There are many layers and subtleties to its gifts of insight into my unhelpful beliefs, forgotten pain, behavioral and thought patterns, and my sweet little girl‘s longings that remained unfulfilled. Illuminating attachments in need of attention, transformation, or release. Alerting me to contractions, stuck energy, and tensions alive in my body. 

Inviting me to become intimate with the complex ways I create experiences which are unfulfilling and fall short of meeting my needs and wants, to gently coax out the parts who due to invisibility and neediness sabotage my ability to perceive all of the layers of an experience, to be still and listen to their pleas and complaints. Inviting me to observe the gentle and playful reparenting my inner father and mother bring to these voices and my little girl. Inciting and honing my creativity in finding means of fulfilling my needs internally with more skill and playfulness. 

An invitation to lean into a bigger YES to life, to gently melt tensions, apprehensions, and resistance, and reminder that ‘resistance is futile’ and unloving when the Universe is teaching me lessons in receptivity to its abundance and unconditional love. 

Becoming stronger and clearer thanks to disappointment, the light bringer and liberator.

Art: ‘I Have Finally Arrived’ by José Cacho

The post Disappointment appeared first on Venuskind.

I am in a newfound and visceral awe of this archaic and arcane instinctual wisdom, its no nonsense attitude, and the sense of uninterrupted connection with all of life and experiences on this planet it opened up to me. What magical gifts we carry encoded in our genes without ever fully appreciating or hope of knowing them until they choose to open themselves to us?

It is a special kind of magic when this old one deems me deserving of more direct and interactive exchanges. Opening my mind to a dimension of consciousness which was not available to my awareness, though it strongly affected and formed my everyday life since I incarnated into this form. 

This novel opening of the primal is helping me understand the relationships and power differentials between the primal (instinctive, animal), vital (emotional), mental (intellectual, cognitive), and higher mind (consciousness). 

I am aware this is possible only thanks to the higher mind having all mindbody systems focusing for years on dispersing illusions and releasing blockages to oneness and wholeness. There is grace in this as well as a reward for commitment to the path, work done, and surrender to higher consciousness through all the twists and turns of my path.

Using a recent experience I was shown that my primal mind dispelled a sticky enchantment of the vital (emotional), which was vulnerable to it owing to old wounds, said disruption ushering in more clarity of perception and realignment of my being. Allowing me to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of the primal, its strong medicine/wisdom, and dispel my misperception that what obstructs knowing and alignment with greater mysteries of life lies mostly in the primal. I stand corrected and bow in humble gratitude for the gift of knowing and liberation from distortion.

Art: ‘Safia’ by Marcel van Luit

The post The Primal appeared first on Venuskind.

“Our thoughts are mainly controlled by our subconscious, which is largely formed before the age of 6, and you cannot change the subconscious mind by just thinking about it” ~ Bruce Lipton

Most of human actions (some estimate about 95%) are driven by the subconscious, which is the recording of our first 7 years and an ongoing replay and reaction from other people’s beliefs, principles and words. Only few of us manage to live from their conscious mind as the majority is constantly hijacked by the thinking of the subconscious and its automated responses. 

Don’t get me wrong we need our subconscious, it is exceedingly helpful in its speed and ability to take care of things while freeing our conscious mind from having to deal with complexities like regulating our body. Problems arise wherever the subconscious lures the conscious mind into being busy with the flow of thoughts arising from the subconscious while the subconscious takes care of our every action and engagement with life, rendering us unconscious and disconnect from reality while steeping us in the past.

To be present and conscious therefore means to know the way the subconscious operates and takes over and to cultivate a practice of keeping our conscious mind trained on the moment, creating and engaging instead of being focused on the internal flow of thoughts. 

Meditation is a wonderful tool in developing the awareness and distinction between the conscious and the subconscious mind. But to gain true freedom we need to take it off the mat or our meditation time into everyday life and make it an ongoing practice of awareness or mindfulness otherwise our progress will be slow and the ego will have no problems playing us.

From my personal experience and observation consciousness remains lacking if people do not invest their time into learning about psychology and neuroscientific research on the mechanics, biology and dynamics of our body mind system. Equally knowledge of those without the knowing of the teachings on the nature of consciousness, energy and the dimensional realities we live in and are surrounded by will limit one’s progress and possibilities of expansion and transcendence.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

My self work journey began with the first psychology book I bought when I was 13 years old. Ever since then I have been increasingly committed to knowing myself and transcending behavioral and thought patterns which limit or hurt my wellbeing or that of others.

