I am fascinated how hard it is for the tender and longing aspect in me to let go of the hope that existing connections can change and take a form that is mutually nurturing and expansive. The naive rationale that where there is sympathy or love there has to be a way of connecting deeper and finding the flow that nourishes and makes our hearts come alive. I have sat in contemplation of what it is that keeps our repetition compulsion going when our behavioral patterns never bring about the desired or needed outcome. How young and vulnerable these aspects within are that engage with life from the limited and magical thinking of a young child.

Teaching this aspect that the connection, flow and love it seeks is already available in my life, even if not in the connection it is focused on. Learning to redirect her focus on where love and affection are always available and flowing, making her realize that she no longer lives in scarcity and can let go of the grasping pattern. Showing her that focusing and fully opening to and engaging in the connections that naturally and effortlessly take to depths and heights more than fills all our cups of love, wellbeing, and joy. No need to make other connections be anything else than what they naturally are.

One of the most challenging lessons is teaching these young and tender aspects within to let go of their grasping, their asking for reality to change, for others to be different to who they really are instead of accepting reality as it presents and finding creative ways to fulfill needs and find joy in circumstances as they are. On a mental and cognitive dimension this is a simple thing to understand but the emotional and physical are slow to embrace changes in perception. Maybe this is the reason why it takes long and repeat periods in the ‘hanged man’ position, to speak once again in tarot, for us to shift out of old survival or adaptive patterns. There is something to these periods of suspension in the in-between that works on the subconscious and emotional body in healing and integrative ways.

Nothing compares to the massive feeling of relief and peace that take hold when said aspects embrace reality as it is and find they not only survive in doing so but begin to live and thrive for it. Even though it is accompanied with a depth of grief that may surprise and challenge us to be present and gentle with ourselves as it makes itself felt and known. Yes, there is a deep sadness, a feeling of loss and deprivation that wants to be felt as a message from years long gone and a self not allowing and capable of feeling these truths of experience.

When my adult eyes and mind surveyed my connections from this new inner state of healing I was able to let go of connections, which used to trigger this aspect in me as they ‘starved’ me emotionally for various and individual reasons. I let them go in love and gratitude for showing up in my experience as teachers and healing lessons and with wishes of goodness and blessings to them. 

Similar to the hopeful self-torture of keeping clothes that no longer fit our bodies in our closets as ‘motivation’, my subconscious patterns kept connections in my experience which were not aligned with my being. Now I could see the connections in their emptiness, their anachronism, and incompatibility with effortless clarity and no longer felt a need to stay connected.

Disconnecting and moving on brought on a feeling of ‘rightness’ or better alignment and flow into my experience of my relational field. Though not all connections that remained are connections at the depth of bonding and flow I prefer, they all feel good and aligned with me as they are. 

I celebrate depth where it is available and everywhere else I show up in a mirror of the depth, presence, affection, and care or from whatever level my authenticity wants to engage with them.

Instead of unconsciously trying to futilely deepen connections beyond their natural capacity and form, I consciously accept them for what they are from wholeness and emotional abundance within. Given my acceptance of the reality that what my heart seeks may be rare and not available in relating with the majority of people, I am even more appreciative, grateful, protective and nurturing of the connections which show up in said form.

I remain open to more beings meeting me in the depths and heights of heart and consciousness and the possibility of shared magical and transcendent explorations and experiences. Committed to compassion and acceptance with all the other relations which lack the glitter of stardust and droplets of the water of life.

And I bow to life as it unfolds in it multidimensional form, to the breadth of experiences available to us on our planet, and to the ability of consciousness to direct our path through this wild, magical and messy playground.

I bow in gratitude to the lessons that taught me the sweetness of yielding to life.

Art: Blanc Arctique by Sophie Wilkins 

The post The Unmet Yielding into Wholeness appeared first on Venuskind.

I am naturally generous

I love giving and sharing what is mine to share, there is no joy for me in hoarding things while another could make good use of them to enhance their experience and joy.
As I have gone through several cycles of lessons with takers, selfish people, and abusers which are never far from generous people, there are clear and non-negotiable boundaries to my giving. You might not sense them or come against them until I sense a lack in adequate reciprocation, a sense of entitlement to what is mine, taking me for granted, or trying to play games. Then, depending on the degree of seriousness, you will see the boundary illuminating my generous self in a way that reveals my warrior heart underneath it or make you taste some medicine.

