They often took me by surprise, arising mostly in chance encounters that sparkled with a special kind of glitter. But none of these have been as potent and devastatingly glorious as the one I experienced in an old connection teetering between death and rebirth. 

Energy so strong it shook my being to the core, undoing any armoring, blockages and blinders to flood me with all that I had been keeping hidden from my mind. Confronting me with seemingly novel aspects of self, their desires, dreams and passions. Oh their vast passions and depth of strength that arises from them.

Exploding and rippling through me like bolts of lightning, my mind forced into a helpless and confused surrender as the deluge of insights, emotions, sensations and energetic flow, unlocked by this catalytic moment, kept swelling and speaking new truths that held me in numinosity. Not in a religious definition of the term but in the unique quality of feeling that interweaves awe for the beauty of an experience with a hint of trepidation. 

Never did I realize in the headiness of the experience that it was only to be a beginning to a long and confounding process of falling apart in a kaleidoscope of fragments and reuniting into a new wholeness.

Grounding myself and allowing the experience to reveal its medicine, meaning and potentiality took a lot of energy and time as it was but the circumstances and interactions with the catalyst were also meant to trigger old abandonment, betrayal and neglect wounds with a surprising ferocity. And again I surprised parts of me with how well I could multi-task on growing different dimensions of being, perceiving and engaging while ‘carrying water and chopping wood’ as well as most days.

This has to be the most profound catalytic soul connection and activation moment I have experienced in this life. Maybe it has come now as I have developed enough perceptive acuity to know it for what it is, to understand the workings of higher selves and souls enough to recognize their handwriting on this and surrender to the process. A prearranged energetic healing sequence to rip the veils, release emotional hangups, balance karma and free me to walk my path unhindered by limitations and blockages that have fulfilled their teaching capacity. 

The experience has tested my ability to hold space for myself while doing so for another, expanded my capacity of disconnecting old energies and emotions from the reactivity they habitually trigger, and given me an opportunity to practice loving discernment in balancing the needs of another with my own. Making me experience and know the vastness of space within being and the immensity of strength, resilience and equanimity that spring from 

I have visceral knowing of where to draw the boundary when another’s feelings and actions impact my wellbeing negatively without allowing the past to make me feel unloving, shame or wrong in doing so. I know to discern the difference between impulsive self-protection from wounding and boundaries asserted by self love and self care. It has taught me many lessons on the subtle difference between fragility of ego/wounding and tenderness of heart and fed my preference and courage to remain in the latter.

I understand what it takes for me to sustainably hold space for another without causing harm to myself in that process, deepening my commitment to honoring other’s free will and sovereignty with compassion and love and giving me clarity on where the honoring has to be interwoven with justice and standing by higher truths. 

I intuit that this  was also unique in that the effect was not one-sided as previous catalytic experiences had been but a two-way energetic activation. Which makes it even more magical and precious to me. I cannot be sure how my latest catalyst perceived this or if they even have the tools to make sense of it or integrate the effects of the activation as they retreated into silence and disconnection. 

As beloved as they are to my soul and heart their choice to act in ways unworthy of them and myself preclude any contact or connection between us in the human dimension until justice has rebalanced the scales of our relationship. 

Making the decision to uphold the standards of relating in my life towards them was so hard it sent my inner tribe of selves into weeks of inner dissent until the voices of self love managed to unite them eventually in a new peaceful union. Still, walking away was not easy nor something I wanted, in fact it was the opposite of my desire for a deeper more intimate union and bond with them. Yet I know this boundary is part of what I have to embody fully to walk through the portal of ascendence opening through this energetic shift and rebirth. 

“If the full moon loves you, why worry about the stars?” ~ Tunisian Proverb

The Beloved has painstakingly made it visible and visceral to me in the past decade that toxicity often wears the face of family, friends or a beloved and that loving them does not equal sacrificing my heart, needs and wishes to accommodate their presence in my life. He has taught me to prioritize my soul path, wellbeing and visions for life encoded in my being over and over again. It doesn’t get easier to choose me over them as the Beloved ups the ante with every experience. And how else could he make me feel my strength and capacity to be without those who will not stop abusing, betraying, manipulating and disrespecting me?

It hurts me more than I wish to verbalize to have to walk away from those I hold dear, it takes more energy for self-care and healing to get back to balance than I would ever want to expend. But what else is there to do but accept reality as it is and work with it?

There is a deep knowing in my being that this death and rebirth cycle is a quantum leap towards the manifestation of everything my heart desires and I have been working towards for a long, long time. And it is manifesting – with them in the picture or without.

