Illness, especially one that is connected with a potential for death, has a way of triggering existential fears. Fears as old as our ancestral lineages, fears embedded in every cell of the body, fears arising from a lack of knowing and trust in true nature. One of these fears is fear of death, the fear that still holds the majority of humanity in its stranglehold. Another fear is the fear of mutilation and/or disability. Both fears are worthy challenges to the mind as it faces its extinction or diminishment in them. 

To a mystic or conscious person who has walked a spiritual path to some depth death no longer has a paralyzing or irrationalizing effect as my perception of it has transformed. In my experience death has been illumined by the light of consciousness to reveal its true nature of a liberator and gracious energetic gateway that transports us to the next dimension of this journey. Due to that I do not fear but actually welcome death, whenever it may come. I love life and the experiences I have in this current embodied form but have no desire to resist my Soul’s call to move on. I deeply trust and know that whatever happens is for my benefit, even if that benefit cannot be fathomed initially it has always revealed itself in time.

The challenge I faced was to dance with the fear of disability and mutilation. To observe compassionately how deeply ingrained it is in the body, to listen to the body and discern its voice of wisdom from its voice of fear. To hold the fearful part with love while using knowledge and conscious knowing to entrain trust and surrender to life. And do all that while navigating everyday life, decisions about next steps that are true to my being, and other people’s opinions, mindsets, and energies externally.

A rewarding challenge, which once again left me in awe as to the strength that is available to me when I meet life head on and anchored in present awareness. Something of a milestone as I observed myself interweaving seriousness and clarity with playful awareness of a larger picture to life, which made it all feel lighter and at times even magical.

Towards the end of my journey, along the standardized path doctors prefer, I heard the call arising from my body and knowing to veer back onto a purely Self directed path. Which meant making choices that the doctors would not like or understand. And I felt genuine compassion for them, trying to make it easy on them to accept my choices by underlining that I take full responsibility for my life and choices and free them from any responsibility of their consequences. On the other hand I offered to keep them in the loop with a view to upcoming test results and developments.

And this is where I realized that the path of the Self I am called to walk is a high stake gamble to those who live from a cosmology of separation consciousness and total identification with the body. My choices induce fear in them while they feel empowering and aligned to me. In my cosmology of oneness and centering true nature beyond the body, what I am called to do feels like sidestepping the pull of distortion and inner dissonance to step back into the slip-stream of consciousness and the ease of its harmonious flow.

It is an invitation to understand health as consisting of two seemingly contradictory realities, who are one nonetheless. Like the seeming contraction of Quantum Physics and Newtonian Physics, there are different rules and systems at work in our body and *all* have to be honored where they apply.

My body and intuition have been in alignment with the first recommended treatments, which surprised and intrigued me. And which is why I wholeheartedly embraced these treatments and immersed myself in receptivity to the goodness that came with it. 

Then my body and intuition signaled that we are done walking this path and another is needed to integrate and heal fully. 

The inner guidance system has been leading me to delve into more research on current medical knowledge, insights, and research and concurrently synchronistically lead me towards the path that is mine to walk. I have opened myself to feel as fully as I can, to allow all voices within me to speak and know they will be heard, to take a lot of alone time to contemplate and digest it all, and lastly keep asking my intuition for guidance and clarity.

In hindsight the contours of a subtle lesson begin to take a fascinating form. What I have been guided to do was moving between two dimensions of consciousness on all dimensions of experience (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) and to know their oneness in the process. Knowing them as one heals any rifts, or resistances, that arise from separation consciousness which lies at the core of dis-ease of the body and loss of wellbeing.

Now I am focused on Self healing, which to me means letting the Self heal all that disrupts the health of the body and bring it back into balance wherever it has been out of balance. Addressing all layers ( trauma, metabolic, genetic) with an energetic, nutritional, lifestyle, and consciousness approach beyond words. 

I know that fasting, be it in the form of intermittent fasting or 3 day water fasts will be part of the next step as is the focus on creating a state of hyper nutrition for the body. Though usually meant in a nutritional sense, I got the nudge that it applies to all layers of experience, which need to be intentionally curated to be extra nurturing and abundant in goodness. This is how my body wants to be supported in healing itself and that is what I shall do to the best of my abilities. 

And of course I will be making sure to be seen and tested by my doctors. Thankfully I have doctors who support this journey and will keep an eye on my health and provide helpful nudges and recommendations where necessary. It is a privilege, and the result of a lot of self work, that I get to be supported on all dimensions of health and healing.