I take full responsibility for my life

In the beginning many enjoy this as novel and intriguing as it takes expectations and coercions, which are normalized in relationships, off the table in engaging with me. Especially selfish/player types feels like they can get away with more or dupe me.
Though I do not expect others to share my beliefs and lifestyle, their choices do define if and where they may or may not fit into my experience. Living from a perceptive vantage point running contrary to common culture creates a need to keep a close eye on the energy of those close to me and my circles in general. Which means that I will keep stepping back from someone, who does not embody responsibility for their life, until the distance makes it feasible to have that person in my life. Which also translates as getting less and less of my energy, attention, and time until I eventually move on and end the connection.

Integrity is key to my life path

I am held to learning about and living from integrity in this life.
And having circled a few times around the sun while learning lessons on integrity from master manipulators, intimate betrayals, and more from the narcissistic playbook, I have functional boundaries and best practices in place even if they are not initially visible.
Generally I prefer to disconnect from anyone consciously choosing to walk a path lacking in integrity. Mind you, not because it is inherently evil but because I had my fill of experiences based in the shadow aspects of integrity and now intend to learn from the light aspects for a change.
The point of discernment if someone stays or goes is how they engage with their current lack of integrity. Are they struggling with it and doing their best to grow and move into integrity? Are they smug or in total denial of it? Does their ego feign incompetence and victimhood in order not to be held accountable and responsible to change?
Expect less leeway if our dynamic has veered me away from my integrity. I will put my whole effort into getting back into integrity, once done, the gaze on you will be compassionate but the steel of my commitment to integrity will stand against you and keep you at a distance appropriate to energies which are not conducive to my purpose. I might move slow, for my own benefit, but once I decide to move there is no turning back.

Learning, growth and wisdom are key to my life path

Whatever supports me in learning is welcome, even if painful in nature. Whatever stands in the way of my growth, holds me back, or slows me down by trying (non-consensually) to ride my coat tails is not welcome and will be dealt with swiftly and unapologetically.
I do not take kindly to things which stand in the way of my learning, regardless if they are internal/external or positive/negative. At best I take them as a playful challenge to work/grow around and leave behind, at worst I take them as something asking for my Taurean horns and power.
Don’t play yourself and think that someone who will ruthlessly root out even beloved patterns within her will be swayed by your cuteness or a shared history. Everything is fair game if it stubbornly takes the form of an obstruction.

I choose to surround myself with people I love, admire, and learn with

I understand how surrounding energies subtly yet profoundly influence us, which is why I am very clear on which energies I accept in my inner/outer circles, and which will block access to my life.
My life has thankfully been blessed with connections of immeasurable value next to the wild mix of contrast it offers. And I am not speaking of celebrity status or money but of true value gained and cultivated by hard work across lifetimes, gifts, energetic frequencies, and showing up consistently with qualities of wisdom, kindness, love, joy, playfulness, insightfulness in the face of life’s adversities and pleasures equally.
I have no interest in being surrounded by people who are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually lazy or complacent in their deliberate ignorances, though theirs is an equally valid way of ‘doing human’ to me.
I am only mildly interested in those who chose lives of self-destructivity or self-sabotage, regardless if they do it in what is deemed a glamorous or destitute way.
My interests firmly lie with those who chose specific types of excellence that speak to my soul and consciousness, those who silently and persistently work towards inner mastery and service to the All from higher consciousness not their ‘pain body.’ Everything else is at best an entertaining and at worst a background noise to be silenced.

I am loyal

I am fiercely loyal to my friends, will stand by their side and in front of them if necessary. My friends are what family is to others, they are my family of choice, family of spirit, and soul family. It takes a lot to make me walk away from a long standing friendship or relationship!
As long as you walk in integrity, honest, accountability — read as trustworthiness — we are golden. If you should fall out of these, for more than a short while, I will support you in your journey and growth of reclaiming them should you ask me to and show sincere effort.
But if you show lack of trustworthiness, avoid contact though I reach out repeatedly, become disrespectful of my time, energy and person I will move on in a heartbeat. And no, I will not first talk to you about it as from my vantage point we are no longer treading common ground.

