The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others. That action is the testimony of love as the practice of freedom.
~ bell hooks, Outlaw Culture

My journey of self-integration and healing can be narrated as a journey of commitment to love for my inner tribe of selves.

I have come through many stages of committing to loving aspects of myself, building habits and practices of self love and care, and slowly and gently acknowledging, facing and loving shadow aspects back into a more whole and hale self. This is an ongoing journey, as it is all too easy to fall into unloving thinking, feeling and acting towards myself when I am low in resources and energy.

And yet I have come a long way on this challenging road to freedom.

Of course that was only half of the commitment to love journey I have consciously committed to. The other half is equally important and challenging in its own ways. To learn to love another in all their aspects, light and shadow, to extend compassion, kindness and generosity even when they prick and pain me, to protect them from unconscious hurtful expressions and actions from me and to do all this from sovereignty feels quite daunting at times.

To balance self love and love for another, to let it flow in a circular system of reciprocal nourishment, inspiration, joy and compassion is the holy grail for a fractured and traumatized self. A goal that can only be achieved by the alignment of self, higher Self and consciousness for more and more extended periods of time until it becomes our default setting. At least in my perception and experience.

This year I am called to teach my wounded and shadow aspects, which were created as per our soul contract with my mother, to CHOOSE to be loving, act with kindness and compassion even in moments of triggered CPTSD while being true to my own needs and boundaries. I am not saying this is what everyone has to do, nor that you are not entitled to your emotions of anger, resentment, hate and whatever else might arise for you in your primary wounding relationships. This is what I have been called to do after years of expressing openly my anger, sadness, grief and hate, a new stage, a new way of relating opening up for me now that foundations for self nurture and self love are firmly set.

Embracing on a mental level the commitment to love and choosing to be loving to others as an expression of my core being and not because their behavior deserved it was easy. For it is comparatively easy to disentangle from the concept of giving people what they deserve and drop the distorted concept of deserving/undeserving on the mental plane. Doing this on an emotional and physical plane is a decidedly different dimension of challenge to my self leadership.

Higher Self and consciousness lead the way to more equanimity in the mental/emotional which allows me to gently magnetize the emotional/physical into a state of homeostasis or balance. It is an excruciatingly slow progress for the mind, as the wounded parts and shadow feel like running towards old soothing strategies and reactivities at the slightest discomforting trigger and I observe the old scripts play out with all their negative ramifications for my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing. It takes many repetitions and regressions as well as the unswerving love and support of all other aspects of self and higher Self before the wounded and shadow parts can acknowledge the futility of their go-to-solutions and concede to trying something else. And much cheerleading, loving reminders and celebration of small wins is necessary in order for them to stay on course. Especially when their first attempts and steps are not reciprocated in kind.
Another layer of learning lay here for me: We (inner tribe of selves) are not loving to others in a game of barter or in expectations of getting our needs met by them. We are loving because this is our true nature to which we choose to return. Being loving is all the reward it needs.

It will still take a while and many repetitions of consciously choosing to be love and act as love in a variety of relationships until I can even remotely say that I have laid a foundation similar to the one I have built for self love. And yet I am already reaping the rewards of this work by virtue of the feeling of alignment within, the joy of oneness within and embodying integrity and love in relating whenever I wholly choose to act from love. It feels good to extend myself in love to others knowing that I can and will do my best to show up, be accountable and responsible, caring and mindful in my relationships. No longer having to fear being helplessly highjacked by my shadow aspects into painful catastrophizing abysses or loops of hurtful behavioral patterns towards others. Knowing that I have what I need to see and stop these patterns, and if they manage to bypass my awareness, knowing I have the tools, knowledge and commitment of my inner tribe to repair and make amends best we can in cooperation with another.

This is what empowerment through love feels like to me.

Grateful for the selves, people, lessons and experiences which help me anchor more deeply into my nature and lighten the heaviness of trapped distortions in my field.

May we all be free from suffering,
may we all be love.

Photography by Brenda Del Rao

The post Commitment to Love appeared first on Venuskind.

“Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture, males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.”
~ Bell Hooks

Photography: Tribesmen in the Masai Mara, Kenya, by David Lazar

The post Caring about Men appeared first on Venuskind.

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.” 

~ Bell Hooks 

You could change the gender and see the same and related coping mechanisms in way too many humans who are partly of wholly emotionally unavailable.

The wounds of rejection and abandonment by our primary caretakers profoundly shift our relationship with love in deeply subconscious and sometimes even conscious ways. Our definitions and ideas of love and relating are skewed and distorted by the experiences we had in our early childhood. The healing and transcendence of our unhelpful coping strategies and misperceptions can only happen in relationships just as the wounds happened in relationships, which of course is a challenge as we usually attract mostly people who will repeat our past experiences and not be wise companions for our healing journey as long as we live from subconscious patterns we blind ourselves to.

Even in making our woundings and patterns conscious we will be attracting those who will repeat our past dynamics and hurts with us, offering us a chance to find new and healthier responses to such occurrences. The degree to which we have developed self acceptance and self love and inner strength defines how much emotional resilience we will have in coping with situations and challenges taking us back to our core wounds.

I have encountered many men who play out complex or twisted unconscious coping games who are adamant that their relationships with their primary caretakers were nothing but loving and perfect. Often emotionally unavailable as they live in a disconnect from their emotions, though they might believe themselves to be connected to them. Those whose ego keeps them in the belief of all being fair and “normal” are the hardest people to be in relationships with, as you clearly see their drama play out while they remain decidedly blind and in denial. Many a conversation, tearful moments and sleepless nights of my life has been wasted on making sense of it of trying to find a way to help them see, make them understand. And yet almost all attempts were to no avail. It took me many years of self work to not allow such painful relationships to last and keep shredding my heart.

These days I leave these men the moment I realize that they are incapable of stepping into a meta level of reflecting on their own behaviors and words. And really who am I to change their survival strategies when they are not ready to let them go? Who am I to dictate their soul’s timing for healing?

I chose to honor our shared sovereignty, the rightness of our individual journeys and to love and honor myself, my needs and wants in relating by loving such beautiful but troubled souls from a distance. There is no denigration in accepting that we are incompatible and do not relate in ways that assure loving and joyful growth and expansion with each other.  I trust that both of us will find others better suited for our unique needs and trajectories.

Unfortunately some men choose to react in immature and unworthy ways as they frame my retreat in their ongoing narrative of unlovability, (ab)using me in their mental self harm rituals. Which truly saddens me but I no longer waste my precious lifetime on trying to change what is. I can see these patterns clearly because my ego has been doing the same often enough to teach me. See, there is no judgement just clear observations and definitely no mincing of words to protect fragile egos which limit and torture. 

I have my own patterns and failings in relating therefore I appreciate those who bring them to my awareness, and I point to the dysfunctional patterns I see if I care for someone and believe they are capable and willing to deal with those things. In my world it is seen as a gift of love to shine a light on these things. 

If you prefer to live in Lalaland and not be made aware of subconscious patters I will accept it but it will exclude you from being in my inner circle and world if you are new. In my world everything is about awareness, consciousness, respect, truth, honesty and growth – if you do not bring these to the table you have to keep it moving, simple.

Photography: Unknown

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