She looked at him. “First you have to learn how to FEEL into her”, she replied.

“Well then teach me. Isn’t there a type of tantric massage I can learn to do that?”

“No sweetheart” she said, “you can only learn to feel into a woman by feeling into your own inner feminine.”

“My what? …How?”

“Every time you feel lonely you rush outwards looking for company. When you feel sad you rush outwards looking for entertainment. When you feel horny you rush outwards looking for sex…

…and every single time you rush outwards you neglect her- your inner feminine.

Inside you there is so much depth but you have never entered. There is pain you have never held. There is desire you have never witnessed. There is pleasure you cannot even in your wildest dreams imagine.

That is the She.

She lies within you, neglected and betrayed. Unheard and unseen and abandoned again and again.

She cannot open, blossom and shine unless you listen to her.

She cannot awaken until you are present with her.

How can you even think you can just open a woman outside of you when you have not opened the She within you?

There is a vulnerability and depth yet to be matured within you. Yet you are hoping to open a woman?

You think you can enter her yoni when you have not entered your inner realms? The most you can do is stick your physical body part inside her!

There is no trick. No tool. No technique.

If you “do” anything at all merely give up your actions, stop following your desires. Pause a moment and find what’s at the ROOT of your desire instead of losing all your focus on the object of your desire.

The roots will lead you into an inner world so vast you cannot believe it’s there. Vast underground caves FULL of treasures.

But you must choose.

Choose to go down and in for once, instead of out out out.

Then my dear, then… after developing a loving relationship with your inner She…. THEN you can open a woman. You will not even have to ask how.”

via: Shashi Solluna Tantra

Photography: Unknown

The post How To Open A Woman appeared first on Venuskind.

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.” 

~ Bell Hooks 

You could change the gender and see the same and related coping mechanisms in way too many humans who are partly of wholly emotionally unavailable.

The wounds of rejection and abandonment by our primary caretakers profoundly shift our relationship with love in deeply subconscious and sometimes even conscious ways. Our definitions and ideas of love and relating are skewed and distorted by the experiences we had in our early childhood. The healing and transcendence of our unhelpful coping strategies and misperceptions can only happen in relationships just as the wounds happened in relationships, which of course is a challenge as we usually attract mostly people who will repeat our past experiences and not be wise companions for our healing journey as long as we live from subconscious patterns we blind ourselves to.

Even in making our woundings and patterns conscious we will be attracting those who will repeat our past dynamics and hurts with us, offering us a chance to find new and healthier responses to such occurrences. The degree to which we have developed self acceptance and self love and inner strength defines how much emotional resilience we will have in coping with situations and challenges taking us back to our core wounds.

I have encountered many men who play out complex or twisted unconscious coping games who are adamant that their relationships with their primary caretakers were nothing but loving and perfect. Often emotionally unavailable as they live in a disconnect from their emotions, though they might believe themselves to be connected to them. Those whose ego keeps them in the belief of all being fair and “normal” are the hardest people to be in relationships with, as you clearly see their drama play out while they remain decidedly blind and in denial. Many a conversation, tearful moments and sleepless nights of my life has been wasted on making sense of it of trying to find a way to help them see, make them understand. And yet almost all attempts were to no avail. It took me many years of self work to not allow such painful relationships to last and keep shredding my heart.

These days I leave these men the moment I realize that they are incapable of stepping into a meta level of reflecting on their own behaviors and words. And really who am I to change their survival strategies when they are not ready to let them go? Who am I to dictate their soul’s timing for healing?

I chose to honor our shared sovereignty, the rightness of our individual journeys and to love and honor myself, my needs and wants in relating by loving such beautiful but troubled souls from a distance. There is no denigration in accepting that we are incompatible and do not relate in ways that assure loving and joyful growth and expansion with each other.  I trust that both of us will find others better suited for our unique needs and trajectories.

Unfortunately some men choose to react in immature and unworthy ways as they frame my retreat in their ongoing narrative of unlovability, (ab)using me in their mental self harm rituals. Which truly saddens me but I no longer waste my precious lifetime on trying to change what is. I can see these patterns clearly because my ego has been doing the same often enough to teach me. See, there is no judgement just clear observations and definitely no mincing of words to protect fragile egos which limit and torture. 

I have my own patterns and failings in relating therefore I appreciate those who bring them to my awareness, and I point to the dysfunctional patterns I see if I care for someone and believe they are capable and willing to deal with those things. In my world it is seen as a gift of love to shine a light on these things. 

If you prefer to live in Lalaland and not be made aware of subconscious patters I will accept it but it will exclude you from being in my inner circle and world if you are new. In my world everything is about awareness, consciousness, respect, truth, honesty and growth – if you do not bring these to the table you have to keep it moving, simple.

Photography: Unknown

The post Emotionally Unavailable appeared first on Venuskind.

Men. It is imperative that we respect a woman’s “No”.

Bow to it. Really really hear it.

And if her “No” brings us pain and discomfort, it is imperative that we own that pain, take full responsibility for it. That we give ourselves full permission to feel disappointed, rejected, sad, afraid, abandoned. That we own these uncomfortable feelings, and do not ‘take them out’ on her in our search for discharge and relief.

We acknowledge our own vulnerability. We breathe into the tender and fiery sensations in the belly, chest, throat.
We protect her from our rage and control and passive aggressiveness. We protect ourselves too.

When we are connected to ourselves, we will not judge or shame her for her feelings, needs, boundaries. We will not find ourselves trying to control her, persuade her, fix or advise or ‘heal’ her.

(Spiritual gurus, please take note!)

We will never, ever call her ‘afraid’ or ‘weak’ or ‘trapped in ego’.

We will deeply respect her God-given right to do and say what is best for her. To tell her raw truth. To want us to come closer, or to come no closer. To set limits. To say “this is not okay for me”.

It is imperative to listen. To listen without assumptions.

And we will, in turn, be respecting our own right to say no, to have boundaries, to protect ourselves, to value and trust and express our own feelings of safety and unsafety.

Boundaries do not shut others out – they help us connect, get to know each other, protect our vulnerability, build trust, and keep us safe.

We are all One, all the same, and yet we live in different worlds, and we are so different, and so we have to listen to each other. Boundaries help us navigate this gorgeous paradox.

Boundaries are love, in form.

I love it when people say “No” to me. It feels so honest. I love their freedom. Their autonomy. Their truth. As I love my own.

~ Jeff Foster

Art: Team Lab, Transcending Boundaries immersive installation

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