What is transparency in relationships?

Transparency means to be open, honest and truthful.In the context of relationships, it is vital to the evolution of the partnership. It shows trust in our partners and our ability to be vulnerable and let someone in to what we are experiencing. Without transparency, there is no sharing and it shuts down growth.

Lack of transparency or openness can cause issues in relationships. Deflection can occur which gets us nowhere and keeps us trapped in a never ending cycle. Keeping someone in the dark and treating them like they have no right to care or to information breaks down communication and leads to the erosion of the partnership.

Why is transparency in relationships so important?

Transparency is important as it sets the depths in which the partnership is able to penetrate. If there is constant deflection, avoidance, excuses, or games there is no way to move deeper. Trust is broken. Communication becomes impossible. The party that is being deflected stops trying. Intimacy is shut down. It closes doors and builds walls. The relationship is effectively frozen.

Relationships are never easy, but they are built for two. If you’re constantly having to beg for someone to let you in, it’s time to walk away. Yes, sometimes we have to spend time alone to figure things out or deal with things. It’s important to have space in relationships in order to figure that out. But if someone is always leaving you in the dark or deflecting when you try to reach out, you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship that really nourishes you. Open, honest communication is vital for the continuation and expansion of relationships. Without this cornerstone, the pillars crumble. The more we open, the deeper we are able to go.

The truth is some people are happy in the shallow end of the relationship stream.

They don’t want to travel the intricate levels of the spirit. They don’t want to open up or have a soul deep connection. And no matter how hard you try to pry them open, you can’t. The important thing in these situations is to acknowledge your own need for greater depth and move on to something that provides that. You deserve someone who is open and willing to let you in. Life is too short to spend begging for someone to open up to you.

~ Ara Campbell

Photography: ‘White Gauze’ by Robert Mapplethorpe

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I prefer to get as much of these out of the way before deciding to explore the possibilities of deeper connection with someone than to deal with the drama of fallouts and annoyances further down the road. Every time I have not used these tools I have come to regret it later on. 

So here is a list of questions I compiled for my new relationship questionnaire today. My personal list is longer than this as there are individual questions relating to my preferences which I am not sharing here but this is an overview to give you an idea of it.

If you can approach creating and sharing your relationship questionnaire with a playful and honest spirit it can make not only for great conversations and insights into each others perceptions and inner worlds but also be very enriching. And if done well this will be an important part of building a solid foundation of honesty, transparency, intimacy, trust and love for your relationship.

The process of composing your questions and answers to them allows you to see your needs, wants and wishes black on white and gives you a deeper sense of clarity. It helps to go back to it whenever you experience or remember situations from past relationships that have been wonderful or challenging to keep expanding it. Once you have been at it for a couple of years and have grown and changed in the meantime, you will see where your needs and boundaries have shifted and what has gained in weight as other things have lost their meaning. Giving you a more tangible way of knowing your fluidity and growth.

These questionnaires are a pleasurable way I track my changes and shifts and a fun way of inviting others to meet on deeper levels of self reflection and co-creation. I hope this inspires you to venture into reflecting and maybe doing something like this for your benefit and other’s as well. It can be a great way of sparking reflections on the current state of your relationship with your partner and get you to playfully envision how you can grow and expand within the container of your relationship.

Whatever you choose to do with this, I wish you blessed and blissful relationships with self and others!

Relationship Questions

• What is your idea/vision/definition of a great relationship?
• How does a great relationship make you feel?
• What helps you to feel loved, appreciated, validated, respected, safe, free and any of the feelings you answered the previous question with?
• Are you willing to work on relationship issues with the help of others (coach, therapist, healer)?
• What is your vision for your life?
• What is your soul’s purpose in this incarnation?
• Do you practice any form of self work and if so how?
• How do you work with ego, shadow and darkness?
• What practices do you have to nourish your soul, heart, body and mind?
• How often do you practice these?
• What are your faults and woundings that have shown up in your relationships?
• What helps you find back to balance or equanimity in those moments?
• What do you want a partner to bring to the table?
• Which unmet needs would constitute a dealbreaker and reason to end a relationship?
• What are your non-negotiables about your life and where are you open to changes?
• Are there “best practices” or rituals you would like to bring to a new relationship?
• How enmeshed or independent do you want your relationships to be?
• How do you envision a shared life?
• How much alone time do you need?
• What are your primary love languages?
• What is your erotic blueprint?
• How do you feel about public displays of affection?
• What are your erotic and sexual preferences?
• Which functionalities does sex have for you?
• What turns you on and what turns you off?
• What do you want a partner to bring to your shared sex life?
• How open are you to experimenting and expanding your sexuality?

Photography: Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon by Annie Leibovitz, 1995

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“In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”
~ Soren Kierkegaard

True and lasting intimacy is not possible with those who hide, repress or deny aspects of themselves. Conscious relating begins and thrives on ongoing and deepening self revelation and self knowledge.

Art by Aykut Aydogdu

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