I am playful but I do not play

Don’t mistake my lightheartedness and playfulness for a lack of seriousness or grit. I can step at any given moment into full warrior mode and use my swords of truth and intuition to cut through smoke screens, lies, games, and other BS. Which is a fun exercise to me really and no hardship. Invite me and you will get a taste of its glorious joyful flow or the bite of said blades revealing truths and falsities, depending on where you stand.

I will not hurt you intentionally

No longer am I wasting my energy on illusions of retaliation, no longer do my wounded parts get to avenge themselves for a painful past on the current protagonists.
My shadow and darkness are allowed to express internally but rarely allowed to come out and play in the old ways. And as they have come to accept the truth that Karma knows to make you pay justly in a currency that is dear to you, I have become good at walking away and letting life deal with people who show up in hurtful, disrespectful, manipulative, etc., ways. I no longer make them my problem and respect that they belong to Lady Karma, to deal with in her divine time.

I choose to take my energy and invest it into life-giving, expansive, joyful things, relationships, projects, thoughts. Or I channel the energy into self love for delicious dividends from the drama observed and happily side-stepped.

The benefits of my way of engaging

Whatever I do, I always end up thanking the adversarial energy or person for enriching my life by creating contrast, making me learn, stretch and get better at inner mastery.

I simply cannot lose in this little game of BEING human because everything enhances my experience and offers me an opportunity for growth or pivoting towards more fruitful endeavors and connections.

It is up to you and your behavior if you are, and remain, part of this playful unfolding of magic or need to be left to the past.

Sculpture by Bruno Walpoth

The post How I Engage with Life and People appeared first on Venuskind.

For letting me repose in and relish desireless EMPTINESS and delight in embodying the void.

For making me ask myself how I can bring more of the qualities of the VOID to my experiences and encounters.

For teaching me to face REALITY as it is and stop fighting, denying, or projecting upon it from fear and a lack of acceptance.

For helping me get crystal clear who ‘my kind of people’ are by correcting my perceptions of embodied and lived SPIRITUALITY and alignment with my being.

For making me read Alexandra Stein’s “Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems” and plunging me into revisiting my past to purge more of the damages incurred by MANIPULATION, BETRAYAL, COERCION and OPPRESSION. A harrowing and dark experience which liberated me and created space for more possibilities in my perceptions and life.

For ongoing and potent DREAMWORK to release past woundings and misperception, inspire new lines of inquiry, and to introduce new emotional and energetic set points.

For deepening my lessons on FULLY SURRENDERING to SELF, teaching me to let go of willing and instead to intend and show up, while trusting deeply in the fulfillment of my Soul’s desires. Releasing more of my identifications with my tribe of selves as well as becoming more compassionate and considerate of them.

Teaching me that the BLISS the mystics speak of is not just to be found in ‘peak experiences’ or ‘peak phenomena’ but also in the elation derived from surrender to Self, heart-centered being (not emotion-centered being there is a crucial difference), the integration of shadow, and the transmutation of the conditioned self through the luminous power of consciousness. This kind of bliss is not reliant on external circumstances or the absence of pain or suffering, its subtle and pervasive nature shines through all of experience and brings levity and joy to the attuned being, which in turn allows for even more expansion into being and blissfulness.

For healing more of my MISPERCEPTIONS and ATTACHMENTS to one of my parents, moving me from the toxicity of neediness and resentment towards compassionate detachment.

For DEARMORING me and teaching me to feel more and cultivate useful skills in navigating life from a more open and vulnerable state by deepening my trust and Self-leadership.

For guiding me to expand into PLAYFULNESS and release limiting thinking and self censorship.

For teaching me to RELATE and LOVE in a new way by gifting me with deeply meaningful and expansive explorative experiences with evolutionary minded Souls. Allowing me to get intimate with all aspects of myself and become clear on what I truly need, want, and desire in relationships and how to manifest it, whilst reminding me to beware of settling for ‘less than’ my being desires.

For giving me the realization that I no longer turn to LOVE RELATIONSHIPS as a panacea for a deficit of love, as that has been taken care of by self and tribe love, but to co-create evolutionary containers for shared magical and extraordinary adventures.

