The winter solstice illuminated a vast shift in my energy, which ripped through some veils of perception that had been created by childhood adversity and survival strategies of my psyche. The shift in perception and the fact that several aspects of my being were activated and fueled by this new energy let me enter the new year as a new me.

New in the way I perceive, value, discern, choose, act, and express my being. So in fact this year ‘New Year, New Me’ is not a statement of an intent or goal but an observation of my current reality.

One of the most fascinating moments in learning about this new way of being had to be the moment my more machiavellian parts and Self energy agreed on a strategy, though from wildly differing perspectives. Which amuses me and makes this new chapter of life even more intriguing and a source of daily delight.

Old iterations of me would have handled ending connections which I realized had been underwhelming, disloyal, and unworthy of my time and energy in a decidedly different way. None of them would have gone over without an undercurrent of resentment, desire for justice, and anger of varying degrees. And I would have had a hard time holding back from giving them a piece of my observations and judgements of their behaviors. 

New me, couldn’t care less about them and how they showed up. She zeroed in on my part in the dynamics that led up to this point of realization:

Why did I blind myself to the truth of the relationship dynamics and the person? What part of me, and beliefs I hold, drive that kind of behavior? How do I make sure this doesn’t ever happen again? What need did I try to meet by holding on to mediocrity or unloving dynamics? How can I redirect inner currents of energy and awareness to fulfill the need and avoid self-harming by holding on to the wrong energies and people?

And when it came to ending the connections new me chose to take the higher road of communicating my desire to end the connection without going into the reasons beyond pointing out that our paths are diverging or our definitions of the relationship or desires for it are not aligned. Which, in the past, would have incensed my darker aspects and protectors who would have wanted things to be communicated with the sharp edged words of a queen of swords to cut at the lies, illusions, and BS experienced in the connection. 

The new way of being has no need for another to understand and share my perceptions of the past, nor do my perceptions matter as much. There is no need to express how parts of me recoiled, lost respect, or feel utter speechlessness at the way the other showed up. That is only of interest in introspection and as a means of learning about where my work lies and which boundaries I need to honor better in times to come. It is considered feedback for further inquiry, not some sort of sacred truth to be upheld.

Once I realize that someone’s time in my life has run out they no longer need an insight into my perceptions or reflections – they would probably neither understand nor respect them anyway. Only when intuition or spirit nudge me to share will I invest energy in the emotional labor of sharing and entering an exchange with another, otherwise I see it as a waste of time and energy for both that is bound to create more distortions and harm. A futile expenditure of precious life energy by a hurt ego or mind, which only perpetuates the dysfunctionality of the dynamics observed. When I am called to share it is because shared growth or transcendence are possible but if the nudge is absent it is a sign of the pointlessness of such an attempt.

Interestingly and surprisingly my machiavellian aspects agreed to the way of detaching the Self energy chose. When I inquired into their acceptance they shared their reasoning as follows: My non-combative, gracious, yet firm exit opens the gateway for their mind to offer up potential reasons why I may have chosen to let them go. And their mind would go to explanations that would sting and hurt them more deeply than my words, or truths, could ever have. Which makes me chuckle and shake my head while celebrating that they won’t sabotage or rail against the higher road, even if their reasons are less luminous.

I am enjoying the new playful spaciousness in which my inner tribe of parts are being united and led by Self energy with little to no friction. A spaciousness that allows for all parts to be who they are, express their needs and thoughts while trusting that the Self will not only consider them but meet them in the most surprising and nourishing ways. There is less to no internal judgement, and wherever it comes up it too can be integrated in the spaciousness while making all parts feel safe, heard, and cared for.

It is a magical paradox to be more open, and therefore more vulnerable, and yet be more resilient. Hello antifragility!

Well met, new me, I cannot wait to see what else you will be teaching me about existence!

Photography by Unknown

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And yet the internal experience and quality of life and aliveness is very different to what I once experienced at earlier points of this lifetime. Life has dramatically shifted from something to be lived and shaped out there in the experiential or ‘material’ world to something that is wholly internal and energetic. In my experience all of life is ‘internal’ and not reliant on what the mind deems as ‘external’ and all is One, interconnected, interdependent, cocreative.

Even when engaging from the conditioned personality the observer in me knows that I am not just that. Any Identifications with body, personality, and mind have profoundly weakened which allows for a different kind of engagement with life. An engagement liberated from the fetters of attachments to narratives, concepts, opinions, preferences, and what is key: free from enslavement to separation consciousness and duality. Creating a more peaceful flow of experience, and more sustainable presence.

Being less identified with the personality/self liberates me from futile strivings for status, validation, and other vacuous ego fodder. It fades the need to consume, distract, avoid, or assert the will in other ways on external realities that seem unacceptable or inconvenient.
Normalized obsessions with cultural conditioned values (fame, wealth, looks, success, etc.) are transparent in their futility and emptiness while the desires and delights of my soul are illuminated in their value and nourishing quality (community, kindness, cooperation, creative play, love for knowledge and knowing, etc.). Knowing that I am an expression of the Self – unborn, undying, all-encompassing and yet empty – releases any need to prove my/self, be special or different from ‘others’ as they are equally part of the One/Self.

And from these shifts in experience and knowing new questions and quests beg to be explored and lived:

Which role and path is given to this expression of Self?
How do I best balance receptivity with creative participation?
How do I participate in life in a way that turns my knowing and abilities into a service to All That Is?
Which residues of conditioning and misperception are holding me back from harmoniously and joyously flowing with life? And how do I release them?
Which mysteries of existence are waiting to reveal themselves through my experience?

I still experience triggers that regress me into states of forgetfulness and blind identification with the conditioned personality and her narratives about life. Experiencing my/self as struggling to find my way out of these immersive dream states, yet I thankfully remain a lucid dreamer, equanimous in the knowing of the true nature of being and the impermanence of experience.
Years of self work and shifts in consciousness allow for more trust, patience, and compassion in engaging with aspects of trauma and shadow expressing through this body-mind and other body-minds in my experience.

I can see and laugh at the absurdities the conditioned self creates and shadow boxes, while being compassionate and loving of all being and experience. Which in turn cultivates deeper and more encompassing compassion, kindness and understanding for others.

Being a mystic to me means being a student of existence and life, observing the human state with all its psychological dynamics and limitations, living in awe of the mysteries of life, in the joys of moving between consciousness levels, having a playful and creative approach to life, and delighting in the magic unique to embodiment.

Art by Unknown

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