Another precious reminder of this catalytic soul activations is to hold the visions of love, connection and unions with clarity and consistency and to release any attachments to the presence of specific people in it. 

These moments where the Beloved flows through the form of another human to meet me in the physical are some of my most priced jewels of experience, even though they often come with pain and at the price of parts of self and beliefs that I am called to shed and leave behind. 

They are unique and profound moments of enlightenment, treasured gifts of initiation by the Beloved. 

Initiation into deeper union with Self and the Beloved, within as without. 

Therefore I shall keep saying, even when I am down on my knees and feeling the unbearability of death and rebirth, over and over again: 

Unbreak and let me Blossom in Wholeness and Union Beloved

So we may create a higher multidimensional dance of love 

Spiraling and leaping from the heart of consciousness and creation magic

For this is my Soul’s sacred dream and joyful path of the phoenix.

Art: ‘In bloom, not broken’ by Justin Ifill-Forbes, ⁠model: Windela

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Maybe the strange experiences of the past months served to show me that I had kept loving you way more than any of my other ex partners? Whatever the reasons might be, something about us had remained unfinished until you closed it out now.

But with you I am deeply passionately,         unrequitedly in love.                                                       ~ Virginia Woolf

And as I read this quote today I realized I am finally OK to still be feeling this way as I walk away.

I wonder why it was so hard to simply acknowledge this and move on for the past weeks?

What part of me wanted me immersed in confusion and despair every time someone rejected my offer of love, be it in friendship or more?

Thanks to you I have learned to make peace with the transience of relationships and connections and release more of the expectation of continuity and permanence.

Thanks to you I have had the opportunity to release more of the pain of my original experience of abandonment and rejection. The way you have been triggering this repeatedly makes me believe this to be one of the main functions of our connection: helping me heal my core wounds.

Thanks to you I have observed my reactivities and have clarity on where my self work needs to focus to free myself from this old script.

Thanks to you I had an opportunity to practice loving another in sovereignty, freedom and with compassion even if it challenges and pains my egoic aspects.

Thanks to you I have been able to balance my Karma by paying some of my debts.

Thanks to you I have experienced again the intensity and vastness of my love as I gave what you rejected to myself. And I realized, again, that it is more than enough to be loved by myself. The love that abundantly surrounds us in life is an overflowing surplus assuring the absence of lack.

Thank you for redirecting me towards my dreams, goals and teaching me to stay mindful of my needs and wants when relating.

As I reflect upon the experience of the past months I cannot help but laugh at the silly games we play with ourselves and others. What a strangely hilarious note to end my year on.

And, though I initially felt confused and pained by your silence and coldness, I bid you farewell with nothing but feelings of gratitude and joy, my darling catalyst. Every encounter and exchange with you has made me stronger and helped me become a better version of myself. In our early days the lessons came in light while in the end they came in darkness. A perfect dark yin void to our golden yang beginnings.

Thank you for the blessings and gifts you brought to my life. I hope you are rewarded generously with bliss and contentment.

With my best wishes, love and blessings!

Photography: Unknown

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I love this little girl with all my being and will gladly let go of anyone who hurts her and doesn’t hear her. She will always be my priority and beloved, all other relationships in my life will be secondary to her.

As we have come a long way I had to apologize for failing her more than I like, yet I am getting better at understanding her needs, honoring her boundaries, moving at her pace while teaching her about my adult perceptions and insights about the world and reframing beliefs and experiences to reveal their exciting possibilities and gifts.

We live in gratitude, magic, miracles and endless blessings and treasures of life as intuition and spirit guide us.
We love easily, generously and freely and live in the belief that everything is possible in life. We have learned to intuit the level of flow, inner peace and ease we need to cultivate and nourish in order to be open to the bounty of life.
We are getting better at discerning who comes to us as a catalyst or teacher for a short while and who is meant to stay by our side..
We have amazing and inspiring people in our lives, whose inner children have become beloved play mates and co-creators of fabulous experiences and much admired fellow journeyers in this life.
We keep meeting wonderful and expansive new people, always open to include more into our tribe as we are open to let them go when our time has come to an end.

How blessed we are to have this loving and caring relationship after all the pain, separation and unlove we experienced… I am feeling very proud of my little girl and my primary relationship.

*

Photo by Jan C. Schlegel – Alitash (9), Hamer tribe, Ethiopia

In the Hamar language, Alitash’s name means: “I never want to loose you, whenever I look for you may I find you again always. You are a precious treasure.”

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