacious and complete enough to speak my truth, be myself and dare to lose another. Not from a rebellious or avoidant energy, as part of my trauma let me respond in certain circumstances but from a deep feeling of being whole, loved, cared for, abundant and part of a magnificent universe of love. 

Another realization that made me laugh and shake my head is this:

I used to think that self-realization was about experiencing and knowing one’s Self. Now I see that it can only be the beginning, as self-realization, if it is not a sudden and sustained state of enlightenment, necessitates the self to surrender and hand over the rains to the Self while aligning itself with her and serving her. 

This is where I find true freedom, a freedom which is based on universal truths and truths of Self leadership. And this is also part of the vast magic of love, which I have only begun to explore.

I bow in gratitude and awe to Life, my greatest and most benevolent Guru!

Photography by Venuskind

The post The sweetness of being loved by Self appeared first on Venuskind.

I stopped congratulating people on their birthdays

This is a rather funny thing to me as I wasn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays into my early 20’s due to being in a christian fundamentalist cult that strictly forbade it. Then upon leaving the cult, as part of my deprogramming, I started celebrating birthdays. And now here I am stepping back from it, for at least a year, to challenge myself to find more authentic, spontaneous and inspired ways of expressing my appreciation for another’s being and my gratitude for our connection.

Beyond that lie a few more mystical or spiritual reasons of no longer wanting to consent to time divisions, manipulation of our natural cyclical nature by virtue of clocks and unaligned calendars and the trance of aging. But those are of a more ethereal, subtle and non-verbal nature to me and hard for me to put in accessible writing just yet. I have the feeling I will come back to this later this year.

It is fascinating to observe how strong the pull to comply with our social codes feels (peer pressure, conditioning), especially when social media platforms like Facebook enforce them without the choice of opting out of birthday reminders. It has become a daily practice of internal dialogues to detach myself from the emotional responses to not congratulating a loved one. 

Often asking myself why is it so hard to not be a part of choir of celebration? 

Don’t I trust my friends to know, sense and feel how much I love them without this formulaic ritual?

Who taught me that it was unloving or uncaring if I expressed my appreciation on any other given day but not this one? And what is that based on?

I started writing intentional and authentic messages of appreciation & expressing feelings of appreciation and gratitude whenever I feel them

I have held myself to a code of integrity and honesty for most of my life. Therefore I do not make a compliment that is not truthful and if I have nothing kind and appreciative to say I remain quiet. That took some practice and unlocked a deeper dimension of meaning and value to the words of affirmation, validation, appreciation and praise I speak – as they are heartfelt, honest and not serving an egoic manipulative agenda. At least not to my conscious knowing.

In reflecting on my expressions of appreciation I realized a while back that though I have achieved integrity and honesty in these I still allowed societal or cultural programmings to hold me back from expressing them as often as I felt and thought them. Thereby denying the other whose existence, deeds or expressions allowed me to tap into beautiful frequencies of gratitude, awe, adoration, admiration and appreciation to partake of it and become aware of who they truly are. This felt unbalanced and quite lacking to me. So I intended to express these feelings and thoughts as often as they occurred or I could make space to express them, to make it my intent and conscious practice of giving and mirroring back to those who enrich and illuminate my life. And so I brave the dangers of being misunderstood, judged or made fun of while trusting that what I say reaches the heart of another even if their ego might be incapable of receiving it.

In a world filled with endless messaging and cultural conditioning telling us about our many inadequacies it is a radical act of rebellion to be part of the growing choir of voices that truthfully speak to our gifts, beauty and power.

To me all of these messages are small modern day love notes. Reminiscent of love letters, the forgotten art of speaking to and engaging the ineffable as well as the luminosity of our being. Love notes to God/ the Beloved/ the Divine/ Universe/ Source through their manifestation as this individual consciousness. Expressions of gratitude, delight, pleasure and the enrichment I feel through and with them. 

This choice and practice bring a new dimension of inner alignment, a feeling of rightness and flow of love to my experience I no longer want to be without. And what is more, it has taken even distant acquaintances into a more heartful and nourishing realm of relating. Something our world definitely needs more of…

I would of course never tell you to stop celebrating or congratulating people on their birthdays. It is a rather touchy subject to many for reasons of insecurity and lack of self love or lack of understanding the other’s motives. Yet I would like to inspire you to reflect upon your expressions of appreciation and gratitude towards people in your life.

Do you feel happy with how and how often you express your appreciation? 

Do you feel you could learn or do something to make your words reach their hearts? 

Are you giving yourself enough appreciation and gratitude for all the ways you show up for yourself and others?

Can you come up with fun, playful and inspiring ways of seeding, cultivating and nurturing a culture of authentic, heartful and uplifting appreciation with others around you?

Photography: Balinese girl praying by Gede Lila

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Maybe the strange experiences of the past months served to show me that I had kept loving you way more than any of my other ex partners? Whatever the reasons might be, something about us had remained unfinished until you closed it out now.

But with you I am deeply passionately,         unrequitedly in love.                                                       ~ Virginia Woolf

And as I read this quote today I realized I am finally OK to still be feeling this way as I walk away.

I wonder why it was so hard to simply acknowledge this and move on for the past weeks?

What part of me wanted me immersed in confusion and despair every time someone rejected my offer of love, be it in friendship or more?

Thanks to you I have learned to make peace with the transience of relationships and connections and release more of the expectation of continuity and permanence.

Thanks to you I have had the opportunity to release more of the pain of my original experience of abandonment and rejection. The way you have been triggering this repeatedly makes me believe this to be one of the main functions of our connection: helping me heal my core wounds.

