How do I explain that my mind is reeling while trying to differentiate and keep apart timelines, feelings and persons?

How do I own and express to him that I know it’s unfair that he is affected by my childhood trauma and that I choose to protect and love my inner child even if it means hurting his feelings in the process?

How do I hold space for his hurt without collapsing into abandoning myself  while gently advocating for my wounded child?

How do I express my gratitude for our meeting because it revealed an unconscious effect of my past and helped me avoid hurting myself and others in this way again now that I gained an understanding of this trigger?

~ June 2016

Art by Unknown

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Not choosing to do for themselves what they would do for others, if only temporary as their consistency is equally weakened by the tyranny of the shadow of self sabotage.
Not wanting to reflect on why they act this way, not wanting to put in a little effort in shifting out of this pain.
Not wanting to give up on the ‘rewards’ of complaining to others about all their drama, pains, and aches.

Defiantly parading their self abandonment and painfully obvious self destruction, eating, drinking, doing all the things they know are bad for them. While telling others to live healthy, expressing knowledge about what would serve their health as well, which they will pretend to not know about when confronted with their choices.

“Well, we don’t know what kind of food is truly good for us, one scientist says x is good for you another says its bad…”
“Don’t I deserve to have some joy in life?”
“What is it to you what I eat/drink/do? This is my life after all!”

Avoiding any treatment or change to lifestyle that could bring healing or betterment, but making a production of turning disjointedly and unskillfully to home or folk remedies they have heard something about somewhere. Not even investing in knowing how and when to apply these remedies.
It is asking too much of them to research their ailments, try to understand the workings of their body or psyche, though they have the capacity and time for it. But they will generously pour vast amounts of time and energy is researching or engaging with meaningless stuff or into their favored form of distraction and avoidance.

Why on earth can’t I stop ‘caring’ or rather engaging?
Why can’t I accept their self-destructivity as a given reality and redirect my attention elsewhere?
Why haven’t I learned after watching them do this for years, even decades?

How much of the anger this triggers is anger at them, how much of it is anger at myself, at the parts that act like them and at the parts that cannot let go?
Which part of this anger is healthy and which part could be self-harming?

What in me needs integration to free me from this old shadow dance?
What does it take to reclaim detachment to this distortion in my perceptive field?

Who is it that seethes with anger at this experience?
It is not I is it?

I know this is my issue – of my creation. It has nothing to do with them, or their choices.

The perceptive lens needs cleaning and correction:

I am not this body.
I am not this mind.

I AM

Photography by Pukilin via Flickr

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I am writing this as a shared inquiry for you and me and allow reflections on expressions of power and inquiry into our experiences answer what makes power in or of a couple an expression of healthy/balanced dynamics or individuals and when it is an unhealthy/unbalanced expression for us individually. Abstaining from sharing my take on what makes a power couple feel dysfunctional/unhealthy and what qualifies and sets a powerful couple apart for me, though I have gained quite some clarity on it, allows more space for your explorations and truths sans coloring or limitations due to my perceptions and biases.

Power is never static, for power is not a thing that we can hold or store, it is a movement, a relationship, a balance, fluid and changing. The power one person can wield over another is dependent on a myriad of external factors and subtle agreements.
~Starhawk

Expressions of Power

Let us begin by touching on the different expressions of power we may be observing or unconsciously conflating. They might help us discern differences, make new layers visible, and inspire reflections on how we wish to express and nurture power in all our relationships. For the sake of brevity I will only share short definitions, which are far from exhaustive but hopefully give you an idea of the mentioned expressions of power.

Power Over

Most of what we have learned to think of as power is power over. This type of power is derived from and built on hierarchy, domination, coercion, force or control. It necessitates someone to have power while others have none or little, it can be as benign as a chair having power over our posture and as dangerous as someone having coercive power over another’s wellbeing or life.
Power over arises from a (un)conscious belief in scarcity and separation consciousness.

Power Within

Power within arises from an individual or collective sense of self-worth, value, dignity, capacity and includes the ability to recognize differences while respecting others. This is enhanced on the spiritual path as we cultivate self love and embrace as well as experience more of our capacity to change ourselves and our realities.

Power To

This power is rooted in the belief (or knowing) that every individual has the power to make a difference. Arising from the unique potential of every being to shape their life and world, it is a power to make a difference, create something new, or to achieve goals and visions. This is where our gifts to the world express as an aligned and blessing form of power.

Power With

Power with is shared power which arises from cooperation and relationships, the ability to act together. It helps build bridges across different interests, experiences, and knowledge and is about bringing resources, capacities and knowledge together to co-create synergistically resolutions and innovations. This power is amplified on our spiritual path when it takes us into mystical experiences and knowing of the oneness of all that is.

“The key to wisdom is this – constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question, by questioning we arrive at the truth.”
~ Peter Abelard

Inquiry

With these expressions of power in mind I found following lines of inquiry or questions to yield fruitful insights and discernment. Please feel free to add whatever questions and contemplations feel relevant to you and your experiences. And feel free to share them with me if you feel inclined to.

What kind of power is it?

Which of the above manifestations of power am I sensing/observing/experiencing in the couple/ my relationship? Does this power manifest to move and shake, from social clout, from physical beauty, through career or financial success, from alignment with cultural expectations and social scripts? Is it manifested beyond mundane aspects as love, compassion, wisdom, etc. or expressing as shared growth and creativity?

Where does the power arise from?

Is the power will driven (lower mind), driven by unconscious shadow aspects, driven by desires born of scarcity and separation consciousness? Does it arise from Self, to serve creative expression, to serve love, life and others from a knowing of oneness?