The first part was defined by my explorations of psychology, neurobiology, communication and relationship sciences, a slow progression of changes along with therapies to help me grow past my blind spots. Years which informed my mind to understand behavioral patterns of the ego, dynamics in relationships, things that feed dysregulation and dysfunction and those that help us step into healthier, more peaceful and joyful experiences.

The most exciting part of the journey began with my exposure to eclectic spiritual teachings and technologies like yoga, meditation, mindfulness and the different consciousness models various schools work with. In the practice of meditation and yoga I managed to transcend more patterns and behaviors I had been aware of thanks to my forays into all about our psyche. 

The spiritual cosmologies and perceptions of life helped me to rebuild the foundations of my perceptions and beliefs to be better than the ones my childhood and cult upbringing had given me.

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”~ Bessel A. van der Kolk

In the past 2 years I have revisited the childhood trauma I experienced and focused on healing my nervous system. Reading on current research on the manifestation of trauma in the body mind system and understanding the negative effects of a nervous system constantly set to hyper-vigilance made me commit to use all available tools in calming and resetting my polyvagal system. And what is fascinating is that the work of these years has created more changes than anything I did in the decades before. But alas then knowledge of childhood trauma and its treatment wasn’t as evolved then as it is now.

Being close to one of my primary caretakers and confronted with our trauma colored relationship allows me to measure my progress and failures with accuracy.

Another way to look the past two years is to see them as a massive purge and cleansing of the emotional and physical body of the stuck energy and memories of trauma while concurrently strengthening and nourishing my whole being to expand in resilience. 

This healing process necessitated a hermit life, limiting and avoiding social interactions as much as possible. Being closer and feeling the core wounds and vulnerabilities, I had tried avoiding for too long, was exhausting. In the exhaustion I realized a heightened sensitivity to certain energies, energies that had a similar vibe as the predators of my early days — people who give off a manipulative, dishonest, domineering, codependent, victim mindset, fundamentalistic, ignorant but self-righteous, etc. vibe would set off my defensive reactivities and repelled me. Isn’t it amazing how energy works to support our healing?

While working on calming my nervous system I needed to keep my mind engaged and delved deeper into mystery studies and happened on the 7 hermetic principles.

And the principle of polarity helped me get equanimity viscerally.

Principle of Polarity:  Everything is dual; everything has poles; like & unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree, extremes meet, all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled.

In reflecting on the sameness of all dualities — identical in nature — and understanding they are different states of the same — just like water, ice and gas are the same just different in degrees – I realized the absurdity of attachments, preferences or opinions on any subject from a higher vantage point.

In my trauma research I understood that the true issue was the stuck emotional charge not the experience itself and in my self work I experienced the peace and power surge whenever I released the emotional charge. And so I chose to let go of the belief that I had to have a preference, opinion or attachment to one aspect of the duality and to be in the zero point instead. This sounds like a little thing but it proved to be a fundamental shift for my internal experience of life.

Living in equanimity without lasting emotional charge on any subject is still an ongoing practice but even the few areas that I have been able to clear from the burden of the charged responses have created an inner peace and wellbeing that my body had to live without for many decades. Choice is a powerful aspect of freedom, to have the choice if and how we want to engage with life in a way that serves our wellbeing and growth is a precious gift and achievement.

I do not allow myself to be baited into heated, emotionally triggering debates, and should I have slipped and find myself in one I thank the other and the experience for alerting me to a subject I need to disarm to expand my freedom. 

I had grown up feeling that being emotionally engaged equals being passionate and caring about something and that people who responded from cold detached logic were heartless, now I see that both approaches are lacking and not serving life and our personal growth. 

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas, having an even mind; aequus even; animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies. ~ Wikipedia

There is another way of being in the world. 

Observing and experiencing things from equanimity as your default allows you to preserve more of your life energy, which now can be fully invested in the service of your dreams, life and loved ones instead of being wasted on useless repetitions of old dramas. Equanimity doesn’t mean a negation of joy, pleasure, sadness, anger or any other emotions but it creates a calm set point where these can be welcomed as passing visitors without creating unhelpful intensity or stickiness which holds the visitors until they become burdensome and potentially toxic.

