Accountability

The aspects I want to share pertains to how I currently respond to the needs or neediness of another.

Still not fully comfortable with neediness, which expresses through a victim narrative or whiny tonality, I find myself struggling to calm myself and dig deeper for compassion, as I am triggered to reject and and turn away from the experience. Realizing that the desire to distance myself from the emotions and expressions of the other is no longer solely rooted in conditioning but also in service of a primal knowing. A knowing that engaging with and entertaining such energies feeds the victim/whiny aspects in me, which I no longer wish to feed or strengthen, to the contrary.

And as I take full accountability of reacting in a poorer way than I would like, I am acknowledging the need to use better tools and practice being with energies I am integrating without a feeling of or being ‘tainted’ ,aka ‘contaminated,’ by them. In reflecting deeper on that, I became aware that I already can do so in connections that have a certain emotional depth and fluidity. Pointing towards the relationship of feeling emotionally disconnect, resulting protectivity, and the fragility to such energies. An obvious relationship, but as so often, not something I was conscious of in the moment. This needs some repetition and deepening of knowing to ensure access to it when I feel insecure or triggered.

Choice

A more novel aspect to that is the spaciousness I have gained in how I want to respond to another’s need in the moment.

Until now my nature and conditioning didn’t even allow for a pause and reflection if I want to show up in the way the other needs or asks me whenever I saw or sensed they were in pain. It was as if pain disabled any thought of myself and put me into a self-sacrificing autopilot or trance state of giving my all. Now I am allowing self love to enter and transform this hereto unconscious layer of relating in me.
This trauma reflex is also why I had such a hard time understanding, and respecting, people who could turn a cold shoulder in the face of another’s moment of need or pain. I still see that as an unpalatable thing but the emotional charge has lessened dramatically thanks to this insight and spaciousness entering this contracted aspect of self.

Discernment

Faced with someone whose idea of support consisted of making myself into a receptacle (or ‘dumping ground’ as my protectors would call it) for their narratives and emotions without asking question for clarity nor commenting in any other way, allowed for another insight.

Something in me balked at their expectation, mind you this was not a request to me but an expectations dripping with judgement. Which is why I celebrate my resistance as an expression of progress in setting self loving boundaries.

Their expectation was reminiscent of something I observed and verbalized in my mid twenties about the dynamics of relating with men. I felt they used me as ’emotional landfill’ as they would come to me and dump their unresolved shit to then saunter off and enjoy their new-found lightness in pretty much total disregard of me. A lightness bought at the cost of my emotional balance and energy. Infuriatingly they remained ignorant of the fact that they have dumped their emotional shit on me, necessitating me to carry the weight of it as enabler of their avoidance. Yuck! Thankfully another murky pattern I have patiently worked my way out of. Which is why I did not show up in the way they wanted but in a way that was aligned with what I know to be healthy for me and caring for another.

I am expressing ever more clearly a resounding NO to subtle ways others (un)consciously try to avoid doing their work, non-consensually dumping their load, and abusing my willingness to support another. Even if someone is in pain, or pulls on my heart-strings I am no longer blind to the pattern of turning me into a complicit in their self-disempowerment and avoidance of taking full responsibility for themselves and their experience of life. I am putting an end to my part in this dysfunctional dynamic pattern. And I cannot express how happy it makes me to see the expansion of this transformative process.

It makes it worth having had the low vibe experience that allowed for these insights and reflections.

Sovereignty

If it really needs mentioning:
The final say on if and how I support someone lies with me. Even though I am inviting you to share your requests, and open to negotiating with you what and how I can offer – No one gets to decide how and where my energy is invested apart from Self, Spirit and myself.

Trying to manipulate your way to controlling my behavior and self expression will get you one thing only: The end of relating as I walk away.

I remain fully available to growth-oriented relating based on sovereignty, freedom, humor, playfulness, self knowledge, compassion, and love/consciousness. And when I speak of growth, I am using the term in a deeply spiritual definition of the willingness and capacity to face, acknowledge, love, and integrate one’s shadow and learn to do the same with the shadow of the other. I am fully aware that this is calling for the master class of relating, it takes a ton of courage, resilience, responsibility for self, self knowledge, and willingness to vulnerably and openly share your internal world to allow another know and feel you in your light and shadow. And I am fully willing to learn to fail better in this way of relating and learning with another, to deepen in awareness and discernment, to become better at repair and gentleness with self and other… to go through all highs and lows of this path as long as we meet on this ground.

This is my baseline for relating.

Meet me there or watch me move on to better aligned experiences and beings.

Photoart by Zac Cannon

The post Relational Insights appeared first on Venuskind.

Years back, I have been guided to step away from generosity and taught to painstakingly observe, witness, and analyze the dynamics of giving and receiving in my relationships.
Learning to differentiate between healthy flow of generosity and the ‘faux generosity’ of over-giving, and to notice when and why the first is turned into the latter. Realized how draining and withering lack of reciprocity, and giving to the wrong people, are for my heart and being, and to become aware of the high cost incurred to my body-mind by experiencing and healing this. Reflected on the heartrending devastation experienced in the emotional realm when giving from an open heart to an imbalance in giving, attention, awareness, care, or love.
Learned to hold myself accountable for that pain I caused myself while being compassionate with the parts that replay this pattern. Practiced releasing the ‘other’ from the blame my protectors and wounded parts would put on them by expanding their perceptions and leading them to embrace accountability.

