Accountability

The aspects I want to share pertains to how I currently respond to the needs or neediness of another.

Still not fully comfortable with neediness, which expresses through a victim narrative or whiny tonality, I find myself struggling to calm myself and dig deeper for compassion, as I am triggered to reject and and turn away from the experience. Realizing that the desire to distance myself from the emotions and expressions of the other is no longer solely rooted in conditioning but also in service of a primal knowing. A knowing that engaging with and entertaining such energies feeds the victim/whiny aspects in me, which I no longer wish to feed or strengthen, to the contrary.

And as I take full accountability of reacting in a poorer way than I would like, I am acknowledging the need to use better tools and practice being with energies I am integrating without a feeling of or being ‘tainted’ ,aka ‘contaminated,’ by them. In reflecting deeper on that, I became aware that I already can do so in connections that have a certain emotional depth and fluidity. Pointing towards the relationship of feeling emotionally disconnect, resulting protectivity, and the fragility to such energies. An obvious relationship, but as so often, not something I was conscious of in the moment. This needs some repetition and deepening of knowing to ensure access to it when I feel insecure or triggered.

Choice

A more novel aspect to that is the spaciousness I have gained in how I want to respond to another’s need in the moment.

Until now my nature and conditioning didn’t even allow for a pause and reflection if I want to show up in the way the other needs or asks me whenever I saw or sensed they were in pain. It was as if pain disabled any thought of myself and put me into a self-sacrificing autopilot or trance state of giving my all. Now I am allowing self love to enter and transform this hereto unconscious layer of relating in me.
This trauma reflex is also why I had such a hard time understanding, and respecting, people who could turn a cold shoulder in the face of another’s moment of need or pain. I still see that as an unpalatable thing but the emotional charge has lessened dramatically thanks to this insight and spaciousness entering this contracted aspect of self.

Discernment

Faced with someone whose idea of support consisted of making myself into a receptacle (or ‘dumping ground’ as my protectors would call it) for their narratives and emotions without asking question for clarity nor commenting in any other way, allowed for another insight.

Something in me balked at their expectation, mind you this was not a request to me but an expectations dripping with judgement. Which is why I celebrate my resistance as an expression of progress in setting self loving boundaries.

Their expectation was reminiscent of something I observed and verbalized in my mid twenties about the dynamics of relating with men. I felt they used me as ’emotional landfill’ as they would come to me and dump their unresolved shit to then saunter off and enjoy their new-found lightness in pretty much total disregard of me. A lightness bought at the cost of my emotional balance and energy. Infuriatingly they remained ignorant of the fact that they have dumped their emotional shit on me, necessitating me to carry the weight of it as enabler of their avoidance. Yuck! Thankfully another murky pattern I have patiently worked my way out of. Which is why I did not show up in the way they wanted but in a way that was aligned with what I know to be healthy for me and caring for another.

I am expressing ever more clearly a resounding NO to subtle ways others (un)consciously try to avoid doing their work, non-consensually dumping their load, and abusing my willingness to support another. Even if someone is in pain, or pulls on my heart-strings I am no longer blind to the pattern of turning me into a complicit in their self-disempowerment and avoidance of taking full responsibility for themselves and their experience of life. I am putting an end to my part in this dysfunctional dynamic pattern. And I cannot express how happy it makes me to see the expansion of this transformative process.

It makes it worth having had the low vibe experience that allowed for these insights and reflections.

Sovereignty

If it really needs mentioning:
The final say on if and how I support someone lies with me. Even though I am inviting you to share your requests, and open to negotiating with you what and how I can offer – No one gets to decide how and where my energy is invested apart from Self, Spirit and myself.

Trying to manipulate your way to controlling my behavior and self expression will get you one thing only: The end of relating as I walk away.