Thanks to you I have observed my reactivities and have clarity on where my self work needs to focus to free myself from this old script.

Thanks to you I had an opportunity to practice loving another in sovereignty, freedom and with compassion even if it challenges and pains my egoic aspects.

Thanks to you I have been able to balance my Karma by paying some of my debts.

Thanks to you I have experienced again the intensity and vastness of my love as I gave what you rejected to myself. And I realized, again, that it is more than enough to be loved by myself. The love that abundantly surrounds us in life is an overflowing surplus assuring the absence of lack.

Thank you for redirecting me towards my dreams, goals and teaching me to stay mindful of my needs and wants when relating.

As I reflect upon the experience of the past months I cannot help but laugh at the silly games we play with ourselves and others. What a strangely hilarious note to end my year on.

And, though I initially felt confused and pained by your silence and coldness, I bid you farewell with nothing but feelings of gratitude and joy, my darling catalyst. Every encounter and exchange with you has made me stronger and helped me become a better version of myself. In our early days the lessons came in light while in the end they came in darkness. A perfect dark yin void to our golden yang beginnings.

Thank you for the blessings and gifts you brought to my life. I hope you are rewarded generously with bliss and contentment.

With my best wishes, love and blessings!

Photography: Unknown

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Photography: Unknown

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With eyes of awe and a heart overflowing with gratitude and love I gave myself to revisiting memories of K. who shall forever have a special place in my heart and memory for ours was one of the two “healing” relationships I have had in my life. The kind that come into your experience to create the space in which you can reclaim aspects of yourself and do so in the most safe, loving, expansive and healing container. Different to “learning” relationships where there is more tension and conditional or limited safety to make for another kind of learning.

He is by far the most beautiful man I have loved, inside and out. And when I say beautiful it is an understatement for he is radiantly gorgeous! I wished I had words worthy of describing the outstanding quality of love and embodied presence this man brought to my life and heart.

Relating with him allowed me for the first time in a love relationship to be unfiltered, authentically me and know I was safe and loved no matter what I did and said. And I mean KNOW deep down in my bones and from countless experiences. Very different to other guys who you hope can take most of you as your gut keeps signalling they can’t until they prove you right and let you down.

The only lover, man and being I have told my sexual abuse experiences in full and multi-dimensional details and who could listen, be present and himself without burdening me with his pity, discomfort, insecurities or framing me as broken. A man who could make me laugh through any sadness or tears and kick my ass intellectually while expanding my horizons.

The differences in our preferences, life styles, interests or challenges of our circumstances never touched or took away from the love, respect and adoration I felt and feel for him. And that is saying a lot for me.

One whose love style was totally mirroring mine in that he never held back parts of himself and gave all of himself and constantly worked on being a better partner… though he did it in a more elevated and integrated way than I could at that time. To this day he remains the only guy I sensed was fully open, honest and transparent in all things with me. Trusting him was easy and relying on him was not disappointed.

He got me on my knees owning that I had still much healing and growth to do until I could match him in his unparalleled nigh unconditional relating and capacity of lovingly setting boundaries to follow his heart’s desires.  And though I choose to walk away from him and the challenges of our long distance relationship in order to focus on healing, growing and sorting out my familial karma… my love for him has not faded, to the contrary it deepened and expanded as the years went by.

This love we are does not necessitate us to be a couple or in touch, being born of freedom and spaciousness as it is. I am happy to just know he is on this planet being his luminous and gorgeous self, loving with all of his being and expressing his magnificent soul with so much play and creativity it is a well of inspiration to all who know or observe him.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and the way he lights up my life like no other ever could. And yet I respect the circumstances that parted our paths, the fullness of the lives created which do not allow for the level of meaningful connection we both enjoy and want to share in friendships or more. And I trust our reality now to be perfect as it is, in its service to our soul’s journeys.

I hope this makes you recall when and by whom you have most blissfully been loved and whom you love(d) with all your heart.. or lets you know that outstanding and blissful relationships are possible even if you have a lot of growing and healing to do!

Photography: Raul Bova by Adriano Russo

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I still cannot quite wrap my head around the fact that we can think we are honest with ourselves and then Life holds up the most unlikely of mirrors up to us and lets us see aspects of ourselves and hear voices within we keep ourselves blinded to. We are truly complex and confounding creatures. What a humbling gift it is to be taught a fuller acceptance of ourselves as Life meets us with unwavering unconditional acceptance and love!

The ongoing focus in my self work has been on shifting my response to things which trigger my traumas or strongly emotionally charged beliefs. I have already come a long way but there are still these moments of defeat when my reactivities take over and I find myself locked into their play. This year I have been given new tools and the most challenging of contrasting teachers to understand and change my approach so I might be more effective in calming my mind body system when triggered and in totally dismantling the triggers one by one or in groups.

It always took a while to get to the root of a trigger or belief and a lot of energy and dedication to soften my reactivity bit by bit. But now I have received the tools to change it in one go, to create equanimity where once was the seed of fear, rage or feelings of unsafety and pain. 

What a gift it is when you find the right key and tools for a current layer of distortion you are focused on releasing and to see them work first once, then twice and then over and over again. 

To see shackles that held you for decades imprisoned fall off your being and breathe into this new freedom is the grace afforded me by this mystical and divine Life… I cannot help wishing with the same breath that the same grace may be given to all beings in all dimensions and timelines. 

May we all find our freedom and peace in the love and light of our true nature and oneness!

How blessed I am, how blessed we are…

Bowing in gratitude to the mystery and generosity of Life!

Photography: At the End by Adrienne McNellis

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