After all that work, energy, and love flowed into this ongoing process of understanding and integration I still find myself slipping back into this distorted pattern of hurting myself by inviting misaligned people into my experience and replaying old scripts with their ‘generous’ help.
I cannot express how much it tires me to find myself in these repetitions, how much energy is spent on going through the whole process with gentleness and care for subtleties. And yet, what else is there to do but to work towards integration and liberation?

Thus, I find myself contemplating, once again, how to teach the parts of me, who give generously without keeping an eye on reciprocity and equality, to be more discerning and moderate their giving. How do I ensure that powerful feelings and the overflow of love and affection do not manage to disrupt awareness and alertness to the replay of old patterns?
Maybe it is also about accepting the humanness of forgetting and awakening in-midst of a replay, and embracing it as a humbling experience and reminder to stay aware and alert?

It is still challenging to engage with above mentioned helpers in this pattern in the aftermath of awakening to the pattern, to protect them from the immensity of anger and rejection triggered, from expressions of the deep-rooted dislike for the stingy and miserly in perfectly honed daggers in word form, and any other impulse to make them feel the pain their actions translate into for me.
The parts in me that hate them are powerful and sly and I still haven’t mastered our dance, finding myself taken in by their rationalizations and emotions more often than I like. I have a lot of growing to do in this…

Which is why I choose to step back from engaging in any deep or intimate way with those, with whom I find myself in patterns of giving and withholding, emotional openness and unavailability – if they cannot or will not step up and work with me in diffusing the activation and emotional charge.

Here is an interesting thing my reflections have made me become aware of: Those who have the skills and emotional intelligence to move between states, self reflect, and retain access to meta perceptions and exchanges on relating, are only rarely in this dynamic with me. And if they are it plays out in a different and more mellow way (regardless of the intensity of emotions or heated exchanges), as we can talk about it from different dimensional perceptive points (identified/detached, mine/theirs, human/consciousness) and open to unknown possibilities, negotiate compassionately to have our needs met, and navigate the challenge with humor and playfulness.
These are my people with whom I can fail better, grow, and thrive.

Now how to teach my parts to direct their healthy generosity and affections towards my kin, decline invitations to over-give, and be more discerning and reserved towards those who cannot meet me on an even playing field of consciousness that is on the level that serves our wellbeing.

Work in messy but gratitude-inspiring process…

Photography by Caroline Tran

The post Generosity appeared first on Venuskind.

I held an unconscious misunderstanding of what it means to give of ourselves and our gifts to life for most of this lifetime. Conditioned to (un)consciously take undue responsibility for the wellbeing of all beings and things around me and having come with a contract of lightening and healing karma and distortions in my ancestral lineages was a fruitful if unhealthy combination that fed into above misunderstanding.

In my limited human feeling I longed to share and give of myself to all beings to alleviate their pain and lighten their load while my limited human thinking informed by trauma and conditioning held to people needing to earn and be worthy of whatever I have and was gifted to share. These two contradictory stances, in their decades of conflict, have attracted many an interesting albeit at times painful or confounding experiences.

I realize now that there were aspects in both attitudes that were right and equally wrong for lack of perception of reality as it truly is and not the illusion we perceive within the distortion fields of our collective and individual conditioning. 

The reality of existence is that we live in a permanent vibratory communication with everything in the Universe, we simply cannot not communicate. Therefore all we do, believe, feel, think is constantly feeding into what connects all of life in oneness. None of us can ever stop being of service to the One, regardless of our choices and deeds, it all informs and serves the collective and the unfolding of life.

And yet this doesn’t translate into us sharing everything and giving of ourselves equally to everyone who crosses our path in the denser physical reality of human interactions. This is where discernment and higher mind can come into play and engage in creative, un-linear and seemingly illogical or inconsistent ways through our beings. If we step out of their way they can create more meaningful experiences born from what feels like magic and incites bliss, equanimity and a deep sense of alignment in us.

Our (conditioned) human perception of what another needs or wants is faulty at best and harmful at worst. This is why humility and higher discernment are needed, to counter the prideful or shameful conditioning in us that we may walk with loving-kindness and playful fire of Spirit in our being. 

Therefore I choose to focus on my vibratory integrity, walk this earth with sovereignty, being as joyful, peaceful, loving, compassionate and mindful as I can, listening to intuition and Spirit to guide my sharing and keep knowing and thoughts to myself whenever they are silent. My life is now about honoring and being in service to the higher wisdom of Life/Spirit/Source (or whatever you prefer to name it).

If you want to awaken all of humanity,

then awaken all of yourself,

if you want to eliminate the suffering in the world,

then eliminate all that is negative in yourself.

Truly the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.

~ Lao Tzu

Photography by Dewan Irawan

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