I remain fully available to growth-oriented relating based on sovereignty, freedom, humor, playfulness, self knowledge, compassion, and love/consciousness. And when I speak of growth, I am using the term in a deeply spiritual definition of the willingness and capacity to face, acknowledge, love, and integrate one’s shadow and learn to do the same with the shadow of the other. I am fully aware that this is calling for the master class of relating, it takes a ton of courage, resilience, responsibility for self, self knowledge, and willingness to vulnerably and openly share your internal world to allow another know and feel you in your light and shadow. And I am fully willing to learn to fail better in this way of relating and learning with another, to deepen in awareness and discernment, to become better at repair and gentleness with self and other… to go through all highs and lows of this path as long as we meet on this ground.

This is my baseline for relating.

Meet me there or watch me move on to better aligned experiences and beings.

Photoart by Zac Cannon

The post Relational Insights appeared first on Venuskind.

Years back, I have been guided to step away from generosity and taught to painstakingly observe, witness, and analyze the dynamics of giving and receiving in my relationships.
Learning to differentiate between healthy flow of generosity and the ‘faux generosity’ of over-giving, and to notice when and why the first is turned into the latter. Realized how draining and withering lack of reciprocity, and giving to the wrong people, are for my heart and being, and to become aware of the high cost incurred to my body-mind by experiencing and healing this. Reflected on the heartrending devastation experienced in the emotional realm when giving from an open heart to an imbalance in giving, attention, awareness, care, or love.
Learned to hold myself accountable for that pain I caused myself while being compassionate with the parts that replay this pattern. Practiced releasing the ‘other’ from the blame my protectors and wounded parts would put on them by expanding their perceptions and leading them to embrace accountability.

After all that work, energy, and love flowed into this ongoing process of understanding and integration I still find myself slipping back into this distorted pattern of hurting myself by inviting misaligned people into my experience and replaying old scripts with their ‘generous’ help.
I cannot express how much it tires me to find myself in these repetitions, how much energy is spent on going through the whole process with gentleness and care for subtleties. And yet, what else is there to do but to work towards integration and liberation?

Thus, I find myself contemplating, once again, how to teach the parts of me, who give generously without keeping an eye on reciprocity and equality, to be more discerning and moderate their giving. How do I ensure that powerful feelings and the overflow of love and affection do not manage to disrupt awareness and alertness to the replay of old patterns?
Maybe it is also about accepting the humanness of forgetting and awakening in-midst of a replay, and embracing it as a humbling experience and reminder to stay aware and alert?

It is still challenging to engage with above mentioned helpers in this pattern in the aftermath of awakening to the pattern, to protect them from the immensity of anger and rejection triggered, from expressions of the deep-rooted dislike for the stingy and miserly in perfectly honed daggers in word form, and any other impulse to make them feel the pain their actions translate into for me.
The parts in me that hate them are powerful and sly and I still haven’t mastered our dance, finding myself taken in by their rationalizations and emotions more often than I like. I have a lot of growing to do in this…

Which is why I choose to step back from engaging in any deep or intimate way with those, with whom I find myself in patterns of giving and withholding, emotional openness and unavailability – if they cannot or will not step up and work with me in diffusing the activation and emotional charge.

Here is an interesting thing my reflections have made me become aware of: Those who have the skills and emotional intelligence to move between states, self reflect, and retain access to meta perceptions and exchanges on relating, are only rarely in this dynamic with me. And if they are it plays out in a different and more mellow way (regardless of the intensity of emotions or heated exchanges), as we can talk about it from different dimensional perceptive points (identified/detached, mine/theirs, human/consciousness) and open to unknown possibilities, negotiate compassionately to have our needs met, and navigate the challenge with humor and playfulness.
These are my people with whom I can fail better, grow, and thrive.

Now how to teach my parts to direct their healthy generosity and affections towards my kin, decline invitations to over-give, and be more discerning and reserved towards those who cannot meet me on an even playing field of consciousness that is on the level that serves our wellbeing.

Work in messy but gratitude-inspiring process…

Photography by Caroline Tran

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The Heroine’s Journey begins with an Initial Separation from feminine values, seeking recognition and success in a patriarchal culture, experiencing spiritual death, and turning inward to reclaim the power and spirit of the sacred feminine. The final stages involve an acknowledgement of the union and power of one’s dual nature for the benefit of all humankind (Murdock, 1990, pp. 4-11). Drawing upon cultural myths, Murdock illustrates an alternative journey model to that of patriarchal hegemony. It has become a template for novelists and screenwriters, shining a light on twentieth-century feminist literature.