Equanimity is a gift I give to my body in the knowing how much it is taxed by hyper-vigilance, reactivity and the scripts of old narratives and their emotional charge. 

For now it works like this: feeling the emotional charge, acknowledging it ideally without acting on it, reflecting on the situation and responding from my values and visions instead of the pain of the past and creating inner harmony as the emotion is gently released from my body mind system. Eventually it turns into: the acknowledgement of an old story without any emotional charge and being free to respond adequately to the experience from knowing and wisdom.

All of my self work serves the goal of freedom, the freedom to think, be, act and create from my ideals and visions without the impediments of the past and the distortions conditioned into my sub-conscious.

And the more I delve into esoteric and occult teachings — now that I have finally shaken off prejudices and vague fears — the veils of programming are falling and I remember and know with an unprecedented clarity how to be and what to do in the moment. 

I can live life from a conscious trust and knowing that I am in benevolent Universe, loved and supported immensely with nothing to fear.

Art: Equanimity by Jalai Lama

The post Self Work, Trauma and the Gift of Equanimity appeared first on Venuskind.

I write often about letting go and walking away as it has become an ongoing practice on this path of awakening. Much of what I used to love, hold dear or enjoy has lost its meaning and had to be released to a past owned by an old self.

The hardest moments are when I realize the misalignment with someone I love and have shared meaningful and magical experiences with, the mind and subconscious tend to grasp and want to hold on to experiences and people as they live in the illusion of separation and scarcity due to the conditioning of this world. Tempting or bullying me to disbelief what people have shown me.

I sometimes give in and try to hold on to false hopes of “maybe things will change?”or “maybe they will learn and grow?” and yet intuition never fails to have the truth of it when it gently whispers that I better move on. When I give in and try to make something work or my ego plays at putting the blame on me and tells me to be more embracing of someone’s otherness it just leads to even harsher reveals of incompatibility and more painful exposures of issues and dynamics.

Being aware through such moments and seeing things unfold through the dual vision of lower and higher self reveals much about my conditioning and its tools in leading me towards pain and suffering instead of leading me towards joy and love. I see the parts and beliefs in me that sabotage and sacrifice me while trying to grasp for something non-existent or lacking in value.

“Taurus and Taurus Rising — The self, new beginnings, vitality. You will be reborn, reinvented. You will change how you look or something fundamental about who you are and how you express it. You will revolutionize your life. You will let go.” ~ Empowering Astrology

A challenging and expansive process of correcting self- esteem and rebuilding the concept of self as Uranus gifted me with revolutionary insights, new perceptions and knowing of Self is under way.

This year Taureans were taught to value our selves, gifts and skills more than we did before in a misguided sense of humility, many insights driving home how often we have been throwing “pearls to swine” in our underestimation of the value of our presence, attention, time, love, energy and support… just to earn the ingratitude and injustice meant to awaken us to our foolishness.  

If Taureans now had a scale, like our Venusian Libra brethren, our scale would not measure simply the justice and balance of things but also the precise value of what is brought to the scales by the respective parties. 

With the emergent self and knowing relationships are being weighed and discerned on many new levels and the creator in me is revisiting if I want to invest more energy or choose to take it elsewhere where it yields better and higher returns. My abundance and wealth of energy and love will not be squandered any longer, it will be mindfully put at the service of Life, of my wellbeing and that of loved ones or contained until I am guided to give of it.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Regardless of our signs we all relate conditionally even if love is unconditional. Understanding the way relating with others affects us on various levels inspired me to reflect upon my life path and how those I spend the most time with are aligned with these or might detract from them.

At first this was just from a psychological perspective, assuming that our mirror neurons unconsciously adapt us to our direct environment. Yet delving deeper into mystery schools and learning about energy, theories of frequency, resonance and quantum geometry have given this a more profound dimension.

If we by sympathetic resonance emulate the energy around us to the point of developing the same physical and mental illnesses as the people we surround ourselves with or by epigenetically changing the settings of our DNA then who we relate to and in which way has serious ramifications that go beyond someone merely discouraging us from reaching goals. It becomes a matter of our overall wellbeing: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

With that a deeper awareness and new conditions for relating have emerged for me, not from a stance of fear but from the excitement of creating positive charged surroundings that not only uplift us but help me stay healthy and strong. 