Not many will understand, nor concur with, what I am pointing to in my reflections. As what I am pointing to is hard to verbalize and be understood purely rationally but easy to be known, sensed, and felt. I trust those who are ready or need to will resonate with it and be led inwards towards new insights and clarity on their experiences and perceptions of health.

Life is more complex than our current human knowledge, as expansive as it is, can quite grasp nor explain. We do our best with what we have, and sometimes our knowledge holders forget to be mindful of the not-knowing that parallels each knowledge they have gained. And from that forgetfulness of the gatekeepers of knowledge many of us derive misperceptions of reality, or assume limits to our possibilities that are born of fear and a lack of knowledge and understanding. It is human and understandable, but we no longer need to be beholden to such ignorance. 

When we shine the light of consciousness on current knowledge we allow consciousness to gift us knowing, knowing beyond human horizons and in service of life. There are more ways of knowing existence than our reductionist western conditioning acknowledges or values, nonetheless they are as valuable and trustworthy when used discerningly and applied where they are most useful. Just like a hammer cannot do a screw-drivers work ,nor vice versa, forms of knowledge and knowing have their time and space where they shine or fail.

Keep inquiring into your guidance systems, keep feeding your mind knowledge from all sources, dare to hold contradicting theories and ideas, and let that wise inner voice direct you to what is true to your path.

Let us never cease praising the treasures we are gifted by the great Beloved as we surrender to life.

Blessed be fellow journeyers of the mystical path.

Photography by Unknown

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But what after all, behind appearances, is this seeming mystery? We can see that it is the Consciousness which had lost itself returning again to itself, emerging out of its giant self-forgetfulness, slowly, painfully, as a Life that is, would be sentient, half-sentient, dimly sentient, wholly sentient and finally struggles to be more than sentient, to be again divinely self conscious, free, infinite, immortal. ~ Sri Aurobindo

I often use the word consciousness and in using it I can already sense the ones who will misunderstand it and mistake my sharings to be about their experience of the waking mind. But consciousness lies beyond the physical brain and body-mind, and though accessible with practice, it is not experienced by many. Especially not by those who have internalized and identified with the disregard for everything that is not pure logic or a product of the mental.

In walking our path the expanding of our senses and ascent through higher layers of mind is not easily and correctly tracked or known without context or contrast. It often takes the encounter of contrast and the limitations we feel when sharing what has become normal and accepted to us with someone who listens intently but has not the slightest clue of what we are talking about. I am not talking about people who are intellectually lazy or unimaginative but about intelligent, engaged and open-minded people. And yet they cannot understand or even remotely grasp the realness, form, function and expansive natures of Intuition and aspects of the Overmind. 

Here again intuition will be read as the gut instinct which is not quite what I mean. The gut instinct is a subconscious body-mind response which is informed by previous experiences of this lifetime as well as  ancestral and karmic memories, its fundamental goal is assuring our survival and safety, and this is what most people experience singularly as intuition. Yet I have come to experience another layer or emanation of intuition which is not sourced from the body-mind and whose objectives are based on alignment with higher Self and Source. An intuition that can be accessed in the higher mind/ overmind layers and necessitates a different kind of silence and attunement to receive and know it. This is what I meant by intuition earlier.

As with many things our lower minds will struggle to accept or believe in the existence of the heart mind, higher mind and higher intuition dimensions until we experience and know aspects of mind beyond the mental and physical. To get there takes a disciplined practice of inner vision, self reflection, knowing and silencing the mind and a capacity to receive and be open without judgement or expectation. This takes whatever time our system needs and our souls choose, for some it will be short for others a long journey. 

All progress on our spiritual path is a gift of grace and not a matter of achievement through doing things right or long enough as I was reminded emphatically a while back. There is nothing to feel superior about as we were graced with whatever access and use of our being we have, nor do we need to feel envy over the gifts of others as life unfolds perfectly for our individual soul’s growth and quest.

This year I have been taken further in my learning and being, and was granted the gift of being united with woman whose gifts are more subtle and expansive than mine. Whose being and sharings speak to the path and magic which lie ahead of this journey into divine self consciousness and freedom.

Yet with gifts we also have to accept the “price” they come at as we are changing. I became aware that I take decidedly less pleasure, sustenance and meaning from connecting with someone not on this journey or not advanced enough in it. Such connections though lovely in a lot of other ways I appreciate and value feel like someone drained color, textures and tastes from life. These exchanges lack aliveness and the delicious shared knowing of the magical glitter of consciousness sparkling through all of life. It took me by surprise and saddened me deeply to own and accept this. 