The Heroine’s Journey is based on the experience of fathers’ daughters who have idealised, identified with, and allied themselves closely with their fathers or the dominant masculine culture. This comes at the cost of devaluing their personal mothers and denigrating values of the female culture. This occurs for both men and women if not on a personal level, then certainly on a collective level. If the feminine is seen as negative, powerless or manipulative the child may reject those qualities she associates with the feminine, including positive qualities such as nurturing, intuition, emotional expressiveness, creativity and spirituality. On a cultural level, the Separation from the Feminine results from a reaction to images of the feminine presented by the media that are impossible to identify with or because of a lack of feminine imagery in religion.

Gods and goddesses are often seen as diverse ways of being in the world and the ancient goddess Athena symbolises the second stage of the Heroine’s Journey. This Greek goddess of civilization sprang full grown from the head of her father, Zeus. Her mother Metis had been swallowed whole by Zeus, thus depriving Athena of a relationship with her mother. This stage involves an Identification with the Masculine, but not one’s inner personal masculinity. Rather, it is the outer patriarchal masculine whose driving force is power. An individual in a patriarchal society is driven to seek control over themselves and others in an inhuman desire for perfection.

The young girl may see men and the male world as adult and becomes identified with her inner masculine voice, whether that is the voice of her father, god the father, the professional establishment, or the church. Unfortunately, masculine consciousness often tries to help the feminine to speak; it jumps in, interrupts, and takes over, not waiting for her body to know its truth.

The next stage, like the hero’s journey, is the Road of Trials where the focus is on the tasks necessary for ego development. In the outer world, the heroine goes through the same hoops as the hero to achieve success. Everything is geared to climbing the academic or corporate ladder, achieving prestige, position and financial equity, and feeling powerful in the world.

However, in the inner world, her task involves overcoming the myths of dependency, female inferiority or deficit thinking, and romantic love. Many females have been encouraged to be dependent, to disregard their needs for another’s love, to protect another from their success and autonomy.

We live in a society dominated by a masculine perspective where the feminine is perceived as less than the masculine. The Mother Tongue, the language of experience and body knowing is not seen as valid as the Father tongue, the language of analysis. In some families, cultures and religions, being born in a female body is second rate; the female child has therefore failed from the beginning and is marked psychologically as inferior solely because of her gender. In this century the foremost moral issue, from third world countries to the leading world powers, is the abuse and oppression of women and girls around the globe.

The myth of romantic love is that the other will complete her life whether the other is a husband, lover, son, ideology, political party or spiritual sect. The attitude here is that the “other” will actualise her destiny. This stage is symbolised by the myth of Eros and Psyche.

The first part of the heroine’s journey is propelled by the mind and the second part is in response to the heart. The heroine has been working on the developmental tasks necessary to be an adult, to individuate from her parents, and to establish her identity in the outer world. However, even though she has achieved her hard-earned goals, she may experience a sense of Spiritual Aridity. Her river of creativity has dried up and she begins to ask, “What have I lost in this heroic quest?” She has achieved everything she set out to do, but it has come at great sacrifice to her soul. Her relationship with her inner world is estranged. She feels oppressed but doesn’t understand the source of her victimisation.

At this stage, she is afraid to look into the depths of herself and clings instead to past patterns of behavior, old relationships, and a familiar life style. There’s a fear of saying “no” and holding the tension of not knowing what’s next. In Leaving My Father’s House, Jungian analyst Marion Woodman (1992) writes, “It takes a strong ego to hold the darkness, wait, hold the tension, waiting for we know not what. But if we can hold long enough, a tiny light is conceived in the dark unconscious, and if we can wait and hold, in its own time it will be born in its full radiance. The ego then has to be loving enough to receive the gift and nourish it with the best food that new life may eventually transform the whole personality” (p. 115).