Is this power being felt, experienced or expressed, and if so on which level?

Is the power expressing on the emotionally, intuitively, mentally, spiritually dimension?
Is it felt by the pair and/or others? Is the couple experiencing said power primarily through its manifestations and workings (impossible obstacles are overcome, cooperation is given by hostile parties, etc.) and by the level of trust in and/or knowing of their union? Are they expressing power from a place of will, self-attributing being a power couple, and do they have a strong or obsessive attachment to being perceived as a power couple?

Relationship as an Entity of its Own

In further contemplations an aspect of my inner vision of relating and relationships proved quite central in my reflections of power in couple hood.

In my experience and knowing a relationship or the “we’ is an entity in its own right with its own needs, preferences and purpose, and in deeper reflection I realized that it sometimes becomes an ‘egregore’ of sorts. The power and expression of it by the relational egregore is dependent on the energy and intentions it is fed by the couple. It can be a force of healing and growth, be ambivalent, or a force of imbalance and harm. For the most part such feeding happens unconsciously and with material from individual un- and subconscious of the partners and the collective un/conscious field.
But, as with most things thankfully, there is a possibility to make these unconscious effects more conscious allowing us to intentionally feed our relationship entity through conscious attunement to each other, shared inquiry and vision quests into the current state of the relationship, co-creation of higher vision for the relationship, developing tools and practices for growth and to embody more of the higher vision, and much more.
Regardless of the intentional or unconscious nature of the cultivation relational egregores express and radiate power, visible or tangible power which the couple and others perceive as differentiated from the partners.

My personal attraction to powerful relationships and wish to be in such arises from my fascination with the mystery, dynamics, and potentiality of the relational egregore and creative challenge in shaping it into a power for change, growth, harmonious resonance with life, and blessing to all who are touched by it. I have a clear and deep seated sense of what it feels like to be in such a connection, from flashes of insights or experiences shared in previous or ongoing relationships and from a deep knowing and magnetic pull of my heart and soul.

Photography: Aragorn & Arwen, Return of the King, Movie Still

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 Today I want to share one of my playful visioning tools of inquiry into my being’s current vision of an aligned beloved and partner:

Give yourself enough undisturbed time for this explorative journey. Make yourself comfortable and drop into your heart, ask her to show you the relationship that makes your heart and soul sing with bliss, utilizing all of your senses make the journey come alive in full sensory high-definition.

When you have connected you can ask the first question below to get more detailed visions, answers, sensations, and knowing. Listen deeply. Let your heart guide you. Write the answers down when you feel your heart’s revelations are complete. Then pose the next question, listen and repeat until all questions have been answered. 

This is not something that is necessary revealed to you in one go. Contemplate your heart’s answers, feel into them, get to know your most tender, sensual, playful, pragmatic, spiritual needs in intimate relating. Keep revisiting this journey as you feel intuitively guided, become as deeply intimate with the felt and sensed frequency of your beloved as you can. Add whatever questions your heart deems important.

Most of all keep it light, playful, dream big, be outrageous in your wishes and dreams, and trust you deserve all that makes your heart come alive and overflow with love.

Acknowledge whatever limiting beliefs, fears or negative memories might come up and let them know you will give them their own time and space but this is not it. Make time to address them some other time with love and compassion. Heal what needs healing, release whatever needs releasing. 

I wish you clarity and a delicious harmonious resonance in communing with your heart, soul and beloved.

What kind of person are they?

Which core qualities do they embody?

How do they embody self love?

How do they live their life?

How do they show up in relationships?

How do they show up in relating to you?

How do they relate to others?

What makes them special to you?

How do you show up in the relationship with them? 

What do you feel like relating to them?

How do they enrich your life?

What makes them a great partner?

Photography by Unknown

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This mean ego move is not unknown to me, I have been doing this and might be in the danger of doing so when triggered, out of ignorance and lack of sensitivity.

I understand the discomfort with labels some might feel with a view to how many people utilize them as a means of setting themselves apart, exotizing the other or rendering the unique human being behind it invisible in any other way.
I get the subtle ways words and labels can have a self-limiting and -isolating effect if we are not mindful. “I AM” is a very powerful self programming sequence that can be useful or create unexpected suffering when chosen unwisely.

Rejecting the use of any labels or self chosen prescriptive of others is an expression of a lack of respect and understanding of another human’s equality and sovereignty. It speaks to me of the person’s lack of freedom to be all of who he truly is due to strict critical and judgmental self-management.
Not using labels, as a shorthand to convey multi-layered concepts, ideas or identities without adequate explanations is showing a lack in communication skills and understanding of its challenges. When you side-step labels to monologize on their content you might be in danger of being disrespectful of another’s time and communication preferences.
If using an appropriate label gives you a feeling of being “less than” our being out of your league and makes you reject and reframe the meaning the labels instead it speaks of old pain of being shamed to me.

I have compassion for internal conflicts and protective patterns but fiercely oppose the externalization that hurts another’s feeling or becomes part of systemic oppression.
Our discomfort and pain are invitations to inquire, to educate ourselves and use the tools of language even if they are lacking. When we follow that invitation and explore we inevitably will be met in our shared humanity and enriched by the diversity of lived and embodied realities and the kaleidoscope of insights it affords those open to receive.

The freedom of some to relabel themselves and their preferences is an act of liberation for all, opening the pathway to understanding our society and freeing ourselves from any label that limits our self expression.

Respecting everyone’s freedom of expression and choice of labels is a small admission fee to our own freedom, don’t you think?

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