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I prefer to get as much of these out of the way before deciding to explore the possibilities of deeper connection with someone than to deal with the drama of fallouts and annoyances further down the road. Every time I have not used these tools I have come to regret it later on. 

So here is a list of questions I compiled for my new relationship questionnaire today. My personal list is longer than this as there are individual questions relating to my preferences which I am not sharing here but this is an overview to give you an idea of it.

If you can approach creating and sharing your relationship questionnaire with a playful and honest spirit it can make not only for great conversations and insights into each others perceptions and inner worlds but also be very enriching. And if done well this will be an important part of building a solid foundation of honesty, transparency, intimacy, trust and love for your relationship.

The process of composing your questions and answers to them allows you to see your needs, wants and wishes black on white and gives you a deeper sense of clarity. It helps to go back to it whenever you experience or remember situations from past relationships that have been wonderful or challenging to keep expanding it. Once you have been at it for a couple of years and have grown and changed in the meantime, you will see where your needs and boundaries have shifted and what has gained in weight as other things have lost their meaning. Giving you a more tangible way of knowing your fluidity and growth.

These questionnaires are a pleasurable way I track my changes and shifts and a fun way of inviting others to meet on deeper levels of self reflection and co-creation. I hope this inspires you to venture into reflecting and maybe doing something like this for your benefit and other’s as well. It can be a great way of sparking reflections on the current state of your relationship with your partner and get you to playfully envision how you can grow and expand within the container of your relationship.

Whatever you choose to do with this, I wish you blessed and blissful relationships with self and others!

Relationship Questions

• What is your idea/vision/definition of a great relationship?
• How does a great relationship make you feel?
• What helps you to feel loved, appreciated, validated, respected, safe, free and any of the feelings you answered the previous question with?
• Are you willing to work on relationship issues with the help of others (coach, therapist, healer)?
• What is your vision for your life?
• What is your soul’s purpose in this incarnation?
• Do you practice any form of self work and if so how?
• How do you work with ego, shadow and darkness?
• What practices do you have to nourish your soul, heart, body and mind?
• How often do you practice these?
• What are your faults and woundings that have shown up in your relationships?
• What helps you find back to balance or equanimity in those moments?
• What do you want a partner to bring to the table?
• Which unmet needs would constitute a dealbreaker and reason to end a relationship?
• What are your non-negotiables about your life and where are you open to changes?
• Are there “best practices” or rituals you would like to bring to a new relationship?
• How enmeshed or independent do you want your relationships to be?
• How do you envision a shared life?
• How much alone time do you need?
• What are your primary love languages?
• What is your erotic blueprint?
• How do you feel about public displays of affection?
• What are your erotic and sexual preferences?
• Which functionalities does sex have for you?
• What turns you on and what turns you off?
• What do you want a partner to bring to your shared sex life?
• How open are you to experimenting and expanding your sexuality?

Photography: Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon by Annie Leibovitz, 1995

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It’s easy to fall for the wiles of the ego that tells us caring for them means to give them „tough love“ and yes, it’s important to assert boundaries to protect ourselves from undue harm and continuous disregard for our feelings and rights. Yet being harsh, self-righteous and insensitive with someone’s feelings and rights in return for equal actions is plain childish behavior we need to leave behind in our process of maturing.

It’s easy to fall into patronizing, denigrating and contemptuous tones and behaviors but true mastery of love demands a different kind of strength. The strength to abstain from saying the things that disempower and reduce the other and to keep ourselves firmly focused on finding solutions that embrace the validity of differing views, realities, feelings and dynamics while creating outcomes that are a win for all involved.

Let us discard beliefs that sugarcoat and reframe unloving actions and words as being acceptable because our motivation was loving and caring. Let’s invest ourselves in lovingly listening, co-operating and co-creating understanding, common ground and solutions which honor and respect everyone – no matter what the circumstances are! Let us learn to be respectful of everyone’s humanity and respond to their behavior from consciousness and love. Because remember, if we deny one, we deny everyone’s human rights.

We are in this together and the fastest way we are getting out of this is: together!

~ 21.08.2014

Photograph: Tokyo, Japan, 1964 by Michael Rougier

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“One of the biggest fallacies in our society is that people fall out of love. Love changes and shifts, sure, but people fall out of respect, intimacy, and trust. They don’t fall out of love.”
~Christine Arylo

Photo: Drop by Alex Stoddard

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„@harnaamkaur and I are tired of your shitty gender roles. We shot this series for @theparallelmag to challenge what people are “allowed to do.” She has a beard due to a medical condition. She loves it and kills it! As for me, I just want to wear a skirt sometimes cuz I think it can look dope! The fact we socially relegate these fashion and styling attributes to certain genders just seems so frivolous and dangerous when you consider how aggressive people get when their confronted with these things that don’t fit into their understanding of how the world works. At the end of the day, just be yourself and love yourself and don’t judge others who are living that way. Think outside the parameters that we are lead to believe are absolute and see the world as it is! Much love to all of you!“
~ stayragged.tumblr.com

This resonates very much with my love for freedom of self expression and a global unity in diversity.
And I have to admit my beard crush as a the passionately beard averse I am when I look at @harnaamkaur‘s silky beard.

Here is something to contemplate for those who feel the need to reject, denigrate and shame others for their self expression or body:

„I am fond of reminding my yoga students of the saying “It takes one to know one” when they become lost I condemnation and judgment of others. The world that we perceive is a reflection of our own states of mind and reveals our own level of consciousness. The world is little more than a Rorschach blot in which we see our own desire systems projected. We see what we want to see.“
Prem Prakash

Wouldn’t it be easier to accept all of yourself and find peace and joy within as without? At minimum worth a try or two.

?: @sophieephotos
?: @kateoffthewall
?: @roxannechanelmurray

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This mean ego move is not unknown to me, I have been doing this and might be in the danger of doing so when triggered, out of ignorance and lack of sensitivity.

I understand the discomfort with labels some might feel with a view to how many people utilize them as a means of setting themselves apart, exotizing the other or rendering the unique human being behind it invisible in any other way.
I get the subtle ways words and labels can have a self-limiting and -isolating effect if we are not mindful. “I AM” is a very powerful self programming sequence that can be useful or create unexpected suffering when chosen unwisely.

Rejecting the use of any labels or self chosen prescriptive of others is an expression of a lack of respect and understanding of another human’s equality and sovereignty. It speaks to me of the person’s lack of freedom to be all of who he truly is due to strict critical and judgmental self-management.
Not using labels, as a shorthand to convey multi-layered concepts, ideas or identities without adequate explanations is showing a lack in communication skills and understanding of its challenges. When you side-step labels to monologize on their content you might be in danger of being disrespectful of another’s time and communication preferences.
If using an appropriate label gives you a feeling of being “less than” our being out of your league and makes you reject and reframe the meaning the labels instead it speaks of old pain of being shamed to me.

I have compassion for internal conflicts and protective patterns but fiercely oppose the externalization that hurts another’s feeling or becomes part of systemic oppression.
Our discomfort and pain are invitations to inquire, to educate ourselves and use the tools of language even if they are lacking. When we follow that invitation and explore we inevitably will be met in our shared humanity and enriched by the diversity of lived and embodied realities and the kaleidoscope of insights it affords those open to receive.

The freedom of some to relabel themselves and their preferences is an act of liberation for all, opening the pathway to understanding our society and freeing ourselves from any label that limits our self expression.

Respecting everyone’s freedom of expression and choice of labels is a small admission fee to our own freedom, don’t you think?

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