At this point, the heroine is faced with a Descent or dark night of the soul, a time of major de-structuring and dismemberment. A descent brings sadness, grief, a feeling of being unfocused and undirected. What usually throws a person into a descent is leaving home, separating from one’s parents, the death of a child, lover or spouse, the loss of identity with a particular role, a serious physical or mental illness, an addiction, the midlife transition, divorce, ageing, or loss of community. The descent may take weeks, month, years, and cannot be rushed because the heroine is reclaiming not only parts of herself, but also the lost soul of the culture. The task here is to reclaim the discarded parts of the self that were split off in the original separation from the feminine – parts that have been ignored, devalued, and repressed, words and feelings swallowed in her quest for success.

Dismemberment and renewal is a key feature of the ancient Sumerian myth of Inanna and Ereshkigal. Inanna, the Queen of the Great Above, journeys to the Underworld to be with her sister Ereshkigal, the Queen of the Great Below. Ereshkigal’s consort has died and Inanna traverses seven thresholds and seven gates to be with her sister in her grief. At each gate she divests herself of symbols of her power. When she reaches the Underworld, Ereshkigal fixes her with the eye of death and hangs her on a peg to rot. Inanna sacrifices herself for the earth’s need for life and renewal. Her death and subsequent return to life predates Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection by three thousand years.

At this stage in the heroine’s journey, a woman seeks to reclaim a connection with the sacred feminine to better understand her own psyche. She may become involved in research about ancient goddess figures such as Inanna, Ereshkigal, Demeter, Persephone, Kali, or the Marian mysteries. There is an Urgent Yearning to reconnect with the Feminine and to heal the mother/daughter split that occurred with the initial rejection of the feminine. This may or may not involve a healing with one’s personal mother or daughter, but it usually involves grieving the separation from the feminine and reclaiming a connection to body wisdom, intuition and creativity.

The next stage involves Healing the Unrelated or Wounded Aspects of her Masculine Nature as the heroine takes back her negative projections on the men in her life. This involves identifying the parts of herself that have ignored her health and feelings, refused to accept her limits, told her to tough it out, and never let her rest. It also involves becoming aware of the positive aspects of her masculine nature that supports her desire to bring her images into fruition, helps her to speak her truth and own her authority.

The final stage of The Heroine’s Journey is the Sacred Marriage of the Masculine and Feminine, the hieros gamos. A woman remembers her true nature and accepts herself as she is, integrating both aspects of her nature. It is a moment of recognition, a kind of remembering of that which somewhere at the bottom she has always known. The current problems are not solved, the conflicts remain, but one’s suffering, as long as she does not evade it, will lead to a new life. In developing a new feminine consciousness, she has to have an equally strong masculine consciousness to get her voice out into the world. The union of masculine and feminine involves recognising wounds, blessing them, and letting them go.

The heroine must become a spiritual warrior. This demands that she learn the delicate art of balance and have the patience for the slow, subtle integration of the feminine and masculine aspects of her nature. She first hungers to lose her feminine self and merge with the masculine, and once she has done this, she begins to realise this is neither the answer nor the objective. She must not discard nor give up what she has learned throughout her heroic quest, but view her hard-earned skills and successes not so much as the goal but as one part of the entire journey. This focus on integration and the resulting awareness of interdependence is necessary for each of us at this time as we work together to preserve the health and balance of life on earth.

~ Maureen Murdock

Photography: Reflections by Tom Hussey

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” Among the ancient Egyptians there were specific rituals for using the ecstatic states awakened through sex to nourish the energy of the subtle body, known to the Egyptians as the ka. The hunger for ecstasy was acknowledged as a real hunger because ecstasy is food for the ka body, giving it vitality and potency. The ka not only sustains the physical cells and tissue, but also provides for the capacity to experience and express the conceptual reality, the Logos, that enlivens the physical tissue. Curiously, it is taught that shame is poison to the ka and that ecstasy is needed to detoxify the bodies from the negative effects of shame.”

“Ecstasy is essentially a spiritual experience. We are ecstatic when our conscious awareness transcends the ego but at the same time aligns with the body, allowing us to be fully aware physically but without the inner dialogue of the mind.”

~ Belinda Gore, The Ecstatic Experience

Photography: Ka statue of king Hor Awibre Hor I

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