So if anyone doesn’t have a committed and daily practice of awareness, heart-centeredness and keeping their vibrations up and be open and grateful to those enlightening them on their blindspots… they can be in my life but not in my inner circle. This is not about negativity or toxicity – we all carry enough of that within us to be hard pressed to “throw the first stone” no this is about how we manage our own energy, boundaries and how conscious and knowledgable we are of our inner workings.

I observe with little joy how many men have been socialized to unconsciously rely on women to do the emotional work for them and turn on them if they respectfully decline to do that or when their shadow is made aware to them in gentle and playful ways. I understand the fragility, I understand overwhelm I find myself still too often there… but if you do not have the ability to bounce back from such a drift in ego and see things from a higher perspective or even better have the capacity to follow another when they lead you to a meta perspective on the behavioral patterns playing out between you…. then we lack a fundamental tool of relating, growing and rising in connection and I will retreat from engaging because it becomes strenuous and pointless to me.

If you don’t like to think and reflect much on life, this world and yourself we are not very compatible as my path is one of inquiry and knowledge and I thank you for teaching me about that.

If you do not hold yourself to the same high values and principles you expect of others or if you hold no one to any values in a bypassing “acceptance of all as it is” we are not compatible as integrity is a core theme of this incarnation for me and I thank you for teaching me about that.

If you delve into teachings and knowledge without the wish or capacity to retain or embody them we are not compatible, my path is about practicing and embodying resonant truth and I thank you for teaching me about that.

If you cannot generate joy, love and equanimity on your own but “need me” to do so, not just in times of hardship but because you do not put the work into it, we are not compatible as sovereignty and equality are at the foundation of all my relationships and I thank you for teaching me about that.

I bow in gratitude to H. who taught me many of these invaluable lessons and much more. 

I honor my intuition, higher Self, guides and Source for helping me navigate through this beautiful challenge, for the gifts of knowing and seeing true and the deepening of my blissful relationship with the Beloved.

The post On The Emerging Self and Conditions Of Relating With Me appeared first on Venuskind.

Mind “He is fun and i enjoy the conversations we have but he is not my type, I am not attracted to him physically.“
GTS  “You cannot be so superficial, it’s the personality that counts, looks will fade away but the personality stays. You are not being very spiritual, are you?“

Inner Child “He does not respect my boundaries. I don’t think a relationship with someone like that has a future!“
GTS “Come on, you can be quite ____  yourself – you have to cut people some slack unless you are perfect. He can learn and grow, give him time. His other traits are not too bad, you liked them in the beginning didn’t you?“

Mind “He keeps doing it over and over. I see no understanding nor a want to change and learn to honor my boundaries. I am wasting my time – waiting for a tiger to change his stripes would be less hopeless than this. we need to move on!“
GTS “He might just need more time, this is just your impatience acting up. He is intelligent, he will surely get it in time…“

As convincing as goody-two-shoes’ points may seem my past experience shows whenever I listened to it I achieved „no conflict“ at the price of my aliveness and had to put up with undesirable experiences. I do appreciate this voices temperance of reactivity in my life, but I am no longer willing to allow it to make me SETTLE FOR LESS than is available.

I deserve to be happy in my own way, in the truths of my deepest soul even if these do not align with being “good”. I allow still too many unwanted experiences to prevail in the name of learning, when it takes a simple decision to change them. From now on goody-two-shoes will have to be in the backseat while other aspects will be the main creators of my experience.

I do not want to harm other people but I would rather discomfort them with my truth than suffer the effects of settling for what I do not want and live a lie. Especially when i know from experience that expressing and living my truths have always been rewarded with happiness and joyful experiences!

Allow for the things you wish to prevail and let go of what doesn’t serve you!

The post Internal Conversations appeared first on Venuskind.

Love is the radiance, the fragrance of knowing oneself, of being oneself. Love is overflowing joy. Love is when you have seen who you are; then there is nothing left except to share your being with others. Love is when you have seen that you are not separate from existence. Love is when you have felt an organic, orgasmic unity with all that is. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it has nothing to do with anybody else. One is not in love, one is love. And of course when one is love, one is in love – but that is an outcome, a by-product; that is not the source. The source is that one is love.
~ Osho

The post Love appeared first on Venuskind.

“In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”
~ Soren Kierkegaard

True and lasting intimacy is not possible with those who hide, repress or deny aspects of themselves. Conscious relating begins and thrives on ongoing and deepening self revelation and self knowledge.

Art by Aykut Aydogdu

The post Know the Self appeared first on Venuskind.