The change I feel internally can be best compared to suddenly realizing that eating apples no longer pleases and nourishes you but to the contrary it makes you feel hungrier and unwell. And necessitates coming to grips with the loss you feel at knowing it still is a beautiful and sweet apple others can fully enjoy, as you did before you changed and lost your ability to metabolize it.

I am surprised that most parts of me take this loss in a stride and that it didn’t incite a woe-is-me-feeling. I guess the past decade of stripping away all that is not true and real to my soul has trained my lower minds to become better at accepting what is than I give them credit for.

And so the journey continues as I choose once again surrendering and opening to the mystery of consciousness.

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Living from a knowing that all is one and having a profound resonance with the Huna belief that what I perceive as a problem is my problem and in my power to address… I do not feel removed or helpless in facing this nor do I believe I have no part in the cause.

I feel invited and inspired to utilize all my being, with all her tools and power, to co-create with Source.

Before acting though I need to ensure that I have gained clarity and truth from my perceptions and am not being yanked by the leash of conditioning and cultural programming. Therefore I inquire into what I am perceiving, meditating on it, asking to discern the pattern that is being woven into the sacred tapestry of life.

What am I feeling?
Sadness? Despair? Fear? Hate? Empathy with plant life, wild life and humans losing their life and livelihood?
Feeling these feelings and inquiring into their source, the beliefs, wounds, ancestral heritage or collective unconscious expressing through me. Bringing the light of consciousness and awareness to as much of it as I can, while keeping an eye on my wellbeing and self care.

What am I sensing?
A call for holding space? Meditation? Ritual? A call for healing aspects of self in service of the collective unconscious? A call for more direct, political or physical action? A call for a combination of the above or something else?
Asking and discerning how Life is calling me to engage with and support or be a joyous and cooperative part of her flow now. Tuning into Spirit and letting it guide me. Adapting as necessary in full trust of the higher wisdom guiding me.

What purpose is this event serving in the bigger picture?
Opening to the higher mind, all sensate and spiritually sensate information permeating me, listening to the silence or the knowing which makes itself available.

Reminding myself that ensuring my perception and motivations are sourced from my Self and Source and not any other source amplifies the effectivity of my doing.

Reminding myself that everyone is called to engage with and serve Life in a unique way. There is no right/ wrong way of doing life, just a choice of doing it in alignment with conditioning/programming or in alignment with Source. Sometimes both might look the same from an external perspective but what counts, for me, is the quality of awareness and the source of the energy and actions within.

I might equally appreciate calls to actions, donations, meditations, rituals, demonstrations, other political tools or more. Yet I will only join and be part of the things Life has called me to do and intuition has magnetized me to. Such is my path and my daily practice.
My senses are tuned to monitor the source of energy in the calls and my response and bar me from engaging with anything that comes from or creates fear or a lack of honor of oneness, free will and sovereignty for all.

These are interesting times we live in…
May we live well in our creative dance with Life and her numinous fabric of infinite becoming and transforming.

Photography: Meditation V by esee via Deviantart

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I love this little girl with all my being and will gladly let go of anyone who hurts her and doesn’t hear her. She will always be my priority and beloved, all other relationships in my life will be secondary to her.

As we have come a long way I had to apologize for failing her more than I like, yet I am getting better at understanding her needs, honoring her boundaries, moving at her pace while teaching her about my adult perceptions and insights about the world and reframing beliefs and experiences to reveal their exciting possibilities and gifts.

We live in gratitude, magic, miracles and endless blessings and treasures of life as intuition and spirit guide us.
We love easily, generously and freely and live in the belief that everything is possible in life. We have learned to intuit the level of flow, inner peace and ease we need to cultivate and nourish in order to be open to the bounty of life.
We are getting better at discerning who comes to us as a catalyst or teacher for a short while and who is meant to stay by our side..
We have amazing and inspiring people in our lives, whose inner children have become beloved play mates and co-creators of fabulous experiences and much admired fellow journeyers in this life.
We keep meeting wonderful and expansive new people, always open to include more into our tribe as we are open to let them go when our time has come to an end.

How blessed we are to have this loving and caring relationship after all the pain, separation and unlove we experienced… I am feeling very proud of my little girl and my primary relationship.

*

Photo by Jan C. Schlegel – Alitash (9), Hamer tribe, Ethiopia

In the Hamar language, Alitash’s name means: “I never want to loose you, whenever I look for you may I find you again always. You are a precious treasure.”

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