I held an unconscious misunderstanding of what it means to give of ourselves and our gifts to life for most of this lifetime. Conditioned to (un)consciously take undue responsibility for the wellbeing of all beings and things around me and having come with a contract of lightening and healing karma and distortions in my ancestral lineages was a fruitful if unhealthy combination that fed into above misunderstanding.

In my limited human feeling I longed to share and give of myself to all beings to alleviate their pain and lighten their load while my limited human thinking informed by trauma and conditioning held to people needing to earn and be worthy of whatever I have and was gifted to share. These two contradictory stances, in their decades of conflict, have attracted many an interesting albeit at times painful or confounding experiences.

I realize now that there were aspects in both attitudes that were right and equally wrong for lack of perception of reality as it truly is and not the illusion we perceive within the distortion fields of our collective and individual conditioning. 

The reality of existence is that we live in a permanent vibratory communication with everything in the Universe, we simply cannot not communicate. Therefore all we do, believe, feel, think is constantly feeding into what connects all of life in oneness. None of us can ever stop being of service to the One, regardless of our choices and deeds, it all informs and serves the collective and the unfolding of life.

And yet this doesn’t translate into us sharing everything and giving of ourselves equally to everyone who crosses our path in the denser physical reality of human interactions. This is where discernment and higher mind can come into play and engage in creative, un-linear and seemingly illogical or inconsistent ways through our beings. If we step out of their way they can create more meaningful experiences born from what feels like magic and incites bliss, equanimity and a deep sense of alignment in us.

Our (conditioned) human perception of what another needs or wants is faulty at best and harmful at worst. This is why humility and higher discernment are needed, to counter the prideful or shameful conditioning in us that we may walk with loving-kindness and playful fire of Spirit in our being. 

Therefore I choose to focus on my vibratory integrity, walk this earth with sovereignty, being as joyful, peaceful, loving, compassionate and mindful as I can, listening to intuition and Spirit to guide my sharing and keep knowing and thoughts to myself whenever they are silent. My life is now about honoring and being in service to the higher wisdom of Life/Spirit/Source (or whatever you prefer to name it).

If you want to awaken all of humanity,

then awaken all of yourself,

if you want to eliminate the suffering in the world,

then eliminate all that is negative in yourself.

Truly the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.

~ Lao Tzu

Photography by Dewan Irawan

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If we are aligned with truth and knowing we will have no need to denigrate those who lack it or make light of them. If we side with truth in the deeper and eternal sense, truth itself will root us in love and compassion for all that is.

Dig deeper, research more, do not be easily satisfied with your first findings, do not disregard the things your mind tells you cannot be… practice open-mindedness. This reality is highly complex to the mind and makes “inception” look like a toddlers concept. Hold contrasting thoughts and ideas in your mind, consult your intuition, learn to use your heart as the processor of knowledge, live from a beginners mind and learn to bear not-knowing. Sit with not-knowing and seeming contradictions, allow time, new insights and deeper reflections to bring insights, new perspectives, integration and resolution to the contrasts in your mind.  

We live in a global matrix of mind control and distortions of history, language, cultures, morals, politics and religions that goes back centuries and millennia.

Awakening in this multi-layered system of lies, deceptions and half-truths can be deeply disorienting and confusing, yet do not give in to your minds need for simple and comfortable answers as you will not find true solace in avoidance or illusions. This reality is unbearably beautiful and painfully dysfunctional at once, you need to face the darkness and let go of the convoluted nonsense you have been force fed to find truth and beauty in this world. The truth shall make you free.. after it pisses you off and makes you want to run the other way.. but you will quickly understand that you cannot afford to and that is where your journey begins.

In time your mind will expand with higher knowledge and knowing to see the connection and oneness of things which seem like contradictions and you will learn to discern the difference between absolute truths and relative truths. And you will look back with compassion and kindness on your moments of confusion and blindness. 

There will be those you meet along your journey, seekers and lovers of truth who will become a lifeline in a world of sleepers. Embracing and living your authentic self will attract them to you, they will become your family, friends and cheerleaders while you will lose some of those you thought of as such before your ventured on this journey… and yet you will see, feel and know deep in your bones that what you gain is more precious than anything you lose.

Do not give up, keep asking yourself uncomfortable questions, keep expanding your knowledge, practicing mindfulness, sitting in silence, embracing your shadow, loving yourself, practicing love, kindness and compassion… and surrendering to the truth within. And you will find that you have all you need within you.

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