For making me conscious of the unconscious AMBIVALENCE towards men that steeped relating with them into a dualistic dynamic of desire/delight on the one hand and fear/repulsion on the other.

For teaching me about the importance of an internal felt sense of EQUALITY, POWER, and ADMIRATION in love relationships.

For giving me opportunities to practice OPENING FULLY to a man and surrendering to the experience of relating with trust. And also reminding me that having an attraction, great connection, or feelings of love for someone doesn’t imply a need for turning it into a committed relationship.

For helping me remember, reclaim, and update old DREAMS and aspects of my being.

For inspiring me to create a new VISION BOARD from a knowing of wholeness and understanding of what fulfills and grows me instead of the distortions of desires and unconscious scarcity beliefs.

For giving me an opportunity to actively and PHYSICALLY CHANGE what doesn’t align with or serve me, which was unbelievable rewarding and important at this point of my journey. After years of having been taught to be patient and trust the unfolding without physically intervening this felt especially liberating and delightful.

For reminding me what great delight and pride I take in the WORK OF MY OWN HANDS and that it is way sweeter than enjoying the luxury of having someone else take care of stuff for me. And that no matter how tired, sore or exhausted I felt my little bull’s heart was aglow with glee.

For giving me ample opportunities to be sensing, experiencing and seeing the vastness of my STRENGTH, DISCIPLINE, and PERSISTENCE in expression and enjoy how amazing it feels.

For allowing me to discard things, which my mother had held onto without my consent or knowing, and which kept unwanted energetic cords alive with past aspects of my life. And for the delight that followed said DISCARDING as rushes of energy returned to my body and being.

For granting me the knowing that every part of me and the ego mind which operates on adversarial perceptions and narratives becomes a SLAVE to duality.

For teaching me that mastering DUALITY does not mean directing or dominating it but rather knowing its true nature and engaging it from consciousness without submitting to identifications, attachments, and dogma.

MASTERY in the mystical sense is not about domination, as that is beholden to fear not love, it is about being ONE WITH duality and playing with its seeming contrasts in creative, joyful, aligned and expansive ways. Seeing through its appearance of duality and contrast to perceive the underlying oneness.

For teaching me about the need and joy of living from ALERT PRESENCE. Not an alertness in the sense of vigilance (which is mostly rooted in fear) but alertness arising from being fully present, open and in harmonic resonance with the rhythm and flow of life.

For giving me the realization that these times call me to be with WHAT IS without getting entangled or invited into shadow play by narratives and stories wanting to wrap themselves around it. They call for my ability to stand strong in my discerning sovereignty and Self while engaging with the moment from curiosity, playfulness, compassion and love. To be CONCURRENTLY SEPARATE and ONE WITH ALL.

Teaching me to no longer allow my mind/body to be pulled in false dichotomies, meet dualities with a knowing and intent of ‘both/and’ to break the spells of limitations and distortion, and to allow Consciousness to offer new perspectives and pathways to INFINITE POSSIBILITIES from the vastness of its wisdom. New perspectives and solutions which not only help me navigate the challenges set before me but also to thrive and delight in engaging with them.

For sensitizing me to the fact that due to my experience of spiritual trauma and entrainment of a narcissistic God, I have to be mindful that the deep-set distrust and ambivalence towards said deity does not CROSS CONTAMINATE subconsciously my relationship with inner Presence (higher Self) or Source.

For teaching me to reclaim and step into my INNOCENCE and access the immense power and spaciousness it comes with as I consistently love on my inner child.

For challenging me to get past linguistic obstacles and learn to express VULNERABILITY as easily in German as I have learned to do in English. Helping me drop some of the unhelpful cultural conditionings and reigniting my love for the poetry and richness of the German language.

For bringing back old and new MALE FRIENDS into my life and teaching us to relate on higher levels of awareness, authenticity, vulnerability, compassion and love. I appreciate and welcome the replacement of friendships lost in years back and the upping of masculine energy in my circles. Acknowledging the fulfillment of longheld wish.

For ending on a gift and high note, which give me a knowing and positive outlook on 2022’s oncoming magic and gifts.

Photography: Chelsea Jackson Roberts by Francesco Mastalia

The post Thank You 2021 appeared first on Venuskind.